Humiliation

[I am strong]

Thank you for allowing me to speak my heart.

I have been married for 23 years, four beautiful children. For the past 14 months we have been seperated and will finaly be divorced on 12/12/18. The day I walked out, to save myself and maintain my sanity, she found another married man claiming he is her soulemate. I feel like 23 years of life with her was a joke and a lie. I am going through withdrawl symptoms of her abusing, manipulating and controlling me, to the extent of me not knowing who or what I am. I feel humilited, broken, sad, alone, isolated. I dont want anything to do with her or even see or speak to her. But we have 4 kids together and connit avoid some contact. How long before my wheels come iff completely. I am trying to be strong for my kids.

[hereforthefood]

Though I never married her, I've been on a similar roller coaster for the same amount of time.  The feelings you have ring true with me.  I'm thankful that I have a child after this, but I long for the possibility of some closure your divorce could bring you.  I'd offer relevant advice, if I had any.  Since I don't, take some comfort in that you're not alone.

[Panda39]

Hi I am strong,

23 years is a long time.  You will not just "get over it" in a few days, you will need to grieve, and feel all those feelings that you are processing now.  I know it's hard you are going through a lot of change and it will take awhile to adjust.  Divorce is hard whether you're married to someone with BPD or not especially after a long marriage of 23 years.

In terms of contact with your stbxw you might try communicating via email only.  It creates some distance between the two of you, it slows down the communication so you have time to process the message.  Is it something about the kids? Yes, then respond using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Firm, Friendly) in other words keep is short and sweet.  Is it an email bashing you or off the topic of the kids?  Then just don't respond.  Over time what my SO found by doing this was his ex would look elsewhere for drama and emotional engagement.

Have you thought about a Therapist for yourself?  My SO had one briefly during his separation/divorce and he found it really helpful to have someone to talk things out with.  You might need that added support as you go through this rough patch.

You are definitely not alone we are all here 

Hang in there, getting through this is a process and will take some time. 

Panda39

[Torched]

I have been divorced now for almost a year and it has only just begun to get AWESOME.

I have someone who loves me, reflects back the love that I give, understands my sensitivities and needs, and appreciates those things I am and give to her.  I pinch myself constantly and my partner laughs at me and says "this is what a normal loving relationship is like."

Give it some time.  I really understand your feelings of confusion over who you are.  BPD's and 20 years will leave you a ghost of who you "should have been."  That said, trust me when I say you need time, and time will relieve many of these issues for you.

The other side of leaving a BPD is AWESOME if you do it slowly, carefully, and with reflection and thoughtful action.  It was important that I didn't put all the blame on my exBPDw.  Make sure you don't make the same mistakes you made when you were young in that relationship.  If you are like me, you ignored bad treatment and behaviors early--and had you believed more in your right to be loved fully, you would have not stayed with the BPD.  Do it right this time and consider this a wonderful new opportunity.

I do love the prior post about communicating and distance from the BPD.  Very important.