Impossible Ultimatums

[5xFive]

Out of the blue today uBPDh dysregulated. From the pattern I’ve noticed over the last months, I didn’t expect it for another few days. Somehow it seems worse when it’s a surprise. No buildup, just BAM! screaming and name calling.
Today he says that I have until the end of the year to “fix” his life or we’re done. The problem is of course, I only have a vague idea of what it is that he wants. He’s said before that he wants to live on the road. Not impossible with 2 small children and lots and lots of planning. But I don’t see how it could be done in 2 weeks. Selling a house that’s torn to sh*t from his rages? Not possible until it’s fixed up. It needs to be at least presentable. It’s certainly not in selling condition.
I know that he knows this isn’t possible. At least he knew yesterday. But he woke up this morning and there was a stain on his brand new shirt. Something from the washing machine, idk what happened. But he went into an immediate tailspin over it. Started yelling about how much he hates his life, starts knocking things about. He knocked over an old can of soda that I hadn’t cleared off the kitchen table and just went on as if nothing had happened. It was nearly full and started running toward the edges. Without thinking I said “geez” and he took it as criticism of him. He said I always criticize or have “commentary” (not sure what this means other than keep your damn mouth shut). So we go on with the day and everything seemed fine. He came home in a great mood but then S6 showed him that the Christmas gem he’d picked up for Dad from the school gift shop broke when it fell on the tile floor and that was it. Immediately into how I broke another promise. This one was that I wouldn’t criticize. I seem to make a LOT of promises that I have no memory of making. I’m not sure if I make them in the thick of things and forget or if I say I’ll work on that and in his mind: my word is my bond.
Then onto he ultimatum. Screaming in front of the kids. Telling me that we are over. S6 was so upset. He’s afraid Dad is going to leave. And I don’t know how to deal with that. Therapy isn’t an option right now. Maybe in a few months when we’re back on our feet financially, but I doubt he would ageee to it anyway. He thinks therapists are bunk. Only there to take your money and give you meds to shut you up (past experiences for him). So I did the best I could to diffuse the situation for S6, and tried to talk to h. He wasn’t having it. He went to bed early and angry, but before he did, he told me that he is anxious about work tomorrow (ah ha!). Normally he will let me comfort him in some way, rub his back or something but not tonight. Tonight I am still the ruiner of lives. The promise breaker. And so the ultimatum stands.
The stress and anxiety is making me sick.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Learn from a pwBPD, ultimatums dont mean anything, thats why they throw them around. They have no more power, probably even less, than you do. They have no knowledge of proper boundaries only how to install fear.

You know whatever is getting under his skin is not what he is throwing at you. The more you try to address it the more substance it gains, distracting him from having to deal with the real issue.

[5xFive]

Thanks waverider.
I do know this, but in the thick of it, it’s so tough to remember. No more ultimatums today but the ‘episode’ (if you’ll allow me to call it that) is not over yet. He is still calling me a liar and a promise breaker, saying that I’m evil and he wishes I would just die already. Most of the time, I can deal using my skills and my own internal boundaries. But when stuff like that is said in front of the kids, well thats my trigger. It is NOT ok and more and more often as our son gets older, I find myself responding by yelling at him to stop yelling at me in front of the kids.
I’m not proud of this behavior, I try to stay calm, to validate and not jade. But I can’t handle my kids hearing some of the things he says. And especially when it makes S6 cry. One of my biggest fears is that my kids will grown up and perpetuate the cycle. That S6 will scream at his so, that d1 will think it’s ok to be screamed at! Or maybe I have that backwards. She’ll be screaming and he’ll be the one getting screamed at. Either way would suck. And I’m afraid it would be my fault.
I always think, if I can just do all of the things he asks all the time, he wouldn’t dysregulate and life would be peaceful. But there are so damn many things to think about all the time and sometimes I just can’t get it straight in my head. Don’t text, but he will text me 50, 60 times in a row and sometimes I freaking reply. If he hangs up, call him back. This one is easy to remember but sometimes I don’t WANT to. Never EVER hang up on him... Don’t criticize or judge (this one is super hard for me). Don’t say sorry. But sometimes he’ll get mad that I haven’t apologized. Don’t make commentary (I honesty have no idea what this one means). The list goes on and on and ... .
if I make a mistake, he doesn’t tell me. He pushes it down. And the next time and again until he BLOWS and then I’m getting screamed at for stuff that happened 2 weeks ago that I honestly have no memory of doing. Anyway, I’m sure everyone on these boards has been there. Just frustrating to feel on edge all the time.

[pearlsw]

Hi Monucka,

This sounds so difficult! After I read it I thought to review the lesson on Boundaries here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Another member wrote this:

VALUE: Compassion and respect are important in marriage

BOUNDARY: Spouses should not rage at, yell at or call names at each other

ACTION:  I will lead by example and thoughtfully consider my responses to unjust blame or criticism and express myself in a clear and calm way.  If I need to remind my spouse of my boundary verbally I will. If my spouse continues communicating in this unhealthy manner I will leave the room or home for a time so I can have distance from the destructive and abusive behavior.

And a staff member replied:

So your values are compassion and respect in marriage, and one boundary of that is to "not engage in name calling and yelling"  :)oing the right thing

I think many of us get caught in our own need to be right that we follow their lead into dysregulation... .leading to an escalation in the conflict... .

Being polite and not participating is possible... .

They may not like it, and may try to provoke you. This is why its important to know your long term values and beliefs, otherwise its too easy to fall back into old patterns of following their lead.

Do you know what is going on at work that he is feeling so anxious about?

wishing you well, pearlsw.

[5xFive]

Pearlsw,
Thank you so much for the reminder. Boundaries are truly difficult for me and when things are calm, I forget how important they are during dysregulation. I forget because, during the white phase, my boundaries are not tested and they are not pushed. I will review the lesson again, and try to remember the next time we cycle.
I do not know the details about what is happening at work. The fact that anything at all is going on was used as a weapon while he was angry. Something I should have known and reacted to before he ever said anything. Another reason for him to be angry with me.
Thank you again for your response.
M

[pearlsw]

Hi Monucka,

One thing I would suggest giving up is holding yourself accountable for predicting things. That is too much extra pressure on you! Sure, it's nice we can recognize patterns and head things off, but this isn't always possible, okay?
 Also, once the dysregulation has started I know how hard it is to think. I tend to slip into survival mode myself! I am also in another long white phase with him right now so I almost, almost start to think this kind of thing won't happen again and I am not ready for it.

All I would consider is, if he is in a frame of mind that can handle it, is there a way to offer support around the stress he is experiencing at work? Time to study up on validation and really practice. "I hear you feel XYZ". "That must be difficult, anyone would feel that way." I'm not so great at it myself so when anyone writes this stuff out here I know it is great for me and others to study and practice along with you!

Remember, it is okay for folks to be angry, it is not okay for them to yell or scare you or cause you to feel bad or make threats towards you. You don't have to stay around for his outbursts, okay? Do you have an option to leave? Have you ever tried this? I don't have anywhere to go outside and it's winter so that makes it even harder, but I can at least leave the room.

[5xFive]

It actually just occurred to me that I seem to have my own pattern that I follow when he dysregulates.
Day 1: jade jade jade. I get SO defensive when he starts attacking. I know better, but this is a skill that I constantly need to work on. I immediately go on the defense when I’m getting screamed at. Usually for something that is a complete surprise to me, or sometimes I don’t even know why I’m getting yelled at.
Day 2: argue. At this point I’m sick and tired of being told what a horrible person I am. No more justifications or explanations. No more defense. Just offense. Attack! Argue! Hurt him has much as he’s hurting me! Shame... .
Day 3: validation. Attempting empathy. This one is extremely hard for me. Often I don’t know what I should be validating and I say the wrong things and we go spinning again.
I know this is a bad cycle. I’m perpetuating the argument with invalidation and jadeing.
In response to my predicting things: I know I can’t. But when I’m able to see the pattern, I’m able to start validation early and I’m not surprised and defensive. It always seems worse when I’m surprised bc it IS worse. Bc I escalate rather than diffuse.
Boundaries. No. I have regular boundary fail. When I was working, I had a boundary about no calling or texting when he was dysregulating. I couldn’t focus on my work. He pushed that one till it broke every time. I lost my job. I’ve since spoken to my boss about it. A big part of it was a misunderstanding on his part, nothing to do with me. Another reason was my “home distractions” as he put it.
It hugely possible  that I haven’t figured out the magic wording to make sure uBPDh does not feel abandoned when I leave an argument, either text or on the phone or in person. He needs constant contact to feel like he’s loved. It’s hard and exhausting and a lot of work.
He feels like he’s made a lot of sacrifices in life and I’ve made none. I don’t agree. I agree that he’s made sacrifices. But he’s punished me for each and every one of them when he dysregulates. He uses them as an excuse for his own bad behavior.
Obviously I have some work to do. I need to revisit some skills. Thank you for reading and for your input!

[pearlsw]

Hi Monucka,

Wow! I really appreciate your honesty with revealing what you are doing on your side of things! This is not easy stuff and often counter-intuitive to all we think we know about relationships!

How might you want to re-envision these days while you have a clearer head about it all?

Oh I agree, sometimes we can predict, sometimes we can't! I just wanted to take a little of the weight off your shoulders so you don't unnecessarily beat yourself up - so to speak.  

I am impressed that you have been able to not call or text while he is dysregulating. I know that time sends me straight into panic mode - hoping to calm him to prevent a "real" breakup from happening. I am still pretty confused about this myself!

I hope others will join us here with their insight and input! I am just one person with my flaws and all - we have a whole community and a lot of empathy and support here. Thanks for sharing because it gives all of a chance to learn and improve!

Want to work on not JADE-ing first? What kinds of things does he say that makes you feel so defensive may I ask?

[5xFive]

Update:
I’ve tried to validate all day. But all day he’s said we’re over and he wants a divorce. He says he hates me and I’ve ruined his life. I finally got SICK of it and told him to just leave already. So he changed his tune. Now he’s telling me that he’s going to kill himself. That it’s my fault for ruining his life and being a truly despicable person, and he hopes I’m happy that I killed him. “Good job” he says. “You’ve killed me”.
Also:
“There is no point in living now. I lost everything to a heartless person. They’ll find me tomorrow. You think you’re hurt now? Wait until the fire department pulls me down and notifies you. HAVE A GREAT F*#%ing LIFE”
I’m so angry and hurt. I can’t possibly be this person that he thinks I am. Can I? He won’t get help. He won’t call a hotline. I’ve called the police before when he threatened this and he raged at me for a month after about how stupid I was. They took him in for a hold and released him in less than an hour. The dr said he was just stressed. He’s very high functioning everywhere but home.
I don’t want this to be my life anymore. I love my husband. I just want PEACE. Am I asking for too much?
I hate my life right now. I just hate it.

[5xFive]

I called his mom and asked her to call him. He got so mad at me for “involving” her. He’s no longer saying that he’s going to kill himself. Now he’s just saying that he’s leaving. He got his Christmas bonus today so he says he’s staying in a hotel tonight.
He blames me. Says I pushed him away and he’s leaving because of me. He hopes I’m happy that I ruined our family and I ruined our kids lives.
I’m distraught. But I’m relieved that he’s not still talking about suicide. I’m hoping that he just went to deposit his check and he will be home. He’s never spent the night elsewhere in 17 years.
He just texted me:

“I’ll come home, but I am not staying with you unless you sign a prenuptial and a legal agreement that if you violate the terms of that f$&*ing agreement you forfeit custody to the children”

And I have to write the document and get it notarized to make it legal.

This is the worst black phase I think I’ve ever dealt with. He’s never threatened my children before.

[ozmatoz]

Update:
 I just want PEACE. Am I asking for too much?
 

No, you are not asking too much.  I've longed for peace for a long time.  She says she'll offer it... .then follows it up with more verbal attacks.  If I want peace, I have to make it myself.  Then if she sees that I am at peace she must invade.  So frustrating.

best of luck,
-Oz

[5xFive]

Thanks oz.

He did come home. Then said after being home for a bit that he was never going to make me sign a document like that. But that he’s over me. He doesn’t want to be married anymore. He just wants a divorce.
Then he got mad at me that I didn’t offer to rub his neck.
    
      He has been suffering pain in his neck for a while. Something with his discs he says but idk what the dr said, he’s never been clear about that. He says his neck never hurt before we moved to our current state (we moved here bc I wanted to be closer to my family) and it’s another one of the things he has sacrificed for me. Lately he has been saying he’s losing feeling in his fingers and toes but he won’t go back to the dr. He says (when he dysregulates) that he’s giving up his health to give me the life that I wanted and that he’s never wanted.

So back to more anger. I didn’t offer to rub his neck when he got home. He got mad, yelled at me that he’s tired of having to always spell out what he needs and I’m not allowed to rub him NOW. I’m not his “after the fact”. Pearlsw, this is the kind of stuff I get defensive about. He gets mad about stuff that I just don’t know. Or he accuses me of doing things I haven’t done. And I go on the defense!
I feel so lost.

[5xFive]

And one more thing I forgot. He came home this morning right after he left. He grabbed his vyvanse (helps him focus but pcp doesn’t know about BPD since he’s undiagnosed) which is pretty much speed. He was raging at me about how he wouldn’t have to take it to function if we didn’t live here and it’s one more way I’ve ruined his life so he threw it across the room. I didn’t notice until this evening when we got home but the bottle and a couple of pills broke open on the floor. This is very very bad since we have a 1 yr old who puts everything in her mouth. And our entire house is a “yes” space for her so completely baby proofed. I often let her explore on her own. Thank goodness we were busy all day and she never went into the kitchen by herself! When I picked up the pills, I asked him if he knew how many were left in the bottle and showed him what I found. He FREAKED of course and screamed at me that if anything happened, he was going to kill me. Stab me in the neck with a knife. Because the only reason the pills are in the house is because he has to take them to live my life. I ignored him, validated his fear and went in the other room where S6 was sitting on the couch. S6 then told me he was terrified that Dad was going to kill me. Broke my heart. I soothed him and went to cook dinner.

Now uBPDh is on the couch watching a comedy. We ordered final Christmas gifts for the kids which put him in a great mood. He looks at me and says “let’s watch this comedy and be positive”

I feel like I’m losing my mind! Did it all happen or was it just a terribly bad dream?