Please Help

[Imsosad]

I'm struggling so bad.  I was sick the last few days and didn't get much sleep because of it.  I was in pretty severe pain.  As soon as I felt a little better, I wanted to do something nice for her so I told her I would make her dinner for when she came home.  While she was at work, I started feeling sick and extremely tired again and fell asleep for a while.  Then woke up and hurried to the grocery store.  I decided I wanted to surprise her with dessert and fresh made juice from a recipe we tried and loved.  I somehow got confused about what time she said she'd be home from work.  When she called to tell me she was out, I was just getting home with the groceries and dinner would be ready in about 45 minutes.  I explained to her that I thought she got out at a different time and that I was so sorry, but dinner was not ready yet.  She said she was hungry so I offered to take her to dinner.  She agreed. Then she text me saying "never mind, I'll just make something for myself."  I knew I was screwed so I started making dinner and put it in the oven.  She got home and told me I was a teenager that she can't trust with a simple chore, that I shouldn't to commit to things I can't follow through with, that I have no sense of time or time management (Other days she tells me how she loves that I am always on time and never leaves her waiting).  That I was late making her dinner three years ago and that I was late picking her up from a conference last month (I was three minutes late).  I told her I had felt sick and fallen asleep, had to go to three stores to find the stuff I needed and got confused about what time she'd be home , I apologized over and over and promised to make it better but she was done.  She said she's better off alone than with someone who makes excuses, that I ignore her and can't get simple tasks done on time and that she never asked me to make her dinner nor  to buy the other things I got to surprise her.  She kicked me out and hasn't spoken to me since Friday.  

I guess I just need to vent.  I feel awful and so hurt.  I know I can simply just protect myself and tell her I'm done with this relationship and leave.  It's just not that easy.  She has been late to events with me, cancelled plans on me because she double booked with friends and has forgotten several things I have told her but won't dare hold herself accountable for any of that nor do I pick at those mistakes.  People are human and very far from perfect, I know that and accept it with love.  This just tears me up so bad.  I kind of hate her so much right now and wish I could tell her she's abusive and horrible and that she can't judge me for the crap she does herself.  I'm always there for her no matter what!  but 45 minutes late with dinner and I'm the biggest mistake she's ever made.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

It's frustrating for others not to see it the same way you do... .to not understand.

Many times we spend to much effort trying to "make them" understand and end up frustrated and hurt... sometimes they are upset with people try to "make them" understand... .POOF... now there are hurt feelings all the way around.

What would have happened if you would have said "I'm sorry about dinner.  I won't be spoken to that way" and walked away.

Ever done anything like that?

Or... .just said ''Ouch!" ... pause... ."what's up with the insult?"  then walk away.

I'm guessing she is used to berating you... and you take it?  Is that about right?

Are you ready to change that?  Here is the good news... you don't have to ask her if it's ok?

FF

[Imsosad]

Formflier,

You are right... .I usually sit there through the berating and just take it until she gets over it.  If there is a next time, I will try letting her know I won't be disrespected and walk away.  I've never stood up to her.  I have exploded a few times in the past from holding it all in and that just made me look crazy and mean.  You have really good advice, I just wish I would have stood up for myself this time.

[formflier]

Solid job responding quickly to posts in your thread!   

You have the jist of it... .stand up for yourself.  In a way we "teach" people how to treat us, what is OK and what is NOT ok.

I think it would be helpful for you to think about what you were "expecting" from her.  I see a lot of effort... .a HUUUUUUUUGGGGGEE amount of effort and thoughtfulness put into dinner.  Obviously disappointing it didn't work out.

What were you expecting to get or "trying to say" with this gesture?

FF