It gets better

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been over two months since my BPD ex-friend of three years discarded me for the fifth time.  And even though I know it doesn't seem like it at times, it DOES get better.  For those of you who are still struggling, just know that it takes time.  The first discard was just over two years ago, and it really did take me all of that time to finally say, "I don't care if I ever hear from her again."  I sent her a card in the mail about two weeks after she blocked me, but that was the last time I made any attempt at contacting her.  I'm sure that by now, she's made new friends and has a new boyfriend and is idealizing all of them, but at the end of the day, I just can't put up with her lying, manipulation, push/pull, and overall disregard for my feelings.  It's just not acceptable. 

I've been focusing on work (I'm a high school teacher), and I've noticed that since the school year started, I've been calmer and more relaxed.  I haven't been snapping at students like I did for the past two years, when I was filled with anger and anxiety 24/7.  I've been finishing my lesson plans on Friday nights, so I can relax during the weekend.  I've been really getting to know my students and focusing on forming a good rapport with them, rather than focusing on trying to save a friendship with a pwBPD that isn't worth it.  I've been engaged and energized in the classroom and have been designing new fun and challenging activities for my students. I've been getting 7-8 hours of solid sleep every night, which hasn't happened for a long time.  I've been getting to work earlier in the morning.  I've been hiking a lot and spending a ton of time taking photographs of the fall foliage.  I started reading a book series that I've been dying to read for months.  I've been watching the new seasons of some of my favorite TV shows and anticipating the ones that will be starting in October.  Even though my favorite women's soccer team is terrible this season, I've been going to their games and rooting them on, and I'm going to their end of the season meet and greet next week.  I've made plans to see a speaker at a local college in early October, and I'm planning on going to their production of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the end of October.  In between those events, I'm going to the Renaissance Faire.  Most importantly, I'm going to a lot of these events by myself and being completely okay with that.  In other words, I'm getting back to the person I was before I met my ex-friend. 

It hasn't been easy, and I'm not going to sit here and say that my ex-friend never crosses my mind, but I no longer think about her 24/7 like I used to.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it may take you a while to reach it, and that's okay.

[SummerStorm]

It's been over two months since my BPD ex-friend of three years discarded me for the fifth time.  And even though I know it doesn't seem like it at times, it DOES get better.  For those of you who are still struggling, just know that it takes time.  The first discard was just over two years ago, and it really did take me all of that time to finally say, "I don't care if I ever hear from her again."  I sent her a card in the mail about two weeks after she blocked me, but that was the last time I made any attempt at contacting her.  I'm sure that by now, she's made new friends and has a new boyfriend and is idealizing all of them, but at the end of the day, I just can't put up with her lying, manipulation, push/pull, and overall disregard for my feelings.  It's just not acceptable. 

I've been focusing on work (I'm a high school teacher), and I've noticed that since the school year started, I've been calmer and more relaxed.  I haven't been snapping at students like I did for the past two years, when I was filled with anger and anxiety 24/7.  I've been finishing my lesson plans on Friday nights, so I can relax during the weekend.  I've been really getting to know my students and focusing on forming a good rapport with them, rather than focusing on trying to save a friendship with a pwBPD that isn't worth it.  I've been engaged and energized in the classroom and have been designing new fun and challenging activities for my students. I've been getting 7-8 hours of solid sleep every night, which hasn't happened for a long time.  I've been getting to work earlier in the morning.  I've been hiking a lot and spending a ton of time taking photographs of the fall foliage.  I started reading a book series that I've been dying to read for months.  I've been watching the new seasons of some of my favorite TV shows and anticipating the ones that will be starting in October.  Even though my favorite women's soccer team is terrible this season, I've been going to their games and rooting them on, and I'm going to their end of the season meet and greet next week.  I've made plans to see a speaker at a local college in early October, and I'm planning on going to their production of A Midsummer Night's Dream at the end of October.  In between those events, I'm going to the Renaissance Faire.  Most importantly, I'm going to a lot of these events by myself and being completely okay with that.  In other words, I'm getting back to the person I was before I met my ex-friend. 

It hasn't been easy, and I'm not going to sit here and say that my ex-friend never crosses my mind, but I no longer think about her 24/7 like I used to.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it may take you a while to reach it, and that's okay.

[blueblue12]

Hey SummerStorm,
Great post! I like you have also involved myself in my work, have better relationships with all (I am a lecturer) and have taken a different approach and things that used to phase me in my work don't any longer. I get along well with students and staff and feel that I have a new life.

My ex I hear from every now and then, usually once a month with some trivial query which I answer politely but don't engage. We have been apart for around six months after one recycle which didn't go very well. I never contact her only reply to her and have no intentions on contacting first any longer. She derailed our marriage and was so cruel and detached at the end that when I recall my last year with her I am just happy to be away from that horrible patch in my life.

Of course the signs were there all along but I had no idea so I put up with them over the many years we were together. All I wanted to do was to make her happy, to give her TLC, but it was hard work!

I do think about her still, I lived for her all many years, always helping her and making sure she was ok. At the end though she detached so badly that while living together gave me the silent treatment for months, it was awful. Then after been apart for two months she came back pleading, begging to see me, I was the "love of her life."

It is reassuring to hear your developments and I feel I am getting there as well, little by little. At least I have regained my power and some of my self esteem which was at very low levels when she discarded me. I guess her coming back after all the turmoil and derailment gave me some validation.

Take care and keep up the good work!

[SuperJew82]

I'm a better father. I'm not clinging to a childish argument or other dialogue on my phone but instead giving my kids more attention. Her communication was always super frequent and intense. I didn't realize how intense it was. My anxiety level has decreased. I'm focusing better at work. I'm not on edge anymore and have my old calmer disposition. I'm finishing projects around the house that I've neglected.

Life is generally better in almost all aspects of it. I'm not even lonely. Tonight I watched the new Star Trek series after finishing some house projects. I just have a content feeling that has been missing.


I'm trying to start dating again. I'm getting my feet wet first before jumping in there, but I'm meeting some nice people and not jumping in too fast. Dating healthy people is so different. I'm perfectly fine with not being love-bombed and gradually getting to know someone.

Yes, I think of her from time to time - but it's nothing like the beginning at all. It took a few recycle attempts to get to where I am right now, but after reaching my normalized self - I'm not going back to the circus of a relationship.

I was no stranger to dating before I met her so I still don't completely understand how she bypassed my craydar systems. It was like instead of having some dating coffee to perk up, I got hit with dating cocaine along with all the ups and downs and addiction.

I'm happy to say that I'm clean now and living a healthier life!

[AnuDay]

It's been 3 months for me and I can definitely say that things get better. I'm not constantly bombarded by FOG every single day, the constant calling and neediness, the mental games, and emotional blackmail.  My anxiety state has decreased, I'm overall more relaxed.  Coming out of that relationship I definitely had sone sort of PTSD and an inability to trust people.  I feel more free and open now.  I can even see my old relationship more clear now.  Deep down I still wish things could go back to how they were, but I also realize that how things appeared are not what they were actually like.  Me and the BPD were living two separate lives both physically and mentally.  Her perception of what was going on was totally different than mine.  Things were also different then what she was showing to the outside world.