mom and my health

[clover]

I am pregnant with baby #2 and having some significant health problems. I had similar problems during my last pregnancy and had to be induced. DS was premature, but we were incredibly lucky in that he was strong and healthy.

When I was pregnant with DS, my mom rarely asked how I was. Mostly, she'd have nonsensical emotional outbursts and blame it on "going through hormonal and bodily changes right now." Sounds an awful like pregnancy, doesn't it? She would, however, ask me how much I weight and comment happily that I was going to be as big as her.

When I saw her a few weeks ago, I was really ill. She said multiple times (to me and other people) that she wanted more grandchildren, despite me having already told her that we aren't having anymore. She also commented to everyone on how big I was and how much bigger I was going to be this time. She then tried to get me to commit to an event right after my due date and wouldn't take no for an answer until a family member stepped in. I was telling the same family member about my health problems with DS and my mom cleared the room an only came back when we were done. After I left, she texted me a couple of times asking how I was, and would change the subject to herself when I responded. I told her recently that I was waiting to see if the health problem that I had with DS was returning, and that it seemed like it was. Her response was to talk again about more children.

She apparently (I say apparently because she is very unclear about her health. She is fine or not, as it suits her.) had a dizziness episode last week and called me during it. I didn't answer because I was busy with DS, and she texted me telling me what was going on. I texted her saying I'm so sorry about what happened, asking if she was okay, and suggested that she should go see her doctor to get on top of this issue. No response. And no calls or texts for the past week (which is very unlike her). No asking about me, no asking about my son, but she responds to family group texts. I'm not even really complaining - I enjoy the silence and the lack of drama. I just know that she is punishing me for not being there for her, because this is her MO. I do find myself feeling frustrated because she cannot be bothered to ask how I am. And while I'm also happy with having two children, the fact that I cannot in good conscience have another has been emotional subject for me bc deep down I'd like the option of a 3rd, and I feel like she is needling 1. out of complete disregard for my health and 2. to rub it in. It's like because I've set a "boundary" to her (not wanting or being able to carry more children), she has to challenge me.

I've decided not to give her any further information on my health, and I will not be telling her when I find out my induction date. This means that I won't be able to tell the rest of my family - I don't want to involve them in the drama between me and my mom, and while I love them they are massive enablers of dysfunctional parental behavior. I am bummed, though, that because I cannot be honest with my family about my mom's behavior, I basically have to alienate myself from my family regarding things I would normally share with them. My mom talks badly about me to family as is (I don't think they believe her), and it feels a bit like she's winning.

[Turkish]

Congratulations on bambino #2 

Sounds like you're doing what's best for you and your primary family. 

How is your family enabling of the r/s between you and your mom?

[clover]

Thank you!

My family has a lot of dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships, and the general consensus whenever there is a blowup is "that's your mom, so respect her." Parents are not to be questioned, and children are rarely (if ever) believed.

When I was growing up, my mom would have outbursts and belittle me in front of people. The most common thing she would do is start an argument with me and make me cry right before we got to a family event. I could see that some people would look concerned or kind of give me a pat on the shoulder, but no one would say anything.

I've told one family member a lot of what my mom has done to me. Their response was that it was horrible, but that I have to work on the relationship because my mom is my only mother.

A lot of problematic behavior is overlooked or swept under the rug. I generally get along great with everyone individually, especially my cousins that are my age, but if I were to say "I'm not speaking to my mom," the older people in my family would be upset with me and I don't think there is anything that I can tell them that they wouldn't make an excuse for. It's like they know how my mom is but they are more invested in us pretending to be perfect. And in the end, they may disagree with her, but they all really buy into the idea that parents are the ultimate authority.

[madeline7]

Sounds like you are aware of the dynamics and are setting healthy boundaries for you, but I understand how sad it is to realize that for now you can not let your other family members know the details of your pregnancy. But so impressed with your insights and follow through. My children are young adults now and wish I had the wisdom to think like you do at your stage in life. Enjoy this special time with your young and growing family. Take good care of yourself and your son and best wishes for the newest member of your family.

[AskingWhy]

Thank you!

My family has a lot of dysfunctional mother/daughter relationships, and the general consensus whenever there is a blowup is "that's your mom, so respect her." Parents are not to be questioned, and children are rarely (if ever) believed.

When I was growing up, my mom would have outbursts and belittle me in front of people. The most common thing she would do is start an argument with me and make me cry right before we got to a family event. I could see that some people would look concerned or kind of give me a pat on the shoulder, but no one would say anything.

I've told one family member a lot of what my mom has done to me. Their response was that it was horrible, but that I have to work on the relationship because my mom is my only mother.

A lot of problematic behavior is overlooked or swept under the rug. I generally get along great with everyone individually, especially my cousins that are my age, but if I were to say "I'm not speaking to my mom," the older people in my family would be upset with me and I don't think there is anything that I can tell them that they wouldn't make an excuse for. It's like they know how my mom is but they are more invested in us pretending to be perfect. And in the end, they may disagree with her, but they all really buy into the idea that parents are the ultimate authority.

Clover, I am so sorry to hear about this.  You know the main unhealthy dynamics in your family, and the problems are the elephants in the living room.  Concentrate now on your health and your baby, and your other child. 

It appears to me that denial is a big part of the problem.  Yes, you only have one M, but that does not excuse the acting out.  pwBPD, like those with NPD, have a problem with empathy.  Many pwBPD, due to their lack of sense of self, want to be the center of attention.

You description of your treatment by your M when you were a child is consistent with BPD and/or NPD.

You don't say if you are in counseling or not., but I would recommend it for your peace of mind.  You are wise to withhold certain details of your life as they can be used against you.

As you are an adult with children, I am guessing your M to be in her 40s or 50s.  Your mother might also be menopausal or perimenopausal.  Menopause has much more to it than hot flashes and moodiness.  The dizziness can also be a symptom.    I am not making excuses for the outbursts in any way, as your M has a pattern of dysregulating when you were a child, but depression and other types of dysphoria can accompany menopause/perimenopause. 

You are wise to limit your involvement at this time as you don't need the stress to complicate your pregnancy any further.