Thinking of breaking NC and my reason why

[Idsrvt2]

So I posted the other day about how my mail was being suddenly delivered to my inside box... .well I was thinking of contacting him anyway ... .so I got a msg from the site we were on together and log in... .

What do I see he is posting a question once again to the group asking about something he should know the answer to... .the wording is odd too... .it's like he just threw it up there.


Last  time he posted to that group was when he announced he was rejoining the scene ... .that was when we were in forced NC because of his false RO and mine against him.

I just find thebtiming of this odd... .last year at this time we were planning our first date ... .
Technically he has me blocked but I can still view group posts ... .
coincidence or is this all him baiting me ... .   
I guess what I'm looking for is closure... .like why did he get that RO on me ... .when he said he was not... .and now he's just going to do the same to some other pore soul

[Mutt]

Hi ldsrvt2,

This is how I interpret RO’s or threats of RO’s with some pwBPD I don’t want to use a blanket statement. That being said, we become a source of shame and the sight or sound from us is a painful reminder of how dysfunctional that the person really is. Wouldn’t an RO push their source of shame away from them?

I can understand why you would worry about the people that are a part of his life. Don’t put all of this on your back, you’re not responsible for others, my advice don’t worry about your ex or others focus on the here and now and take really good care of yourself.

[Idsrvt2]

Hey mutt, well I found out more... a friend did a google search and found a blog and on it was him posting at 455am back in feb... .the date was very familiar as it was one of many arguments where he wanted to just be alone on a Friday nite... .
The post basically said some guy asked him to be his submissive... .my x was into bdsm.   
This was a kick to me... .so this was never my fault... .the RO was to get me away so he could go off with his new online boyfriend.
He once told me that he would never cheat on me with a guy as that would ruin me.
We broke up because he wouldn't leave second life.

I'm going to take a warm shower ... .I've googled his names many times and never saw that post... .  would have helped me heal months ago.

So he can keep trying to be nice with my mail etc

He never feared me... .all lies
He was just a cheat

Hi ldsrvt2,

This is how I interpret RO’s or threats of RO’s with some pwBPD I don’t want to use a blanket statement. That being said, we become a source of shame and the sight or sound from us is a painful reminder of how dysfunctional that the person really is. Wouldn’t an RO push their source of shame away from them?

I can understand why you would worry about the people that are a part of his life. Don’t put all of this on your back, you’re not responsible for others, my advice don’t worry about your ex or others focus on the here and now and take really good care of yourself.

[Idsrvt2]

Will I break NC now that I have this new evidence that he cheated ... .I just don't know... .it's a terrible feeling

Part of me wants to say well I wish u well... .I now know the truth and it has set me free.  I no longer blame myself as I lay here in bad health... .sick.   I hope you found all u were looking for. 

To now know this was not me is a shock... .

Also a lesson I was vulnerable going thru a rough patch, I focused on him too much... .I didn't even have his email address, his second life name etc. 

He chose and online boyfriend

[JWebb88]

Will I break NC now that I have this new evidence that he cheated ... .I just don't know... .it's a terrible feeling

Part of me wants to say well I wish u well... .I now know the truth and it has set me free.  I no longer blame myself as I lay here in bad health... .sick.   I hope you found all u were looking for. 

To now know this was not me is a shock... .

Also a lesson I was vulnerable going thru a rough patch, I focused on him too much... .I didn't even have his email address, his second life name etc. 

He chose and online boyfriend

I know exactly how you feel. I was with my ex for 2 1/2 years. He strung me along 10 months post break up and guess what? His new gf was pregnant for most of our correspondence. He cheated, lied, and manipulated me after I jumped through numerous hoops to put his insecurities at ease. I lost a child with this man. I supported him emotionally when I myself was drowning. Even now I continue to miss him despite his past transgressions, but I no longer intend to waste my time running in circles for him anymore.

It is more than understandable that you wish to confront him about his infidelity, however, he will most likely not own up to anything. He will lie and gaslight you. He'll also shift the blame onto you for his poor actions. Those with BPD and narcissism do not think or view the world as you or I do. Their actions are fueled by filling an empty void inside themselves. Unless these individuals pursue therapy and become more self-aware, they will never change. As a result of this, all of their relationships will eventually fail.

Sadly, your ex and mine were not emotionally mature enough to handle the love we gave them. The same is going to be true for their new partners as well. Even sadder? These partners may be just as volatile as they are (my ex's baby momma certainly is) since they'll gravitate towards anyone that grants them attention. Either way, the same volatile as well as manipulative behavior shall present itself. These new partners may be on a pedestal now, but soon they'll face devaluation themselves. Such cycles always continue.

The best thing you can do for yourself is remain silent. Keep pursuing no contact. You deserve better than an emotionally exhausting and abusive relationship. Your ex has eroded the trust that was between you two. He has treated you without any respect or compassion, so let him go. As much as our hearts continue to carry these men in them, you and I need to heal ourselves. We must move on.

If the urge to write him becomes too great then write everything you would have said to him in a journal. Do not send it to him. Write it for yourself. I've done this numerous times and it's proven therapeutic. Also post on the boards here as well. Doing so will be far better for your mental health than trying to open the door to someone who does nothing but hurt you. 

[Idsrvt2]

Thanks for your reply I really appreciate it.  I know your are correct in all that you wrote.  It is just so difficult lately... .I think this seasonal job I'm doing is a trigger ... .because last year at this time he was in my life and after I was done with work he would come over and we would go out or he would call and see how my day ent etc.
it's like my mind has forgotten all the bad things
Like him breaking up with me via text out of the blue when we had plans that nite because he was anxious because he kept hurting me and was being like his father.
Or the oddness about how he slept on the floor and not a bed
How he dropped me home early that nite that caused the breakup
Him commenting about a female neighbors car on the way home from our nites out.  I once asked if he was ever involved with her and he claimed no... but way back he told me she and wn older neighbor weren't to be trusted... .he really seemed to hate the older neighbor.   
I almost asked that girl a few times if she was ever involved with him but feared it getting back to him... .nowmits to cold outside... .but given what I found out I may ask her. He would say eh invited him inside and she tried to run him over .

Like you said you were drowning... .that's what happened to me as well... .I was so busy helping him and making sure he was ok after he came to me and told me he had mental health issues going on

My big mistake was texting him ... I shouldn't have reacted like that ... .it just sux.

I saw him again today walking by... .my dad was over yo change my car battery ... he just walks on by as if I never existed ...

I did compose something to him, but have not sent it... .  I doubt he would reply anyway ... .especially after he took out that false RO ... he couldn't just let me go in peace and have closure... .although during the relationship after each breakup he would give me closure
It's as if my mind wants to know why he got the RO. ... it's just terrible to find out I was being cheated on so far after the fact.
Probably why he was always anxious to get me out of the house had nothing to do with anxiety but probably everything to do with his online life.

Some days I wake up and just want to msg him the msg ... .or post a reply to his public post.    I just wish I could forget him

The best thing you can do for yourself is remain silent. Keep pursuing no contact. You deserve better than an emotionally exhausting and abusive relationship. Your ex has eroded the trust that was between you two. He has treated you without any respect or compassion, so let him go. As much as our hearts continue to carry these men in them, you and I need to heal ourselves. We must move on.

If the urge to write him becomes too great then write everything you would have said to him in a journal. Do not send it to him. Write it for yourself. I've done this numerous times and it's proven therapeutic. Also post on the boards here as well. Doing so will be far better for your mental health than trying to open the door to someone who does nothing but hurt you.