Breaking the silent treatment

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi everyone,

After several months of no contact with my updb mother, today I called her after talking to my therapist. My therapist says that now I am having the clarity that other people will provide the love and intimate relationship that I expected to have with my mother and that will never happen with her.

She was giving me the silent treatment for +6 months now. I decided not to live in the FOG anymore and seek help for myself. With lots of readings, help from this group, and seeing the therapist every week is changing things in my mind and my heart, things that I never imagine that I could change.

On the call today she used all the guilty cards she had: that I am the terrible daughter, that when she needed help I betrayed her, that I don't need to go to her funeral, that I can live my happy life and forget about her, and it went on and on for 20 minutes. I just listened, calmly, crying but calm. I was all the time reminding myself that this is all FOG, she is using it again, and that she is mentally ill.  That NOW I know the good person and daughter I am and that she is unhappy and abusive, and I can't control or change her or make her happy. After all that, I said that I was sorry if I made her feel bad on our last conversation. She told me to shut up and continued crying and saying how I am a bad daughter.  She then hang up the phone on me. I am still feeling sad, but I am not feeling Guilt and I can't even explain how I'm feeling free now.

Just wanted to share this with everyone, and say that I in my mid 30's and I was completely hopeless until now. I can see the light.

Thank you all.
   

[Panda39]

Hi Vanilla Sky,

You've made a lot of progress    Getting out of that FOG is a tough battle. 

It's so disappointing that your mom is stuck. I see this with my SO's uBPDxw, I've known him for 7 years and she does the same things over and over she's stuck too.  Unless they acknowledge there is a problem and work to change it, they will just continue to be stuck.

But you on the other hand have come unstuck, you have taken yourself out of the dysfunctional relationship with your mom and are growing... .you are letting go of something you have outgrown.   

Panda39

[drained1996]

Very happy for you VanillaSky.  It took me 42 years to do what you have done.  While they are our "family", through actions of their own, they are not our responsibility.  As long as they continue their unhealthy ways of communicating in our relationships... .that problem belongs to them.  It's up to us how we will react and deal with those unhealthy attachments.  Seems like you're on the right path.   

[incadove]

Thanks for posting Vanilla Sky.  I've read your post twice, and it helped me a lot as this is a new thing for me.  My parents are normally not like that, tho my mother constantly puts down other people and blames people for things (she cut off contact with her own family at 16).  But when I spoke to them strongly about not doing a particular thing with my daughter, that I felt was harmful, and also I've occasionally tried to connect over the awful politics here, where I feel people we know in town are being hurt by the Trump policies, they have suddenly cut me off with no contact 'for a few weeks'

I suppose this is their right to do but it felt sudden and hurtful, and I find myself not wanting to resume contact.  I had peace at one time, feeling that I would send them a kind message thanking them for what they have done for me, and letting them know that if they want space for their remaining years I'll let them be, but that doesn't feel quite right either.  Right now I'm just stuck in being sad, as anyway I can't contact them.

[Charlie3236]

Hey VanillaSky, and let me say CONGRATULATIONS! Taking the first steps out of that FOG is soo difficult, but the only way down a path of healing from abuse. Your post really spoke to me with respect to my BPD little sis. I’ve spent soo many years focusing on her health and protection, and now she resents me for it! SMH

Since she’s decided to go back and forth btw love and hate with me every few weeks, I’ve tried desperately to understand, to apologize for anything I’ve done to hurt her, to get into therapy together. But as Panda said she is STUCK, and I can’t stay in this pit with her anymore. It’s been very debilitating to me and my family.

Like you I try to focus on the fact that she is SICK and her thinking is disorganized and by definition will not make any sense. The loss is still painful, but at least I can let go of our relationship ever, ever being what I had hoped.

Great work lady, hang in there!