Grief, pain, anxiety, loss.

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was in a six-month online relationship with a woman who I think was narcissistic or BPD.  She would blow hot and cold on me, was inconsistent and then, after idealising me, suddenly changed, her personality changed one night and it was the most chilling and sinister of things.  

We broke up seven months ago and the effects on me have been devastating.  I have nightmares, night terror, difficulty sleeping.  I am sure the nightmares are an effect of the way her persona shifted.  It really disturbed me, I felt a chill run through me, I still cannot understand why I was so deeply affected by someone who was just typing to me, but I could sense the difference, she was like a different person, suddenly, over night.  

I'd come to feel such security in the joy we shared in the idealisation phase.  Our relationship had been wonderful, sublime even, really we shared so much, then she went away for Christmas and, when she returned, it was never the same.  I will never know what happened or what the truth was, she was secretive and compartmentalised me.  

The week we met she told me she had to go to bars to entertain clients as part of work and that justified her lifestyle of being out with other men every night.  She quickly compartmentalised our relationship, only coming online late at night after she had finished with others.  For the first few weeks she had been available continuously but then soon compartmentalised me to her apartment, this was the first sign of devaluation.  :)evaluation was constant and progressive, from the very start I noticed changed in her behaviour.  She was always hot-and-cold with me.  At first I thought I had to compete with other men for her because we met on a dating site but now I wonder what went on.  

She eventually left me for an "old friend" who she'd "not seen in a long time" and after the break up she said "I had no choice, I knew him a lot longer than I know you".  She always justified her going out with men as "friends" and eventually, sure enough, she started sleeping with one.  She betrayed me for the final three weeks I am sure but I cannot prove it.  After Christmas when she suddenly changed, I didn't think we'd get through the first week of january, she was so cold and distant and acerbic.  One night I asked her "do you still love me?" (we always told one another we loved each other, very often, daily so it was very natural for us to express these things) and she said "if you ask me again, this is over" and I should have got out then, I felt sick with anguish when she said it, it was the most cutting thing I've ever heard said.  Even when a relationship is over you don't openly threaten to withdraw love.  

Another time she said she'd practice sexual positions with other men before she visited me (which never happened) and that she needed to "find an english lover to teach her english".  I am English and well educated so this was very cutting.  After the coldness for three weeks in January, when she ghosted me over two weekends, I am sure she had some kind of abortive affair and got dumped or else the man she eventually left me for came back into her life and possibly visited her and they had sex on the nights she ghosted me.  I suspect this because she sent me a message from work after missing over night, she did this later when betraying me, it possbly indicated she had never been to her apartment where she used me for company.  

After I thought the relationship was at an end, suddenly, she changed completely and re-idealised me and was very loving for three weeks.  She told me she valued me and wanted me to stay in her life for as long as possible and said she loved me and couldn't wait to visit me to show me how much she valued me.  I was so happy and so positive, it felt great again and I felt such optimism and love.  She went on holiday and we spent a lot of time together because she was away from her harem and needed me as sole male attention.  I felt great, I kept her company right up to boarding I told her "God's speed, travel safely, always remember how much I love you" and we said good bye.  I stayed up as long as I could waiting for a message that she arrived safely: none came.  I waited the next seventeen hours for some kind of word.  

Eventually she said she "wasn't used to being in a relationship" and I suppose I should have known then, we'd been 'together' four months at that point.  Anyway, because things had been so good between us, I felt optimistic but as soon as I tried to initiate intimacy on her return from holiday, she was different, immediately distant, very distant, cold, aloof, and showing further devaluation, coming on later.  I now suspect she knew exactly what she was going to do over the following weeks and was love-bombing my replacement.  

She stopped coming online with me in the morning when she woke after her holiday and I am sure that indicated she was doing that with someone else.  We were never intimate with one another again after her holiday and I was confused.  She was coming on later and saying she'd not been out and I used to think "why didn't you come on line if you have been home", she was acknowledging that I didn't matter to her and I didn't have the courage to confront her with the truth, i just hoped it was another temporary phase but now, i realise, she was probably love-bombing my replacement.  I noticed she was out later every night from the second week of March and was boasting of eating in fine restaurants with a "male friend".  But all her friends were male and she ate out every night.  

Anyway, after this week of her being out later, suddenly, she missed a weekend.  I knew if she ever missed a weekend, she was sleeping with someone.  And then suddenly, after that weekend, her whole routines changed radically.  She'd always come on line later, before sleeping, pushing me further and further back to the last half-hour before bed.  Because of this, if she was lying to me, she had a problem, and, surely enough, she started telling me she was "going to bed" at 9 pm and 10 pm.  She never sleeps before 1 am so it was a lie.  She isn't usually getting home until past 12 every night.  She ghosted me again and then announced "we can't make this relationship work even if we both try very hard".  I knew she had to be seeing someone else.  

At first I was too shocked but I knew from the changes in her persona.  She was cold, a different person and what she meant was "I don't want to try".  The night after she told me she'd been with an old friend who'd just got back from a business trip and I said "if he's just got back from a business trip, why are you a priority" and she melted down and said the relationship was like a prison and nobody needs to check in all the time.  She said "what if we don't have contact for months, you think this is over between us".  Anyway, I tried to be loving.  I was very loving for someone who knew it was over.  I told her she should sleep and we should talk the next day.  I only cared about her health, it was past 12 and I didn't want to cause her pain.  She never recognised my decency.  She besmirched me to him, she said I was aggressive towards her and I suffered terribly for months over the things she said.  

My body rang with pain, like every fibre of my nervous system ringing with anguish, I've never suffered such generalised low-level pain and my brain ached for months and still does.  I could feel my brain (not my mind but my brain in my skull) aching and like a pain at the front of my head every day, every night.  The pain.  I longed to die.  I just longed to die.  She lied and lied to me, she got really upset with me for suspecting what she was obviously doing, she was never available and wouldn't communicate.  After I heard about the "old friend", she never came on at night again, even though we were still together, supposedly, and she would contact me from work, a different person, so arrogant towards me, so cutting.  

She said one day, when i was trying to talk to her about what was happening: she was denying she had met anyone and said "I'd tell you if I met anyone and wouldn't lie to you" and then she said "leave all that negative stuff it's really not attractive, I am trying to surround myself with positive people and you should too" which hurt me a lot because I was always so positive towards her.  When we met she'd been hurt I knew and I gave her everything I could to help her heal and make her feel positive, I lavished attention on her so she knew she was loved.  Anyway, she ignored me and then i ended up calling her in a bar and she was with a man, she was throwing her hair around, showing her beauty off to him, it was obvious she was having sex with him from her behaviour, she was high on the new man, I could see her glancing knowingly at him and she was giggling manically like she was on drugs, she kept stifling giggles and she could barely manage to talk, she was making exaggerated movements, ostentatiously, to show herself off to him, to show what he could enjoy and she spat the words "you can talk to me here" after I said I wanted to speak to her privately.  I said "This might be the final conversation we ever have, I don't want it to be in a bar with you with another man".  She said "you're so difficult you know that?" and then "why can't you look at me", a reference to my inability to make eye contact which I explained to her when we met (I am autistic).  Anyway, I said "are we still in a relationship?" and she said "yes".  She said she'd talk to me later but I knew it was a lie.  She never came on and she sent me a text the next day ending it saying "I just want to be friends because all you want to do is talk about 'us'", it was another lie, she didn't want to be friends at all and deleted me from everything.  

Earlier in march, when I remarked on how distant she'd become she said "if i was distant i woudn't come on at all" which is what she now did.  Anyway, I think she was sleeping with him for three weeks before we broke up and I was being lied to.  The anxiety of this period did so much damage to me.  We broke up, it was hell for me.  I wrote her 150 000 words of analysis based on her testimony, I know she lied, she was never reconciliatory towards me, she never gave me a chance, she knew what she was doing, she only wanted out becuase she was already sleeping with someone else.  Anyway, I never heard from her for three months, then she wrote to me asking me to be her friend, it turns out he dumped her, he went back to his partner I assume and he'd used her, as I said he would the day she texted me ending it, I told her he'd just use her but he had money and she thought he was higher status than me.  I regret my response to her now.  It haunts me.  I wish I had just said "sure" but I thought she was still with him and it hurt so much and I was defensive.

I wrote her a long letter because she's said so many negative things about me I wondered why she even wanted to be my friend if I was such a burden to her.  I regret this now.  I'd do anything to talk to her again or to have her back in my life.  I love her so deeply.  Anyway, after saying she had no choice because she knew him before me, she reverted to silent treatment and I've never heard anything from her.  I sent her a gift for her birthday and she ignored me and then I sent her a poem on the anniversary of our meeting which she ignored as well.  What can I do?  I can't leave behind what she did because she was so unfair to me.  When I asked her about the relationship she always lied and said things were fine and her feelings had not changed when, in reality, I realise, she was lining up my replacement.  I have said, over and over to her, "you never gave me a chance".  

When I found out she was back on the dating site we met on I messaged her offering to pay for her trip to visit me so we can talk.  I just want to put the past behind us and talk.  We never talked.  I never got chance to express all that she meant to me.  I feel bereft of her.  She left me with joy, she was ecstatic in the bar and gloated often over how great her new boyfriend was, she wrote to me telling me how wonderful he was and how great their relationship was.  It was me who picked her up last year after one of these men hurt her.  I suggested she come over and let us be together and see how we feel so we can talk about everything but she just ignores me.  I've written her some of the most beautiful and thoughtful prose that really considers her, but I am sad to say, I am always honest about how she changed and I realise that probably insults her because you have to believe her lies.  She fed me a line after breaking up that she met him AFTER breaking up with me but if that was the case, why did she suddenly start missing weekends and suddenly start "going to bed" at 9 pm and 10 pm?  She never even gets home until past 12 every night and never sleep before 1 am.  She was going around to sleep with him and messaging me for 10 minutes while putting on make up.  

I was supposed to buy into her narrative.  I've always contested that, which I regret now because I realise I destroyed any chance of her ever coming back because my account of her behaviour will have insulted her.  I have apologised to her hundreds of times.  I just explained what I did to try to get her to see how unfairly she treated me.  I was there for her when she needed someone and I helped her heal and I know she was only with me out of loneliness and hurt but she should have given me a chance to let her down before leaving me but she didn't, she lied and lied to me when I asked, so I could not rectify anything, I couldn't act in the relationship because she denied me the information or any means to act.  I realise now that she just sees me as a worthless human being who offers her nothing.  All this has caused me so much pain.  I feel so worthless, bereft and ridiculous.  I've never tried so hard to reach someone and be magnanimous but she just ignores me.  No matter what I do, she ignores me.  The silent treatment hurts me a lot.  

The blame I've felt after losing her has been so deep it's like physical pain.  I feel such guilt, like I should be killed.  I never felt such toxic guilt.  I feel like I let her down, like I failed her, like I drove her away.  It is just so excruciating, the sense of guilt when you lose someone you love so deeply.  I've begged her for forgiveness but, also, I am not impressed that she asked me to be her friend and then, when I agreed, she ignored me.  That seems bad to me.  I went through a lot and although I made a meal of the request, which I regret, I have apologised to her and said we should talk to move forward as friends, but she just ignores me.  It makes me blame myself all over again.  I feel like I lost her twice.  I feel like I lost her during the relationship and then like I made a mess of the break up.  I am just carrying so much pain over it all.  I apologise to her like it was my fault and I never betrayed her, never lied to her.  I've never acted against her interests.  

What saddens me the most is that these men who have used her she'll still interact with because she wants their money and resources and me, who never hurt her, who is one of the purest people she'll meet, she ignores.  I must be one of the few men she's ever met whose never wanted to use her and who was on her side and yet it doesn't matter to her because I don't have what she wants which is why she ignores me, she knows I am a worthless person.  It's all been so painful.  I live in so much pain knowing I'll never ever hear her voice or see her face again.  I don't know what I did to deserve this after a year ago we were so much in love and our relationship was so amazing.  We had such poignant mutuality, such expansive intimacy, we shared so much and we just needed to find a way to work through the problems but she never gave us a

[Grievingsoul]

I was in a six-month online relationship with a woman who I think was narcissistic or BPD.  She would blow hot and cold on me, was inconsistent and then, after idealising me, suddenly changed, her personality changed one night and it was the most chilling and sinister of things.  

We broke up seven months ago and the effects on me have been devastating.  I have nightmares, night terror, difficulty sleeping.  I am sure the nightmares are an effect of the way her persona shifted.  It really disturbed me, I felt a chill run through me, I still cannot understand why I was so deeply affected by someone who was just typing to me, but I could sense the difference, she was like a different person, suddenly, over night.  

I'd come to feel such security in the joy we shared in the idealisation phase.  Our relationship had been wonderful, sublime even, really we shared so much, then she went away for Christmas and, when she returned, it was never the same.  I will never know what happened or what the truth was, she was secretive and compartmentalised me.  

The week we met she told me she had to go to bars to entertain clients as part of work and that justified her lifestyle of being out with other men every night.  She quickly compartmentalised our relationship, only coming online late at night after she had finished with others.  For the first few weeks she had been available continuously but then soon compartmentalised me to her apartment, this was the first sign of devaluation.  :)evaluation was constant and progressive, from the very start I noticed changed in her behaviour.  She was always hot-and-cold with me.  At first I thought I had to compete with other men for her because we met on a dating site but now I wonder what went on.  

She eventually left me for an "old friend" who she'd "not seen in a long time" and after the break up she said "I had no choice, I knew him a lot longer than I know you".  She always justified her going out with men as "friends" and eventually, sure enough, she started sleeping with one.  She betrayed me for the final three weeks I am sure but I cannot prove it.  After Christmas when she suddenly changed, I didn't think we'd get through the first week of january, she was so cold and distant and acerbic.  One night I asked her "do you still love me?" (we always told one another we loved each other, very often, daily so it was very natural for us to express these things) and she said "if you ask me again, this is over" and I should have got out then, I felt sick with anguish when she said it, it was the most cutting thing I've ever heard said.  Even when a relationship is over you don't openly threaten to withdraw love.  

Another time she said she'd practice sexual positions with other men before she visited me (which never happened) and that she needed to "find an english lover to teach her english".  I am English and well educated so this was very cutting.  After the coldness for three weeks in January, when she ghosted me over two weekends, I am sure she had some kind of abortive affair and got dumped or else the man she eventually left me for came back into her life and possibly visited her and they had sex on the nights she ghosted me.  I suspect this because she sent me a message from work after missing over night, she did this later when betraying me, it possbly indicated she had never been to her apartment where she used me for company.  

After I thought the relationship was at an end, suddenly, she changed completely and re-idealised me and was very loving for three weeks.  She told me she valued me and wanted me to stay in her life for as long as possible and said she loved me and couldn't wait to visit me to show me how much she valued me.  I was so happy and so positive, it felt great again and I felt such optimism and love.  She went on holiday and we spent a lot of time together because she was away from her harem and needed me as sole male attention.  I felt great, I kept her company right up to boarding I told her "God's speed, travel safely, always remember how much I love you" and we said good bye.  I stayed up as long as I could waiting for a message that she arrived safely: none came.  I waited the next seventeen hours for some kind of word.  

Eventually she said she "wasn't used to being in a relationship" and I suppose I should have known then, we'd been 'together' four months at that point.  Anyway, because things had been so good between us, I felt optimistic but as soon as I tried to initiate intimacy on her return from holiday, she was different, immediately distant, very distant, cold, aloof, and showing further devaluation, coming on later.  I now suspect she knew exactly what she was going to do over the following weeks and was love-bombing my replacement.  

She stopped coming online with me in the morning when she woke after her holiday and I am sure that indicated she was doing that with someone else.  We were never intimate with one another again after her holiday and I was confused.  She was coming on later and saying she'd not been out and I used to think "why didn't you come on line if you have been home", she was acknowledging that I didn't matter to her and I didn't have the courage to confront her with the truth, i just hoped it was another temporary phase but now, i realise, she was probably love-bombing my replacement.  I noticed she was out later every night from the second week of March and was boasting of eating in fine restaurants with a "male friend".  But all her friends were male and she ate out every night.  

Anyway, after this week of her being out later, suddenly, she missed a weekend.  I knew if she ever missed a weekend, she was sleeping with someone.  And then suddenly, after that weekend, her whole routines changed radically.  She'd always come on line later, before sleeping, pushing me further and further back to the last half-hour before bed.  Because of this, if she was lying to me, she had a problem, and, surely enough, she started telling me she was "going to bed" at 9 pm and 10 pm.  She never sleeps before 1 am so it was a lie.  She isn't usually getting home until past 12 every night.  She ghosted me again and then announced "we can't make this relationship work even if we both try very hard".  I knew she had to be seeing someone else.  

At first I was too shocked but I knew from the changes in her persona.  She was cold, a different person and what she meant was "I don't want to try".  The night after she told me she'd been with an old friend who'd just got back from a business trip and I said "if he's just got back from a business trip, why are you a priority" and she melted down and said the relationship was like a prison and nobody needs to check in all the time.  She said "what if we don't have contact for months, you think this is over between us".  Anyway, I tried to be loving.  I was very loving for someone who knew it was over.  I told her she should sleep and we should talk the next day.  I only cared about her health, it was past 12 and I didn't want to cause her pain.  She never recognised my decency.  She besmirched me to him, she said I was aggressive towards her and I suffered terribly for months over the things she said.  

My body rang with pain, like every fibre of my nervous system ringing with anguish, I've never suffered such generalised low-level pain and my brain ached for months and still does.  I could feel my brain (not my mind but my brain in my skull) aching and like a pain at the front of my head every day, every night.  The pain.  I longed to die.  I just longed to die.  She lied and lied to me, she got really upset with me for suspecting what she was obviously doing, she was never available and wouldn't communicate.  After I heard about the "old friend", she never came on at night again, even though we were still together, supposedly, and she would contact me from work, a different person, so arrogant towards me, so cutting.  

She said one day, when i was trying to talk to her about what was happening: she was denying she had met anyone and said "I'd tell you if I met anyone and wouldn't lie to you" and then she said "leave all that negative stuff it's really not attractive, I am trying to surround myself with positive people and you should too" which hurt me a lot because I was always so positive towards her.  When we met she'd been hurt I knew and I gave her everything I could to help her heal and make her feel positive, I lavished attention on her so she knew she was loved.  Anyway, she ignored me and then i ended up calling her in a bar and she was with a man, she was throwing her hair around, showing her beauty off to him, it was obvious she was having sex with him from her behaviour, she was high on the new man, I could see her glancing knowingly at him and she was giggling manically like she was on drugs, she kept stifling giggles and she could barely manage to talk, she was making exaggerated movements, ostentatiously, to show herself off to him, to show what he could enjoy and she spat the words "you can talk to me here" after I said I wanted to speak to her privately.  I said "This might be the final conversation we ever have, I don't want it to be in a bar with you with another man".  She said "you're so difficult you know that?" and then "why can't you look at me", a reference to my inability to make eye contact which I explained to her when we met (I am autistic).  Anyway, I said "are we still in a relationship?" and she said "yes".  She said she'd talk to me later but I knew it was a lie.  She never came on and she sent me a text the next day ending it saying "I just want to be friends because all you want to do is talk about 'us'", it was another lie, she didn't want to be friends at all and deleted me from everything.  

Earlier in march, when I remarked on how distant she'd become she said "if i was distant i woudn't come on at all" which is what she now did.  Anyway, I think she was sleeping with him for three weeks before we broke up and I was being lied to.  The anxiety of this period did so much damage to me.  We broke up, it was hell for me.  I wrote her 150 000 words of analysis based on her testimony, I know she lied, she was never reconciliatory towards me, she never gave me a chance, she knew what she was doing, she only wanted out becuase she was already sleeping with someone else.  Anyway, I never heard from her for three months, then she wrote to me asking me to be her friend, it turns out he dumped her, he went back to his partner I assume and he'd used her, as I said he would the day she texted me ending it, I told her he'd just use her but he had money and she thought he was higher status than me.  I regret my response to her now.  It haunts me.  I wish I had just said "sure" but I thought she was still with him and it hurt so much and I was defensive.

I wrote her a long letter because she's said so many negative things about me I wondered why she even wanted to be my friend if I was such a burden to her.  I regret this now.  I'd do anything to talk to her again or to have her back in my life.  I love her so deeply.  Anyway, after saying she had no choice because she knew him before me, she reverted to silent treatment and I've never heard anything from her.  I sent her a gift for her birthday and she ignored me and then I sent her a poem on the anniversary of our meeting which she ignored as well.  What can I do?  I can't leave behind what she did because she was so unfair to me.  When I asked her about the relationship she always lied and said things were fine and her feelings had not changed when, in reality, I realise, she was lining up my replacement.  I have said, over and over to her, "you never gave me a chance".  

When I found out she was back on the dating site we met on I messaged her offering to pay for her trip to visit me so we can talk.  I just want to put the past behind us and talk.  We never talked.  I never got chance to express all that she meant to me.  I feel bereft of her.  She left me with joy, she was ecstatic in the bar and gloated often over how great her new boyfriend was, she wrote to me telling me how wonderful he was and how great their relationship was.  It was me who picked her up last year after one of these men hurt her.  I suggested she come over and let us be together and see how we feel so we can talk about everything but she just ignores me.  I've written her some of the most beautiful and thoughtful prose that really considers her, but I am sad to say, I am always honest about how she changed and I realise that probably insults her because you have to believe her lies.  She fed me a line after breaking up that she met him AFTER breaking up with me but if that was the case, why did she suddenly start missing weekends and suddenly start "going to bed" at 9 pm and 10 pm?  She never even gets home until past 12 every night and never sleep before 1 am.  She was going around to sleep with him and messaging me for 10 minutes while putting on make up.  

I was supposed to buy into her narrative.  I've always contested that, which I regret now because I realise I destroyed any chance of her ever coming back because my account of her behaviour will have insulted her.  I have apologised to her hundreds of times.  I just explained what I did to try to get her to see how unfairly she treated me.  I was there for her when she needed someone and I helped her heal and I know she was only with me out of loneliness and hurt but she should have given me a chance to let her down before leaving me but she didn't, she lied and lied to me when I asked, so I could not rectify anything, I couldn't act in the relationship because she denied me the information or any means to act.  I realise now that she just sees me as a worthless human being who offers her nothing.  All this has caused me so much pain.  I feel so worthless, bereft and ridiculous.  I've never tried so hard to reach someone and be magnanimous but she just ignores me.  No matter what I do, she ignores me.  The silent treatment hurts me a lot.  

The blame I've felt after losing her has been so deep it's like physical pain.  I feel such guilt, like I should be killed.  I never felt such toxic guilt.  I feel like I let her down, like I failed her, like I drove her away.  It is just so excruciating, the sense of guilt when you lose someone you love so deeply.  I've begged her for forgiveness but, also, I am not impressed that she asked me to be her friend and then, when I agreed, she ignored me.  That seems bad to me.  I went through a lot and although I made a meal of the request, which I regret, I have apologised to her and said we should talk to move forward as friends, but she just ignores me.  It makes me blame myself all over again.  I feel like I lost her twice.  I feel like I lost her during the relationship and then like I made a mess of the break up.  I am just carrying so much pain over it all.  I apologise to her like it was my fault and I never betrayed her, never lied to her.  I've never acted against her interests.  

What saddens me the most is that these men who have used her she'll still interact with because she wants their money and resources and me, who never hurt her, who is one of the purest people she'll meet, she ignores.  I must be one of the few men she's ever met whose never wanted to use her and who was on her side and yet it doesn't matter to her because I don't have what she wants which is why she ignores me, she knows I am a worthless person.  It's all been so painful.  I live in so much pain knowing I'll never ever hear her voice or see her face again.  I don't know what I did to deserve this after a year ago we were so much in love and our relationship was so amazing.  We had such poignant mutuality, such expansive intimacy, we shared so much and we just needed to find a way to work through the problems but she never gave us a

[once removed]

hi soulless23 and

im sorry to hear about the circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you found us. we can help, and it helps to find a community where folks understand.

im wondering if you are seeing a therapist to help you with the pain of these very difficult feelings? it comes highly recommended around here.

im also wondering if you are hoping to revive the relationship? if so, it would be a good idea to move over to the Saving board, and learn the tools and skills necessary, as well as to stop the bleeding.

how can we best support you at this time?

[Grievingsoul]

No, I can't afford a therapist and the NHS ones are awful.  I would like to revive the relationship but I don't think there is any way to.  After she asked me to be her friend, she's ignored me completely.  The silent treatment has caused me immense pain and continues to do so.  It's all left me so confused.  Because she reached out to me I feel like I lost her twice.  I regret being defensive when she reached out, if she'd told me she needed me I'd have been there for her immediately.  My guess is she's either with someone new or else still in contact with the man she left me for, although he's left her now because she is back on the dating site we met on.  I regret my response to her so much but I could not conceive their relationship would end so fast.  She told me he was wonderful, the most caring and intelligent man she ever met, who offered her "everything she ever dreamed of".  When she contacted me, it was the persona that arose when she was grooming him so I am sure she is still in contact with him.  Also, she referred to him as "my boyfriend", not my "ex-boyfriend".  But it must be over because she is back on the dating site.  I've tried to write her so many letters asking her to just communicate with me.  She treated me unfairly because she was never honest.  When I sensed her becoming distant i would ask her "did you meet someone", I could sense her disconnecting and when she was missing over three nights in January I am sure she met someone.  She turned so cold and callous and nasty, she was like a different person, only one thing could explain that.  She turned again at the end after she got back from bali so she must have met someone in january.  Either she had an affair which ended or she met the man she left me for.  I can't know.  I wish she'd communicate with me but she doesn't.  I regret that I wrote her so many letters.  On the night I found out about my replacement she said "what if you don't hear from me for months, you think it's over between us?" and I always hoped she might come back but then I wrote her 150 000 words in seven weeks and have written such detailed examinations of what I think she did that I probably insulted her.  She is the kind of person who tells a lie and believes it.  I think I had to commit to the lie that she never betrayed me which, from the changes in her behaviour, I find impossible to believe.  She humiliated me so badly in the bar, I've never recovered from that, it haunts me.  I wish she'd stayed out of my life.  I was on her side, I would never have hurt her and she's done untold damage to me.  All I've been through this year is devaluation and then loss.  Then she asked me to be her friend only to make me feel like I failed her again.  It's the sense of blame that hurts so much.  The guilt I've carried.  I never knew guilt to be so painful.  Can be such a burden.  I feel like I've done something terrible to her and I never betrayed her or lied to her.  I responded to her request for friendship too heavily.  I've apologised to her for this many times.  I wish I could talk to her one last time but I know I'll never hear from her again.  I don't have anything she wants.  She was just lonely and desperate when we met.  She wants someone who has money.  She sees me as a worthless person which I am but perceiving my reality via her hurts.  I can't really do anymore.  Although I've criticised her in letters in an attempt to get her to recognise the wrong she's done me in an effort to get her to give me a chance, I've never stooped to personal offence.  I just wish I'd said to her, "yes, fine, let's be friends" when she asked instead of making the meal of it like I did.  I had always hoped my qualities would matter but they never do.  The pain is excoriating.  I miss her so much.  I feel such toxic guilt and sorrow.  I never had chance to share so much with her, she never gave us chance to overcome the obstacles, she just lied and lied until the closed the compartment/need I was in.  She used me for a particular need: company and then looked for someone better, once she met someone, she ditched me.  She was out every night with a different man, she doesn't find it difficult to meet men.  She is surrounded by them.  I don't know why she ever bothered with me except I offered her appreciation, esteem, affection, kindness when she was alone and this is why I think she used me.  She saw other men after work, then when she was alone in her apartment, she had me to keep her company until she fell asleep.  She'd been hurt when we met and I rejuvenated her but once her needs were satisfied she moved up the hierarchy of her needs and wanted things I couldn't provide.  She never spoke to me, she never gave us chance to talk, everything was "ok" until it wasn't and then she just pursued discard.  This was why I wrote so much to her because I was showing that she never had any other interest than breaking up.  Even while she was sleeping with him she continued to tell me things were fine and nothing had changed even though she was unavailable every night.  This phase was awful.  It's why I called her in the bar when she humiliated me completely.  She obviously never spared me a thought and was ecstatic to get out of our relationship.  When I'd given her all I could, it was awful.  Then getting her gloating emails telling me how great my replacement was, hurt, I still feel sick and flash back to those letters.  I wonder whether he was always there in the background.  When she went away for christmas she was never the same person again after.  She could have been with someone.  When she returned in January, she was a different person.  Very cold.  I could never get a straight answer out of her, she just told me things were ok and made me feel bad for asking.  The silent treatment is what has hurt a lot.  We broke up almost 8 months ago so I know she'll never come back.  She's decided I offer her nothing and she sees me as pathetic so I know that is that now.  I feel like I did too much damage to the relationship after breaking up with my letters but they are full of love.  I always seem to do the wrong thing.