Can’t move on with my life after a break up with BPD gf

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the lenght of my email.
Me (30) and my ex girlfriend (24) have been dating for three years.
However, three months ago, I have broke up (this time for good) with her.
At the beginning things were great. We were so in love and we enjoyed eachothers company. Things started going downhill as soon as she told her father about me. He went completely nuts and told her that she should broke up with me immediatelly. He told her that I’m a bump, and that she can do so much better than me. Btw, I’m a Doctor. Nevermind, she told me what he told her and I’ve said that we should wait for a while and see whether he’ll change his mind. However, instead, he practically locked her home and she could go out at night with me. We kept seeing in eachother secretely, only for a cup of cofee and that’s it.
Fast forward, after year and half in the relationship, I have notice that my gf changes her mood a lot. I know that girls are like that for several reasons (hormones etc). However, we started having huge fights about stupid things and after every fight she wanted to break up with me. This thing happened 5-6 times, or approximatelly every 3-4 months. We always got back together cause I was the one that wanted to stay with her, which later turned out to be a HUGE MISTAKE!
I was so desperate and lonely, mainly cause last year I have lost my mother to cancer... .I really needed her. However, her emotional cycles were unberable and I felt so much stress each time we have to argue. Its obvious she wanted drama and if something doesn’t turns out the way she wanted she’ll start threaten me with break up. She started texting me every 5 minutes, wanted to talk to me for hours on the phone. Additionally, her father started to follow us on a daily basis, and when he found out that we were still dating he threaten her that he will kill me. He didn’t wanted to meet up with me at all so I can introduce my self and tell him that I really love his daughter.
Later this spring, she wanted to break up with me again. We meet up and I’ve told her that I love her so much and we should work things out which we did. Throughout these break up cycles, I truly felt that she wanted to see me suffer for a while and get her way and than when everything is alright and fixed, we’re good to go. I know that someone would judge me and say I’m a desperate loser and that I should’ve broke up with her earlier. I honestly loved her and cared about her deeply.
Our relationship cracked this summer (one month after our three year anniversary) when I went out for a drink with a good friend of mine to talk about an upcoming project. She started texting me like a lunatic, thinking I was cheating on her. However, that moment I’ve really had it. I was tired explaining my self for stupid things and I could not handle with her anymore. I came home later that night and I’ve got a message from her in the morning: I do not want to continue my life with you, I’m unhappy with you at all. I’ve tried calling her but she hang up. Next day she called me saying that after her guests are gone I should come and pick up my stuff and that we’re done. I’ve said OK and nothing more. Two days later she called me and started crying that she cannot live without me and she is in a lot of pain. However, I’m not buying that anymore. She broke my heart hundred times, humiliated me and broke my self-esteem. I’ve come to realize that I was the only one that truly loved her and that she didn’t cared for me at all. Overall, she could  not handle her problem with her abusive father and I was really tired having her standing between me and her parents. I never wanted to separate her from her parents and even though her father said a lot of bad things about me (he never actually met me) I’ve always respected him and never said a bad word about him. I really wanted to meet him and explain everything but he didn’t want to see me at all.
When I went to pick up my stuff, she wore the dress I’ve gave her for her birthday, got of cup of coffee and wanted to talk things though again. However, I was so tired of expressing my feelings. I was so emotionally exhausted and I could not handle this anymore. I took my stuff and I’ve said to her you are free to go. Live your live and I wish you all the best. She started crying in my car and started hugging me and she said that she doesn’t want to break up with me. That she made  a mistake. As much as I loved her I had to let her go cause she obviously don’t know what she wants.
In other words, I was so in love with her that I haven’t realize all the red flags associated with her emotional instability. Actually, I’ve realized them after we broke up for good. I’ve deleted her and blocked her from every social media channel and blocked her phone number.
I went for a short vacation on my weekend house at the mountains, amd she started texting me from different number, calling me names etc. i did not respond to any of those messages. Since she could not get in touch with me, by any means, she went to see my father and gave him a letter for me. I do not understand why did she had to do that. She wrote me a five page handwritten letter, saying she was sorry for that damage she caused to me, everytime she offended me etc. However, I’ve noticed that, except for apologizing, she didn’t wrote, neither once, that she loves me. I’ve thrown the letter in the garbage.
Ever since our last break up (Aug, 2017) I went no contact with her. Never responded to anything she texted or wrote to me.
Overall, I’ve realize that as much I was trying to be a good bf and love her she was just getting meaner and meaner with me. I’ve done practically everything for this girl and I didn’t get nothing in return except for a headache and emotional stress.
As I’ve said previously, After the break up, I’ve come to realize that she might have a BPD disorder, based on her character traits:
- Attention seeking
- Drama
- Arguing
- Impulsive behavior
- Manipulation and lies
- Constant changing moods

Now the problem is that I cannot move on with my life. I’m so exhausted and I think that I will never ever get in another relationship anymore. Can you please share your experience with BPD parthers?
How did you manage to cope with the post break up? How did you manage to heal completely?

Please share your thoughts with me.

Thank you... .

[Lost_101]

Hello,

Firstly, I would like to apologize for the lenght of my email.
Me (30) and my ex girlfriend (24) have been dating for three years.
However, three months ago, I have broke up (this time for good) with her.
At the beginning things were great. We were so in love and we enjoyed eachothers company. Things started going downhill as soon as she told her father about me. He went completely nuts and told her that she should broke up with me immediatelly. He told her that I’m a bump, and that she can do so much better than me. Btw, I’m a Doctor. Nevermind, she told me what he told her and I’ve said that we should wait for a while and see whether he’ll change his mind. However, instead, he practically locked her home and she could go out at night with me. We kept seeing in eachother secretely, only for a cup of cofee and that’s it.
Fast forward, after year and half in the relationship, I have notice that my gf changes her mood a lot. I know that girls are like that for several reasons (hormones etc). However, we started having huge fights about stupid things and after every fight she wanted to break up with me. This thing happened 5-6 times, or approximatelly every 3-4 months. We always got back together cause I was the one that wanted to stay with her, which later turned out to be a HUGE MISTAKE!
I was so desperate and lonely, mainly cause last year I have lost my mother to cancer... .I really needed her. However, her emotional cycles were unberable and I felt so much stress each time we have to argue. Its obvious she wanted drama and if something doesn’t turns out the way she wanted she’ll start threaten me with break up. She started texting me every 5 minutes, wanted to talk to me for hours on the phone. Additionally, her father started to follow us on a daily basis, and when he found out that we were still dating he threaten her that he will kill me. He didn’t wanted to meet up with me at all so I can introduce my self and tell him that I really love his daughter.
Later this spring, she wanted to break up with me again. We meet up and I’ve told her that I love her so much and we should work things out which we did. Throughout these break up cycles, I truly felt that she wanted to see me suffer for a while and get her way and than when everything is alright and fixed, we’re good to go. I know that someone would judge me and say I’m a desperate loser and that I should’ve broke up with her earlier. I honestly loved her and cared about her deeply.
Our relationship cracked this summer (one month after our three year anniversary) when I went out for a drink with a good friend of mine to talk about an upcoming project. She started texting me like a lunatic, thinking I was cheating on her. However, that moment I’ve really had it. I was tired explaining my self for stupid things and I could not handle with her anymore. I came home later that night and I’ve got a message from her in the morning: I do not want to continue my life with you, I’m unhappy with you at all. I’ve tried calling her but she hang up. Next day she called me saying that after her guests are gone I should come and pick up my stuff and that we’re done. I’ve said OK and nothing more. Two days later she called me and started crying that she cannot live without me and she is in a lot of pain. However, I’m not buying that anymore. She broke my heart hundred times, humiliated me and broke my self-esteem. I’ve come to realize that I was the only one that truly loved her and that she didn’t cared for me at all. Overall, she could  not handle her problem with her abusive father and I was really tired having her standing between me and her parents. I never wanted to separate her from her parents and even though her father said a lot of bad things about me (he never actually met me) I’ve always respected him and never said a bad word about him. I really wanted to meet him and explain everything but he didn’t want to see me at all.
When I went to pick up my stuff, she wore the dress I’ve gave her for her birthday, got of cup of coffee and wanted to talk things though again. However, I was so tired of expressing my feelings. I was so emotionally exhausted and I could not handle this anymore. I took my stuff and I’ve said to her you are free to go. Live your live and I wish you all the best. She started crying in my car and started hugging me and she said that she doesn’t want to break up with me. That she made  a mistake. As much as I loved her I had to let her go cause she obviously don’t know what she wants.
In other words, I was so in love with her that I haven’t realize all the red flags associated with her emotional instability. Actually, I’ve realized them after we broke up for good. I’ve deleted her and blocked her from every social media channel and blocked her phone number.
I went for a short vacation on my weekend house at the mountains, amd she started texting me from different number, calling me names etc. i did not respond to any of those messages. Since she could not get in touch with me, by any means, she went to see my father and gave him a letter for me. I do not understand why did she had to do that. She wrote me a five page handwritten letter, saying she was sorry for that damage she caused to me, everytime she offended me etc. However, I’ve noticed that, except for apologizing, she didn’t wrote, neither once, that she loves me. I’ve thrown the letter in the garbage.
Ever since our last break up (Aug, 2017) I went no contact with her. Never responded to anything she texted or wrote to me.
Overall, I’ve realize that as much I was trying to be a good bf and love her she was just getting meaner and meaner with me. I’ve done practically everything for this girl and I didn’t get nothing in return except for a headache and emotional stress.
As I’ve said previously, After the break up, I’ve come to realize that she might have a BPD disorder, based on her character traits:
- Attention seeking
- Drama
- Arguing
- Impulsive behavior
- Manipulation and lies
- Constant changing moods

Now the problem is that I cannot move on with my life. I’m so exhausted and I think that I will never ever get in another relationship anymore. Can you please share your experience with BPD parthers?
How did you manage to cope with the post break up? How did you manage to heal completely?

Please share your thoughts with me.

Thank you... .

[Lost_101]

Anybody?

[Mutt]

Hi Lost_101,



Im sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. You lost your mom and it has to be hard that her family is not accepting you.

I can’t give you a recipe to follow healing is different for everyone. We all have our healing paths.

You’re taking an appropriate step with self protection.Take this time to give yourself adequate space from your exe and time to heal from your wounds and not have the reopen because you’re in contact with her. Is she still contacting you it sounded like she was going through an extinction burst.

Another appropriate step is creating a thread and talk about what’s going on in your life with BPD stuff. It helps to talk. I think that it helps to know that you’re not alone. Many of us are going through the same thing.

I’d also advise to seek help from a T or a P seeing either with a support group concurrently is going to give you that extra help.

You gave a detailed back story, what are you doing now to help speed up your recovery? I suggest self care, are you eating enough? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you exercise? Are you doing things that you enjoy? Do you spend time with family and friends?

Here’s a good article that helped me

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

[Patusito]

Hi Lost 101

I was truly moved by your story as the memories came back what I had to endure for 2 years. In a nutshell my ex was a great manipulator and chameleon. The trick was for her to use all my weaknesses against me and to be an awesome lover.
The more I invested into her in whatever ways possible, the more she go cold and just pull back. I was amazed by how much much she can care and especially not care! Whenever I tried to break up, she would reel me back in with endless tears and screams while I tolerated her to be still living with her ex that she " needed " to live with because apparently they were both sexually abused as infants.
Of course to my own amusement now I wanted to be a kind and trusting partner so I let her have her safe haven. Of course there was no way that I could meet her ex as it would hurt him according to her opinion. I tolerated this crap for month and finally, on my last bday I pulled the plug for good and blocked her everywhere. There are so many situations i could discuss that were plain red flags. For example, she was paranoid about her whereabouts and I could never meet anyone that she knows... nevertheless she wanted to marry me and have kids... .I feel really reallly stupid to have tolerated this. I am a fool and I accept that.
Anyways, enough of that. How did I get up? Well I still have a drinking problem, but I am out dating and reading books on inter gender dynamics. One book u must read is "the rational male" by Rollo tomassi. This book is a tough one to accept but for me it did wonders. I seriously call it the Bible of a renaissance man.
You see, the traits of BPD are now mainstream with a lot of women, not just diagnosed people. I was disposable to her because I didn't emphasize on my value and beliefs. Today I try to have my frame up and whatever women give me ___ tests are out. Sorry that sounds harsh but it's now me me and yes me.
I must admit I am doing better and whatever happened to me with that devil has helped me excel in my professional life as well.
In the end it's pretty simple. Give yourself value bro and don't take an ounce of crap from no one. Next time you smell crap, flush it down no matter how much you fancy that person. Never over invest in anyone and pls over invest in you only no matter what you do. You come first, second and third!

[Turkish]

Hi Lost_101,

The relationship with her father is far beyond normal,  yes? Death threats?

If he's controlling and abusive, and was likely always like this,  then she was trying to escape.  Net wounds likely go back as long as she could remember.  Those wounds have nothing to do with you,  and she's coping on the only way she knows how. She may be acting out her dynamic with her father with you: push-pull.

[Lost_101]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for your response.

Her father is crazy and a complete lunatic. At the beginning she has projected her father as someone who is full of understanding, her friend and her biggest support. However, the moment she told her father about me, he went nuts. Later on, she was constatly accusing me that I’m the one who ruined her relationship with her father. But I think she is lying big time. My intention was to get to know him so he can he can feel safe and relaxed in terms of knowing with whom her daugther is actually dating. He started haressing her entire family because of me. Her mother made was threating that she would drink acid or kill her self if she ever run away with me. In other words she was between a rock and hard place. I couldn’t take anymore cause I didn’t wanted to separate her from her parents and I haven’t pressured her to choose between me and them.

Besides her father, she was also totally unstable as a person. She lied to me on several ocassions, few major lies in the very beginning of the relationship. Anyhow, everybody deserves second chance cause no one is perfect. But in my case, she became totally obsessed with me and really mean to me. I remember that one night when we were out she was so unsatisfied with my appearance and she kept commenting me about my coat, my shirt, my hair, etc... .I’ve bought the coat especially for that night cause I thought she would like it. She has ruined the entire night... .An many other days and nights... .Few months before we broke up, she wanted to send her photos of me (selfies) and each comment was: I’m staring at your photo and I really don’t feel any sexual attractiveness toward you. Additionally, she made me sold my old apartment for 10.000$ less cause she didn’t like the neighborhood. Texted me 100 times when I go out for drink with my friends. I swear a God, I feel a lot of tension right now when someone texts me and my phone is vibrating all the time. I’m totally lost as a person. I’m afraid to start a new relationship with some other girl. The part that hurt the most is that she really didn’t love at all. She just felt secure with me and she knew that I will be there for her all the time. She abused my love and my good will and made me a nervous person which I wasn’t when I met her. Do you think that if somebody loves you will do or say mean stuff to you? Is that love? Is that friendship? Too bad I have woke up too late to realize what she is doing to me. Now its all clear to me.

Hi Lost_101,

The relationship with her father is far beyond normal,  yes? Death threats?

If he's controlling and abusive, and was likely always like this,  then she was trying to escape.  Net wounds likely go back as long as she could remember.  Those wounds have nothing to do with you,  and she's coping on the only way she knows how. She may be acting out her dynamic with her father with you: push-pull.

[Lost_101]

Hi Mutt,

Thank you for your response.

Actually, I’m running a lot since we broke up. I’m hiking as well.
The last time my ex contacted me was via the letter she gave to my father which end up in the garbage. Also, a month ago, her cousin texted via instagram saying that he was so sorry to hear that we have broken up. We were such a great and that he wishes me all the best. I haven’t responded to that either cause she probably made him text me. I haven’t heard of her since than. Do you think she will keep texting me? Cause if she countinues texting me or harassing my family, I will file for a restraining order.

Hi Lost_101,



Im sorry that you’re going through a difficult time. You lost your mom and it has to be hard that her family is not accepting you.

I can’t give you a recipe to follow healing is different for everyone. We all have our healing paths.

You’re taking an appropriate step with self protection.Take this time to give yourself adequate space from your exe and time to heal from your wounds and not have the reopen because you’re in contact with her. Is she still contacting you it sounded like she was going through an extinction burst.

Another appropriate step is creating a thread and talk about what’s going on in your life with BPD stuff. It helps to talk. I think that it helps to know that you’re not alone. Many of us are going through the same thing.

I’d also advise to seek help from a T or a P seeing either with a support group concurrently is going to give you that extra help.

You gave a detailed back story, what are you doing now to help speed up your recovery? I suggest self care, are you eating enough? Are you getting enough sleep? Do you exercise? Are you doing things that you enjoy? Do you spend time with family and friends?

Here’s a good article that helped me

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

[Mutt]

I have another solution. My ex wife left me and she was already in a r/s with another guy and she was sending some very angry emails. She would also call and text but usually wasn’t angry. I wasn’t perfect I was hurt because I was betrayed and directing that anger towards her.

I parallel parent with her today. My kids are st my house for a week and at mom’s for a week and vice versa. She twists reality often that I want to make sure that I have proof if I need it in court for the future.  I could tell a lawyer or a judge what happened but that’s she he said. I keep a record of everything in black and white that I can print off and give it to lawyer. I have her communicate with me by email very rarely she might send a text but I respond back to her by email and she’s left with no choice but to use that avenue to get in touch with me.

She will probably text you but if you don’t respond eventually she’ll get the picture and not text. Think of it this way if sends you multiple texts and you respond on the 20th text then she knows that it will take 20 texts until you reply back. Don’t reply at all and she’ll give up eventually.

[Imad]

Hey Lost_101

I really can relate to ur story, it like we dated the same girl
Me (28) and my ex (23) whith whoom I broke up a month ago had pretty much the same experience u lived.

When I met this girl my whole life changed, I did a changed too many bad habits to be the best person she ever had, I was feeling complete with her, she knew what to say to make me feel good and happy, the first 8 months were the best months of my life, and deep inside me, i was thinking that it's too GOOD to be true but I kept drwoning in love anyway. I knew after I broke up with her that this love bombing periode and this idealization phase were BIG RED FLAG.

I had the same problem with his big brother who went to say bad things about me to her father, they hated me, I wanted to go to talk to speak to his brother but he didn't accept to see me, he is my age but I didn't understad what was his real problem with me, they ve been telling her that she is still young than me and that she deserve better than me. they didn't agree about her dating me, but we kept seeing each other in secret too.

I dated this girl for almost 2 years, I don't say that I m perfect, but I really loved her, I had my insecurities, but I did my best to fill with her, we had some several fight at the beggininig, but that was manageable...
but the last year was crazy, we couldn't handle our fights properly, che was broking with me after every fight, and I was always the one who's going back to reconciliate, and she was always making me begging for her forgiveness... I remember one time I falled in tears begging her to stay with me,  she was always saying to me that she deserve better, this broke my self-esteem and my self rescpect, and that I m not treating her very well, I ve never understand her reactions, sometimes we were having fights about silly things and she was making me feel like I did the crime of the year... .I felt like I m walking in minefields... sometimes she was pretty nice behave like an angel, but I don't recongnize her when she's angry at me, sometimes just for a stupid joke that I made, she would interpret it as judgment or that I m criticizing her...

She was always thinking that I was cheating on her, so she kept always searching in my friend circle in social media asking me where did I knew every girl I had in this circle. she found some girls following me in instagram, that I ve never talked to, this was after a travel that we had together, and my phone was the hole time in front of her during this travel, she started calling me a sheater and lier, I confronted her with logic, I told her that she had access to my phone the hole travel time, and there was nothing, but she did'nt want to hear me, she start yelling at me and insulting my character and start blaming me for the hole old faults that I did in the past, and then she hang up, she was doing this all the time, I could'nt handle and I sent her a text telling here that I cant handle this any more and I can't continue like this, she insulted me and blocked me... she was always hanging up when we were discussing something on the phone because she knew that I will call her back., everytime she was breaking up with me, because she knew that I ll come back to her...   BUT THIS TIME, I could'nt hande the emotional stress anymore, that was driving me crazy, I couldn't go to the gym, I couldn't eat ... .

I sent here an email after 3 or 4 days after the break up, where I tryed to explain to her the hurt that I feel when she reject me, when she brings my old faults to the tables every fight, that I wasn t flurting with girls behind her back, with proofs and logic, but she wasn't hearing me, she called me a narcissic and manipulator, and that I was manipulating her, she couldn't recognize the hurt I'm feeling... .it's been a month, I could'nt stop thinking about this, i started questonning my sanity, i went to a therapit to see if I m really a narc, If I was a bad person, if I was treating her badly !

I can't be angry at her, and I can't hate her for all the hurt i m feeling, she seems that she passes to something else... I don't know how she can just moove on very quick... .I know that our relationship was toxic, I know the breaking up with her was the best thing to do, but I sometimes I feel guilty, and want her back, but I m scared at the same time.  I m trying to focus in my work and my professional life, and I know that time can heal anything, I finished by accepting that she didn't love me for who I am, I did my best to satisfay her emotional needs, but I couldn't, I wasn't awar about it until I started reading about BPD traits below : ( This was my daily life )

1. Acting from a belief that you don't care about her that only emerges after she has secured a permanent relationship commitment.
2. Chronic criticism of your behavior or devaluation of you as a person.
3. Acting from a strong belief or sense that you are controlling her.
4. Unwillingness to take on shared chores or responsibilities in her relationship.
5. Chronic low-grade illness that gets in the way of normal relationship activities.
6. Expressions of entitlement or a sense that she deserves more than her share.
7. Expressions of feeling like a victim.
8. Behavior that looks like punishment or revenge towards you.
9. Expressions that you are not taking care of her emotions, don't care about her feelings or don't care about her as a person.
10. Excessive or chronic irritability.
11. Excessive jealousy or unwarranted accusations of infidelity.
12. Excessive demands for your attention that interfere with your professional or private life.
13. Expressions of fear or statements of inability to handle everyday situations.
14. Crying jags without a reason identified.
15. Expressions of a desire to be taken care of like a child.
16. Disparaging comments about your extended family and friends.
17. The desire for limitations on your private life outside of the relationship.
18. Controlling behavior, either manipulatively or through bullying or use of guilt.
19. Rage attacks.
20. Quick mood changes with an amnesia-like quality where she doesn't seem to remember why she felt the way she did moments, hours or days ago.
21. Chronic lying or distorting of the truth or shifting of blame from self to others to bolster her self-image.
22. Extreme dependence on you for her emotional well being.
23. A strong belief or sense that you are not acting appropriately or are not worthy of her.
24. Excessive threats to leave the relationship or declarations that the relationship is over followed by reconciliation or acting as though the threats had not been made.

Keep posting, and hope u ll be better, give it time, and don't try to understand, she is just who she is !

[Bo123]

Sorry for your situation.  You say you are a Dr, if a M.D., you have easy access to a therapist, psychiatric nurse, unlimited resources either as friends or chose another town and go private.  That would be the 1st choice for a M.D but if your a PhD Doctorate in something else, well it would make sense your approach.  Seems continued NC, talk therapy and keep doing what you are doing will get you un-lost.  Good luck.

[Turkish]

You don't know what you don't know.  If you only know unhealthy "love" and possibly enmeshed with a controlling parent,  then that is the lens through which you view the world.

I've known a dBPD woman since she was 9. She's now 42. Every marriage and relationship starts with idealistic hyper love and idealization.  They all end with either domestic violence and cheating. She's all but destroyed her teenage daughter. 

I used to think this about my ex: " how could she say she loves me and treat me so well sometimes,  yet treat me like she hates me other times?" Self aware pwBPD ask themselves this as well,  or at least say,  "this is who I am. I do love,  but I also hate myself for treating others like this." The dad so much in the picture might mean that she is trapped emotionally.  The only person who can rescue her from this is herself.

How are things going now?