The burden

[Lemontop]

Hi, this is the first time I have ever posted before anywhere in fact online. I am posting here because my eldest daughter has BPD. She is currently not living with us, she is in a treatment clinic and has been for a month. The run up to her being there was a frightful and emotionally turbulent rollercoaster, fire fighting every hour of every day with no real result, as we have been doing to try and help her through this for the last 7 years. We have been to hell and back and back and back and back again and so it would seem that is where we will always remain. Now the calm, as she is residing in this clinic, with the occasional ripple of bad news of course, (our lives wouldn't be our lives it there weren't at the very least, the ripples). But mainly calm, and with that comes reflection over the past few months which have largely been spent walking on a tight rope in a gale force wind. She has just been sectioned in the clinic, again, for her own safety, and her lack of shall we say, 'umph' to DO something about this is strikingly painful. She seems not to want to be helped, though the help is right where she is.

I could say so much here about her but then you will all know what a BPD is like and therefore I guess I really ought to be asking some important questions, like, how do you cope? What are my options? Where did I go wrong? What more could/should I be doing? Where do you draw the lines? When do you say enough is enough and I want to smile again without guilt? Are there BPD's who want to be helped and BPD's who don't? And if so how do you identify and treat each category? Any help and guidance would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

I could say so much here about her but then you will all know what a BPD is like and therefore I guess I really ought to be asking some important questions, like, how do you cope?

I try to laugh, at least once a day.  About this, or something else.  And, yes, that may be a bit black humor, or gallows humor, like whistling past the graveyard, but there is humor here.

Also, I post here to know I am not alone. 

You aren't either.

What are my options?

As far as what?

Where did I go wrong?

You didn't.  You were sucked into this black hole of BPD without your consent.

What more could/should I be doing?

Again, as a far as what?

Where do you draw the lines?

Again.  Same answer.  Need some more specifics.  Which lines?

When do you say enough is enough and I want to smile again without guilt?

Whenever it suits you.  You've earned the right to smile.  We all have.

Are there BPD's who want to be helped and BPD's who don't?

Absolutely.

And if so how do you identify and treat each category?

In my case, we're working through that very expensive question.


I'm not trying to be short or flippant, here, but I've learned to get good advice from people here (and there is a TON of good advice here), you have to ask questions that are pretty specific.

You're welcome here, and you are not alone.  All of our experiences with BPD are different, but a lot of our experiences fall into a similar category.

-jyw

 

[Huat]

Well, hello there Lemontop!  Glad you found us.

Sure is a busy time of year on this forum... .hi-lites the fact that not everyone enjoys a "Hallmark" Christmas for one reason or another... .and our reason being the path down which we are walking with our troubled children.

I have been posting/sharing/responding on this board for about 2 years now.  I am not the person I was when I first put my fingers on the keyboard and poured out my heart... .told of my hurts.  It has been a soul-searching and enriching learning curve for me.  I have found comfort in knowing that I am not alone.  I have found the strength to carry on... .do what I have to do to make changes.

You ask the same questions of yourself that the rest of us have done (do) at one time or another.  JustYouWait's response to you is a good one. 

We, as parents, should not carry the fruitless, time-consuming burden of guilt.  We did the best we could... .when we knew better, we did better... .and we will continue to do so.  Remember, too, nurturing is only one aspect in the development of a child.  Each child is born with their own unique nature and each is subjected to their own life experiences.

Life is going to unfold as life is going to unfold.  Along the way it is important to do our homework (lots of info on this website to help work towards finding answers) but it is just as important to learn to look after ourselves.   

JustYouWait writes... ."I try to laugh at least once a day."  What a great way to release stress... .a little boost of extra oxygen that enables you to better face what comes your way.  Of course, that takes work but, as the saying goes, practice makes perfect.

Hope to hear more from you, Lemontop.  Your posts are read and what you write can help others as they journey.

Huat