Is this worth it?

[Starbuck74]

I married my husband over a year ago.  We have known each other for almost 3 years.  We are in our 40s and 50s (he's a bit older than I am) and this is obviously not our first relationship.  We fell in love quickly and intensely and who knew I should be looking for signs of BPD.  I'm an overly trusting, empathetic and positive person and even red flags I should have paid attention to, I was able to dismiss with empathy of his past relationships, or understanding that everyone brings some baggage at our age. 

I travel for work.  I have a job that I love but requires me to be gone at least a few days a month - sometimes more and sometimes less.  I'm a senior executive at a manufacturing company and have a great deal of male coworkers, peers, consultants and direct reports.  Initially his issues with this I could relate to.  I think most people, with affairs and infidelity being in our face whether in books, tv or internet news, may not always be as comfortable as they want to be if their mate is surrounded by others of the opposite sex.  But the degree and intensity of these episodes, usually caused by a trip or even a a meeting at work, displayed evidence of behavior that doesn't seem quite right.  His anxiety increased, his mood swings more intense.  But we were engaged by the time these things truly came to light and planning a wedding that we were both looking forward to when these episodes did not occur.

Over the past year, the relationship has degraded.  I realized over the summer that I pushed my friends away because he always felt "lonely" when I would spend time with them.  He created a difficult summer for my college age daughter and she increasingly felt unwanted in her home - so much so that she decided to not come back home next summer.  There were multiple episodes with my family in which he accused me of flirting with my college age nephews or even my brother in law.  I ended up back in therapy as I felt my sense of worth decline.  Why did he not see how great our life could be if he trusted me or believed in me?  What is wrong with me? 

Through multiple weeks of therapy, I felt like I needed to stop worrying about what he thought or felt and just do the things that are important to me.  Go out to dinner with my girlfriends.  SPend time with my daughter.  And through discussions with my therapist and reading on the internet, I believe that his behavior is spelled out very clearly as a person with BPD.  However, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with his emotions or his feelings of emptiness. 

I have encouraged him to seek support as best I can.  He found a therapist after one particular episode where I told him he need to find help or I would leave.  (I now know ultimatums probably aren't the best for BPD).  And of course, he didn't find much use in this therapist and only saw him a few times.  I haven't brought this to him - that he may have this personality disorder.  I honestly don't know how to do it.  When he is "lucid" and I feel I have my husband back, sometimes we can talk about these things and I've been tempted to ask him what he thinks.  But that could set him off as he hates when he feels our issues all stem from him.  He can't handle the responsibility that his emotions cause this turmoil.  He's of an age that I don't think change is truly possible if he doesn't recognize the depths of his issues. 

If I leave I fulfill his "prophecy" that I will leave him - obviously the one thing he's fearful of.  I've tried techniques in multiple books, but I'm no spring chicken either and I have a hard time not being defensive or not getting angry so the escalation continues.  I wonder if I have it in me to be in this relationship and truly be happy.  I think a lot about whether it's worth it or not.  My therapist and I have had multiple discussions about this.  At the end of the day I love the man I know and believe his heart is pure.  We've had some amazing experiences (hiking the grand canyon, running a marathon, hiking Acadia national park).  And when we are out doing things we tend to find our true selves and connect very well.  It's the mundane day to day life that we just can not manage to live without turmoil. 

Thank you for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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