Feeling guilty for going no contact

[epicdaydream]

For anyone that's followed me for the last few months I was in an abusive relationship but I did love her. After hundreds of attempts finally broke it off permanently because between the breakups I actually met someone really nice of course never told her but I wanted it to be fair to this new person I was sharing my time with so I had to seriously for the first time cut all contact. The last thing she told me was that she was sorry. I ended up leaving her voice message half crying choking up. And that was it. I wish I could have given her what she wanted and marriage and family and it would have never worked out. I did so much for her and got so little back and only at the end when she felt me leaving did she put a little attempt. I'm now talking to this new person who actually makes me smile and laugh and really kind but sometimes but I'm driving to work or I just lay down at night I can't help but think of her and how sorry I am hope this feeling of abandonment that I left her. It is the hardest thing I ever had to do and I just need someone to tell me it's okay that I didn't do anything wrong. I miss your face and our jokes but I don't Miss the hitting or verbal abuse or just feeling like I'm not good enough I haven't felt that way since I left. It's been 2 weeks now the longest we have been away since we were together for 3 years. I just want to tell her I'm sorry I'm sorry I couldn't help her and I'm sorry I had to walk away, sweetheart. She kept on telling me we needed to try again maybe go on a vacation I just told her no. She told me I could hold her phone and to prove to me that she wasn't doing anything wrong and I told her no. And then she hugged me and said she love me and I could hardly find the words to say it back because of all the pain that I've been through and all the sadness. I hope she finds happiness even without me I want that more than anything. She'll never know how much she meant to me.

[Inside]

I also did 3 years, just short of physical abusive, the emotional abuse was devastating.  I was viewed by my X-BP partner as vulnerable.  She assumed I was damaged enough by current events to either excuse or ignore her abuse.  For the most part, she was right.  After seven recycles within those 3 years, along with my gradual recovery from a long term marriage/ divorce, I pulled away for good from the BP (borderline personality/person).  

A caregiver by nature, I suspect many around here are.  We tend to put the needs of others before our own.  pwBPD are likely drawn to us like a magnet, then drain us…  They know the buttons to push, both for entertainment and protection, we appear helpless.  Having abused us, they lose respect for us.  But, most importantly, if they attempt to further the r/s, they can’t.  They cannot progress or sustain a commitment beyond infatuation.  Some realize this, as mine did from years of experience, the rest grope for excuses, generally projecting their inabilities on us.  And we take it.  

Sounds like you’ve taken enough!  Yes, their effect on us is like a drug, a serious life-threatening drug ... .one whose desire for another hit may always haunt us…  That’s when we need to force ourselves to remember the equal, if not majority of bad times.

If you’ve found someone nice, good, now’s your chance!  Keep in mind, ‘nice’ may appear to be moving at a snail’s pace in comparison to not nice…  But that’s good, it’s an indicator that ‘nice’ is capable of deeper, long lasting love.  Not-nice, isn’t.  Nice is serious, not-nice is reckless -- and reckless is dangerous, where nice is a partner.  

No apologies necessary - move forward, sounds like nice is waiting  

[epicdaydream]

You made me cry. Beautiful words. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me heal. Thank you.

C

I also did 3 years, just short of physical abusive, the emotional abuse was devastating.  I was viewed by my X-BP partner as vulnerable.  She assumed I was damaged enough by current events to either excuse or ignore her abuse.  For the most part, she was right.  After seven recycles within those 3 years, along with my gradual recovery from a long term marriage/ divorce, I pulled away for good from the BP (borderline personality/person).  

A caregiver by nature, I suspect many around here are.  We tend to put the needs of others before our own.  pwBPD are likely drawn to us like a magnet, then drain us…  They know the buttons to push, both for entertainment and protection, we appear helpless.  Having abused us, they lose respect for us.  But, most importantly, if they attempt to further the r/s, they can’t.  They cannot progress or sustain a commitment beyond infatuation.  Some realize this, as mine did from years of experience, the rest grope for excuses, generally projecting their inabilities on us.  And we take it.  

Sounds like you’ve taken enough!  Yes, their effect on us is like a drug, a serious life-threatening drug ... .one whose desire for another hit may always haunt us…  That’s when we need to force ourselves to remember the equal, if not majority of bad times.

If you’ve found someone nice, good, now’s your chance!  Keep in mind, ‘nice’ may appear to be moving at a snail’s pace in comparison to not nice…  But that’s good, it’s an indicator that ‘nice’ is capable of deeper, long lasting love.  Not-nice, isn’t.  Nice is serious, not-nice is reckless -- and reckless is dangerous, where nice is a partner.  

No apologies necessary - move forward, sounds like nice is waiting  

[Ragnarok4]

They cannot progress or sustain a commitment beyond infatuation.  Some realize this, as mine did from years of experience, the rest grope for excuses, generally projecting their inabilities on us.  And we take it.  

Very well said!