My new year’s recap or finding the “mommy dearest” again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello all of you fellow members. I once again find myself looking for a direction and more comprehensive way to go. Here is a hopefully two part short summary of my issues at hand. We came back from our business trip for a new year celebration. While we were away, he wanted to experiment in the intimate department, as sexuality is the fastest shortcut to emotional intimacy that he is capable of. He also ordered a drug he occasionally takes for enhanced experience. I rented a hotel room at a very lavish and beautiful hotel. Our plan was to have dinner with my family and children. For them to go home once we ring the new year and for us to stay and indulge. Only it didn’t go as planned, he was dysregulating from the moment we got into our car. D14 went significantly over her data, so I called to the provider and turned it off till the beginning of a new cycle. He started going at her “being punished” and on and on. We got to the hotel, it was fine, dinner with my family, d14 still visibly upset from his earlier outburst. Finished the dinner and my elderly grandma needed a change of clothes and washroom, so she asked to go up to our room. D14 said she wanted to come too. I should have known better and went with them. Not even 10 min later d14 was sending me pictures of the content of my suitcase, which was mostly adult sex toys. Talk about boundary crossing. I ran upstairs, she was shaking and crying, again accusing us of not loving her and asking why can’t we wait to be intimate while she is still living with us. She spent the remainder of the night in the washroom and we were trying to console her. Once we rang the new year my parents took the kids and we stayed in the suit. He was doing drugs and ordering me to do things visually so pleasing and to his satisfaction. I don’t engage in his self medication, so I passed out in the early hours, while he was watching porn by himself. Once we checked out I took him home, and he continued doing the same in our bedroom while I was busieng myself with kids. Once his stash went dry he went to sleep. While he was intoxicated, I was able to get a few things out of him, yes, I took advanatage. He deleted the game that was the core of his dysregulating. I have not been cursed or yelled as much since the game went away. I was able to strike an agreement with him regarding our business trips travel. He agreed on going in the same car, separate from his partner.
On our daughter’s front things weren’t as smooth, she silent treated us for 5 days now. Only to come down with a virus. She is now blaming us on her immune system being compromised due to the stress we’ve caused her.
On top of it all, his np mother called my uBPDh, by “mistake”. She is a mix of BPD and nc, mostly. Either nc or smothering him with affection. She is also demanding complete disclosure and total dedication. 6 calls in one day. Next step, she will start telling him that he doesn’t sound happy, he needs to change things, read come over to her place, bring her large amounts of money and gifts and warship her like a mother queen she is. When I read this sentence out, I want to laugh at how bazarre it sounds... only to be true, the same cycle repeats itself for 16 years. She wants him, he comes, takes away from his family to give to her, time, money, resources, love, intimacy. He almost always decides it’s time for a break up, or start enforcing the rules she plans out for me and my children. He makes my life a living helll, only once he is depleted she discards him out like an unwanted toy and crawls back to me. He expects me to forget and never mention her and what he did to our family while proving his loyalty to her. It’s some kind of twisting game, the more he dysregulating and brings chaos into our relationships, the more elated she is.
I’m looking at my family, I have BPD histrionic mother, BPD and np husband, likely developing BPD daughter. There isn’t any safety or quietness for me in my own family. I’m so exhausted

[snowglobe]

Hello all of you fellow members. I once again find myself looking for a direction and more comprehensive way to go. Here is a hopefully two part short summary of my issues at hand. We came back from our business trip for a new year celebration. While we were away, he wanted to experiment in the intimate department, as sexuality is the fastest shortcut to emotional intimacy that he is capable of. He also ordered a drug he occasionally takes for enhanced experience. I rented a hotel room at a very lavish and beautiful hotel. Our plan was to have dinner with my family and children. For them to go home once we ring the new year and for us to stay and indulge. Only it didn’t go as planned, he was dysregulating from the moment we got into our car. D14 went significantly over her data, so I called to the provider and turned it off till the beginning of a new cycle. He started going at her “being punished” and on and on. We got to the hotel, it was fine, dinner with my family, d14 still visibly upset from his earlier outburst. Finished the dinner and my elderly grandma needed a change of clothes and washroom, so she asked to go up to our room. D14 said she wanted to come too. I should have known better and went with them. Not even 10 min later d14 was sending me pictures of the content of my suitcase, which was mostly adult sex toys. Talk about boundary crossing. I ran upstairs, she was shaking and crying, again accusing us of not loving her and asking why can’t we wait to be intimate while she is still living with us. She spent the remainder of the night in the washroom and we were trying to console her. Once we rang the new year my parents took the kids and we stayed in the suit. He was doing drugs and ordering me to do things visually so pleasing and to his satisfaction. I don’t engage in his self medication, so I passed out in the early hours, while he was watching porn by himself. Once we checked out I took him home, and he continued doing the same in our bedroom while I was busieng myself with kids. Once his stash went dry he went to sleep. While he was intoxicated, I was able to get a few things out of him, yes, I took advanatage. He deleted the game that was the core of his dysregulating. I have not been cursed or yelled as much since the game went away. I was able to strike an agreement with him regarding our business trips travel. He agreed on going in the same car, separate from his partner.
On our daughter’s front things weren’t as smooth, she silent treated us for 5 days now. Only to come down with a virus. She is now blaming us on her immune system being compromised due to the stress we’ve caused her.
On top of it all, his np mother called my uBPDh, by “mistake”. She is a mix of BPD and nc, mostly. Either nc or smothering him with affection. She is also demanding complete disclosure and total dedication. 6 calls in one day. Next step, she will start telling him that he doesn’t sound happy, he needs to change things, read come over to her place, bring her large amounts of money and gifts and warship her like a mother queen she is. When I read this sentence out, I want to laugh at how bazarre it sounds... only to be true, the same cycle repeats itself for 16 years. She wants him, he comes, takes away from his family to give to her, time, money, resources, love, intimacy. He almost always decides it’s time for a break up, or start enforcing the rules she plans out for me and my children. He makes my life a living helll, only once he is depleted she discards him out like an unwanted toy and crawls back to me. He expects me to forget and never mention her and what he did to our family while proving his loyalty to her. It’s some kind of twisting game, the more he dysregulating and brings chaos into our relationships, the more elated she is.
I’m looking at my family, I have BPD histrionic mother, BPD and np husband, likely developing BPD daughter. There isn’t any safety or quietness for me in my own family. I’m so exhausted

[Cat Familiar]

Yikes, the best laid plans!  This scenario would work well in a sit com.

Definitely not a great start to the New Year. I can see how completely exhausting it is to deal with all this dysfunction.   

It sounds like you're managing some of the difficulties with your husband's work and gaming. Congratulations!

His mother is a wild card--not much you can do directly about her unfortunately.

Is your daughter in therapy? It might be a good time to start. As they say, the diagnostic criteria for BPD in teenagers is not set in stone, since all (or most) teens are self absorbed and rather narcissistic.

You've got your hands full, dealing with so many personality disorders in one family. Make sure you take some time to recharge your batteries.   

[snowglobe]

Yikes, the best laid plans!  This scenario would work well in a sit com.

Definitely not a great start to the New Year. I can see how completely exhausting it is to deal with all this dysfunction.   

It sounds like you're managing some of the difficulties with your husband's work and gaming. Congratulations!

His mother is a wild card--not much you can do directly about her unfortunately.

Is your daughter in therapy? It might be a good time to start. As they say, the diagnostic criteria for BPD in teenagers is not set in stone, since all (or most) teens are self absorbed and rather narcissistic.

You've got your hands full, dealing with so many personality disorders in one family. Make sure you take some time to recharge your batteries.   

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. We tried emotion based therapy with d14, big mistake. She is now convinced that she is the victim of a “terrible childhood”. The therapist mentioned that she thinks that her behaviour is stemming from trauma. No kidding! Observing her dad dysregulating day in and day out would affect any child. She seems to also pick up on his non verbal cues on how to manipulate me.
Mil is the one I can’t deal with, it’s a deal breaker for me. I was able to tolerate him putting me through a term oil at 17,18,19, verbally abuse me and financially manipulate me into complete surrender. I’m almost 34 yo, and I’m dealing with my uBPDh and my daughter. I have no resource or energy to waste on her. I’m ready to draw the boundary.
Is it a reasonable to ask my uBPDh not to speak of her or not to take her calls in my presence? If he wants to visit her he should do so on his own. I want to take her out of my reality. I’m not going to ask him to stop talking to her, but I don’t want to facilitate their interaction. After all I know it too well, once he will give her all he can, she will dump him and he will crawl back to me. I’m so freaking angry at their dynamic. This person who is ruining her son’s life by dystroying his family relationships, sucks him dry financially, and he goes for it every time. It never gets old.