BPD Narrc Mother and Her Child

[Heartbroken Gram]

Hi, I saw an article of what to do when your Child, my daughter, is being verbally abusive to her daughter. I was just wanting to get some insight on what to do as the Grandmother. They live with me and Ive spent my granddaughters whole 6 years protecting her from her Moms BPD def with Narcissism. Its been a real struggle but theres got to be some help somewhere? The bad part of trying to get help is that people like that will just up and take the child to "get back" at you for even suggesting there may be something wrong with them. It definitely is walking on eggshells. Everything we do is to protect my grandchild. She doesnt take care of her so Im able to show her love and taking care of her, but as she gets older, shes starting to say what did I do to make Mom act like that to me? that is heartbreaking.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi Heartbroken Gram,

Your granddaughter is lucky to have you   and I'm glad you reached out for support.

shes starting to say what did I do to make Mom act like that to me?

How do you respond when she says that?

There are counterintuitive skills to handle things like this, and they must be learned and practiced. Maybe we can walk with you through some possible responses.

LnL

[Heartbroken Gram]

Hi thank you. I told her she did nothing wrong, and she never has. Shes awesome etc and just praised her. But I was wondering if anyone had some suggestions on what you tell a 5, almost 6 year old why her Mom acts that way?

[livednlearned]

It's a bit tricky when there is BPD involved.

Our instinct is to reassure the child and point out the correct reality, but that skips over a really important emotional piece.

Kids who have a BPD parent tend to receive very little emotional validation -- the normal parent-child roles get reversed, so that the child is giving emotional validation to her mother, instead of vice versa.

Validation is the cup of water to their little seedlings. 

This is not an intuitive skill and takes some learning and practice.

GD: "Why does mom hate me so much?"
GM: "Something very hurtful must have happened for you to feel that way. Do you want to talk about it?"
GD: "She got mad at me for wearing two different colored socks. I was actually wearing matching socks."
GM: "Gosh. That is so confusing. If someone said that to me, I would be so confused and hurt. How did you feel when she said that?"
GD: "I felt confused and hurt and angry, but mostly hurt."
GM: "You felt confused and hurt and angry, and mostly hurt. I would feel the same way. Does it help to sit here with me and cuddle while we talk about how you feel?"
GD: "Yes. I don't know why she gets like that."
GM: "I don't know either. I think you are very brave to tell me how you feel."

You create a validating environment so she feels her feelings are real, she is not alone, without saying anything bad about her mom. If she takes sides (grandma says mom is xyz), then she will increase the chance of escalating conflict with her mom, instead of learning to take care of herself by seeking out a caring adult to validate her reality.