Hullo inter, I'm sorry that you are still suffering.
We suffer when we cling to what we crave.
It often resembles a compulsion.
We rationalize those compulsions by creating dreamscape outcomes in our minds.
However, those compulsions while feeling real are illusory.
For it prevents us from radically accepting the behavioral truths of another and clearly perceiving their beings.
Here, the professed empathy that you feel for her is the rationalization motivating the desire to send a poem.
But is it really... ?
Because, the empirical evidence of her behavior stands before you--yet you choose to not process it. Due to it feeling unfathomable that she could treat you in such dismissive unfeeling ways.
However, it is not only possible. It is truth.
She does not care one iota whether you understand her pain or want her to get better.
She will consider your poem patronizing and unappealing. She will dislike you even further.
The poem is about your feelings--a desire to commune with her.
That is a compulsion born from feelings which have not been mastered and are still in disarray.
That is why this board exists. To learn how to meaningfully detach.
However, the outcome from sending that poem is foreseeable. Causing further suffering. Maybe even subjecting yourself to abuse.
It will neither entice her nor soothe your soul. After the high, and excited feelings wear off, after the sending... . suffering will inevitably set in.
We can grow extremely close, fall in love, and make a life with another, yet we do not carry the burden of being the clockmaker. It is neither our obligation nor responsibility to sort out the highly unsortable.
Relationships occur containing experiences that are beyond our emotional limits. They are enigmas, often with components of abuse that leave deeply rooted scars.
Though there is grace in letting go. She does not define your essence. Nothing she said or did in the relationship is necessarily a reflection on your individual worth. A disordered swirling storm does not bring sustained peace. The moments of calm found in the eye always pass. As generational patterns without synthesis (healing) flow on through space and time--leaving a nice person such as yourself shell-shocked gasping for relief.
Sending that poem will cause further suffering.
External attachments (romantic) are only a portion of what we celebrate about life. Lovers and relationships come and go. That is ok too. What's not ok is permitting another to divorce you from your essential being. Which is never solely dependent upon the vagaries of another's disposition or personality traits.
For the truth of our lives, the universe and everything is that all things change (even pwBPD though in geologic time
). I wish you peace.
