Can't seem to let him back in again...

[Zinnia21]

I'll try to keep my long story short. Mostly just wondering how nons can deal with their trust issues after previous discards.

Ok, so over 4 yrs ago we met. I was really in love. Then he seemed distant at times, then eventually discard 1. A big shock, but still in love. Discard 2, so heart broken, and life broken. I was traumatised for a while. Discard 3, kind of expecting it but still devastated. Discard 4, saw it coming, but so sad.

By that point it was clear to both of us he was too unwell. I knew I had to get on with life without him and heal, as hard as that was going to be.

After a year apart, and a few false starts of communication, we seem now to have a reached a 'safe' place finally. Been hanging out once or twice a week, we are good friends and lovers too. Feels like he's much much more stable than he has been in a long time. He's been doing very well.

In the past I would get excited when we came back together. But now I feel this resistance in my self. He's trying, quite calmly and patiently, to show me that he cares and doesn't want to repeat past actions. We are tip toe ing back towards a relationship.

But although I feel love for him, and respect for what he's trying to do here, I also feel a protective wall that I can't seem to bring down, like an inbuilt automatic thing. It's very sad because even if I try letting it down for him, it's not happening like it used to. After a year apart and a lot of self healing, it seems the wall is there and truly intimate moments are hard for me. His kisses used to melt me, but now they feel different. His compliments used to thrill me but now they crowd me. And I feel I can't truly tolerate a life of his negative thoughts about all the 'bad' people in the world. And other warped ideas. Well I can't nod and smile anymore... .

But I do really love him! When we are apart, I think of him, songs remind me of him, but also remind me of many heart broken moments.

It's like the thing I wanted for so long seems to be in front of me, but I can't give in and trust it. He's soo much better than he used to be. But I don't know what to make of it all.

Anyone managed to let their wall down after such feelings occur?

The wall protects me but also prevents me from exchanging all the love that should be between us.
On the other hand, my friends think it's a weird miracle that we're even contemplating being together again... .

I'm on the fence and feeling very mixed feelings. In the end I finally broke away into a life without him. Maybe that's why this feels weird. I don't know... .

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[Tattered Heart]

Hi Zinnia,

Welcome  

It sounds like over the last year you've done a lot of work on yourself. I would say that the wall is there because you don't feel safe yet. How long have you been working on trying to get back together? Are you looking for the fireworks and intense feeling that you once had with your pwBPD?

I'd say that the wall is there for a reason. There very well may be areas that you don't want to let him in yet. BOundaries are there to keep the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. If you feel a resistance, it may be something to look at a little more closely. Don't force it. Take some time to look at yourself and really study where that resistance comes from.

[Mutt]

Hi Zinnia21,

Then he seemed distant at times, then eventually discard 1. A big shock, but still in love. Discard 2, so heart broken, and life broken. I was traumatised for a while. Discard 3, kind of expecting it but still devastated. Discard 4, saw it coming, but so sad.

But I do really love him! When we are apart, I think of him, songs remind me of him, but also remind me of many heart broken moments.

I agree with Tattered Heart about boundaries, are you worried about another discard? It was hard on you right?

[Zinnia21]

Thanks for your responses. Yes I think part of me is always on the ready for a discard. I want to love him passionately and whole heartedly like before, but I need trust to hand my heart over again.
A couple of days ago we argued about his constant negativity on people and life. It's really hard when he gets like that about everyone. Partly as its depressing, and partly as it reminds me I could be next in line as a focus of his mistrust and anger that he feels with people.
The argument did get to the point where he rehashed some very old nonsense about my 'secrets' I apparently kept from him about chatting to an ex boyfriend. It was crazy at the time and still is crazy. He was sorry for bringing it up afterwards, but it just felt like a sad regression back towards accusations, if only briefly. And those accusations always led to discards.

How much of this situation is for him to work on? And improve... And how much of it is my job to 'radically accept' him as he is and work around it?

He sees quite clearly I won't put up with his accusations or negative talk anymore. But how much can he change, and how much can I accept?
Is it some weird alchemy equation of the two... ?

[Mutt]

BPD is emotional arrested development, the emotional equivalency of a child that is two or three. He would have to do therapy in order to change.

[Zinnia21]

Yes, very much agreed, serious commitment to therapy is needed. For 'us', but more so for him to be happy. That's my main concern above our relationship in fact. I would love to see him dealing with situations in a better way.
His BPD remains undiagnosed though, this makes things hard, but talking to the right therapist (a carefully selected one who knows BPD) would hopefully have the right effect anyway.

Mutt, although your 2nd response there was short and sweet, it actually sums up an important part of things for me. Thanks for reminding me. I know 1, he needs the help to feel better and 2, I promised myself he'd have to take that commitment seriously if we got back together.

[CC5578]

My experience... .After a while it's nearly impossible to let your wall down. When you let it down you are being vulnerable and then not long after you end up hurt. How many times can anyone go through that before the wall stays solid in order to just protect yourself? If the one you love isn't going to do it then you have to take care of yourself.

I empathize with what you say. It's a heartbreaking situation. It just sounds like you know deep down this is temporary until what's real inevitably comes out. Maybe you want to grasp onto this hope that he's really changed this time but feel that you're only fooling yourself? I see you said he's better but then refer to him engaging in old behaviors... .don't minimize these signs. Sorry you're going through this, I know it's just a terrible feeling to be heartbroken and sad.  

[Zinnia21]

Yes, the signs of the old behaviours are very troubling. The last few months we've been building trust, so when he pulled out the same ol accusations rant, it really diminished the size of the 'safe' space I was moving into there. It leaves me hanging off the edge of it! It reminds me of the panic I feel when he gets so far down that road of thought that he cuts me off. He doesn't mean to or really want to, but he's capable.
I knew he wasn't totally healed, but I thought maybe, just maybe, he'd let that one go. Finally... .
And I was the one who had to diffuse that bomb before it went off. He can't I suppose. That made me uneasy too, knowing I had to say the 'right' things to get him to calm down and not discard me. It was a much more manageable thing than it has been before, but it makes me question the trust I thought we had regained.

[SkySanta]

It sounds like there's trust and vulnerability issues happening here.

The book "Wired for Love" has a couple of great chapters on how to deal with both of those, from a neurological perspective.  One thing that might also work is the "36 questions to fall in love" with.  Just google the article.