I just can't let go. And I keep texting and emailing.

[michel71]

Hello all. I haven't posted in a while. In April of this year I filed for divorce. Spouse moved out. Went 4 months no contact. IT was a daily struggle not to break it. Then ran into my BPD/NPD spouse. I broke down crying and all those feelings came rushing back. So we started to see each other again, seeing if "we both" could make this work but I couldn't get past the financial abuse (problem #1) that had occurred over the duration of our short marriage. It has been on again and off again. I just don't feel that my spouse has my best interests in mind. To be honest my spouse has really not been any more contrite than before and I feel like I am still carrying the weight of "making our marriage healthy" on my shoulders.

Problem number 2 in our marriage was the step kid. She was allowed to call the shots and manipulated for attention. I took a back seat to all her wants and needs and became nothing more than a nanny and an ATM. All was fine if I shut my mouth but I just couldn't. The more I kept "my voice" the worse the problems got. And of course I was made to be the "bad guy" all the time and even blamed for the emotional and mental issues that the step daughter already had.

It was a horrible situation that I got myself out of... .yet... .I feel soul tied. Trauma bonded. Extreme cognitive dissonance. I think I may have C-PTSD. I am seeing a therapist, am part of an online support group, watch you tube videos and generally try to get through my work day as efficiently as possible. But I just can't let go. And I keep texting and emailing. My spouse does not want to have any more contact with me if I am going through with the divorce which will be final in 4 weeks.

I am confused. I am heartbroken. I am scared and second guessing myself. I feel alone although I have many friends and good confidants. I am already on medication. Literally what is it going to take to get me to break this tether?

Any help would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Michel

[michel71]

Omg. auto correct I hate it!

[michel71]

sorry guys

[hope2727]

Read about abuse. Read about healthy relationships. Read other people's posts. Write out a list of pros and cons. Write out a list of all the unbearable things. Give your phone to someone else. I had to turn my over to a friend. She also changed my Facebook password and kept me off there for a long time. Then I was allowed supervised Facebook visits. I still have weak moments but i KNOW I am worthy and deserving of a happy healthy relatively normal relationship.

YOU ARE TOO!

GO read how to survive the loss of a love. ITs a small but powerful book. It helped me immensely.

[Lucky Jim]

It has been on again and off again. I just don't feel that my spouse has my best interests in mind. To be honest my spouse has really not been any more contrite than before and I feel like I am still carrying the weight of "making our marriage healthy" on my shoulders.

Hey michel71,  What, if anything, has changed?  What makes you think things will go differently this time?  From what you are saying, you are still carrying the weight.  You're right, she probably doesn't have your best interests in mind, so why are you still playing the game?  Presumably something keeps you hangin' on.  What is it?  I know these are tough questions.

LuckyJim