Hello there, Im sorry for what you are going through. I've been in similar situations throughout my relationship with my ex, you need to ask yourself whether you really want her back and if you are ready to wait for her to get back to the right mindset.
Honestly this will be going on for the rest of your life and you need to understand and agree to getting your heart broken over and over again. The best decision for you is to keep moving forward, keep yourself busy, improve yourself. I've joined the gym and this helps me a lot. All the anger can be channeled into a positive mindset. Instead of thinking what could've been think of what can be done to improve your life for the future. Stop thinking about her positives and focus on the negatives that your ex has put you through to power through whats left of your feelings for her. Try to understand that there is no point reaching out to her, unless she starts to miss you or is being treated badly by someone else she'll come back crying but only for this whole mess to happen again. If she really loved you she wouldn't have left in the first place. I urge you to be more social and get back to your friends and hangout more. Keep doing things to keep yourself busy, trust me it gets better with time. Its my exs birthday today and I fought the urge to text her
To be honest I'm OK in terms of getting out there and social etc. I'm just so so so conflicted. She has been cruel and cold to me this year and I dislike her for that. But she was a friendly face to me for so many years and I'm fond of her for that. And now I'm sure it's BPD I find myself excusing her and clinging to hope that she'll seek treatment (there's no evidence she will). Mix in the fact that she genuinely shares my interests and humour (I'm sure she did mirror also but there was plenty that was real). Ultimately part of me just wanted us to get to a point where we could see other in the street and not have to cross the road to avoid each other, I hate having enemies.
Her message yesterday was both friendly and emotionally detached at the same time. (I could imagine a robot dalek voice as I read it: "I am happy you are well". "I am happy you have had time to reflect but... .".) I suspected it was a gaslighting ploy so when she was mean again it would hurt more, but I really should have worded my response better. At one point yesterday she claimed an issue which we had a blazing relationship ending row about was "none of her business and not her problem". I wish that was her attitude 8 months ago, again I'd call it gaslighting... .but maybe she really believes it as shes saying it?
