A whole new relationship, or just another recycle?

[Lady Itone]

My person with uBPD is female, 31 yrs old. I've been romantically involved with her on and off for almost two years. I'm also female, age 45. I've been on this board since Nov, but in the post-breakup section mostly.

So here's the rundown: Our last breakup was in early November after a very bad fight where she stole my keys and I had cops out looking for her. A week later she showed up at my house in a full blown psychotic episode and I had to call an ambulance. That was not quite 3 months ago. Since then, she's been through a psyche ward stay, a residential treatment program, and currently, she's living in group home a few hours away from me.

She's an amazing person, mostly, and we have a profoundly deep connection. I care about her, and desire her, but I resent being her caretaker and can't regulate my own emotions around her dysfunctional behavior. So after that last break up, I was interacting as "just friends," facetiming & messaging a bit, but no visits, no cybersex or sexy talk, no speaking of doing anything in the future together. 

She came to town this weekend, and we had to deal with some things she had at my place, and some stuff she needed to leave at my place. I was both excited and scared to see her.

She looked amazing. She's more perceptive, clearer in her intentions and communications than I've ever seen her. She's a healthy weight, eyes bright, confident smile. I'm sure she was on her best behavior to win me over, but she really acknowledged her past mistakes and she was just glowing when I told her how proud I was that she is taking getting better so seriously.   

All distance between us melted, and we slept together two nights. As usual, the lovemaking was a spiritual experience. We talked about what a successful relationship between us right now might look like. 

I told her I no longer want or expect her to be a partner or to meet my needs. I want to be a part of her support system, but not the biggest part, and I don't expect much help from her in my life. I agreed we might reconsider partnership years down the road if she stays healthy longterm, but right now, all we can be is friends and lovers, not "girlfriends," and I'm not considering her as a potential life partner.

We agreed neither of us should make a big deal about seeing each other, there is no obligation. Trying to get back and forth between our cities is expensive and time-consuming. It should be fun to visit each other, it's not a chore. I made it clear I absolutely won't want to cohabitate with her again anytime soon. Neither of us ever wanted or expected total monogamy, we both identify as polyamorous, so we'll both continue dating other people if the inclination strikes.

I felt good about all this, but a little nervous, too, that I'm letting her back in to my bed. I'm adamant, though, that I am not going to pull focus from my life to tend to hers, and likewise, I want her to stay focused on the things she needs to do to live independently. If she ever maintains a place to live, a job, and stable health for a significant amount of time, I'll consider investing more in the relationship.

Currently, she plans to stay in the group home another several months.  It's inexpensive, and she's allowed to come and go there somewhat as she likes. She's very well monitored by therapists and doctors, so she's taking her antipsychotics properly. She has not yet gone back on anything for her ADHD. I'm encouraging her to stay away from Adderall, which she likes to overdose on, and to try something new. We'll see.

I've been on this board since Nov, mostly the post breakup section.  I'm hoping this new style of relationship between us will work better, and that's it a real hard reset, and not just another "recycle." When I ask myself "what has changed?" I answer, "The structure of the relationship itself. Also, she has an affordable, stable drug-free living environment for the first time since I met her."     

Thoughts?

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[Radcliff]

Hello Lady Itone,

A few things you said seemed especially important to me.  You said that you want to be part of her support system, but only a part, not her main support.  You have established a boundary that you are not willing to co-habitate with her.  You live far apart, which places a natural limit on how much time you spend together.  You have identified the behaviors of hers that limit how much you are willing to invest in the relationship.  It sounds like you have carefully thought this through.

You ask if it's another recycle.  It seems like she has made improvements and you have also changed the structure.  This feels like this passes the "Am I doing the same thing and expecting different results?" test.

The question on my mind is, how well will this new arrangement stand the test of time?  Is there a period of time for which you can commit to yourself that you won't change the rules?  If you pick a time now, while in your Wise Mind, that commitment to yourself might allow you to stay the course if things become heated or confused.  Your post is also a good indication of your current thinking.  You could set reminders for yourself to come back to it and look at it every month or so to see how things are going compared to how you expected them to go.

WW

[Lady Itone]

The question on my mind is, how well will this new arrangement stand the test of time?

Thank you and good question, WW!

I don't know that it's meant to stand the test of time. It's designed with the hope that the current situation--her living in a group home with no job, being hospitalized for episodes every few months--will change.

Best case scenario: She gets her life on track, proves she can keep it on track, and we decide to move forward with a more committed relationship together. Or, by then, one or both of us may have found partners we're more in synch with as "primaries." Then, ours could stay a more "secondary" relationship. The beauty of polyamorous relationships are that they don't demand all or nothing with one person.

I also told her she ever meets someone she wants to be monogamous with, I will let her go, no hostility. She's 14 years younger than me and hasn't had as much relationship experience, so I don't expect to her to totally know who she is or what she wants yet.   

The worst case scenario is she will fail to improve her situation, or make it worse. In which case, I'll have to pull even further away, and she'd probably have to go to her family across the country to avoid homelessness. She's said that they told her if she ends up in a psyche ward again anytime soon, there's a good chance it'll be a loonggg time before they let her out again. 

I love the idea that I don't have to "abandon" her utterly despite all this. My own living/work situation is very stable, and I have a decent support system of friends, and this forum of course! 

I can definitely handle her in small doses. After two days with her, I was so ready for some quiet alone time! She's always going to be a difficult person, but I have big love for her.

[Radcliff]

By "stand the test of time" I meant that the framework would keep working for both of you, and that you'd be able to maintain the framework with only gradual and appropriate adaptations in response to changing conditions.  It sounds like you're totally squared away on this now, and appear pretty confident and grounded, which bodes well.  Just check back with yourself in a bit in a while and see if it's still working, and feel free to give us an update on this thread so we know how you're doing.

WW

[SunandMoon]

Hi Lady Itone

I know you were worried about seeing your ex face to face again... .Should I say congratulations? Probably way too early for that but at least you've moved from the post break up section!

Joking aside, it sounds like you have a clear mind going into this new chapter with her. The tricky part will be remaining in this mindset of 'detaching with love' and not getting sucked into the dramas if they start again.

But it's a very positive sign that she has chosen herself to remain in the group home for now, and that she is being monitored and is taking her meds routinely.

I hope it works for her. And for you   

[Lady Itone]

Hi Lady Itone


Joking aside, it sounds like you have a clear mind going into this new chapter with her. The tricky part will be remaining in this mindset of 'detaching with love' and not getting sucked into the dramas if they start again.

Yep. I reckon I'd be kidding myself I thought she'll never pull annoying nonsense again.

Already she's back on Adderall, which rarely ends well for her. Hopefully they're monitoring her well enough that she can't eat a month's worth over the course of a week--her favorite old trick.