For the first time, he doesn't love or hate me. He's indifferent.

[Spookahontas]

I've been seeing this guy on and off for around 6 months now. It was clear he had some mental health problems but I've researched psychology a lot so I tried to prepare myself for moodswings etc. I decided to enter the relationship because I liked him, I found him attractive and I enjoyed his views. He was obviously very charming at first and tried to "love bomb" me a little. Then after a couple of blissful months came some rages and arguments which I expected. He either really appreciated me and wanted to be around me all the time, or he was mad at me for something and wanted to argue things out with me. I could actually handle both of these sides to him because I knew it meant he cared and I tried to remain the rational one. No matter if he was up or down, he'd still always be in contact with me, always call me and talk things out with me etc. I knew where I stood with him (even if he was totally erratic, manipulative etc) and I liked that. I felt secure in the chaos which is weird to think about.

He was only diagnosed with BPD a few weeks ago after he started having hallucinations due to personal stresses. It wasn't a shock to me. I pretty much knew he had it but it did shake him up a little as he was told he has an "extreme case". He's now been put on meds (antipsychotics and anti-anxiety) and is beginning therapy and practicing meditation. He has been told by his therapists to attend college and form more of a routine (he didn't do anything before).

Only now things have changed and for the first time I feel uneasy. Since his diagnoss he's just become very indifferent towards our relationship. He's not loving towards me, nor is he hateful or angry. There's not silent treatment or anything but he rarely initiates a conversation anymore whereas before he'd always be in touch. He's cancelled plans on me a couple of times whereas before he'd always want to see me whether he was in a manic state or an angry state. I don't know if its the meds or he's just busy with college (he did say he's made a lot of new friends) or his therapists have been telling him not to get involved in relationships etc. It just feels strange to me to experience this side of him and I guess it feels like its the beginning of the end. When I text or call him he'll answer most of the time and he'll even meet up with me on the odd occasion, but it doesn't feel like he cares enough now. I feel like I could just stop trying to get in touch and he wouldn't reach out anymore. I feel like all the intensity we had before has just gone and he doesn't care whether or not I stay in his life.

Its like suddenly I've become the erratic, anxious one and I'm not sure how to deal with it. He's not angry at me or trying to manipulate me at all and I actually feel upset about that? I know how messed up that sounds but at least then I knew he cared. Has anyone else experienced this before and does anyone have advice? Is indifference the end? I thought it was always going to be black and white and he'd always push and pull but at the moment it's just limbo. If I walk away, will he chase or let me go?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[hazedandconfused]

I'm by no means and expert, but I wonder because of his diagnosis - which I imagine can be devastating vs. relieving for most people -  he's feeling he like he's doing you a favor by not trying to have a relationship with you?  I would guess if you walked away, he wouldn't follow.  Of course, it depends on his personality too.

If you want to keep having a relationship, maybe just send him a short voicemail/text/email with a note saying I think you may have a lot going on but I just want to let you know I'm here if you need me.  Maybe that's the validating message you need to show you care?

[Spookahontas]

I'm by no means and expert, but I wonder because of his diagnosis - which I imagine can be devastating vs. relieving for most people -  he's feeling he like he's doing you a favor by not trying to have a relationship with you?  I would guess if you walked away, he wouldn't follow.  Of course, it depends on his personality too.

If you want to keep having a relationship, maybe just send him a short voicemail/text/email with a note saying I think you may have a lot going on but I just want to let you know I'm here if you need me.  Maybe that's the validating message you need to show you care?

I can see that being a possibility. He has said to me a couple of times in the past that I'm best keeping away because he knows he's a toxic person, and that was before the diagnosis. He told me his therapist is telling him to stay home a lot and keep to himself and family so maybe he's just following their orders for once, instead of going out getting drunk and high (which is what he used to do). So I kind of don't want to pressure him too much because for once he might be doing the sensible thing and if he thinks being distant from me is for the best and good for his mental health, I don't want to mess that up. I guess you're right. I'll just let him know to contact me if he needs me but not expect too much from him right now, thanks.