My r/s attachment style has been secure consistently over time. I invest in a LTR but I need alone time and am not prone to jealousy, am fine with my SO having male and platonic female friends as long as he’s loyal to me. I prefer both me and SO having our own lives and interests along with those things we share. I’ve spent about half my adult life in monogamous r/s (at least I was and they said they were fwiw), most of this time was w/ex-H, a couple other 2-3 years each, spaced out. Last one nine years ago.
During the stretches on my own, I’ve dated casually, but probably spent most of this time, 10 years plus, on hiatus by choice, dating/ r/s was not a priority (busy career period) or I didn't meet anyone I was attracted to.
The longer term r/s’s were with people who, while each was quite different from the others, all seemed to have more anxious attachment styles. I can enjoy someone’s company but if I don’t feel that his stakes are high, there’s no spark. His attitude reads as indifference even if he expresses romantic intentions. To me, we might be brother and sister.
I’m wondering if this secure/anxious combination is because I’m independent and comfortable on my own, so it takes someone knocking clearly at my door to open up and invite them in. Or because I enjoy nurturing or respond to feeling needed. Or if someone’s style is “anxious” it reads to me as passion... .Or maybe a combination thereof. There’s talk here of “healthy or unhealthy,” and I get the appeal intellectually. At the same time, where there’s passion there is at least a drop of madness, and one man’s crazy is another’s quirky.
Regardless, I don’t believe at this point that my wiring can be changed.
Can anyone relate or want to explore this idea with me?
