My 33 yr old BPD daughter raged concerning my grandson

[MissingMyJoy]

   Hi everyone,

I used to post frequently here as "JustWantMyJoyBack".  My relationship with my dd has been rocky; however, manageable...until now.

To keep the peace, my son in law does whatever my dd wants.  He provides an amazing home, income and spoils her.  Having raised my dd, that can be a blessing and a curse.

In the last 8 months or so my dd & son in law befriended a 25 yr old man who now works for them.  He literally is with them 8 hrs a day and over the past 6 months is at their house 6 to 7 days a week.  After meeting the young man and being around him constantly (because I can't escape his presence), I have noticed some VERY uncomfortable situations I disagree with.  My dd & son in law allow the young man to spend the night (at least once or twice a week).  I found out about a week ago, the young man sometimes sleeps with my 11 yr old grandson.  I was shocked.  I noticed also last week the young man gave my grandson $20 for making the honor roll at school.  I also noticed about 2 weeks ago that the young man was tickling my grandson and I must have given "the stink eye" to the man because he stopped.

I decided one week ago to try to calmly talk to my dd about the behaviors and the dangers that I think are "grooming" my grandson.  As you can probably guess, my concerns went over like a tsunami.  Now dd is keeping my grandson from spending the night with me (which is something I love).  DD says before she will let my grandson spend the night "we have to talk".  Now these old horrible feelings are returning that affect my mental health and physical health.  I notice I'm jumpy and constantly reliving last week's barrage of yelling and name calling.

I would like some advice on what to do and say.  Honestly, if it weren't for my grandson, I would go "no contact".  Any ideas would help.

Warm regards
MMJ  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Glad you have come here with your concerns. These situations are so difficult to handle!

I can only say what I think I would do at this point in time. I think my focus would be on doing what it takes to be able to have my grandson staying overnight again.

I can't think what sorts of things your daughter might bring up in a conversation, and it may be that it ends in a bad way, but my aim would be to re-establish the overnight stays.

The reason is that one on one is that opportunity for you to notice if there is any change in your gs. It would give him the opportunity to express any concerns.

From what I read, the big indicator of abuse is change in the child. If he can spend time with you, that would be the best because you know your gs very well and you will be able to notice change. Things like change in sleep pattern, new fears, not wanting to go back home - as well as how he talks about this fellow eg is he secretive or open about what this chap is like.

I can understand the feeling of wanting to leave it all behind. It takes so much energy relating to a loved one with BPD. But if you can gather up your resources to get through that 'talk' and your gs can start staying again, you will have given him a very big gift indeed.

[MissingMyJoy]

Thanks Sancho 

I agree.  That's basically my goal.  I'm hoping at some point my dd will allow my gs to spend the night again.  We always have a wonderful time and he loves the quiet and calmness at my home.  Also the home cooked meals!

To date, my dd has not contacted me.  However, this has been her past operation.  I'm sure she considers this my "punishment" period.  I will bet she won't even contact me on Thanksgiving. 

I'm feeling stronger now.  The way I cope is realizing this is my dd's "black" period for me.  I will say that I'm not going to make this event a soul killer for me.  I'm way to observant of her behaviors.  I disconnected from Facebook because my dd was posting some really hurtful mime's that were directed towards me.  She still has the mind of a 16 yr old.

My dd's behavior is always lying in wait.  Blowing up and hurting people to the core.  I totally get it now.  I'm sure she's sending the flying monkeys as well.

Thanks for listening.

Missing My Joy

[Sancho]

So glad you are feeling stronger - and that you see the patterns.

Hope it's not too long before gs is enjoying those home cooked meals again!