There is only one emotion to have right now - anger. Revel in it.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

hi everyone

This is my first foray into the 'learning' category, and this might be a tad too soon to be crowing about what I have learned, but I did want to add some thoughts.

I'll spare you the details of my r/s with a pwBPD, except to say that the r/c was brief (less than two months), and I have no expectation that she will ever contact me again.

I can't believe how much better today has been. I think the past two days might have been the worst, I was breathless in anxiety and grief. I am still completely messed up, but I noticed a slight shift. I could feel my sorrow and guilt slowly fading as I became bitter and angry at what this creature did to me.

I was caught in a cycle previously, i went from utter grief, and loss, and I kept blaming myself--'it was my fault', 'if i could only show her how much i care', 'she needs me to save her'. and now it almost seems like i had brainwashed my self. Actually, Stockholm Syndrome might be a better description.

Not that today has been night/day from the previous days, i still can get choked up. My brain still likes to poke the sad-button. But, the instances of this went from constant to intermittent. And the idea that things might work out between my ex and I has finally been challenged by my rational brain. Things will never work out.

Now... .lessons... .

I do NOT mean for this to be upsetting to anyone. Please, know that. This is, i hope, helpful for those struggling in a relationship and unsure what to do.

I had asked (as well as others) whether or not the length of time impacted one's devastation after break-up. I think it does now. Before i foolishly tried to win her back last week, she had crushed me into dust about two weeks ago. That, to me, was when the relationship was truly over, and i was holding on to hope and i think she was stringing me along for whatever sick reason. In that time, the past two weeks, I have gone through an immense amount of pain. Absolute the worst break-up i have ever had (and i went through a divorce, after a 12 year r/s). Anyway, i was destroyed to the core. A stranger could tell by looking at my face that i was a shell of a man.

But it has gotten better. And I wonder if that is because it was so short. We hadn't integrated our lives. We weren't financially nor legally linked. We didn't have mutual friends and most of our relationship was in my house/bedroom. The initial loss of the constant interaction was like I lost an appendage. But it has eased a lot. I wonder if that is because I was able to get out before memories are stored long term, before habits become solidified and before we had fully ingrained in each others lives.

It is highly possible that I will wake up tomorrow sobbing and wonder if I need to write her to try to get her back. But, today, right now, I have strength. I'll be honest, I was holding on to some of the things that were connected to her (note: NOT her stuff, but the xmas gifts i was going to give her, bday presents she bought me, etc). Today, I threw everything away. Yesterday, in a moment of panic I unblocked her from all my social media and phone/text. Today, I blocked everything. It felt so good. It felt like I was gaining power over the situation.

I can only say with great care for everyone here, get out ASAP. My lesson is that if you know you are with a pwBPD get out as soon as possible. It will never get better and the longer you are in the longer you will be haunted. And for the love of god and all that is good: NEVER GO BACK

[Shoct]

hi everyone

This is my first foray into the 'learning' category, and this might be a tad too soon to be crowing about what I have learned, but I did want to add some thoughts.

I'll spare you the details of my r/s with a pwBPD, except to say that the r/c was brief (less than two months), and I have no expectation that she will ever contact me again.

I can't believe how much better today has been. I think the past two days might have been the worst, I was breathless in anxiety and grief. I am still completely messed up, but I noticed a slight shift. I could feel my sorrow and guilt slowly fading as I became bitter and angry at what this creature did to me.

I was caught in a cycle previously, i went from utter grief, and loss, and I kept blaming myself--'it was my fault', 'if i could only show her how much i care', 'she needs me to save her'. and now it almost seems like i had brainwashed my self. Actually, Stockholm Syndrome might be a better description.

Not that today has been night/day from the previous days, i still can get choked up. My brain still likes to poke the sad-button. But, the instances of this went from constant to intermittent. And the idea that things might work out between my ex and I has finally been challenged by my rational brain. Things will never work out.

Now... .lessons... .

I do NOT mean for this to be upsetting to anyone. Please, know that. This is, i hope, helpful for those struggling in a relationship and unsure what to do.

I had asked (as well as others) whether or not the length of time impacted one's devastation after break-up. I think it does now. Before i foolishly tried to win her back last week, she had crushed me into dust about two weeks ago. That, to me, was when the relationship was truly over, and i was holding on to hope and i think she was stringing me along for whatever sick reason. In that time, the past two weeks, I have gone through an immense amount of pain. Absolute the worst break-up i have ever had (and i went through a divorce, after a 12 year r/s). Anyway, i was destroyed to the core. A stranger could tell by looking at my face that i was a shell of a man.

But it has gotten better. And I wonder if that is because it was so short. We hadn't integrated our lives. We weren't financially nor legally linked. We didn't have mutual friends and most of our relationship was in my house/bedroom. The initial loss of the constant interaction was like I lost an appendage. But it has eased a lot. I wonder if that is because I was able to get out before memories are stored long term, before habits become solidified and before we had fully ingrained in each others lives.

It is highly possible that I will wake up tomorrow sobbing and wonder if I need to write her to try to get her back. But, today, right now, I have strength. I'll be honest, I was holding on to some of the things that were connected to her (note: NOT her stuff, but the xmas gifts i was going to give her, bday presents she bought me, etc). Today, I threw everything away. Yesterday, in a moment of panic I unblocked her from all my social media and phone/text. Today, I blocked everything. It felt so good. It felt like I was gaining power over the situation.

I can only say with great care for everyone here, get out ASAP. My lesson is that if you know you are with a pwBPD get out as soon as possible. It will never get better and the longer you are in the longer you will be haunted. And for the love of god and all that is good: NEVER GO BACK

[Shoct]

i read this numerous times... .maybe someone else needs this right now to break from the grief:

www.sexloveandwar.blogspot.com/2010/12/BPD-just-dumped-me-what-do-i-do.html

[ynwa]

Hi There Shoct.    It cannot be easy to express yourself so honestly.  And I want to thank you for that.

They say sometimes "too much" information is a bad thing.  But I want to say also, well done for trying to learn and help yourself through this.   I am sure you have more questions than answers right?  And Grief, which is real no matter HOW LONG you were with this person is REAL.  However moving through it is not a straight line.  You will move back and forth, in cycles, asking questions, searching for answers, and feeling like the pieces just do not fit.

So.  be easy with those feelings, accept that some will feel so heavy you cant handle them.  See that you can while they move on, and take a breath.  Make time to be there for yourself and to surround yourself with support.

Simply put, hang in there.

and last,   What do you think YOU should do now that your relationship has ended?

[gotbushels]

Hi Shoct  

This is my first foray into the 'learning' category, and this might be a tad too soon to be crowing about what I have learned, but I did want to add some thoughts.

Sometimes learning doesn't happen automatically, and I think learning is a step in the right direction in recovery. Keep it up  

I'll spare you the details of my r/s with a pwBPD, except to say that the r/c was brief (less than two months), and I have no expectation that she will ever contact me again.

Sometimes relationships with a pwBPD can be intense and rushed. You're not alone--I felt that my upwBPD ex and I had a very intense and fast first few weeks in.

I can't believe how much better today has been. I think the past two days might have been the worst, I was breathless in anxiety and grief. I am still completely messed up, but I noticed a slight shift. I could feel my sorrow and guilt slowly fading as I became bitter and angry at what this creature did to me.

It's good to see that your day has been better. While you do mention there's anger and bitterness there--it's good that it appears you're trying to process it.

... .she had crushed me into dust about two weeks ago. ... .In that time, the past two weeks, I have gone through an immense amount of pain. Absolute the worst break-up i have ever had (and i went through a divorce, after a 12 year r/s). Anyway, i was destroyed to the core. A stranger could tell by looking at my face that i was a shell of a man.

Hey, Shoct--that's a lot of suffering. You're definitely not alone here. Sometimes these breakups feel like we no longer exist--we go through so much pain that when it's quiet, it feels numb like an ice-pack was applied to a painful burn. For me, that's what it felt like--mixed in with a heady dose of emotional exhaustion. These relationships, hard-fast-short, can burn out our attention in a day like doing a sprint.

But it has gotten better. And I wonder if that is because it was so short. We hadn't integrated our lives. ... .The initial loss of the constant interaction was like I lost an appendage. ... .

Yes--what you've described here is something close to the thinking of the experience of many nons when coming away from the intimate relationship. Being merged is a typical state of the two partners, and when separation happens, it may feel like losing a limb.

It is highly possible that I will wake up tomorrow sobbing and wonder if I need to write her to try to get her back. But, today, right now, I have strength. ... .

Yes, you might choose to pursue her again the following day, but I think what's important for you is that you can see you've got strength to get some clarity as to what you want.  

I hope you find peace.

[Skip]

i read this numerous times... .maybe someone else needs this right now to break from the grief:

www.sexloveandwar.blogspot.com/2010/12/BPD-just-dumped-me-what-do-i-do.html

My dear friend your significant other has just declared war on you. Wake up right now! You are at war!

There is only one emotion you need to have right now and that is anger. Revel in it. Harness it. Hold yourself together with it. I mean it, because if you don't... .

Shoct, this is an advanced board, and hopefully it will not be offensive to give an advanced answer. I know you are early into this. We are all here to help on another.

While it sounds empowering to recast a relationship breakup as a declaration of war,  statements like this more about burying our emotional pain behind something that feels more empowering, less vulnerable. If your initial reaction to the breakup is anger, that's normal. Rejection hurts and we do a lot of things in the early days to cushion the fall. Its important to see it for what it is.

When you get turned down by a college... .is it war. When you get turned down on a job application... .war?  When your girlfriend walks way... .war?  Silly idea.

I think the real feelings are disappointment, hurt, devaluing ourselves, vulnerability, loneliness. These hurt. Just as anger comes to us in the beginning. It is also important to let these other painful emotions show through - to feel them - to get them out of our system. Don't run from it - it will hurt you in the long run.

Other things you need to know:

1. This has nothing to do with you. They are sick and you cannot help them.
2. This is the greatest day of your life. You just don't know it yet.
3. You are much stronger then they are in every way.
4. Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win.
5. In my experience with 3 BPDs. None have kept a relationship. They left a trail of train wrecks.
6. The new guy is going to suffer this too. Guaranteed.
7. This has nothing to do with your money, physical appearance or personality.
8. Don't try to understand mental illness.
9. You are going to look back and thank God this happened some day. Guaranteed.
10. You didn't do anything wrong.
11. You used to love being single before. You will again.
12. Your real soul mate is still searching for you and they are awesome.
13. I love you man... .
14. You will heal. They will not.
15. If you feel the need to help. Donate your time and money to abused children.
16. Adults are responsible for there actions. Child molesters were victims too once.
17. You are going to win this war. You already did.
18. Deep down they know they're not good enough for you.
19. Be proud of yourself. Honesty, truthfulness and loyalty are to be admired.
20. No contact is the key to healing now.
21. You just unloaded a huge problem on some sucker... .FACT.
22. YOUR MISSION NOW IS TO GET BACK TO YOU.

What is the message here? "This is the greatest day of your life." I have a lot of thoughts about my past romances. I don't think in any relationship that ended (either by me or by my partner), I would characterize the end as the "greatest day in my life".

What is the message here?  "Even if you've humiliated yourself. They still can't win." This blogger wants you to find peace in the fact that you are better than your ex, her future boyfriends, and her parakeet. Is this how life works?  When relationships end, is it a competition and one party wins in life, the other loses and we should feel better because we believe that they will struggle in life and we wont?

What is the message here? "In my experience with 3 BPDs."  

Hang in there. This is going to hurt and be shaky. From an evolutionary point of view, the reason we struggle and hurt is so that we can learn something and adapt and change going forward.

Seize that.  

[Shoct]

Hi Skip,

Thank you for your post. I understand what you are saying... .and yesterday was a good day, today not so much.

I know that 'anger' and war declarations are probably not a healthy way to be, but yesterday they really seemed to help. And while it may seem like anger was my initial response, it wasn't. This is recent, but I grieved so much. The grief was the black pit, and anger seemed to at least help--however unhealthy.

As today went on and I could feel the 'good' of yesterday fading I can only guess that what really made yesterday better was the feeling of taking back power--as far as re-blocking accounts, etc. And now that there is nothing left to do I'm back to the empty feeling. I have my fist T appt at the end of the week, and I'm not sure what to expect.

I found that link helpful when I was beating myself up and really considering trying to contact my ex. I am learning my own faults through this torment, and trying to face them head on (trying). One of the biggest is empathy. I tend to put everyone else first. And i kept going back to the idea that what i thought was real was real and that i can help her. And that link/blogger was like a friendly slap in the face.

I'm not trying to argue that that is good, or healthy, or the right way to handle this. But it helped when I was about as low as i could be, however fleeting.

Which seems like your point: we have to process everything, and not try to fast forward through the feelings.

Thank you again, and thank you for the site.

[Shoct]

Hi gotbushels,

Thank you for taking the time to go through my post and comment. As I wrote to Skip, today has been a slight backslide. While I don't feel as frantic as over the weekend, it is hard because I had hoped to be much more productive today.

And you're right, in pointing out that i referenced a good day and, oddly, included bitterness and anger as part of that. I am little sorry I posted all of this stuff, as I feel silly now. I am all over the map emotionally and the thought that i could post 'lessons' now seems embarrassingly premature.

I appreciate your post, and support. and I hope that you are further down the path than i in processing all of this stuff.

[Shoct]

that was a nice post, thank you ynwa

So very true... .I am feeling the nonlinear aspect of this process quite directly now.

I have actually been in a similar situation previously. Why my recent ex told me that she was diagnosed BPD, I dated a lady about 3 years ago that I think was NPD. She had all the classic narc traits, but that is just my assessment. That was my first introduction to NC. Which, admittedly, I didn't do very well at. Its not NC if you simply wait to contact. So I kept falling into the trap. I would reach out, she would appear interested, we'd get together, and then she'd leave again. Repeated numerous times over a year.

So, in some ways NC is more of a path i am familiar with. But, to your question, i can't deny that there's something about me that let this happen.

I know that i have issues letting my identity get lost as i try to please and that i have a lot of issues surrounding my own childhood and health condition. I am seeing a T soon, and i want to get back into meditation. From what I have read, I am the type (as i have no have 2 examples) that might be the one that sees red flags but pushes on through when others would simply not be interested. I am not a spring chicken, I hope that i can figure out how to move past this.

Thank you again for your post and kind words

[ynwa]

Hi Shoct,    I also read the link you posted and I definitely see the issues that Skip mentioned too. 

You are doing nothing wrong in feeling the way you do, and trying to work it out in your own way.   Accepting that a lot of it was not your fault, is hard.  But it more than likely was out of your control.   

Most of us have "traits".  We all have pieces of those descriptions.  As I have moved through the process, I try to avoid the labels, because this is all emotions. And emotions flow too much to be one thing for very long.

You are again doing the right thing in learning, and working through it.  I am sorry you had to go through this, but the good news is you are GOING through it, and not staying in it right?

[Shoct]

honestly ynwa, in hindsight I regret posting that link--I didn't mean to undermine anything dedicated to helping others like us. I read it (more than once) and it resonated with me, and it eased my sorrow (admittedly temporarily) and I wanted to share.

But, I need to embrace my neophyte-ism, and that I might not be the best candidate to start suggesting links to others. I'm just reacting to stuff now, not exactly using my higher cognitive reasoning. I'm going to hold off posting more than my own thoughts/experiences until further notice

And thank you, just reading everyone's posts and realizing more and more that this is mainly about me, or mostly. Or something.

As far as me being in/out, i'm out. I've not initiated any contact since i sent my last email (meaning i meant it to be my last). I hope to be able to keep saying that. I really have no expectations for her to try to ever contact me again. And I'm not sure how i feel about that.

[ynwa]

Hey Shoct,  do not regret it.  Being aware of boundaries both for yourself and others is important.  There is really no "right" way to work through this process or any emotional path.

On this board, it is gently taught to not tell people WHAT to do directly.  People often make suggestions or give examples from experience.  Obviously, you are not one to lead with your anger.  That blog has some very good points, but it does come from a place of anger, which is that persons choice. And as you can see the posts taper off, more than likely as his did right?  That blog was his way of working it out.  A journal of his feelings and thoughts.

That is why this board works for so many people.  You can see just how many topics and directions it takes.

And you hit on something that is very important.  The learning or accepting that BPD affects our "others".  That it is slightly invisible and not obvious.   But we learn that it is about them to deal with it, and for us to deal with ourselves.   There are threads of people who stay together and work through it, and then the opposite.

[gotbushels]

Shoct--no worries. 

... .today has been a slight backslide.
... .i referenced a good day and, oddly, included bitterness and anger as part of that.

Oddly yes. If you're coming away from the relationship--as Skip said, anger is quite an expected initial reaction to breakups. It varies from person to person as we've all got different experiences and bring different things to the relationship.

I am all over the map emotionally and the thought that i could post 'lessons' now seems embarrassingly premature.

Part of what I can see in your post here is processing amongst the various advices. You went through a lot of pain--like getting stung by something, it will add to what you may not want to do later. You did bring up things like being meshed with another person, you can use that to see why it happened. You seemed so repelled by the relationship in your advice to others to walk away, if it's meaningful to you, you can explore why it was so painful that you want to help others to get out of their relationships.

One step at a time. 


Which stage of detachment do you see yourself at the moment?