she picked a fight this morning.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Wow, what just happened, it’s a little after five AM here, was scheduled to drive with my u/BPD wife to another doc apt several hours away, took off from work, all arrangements made, all set, and BANG!, and she just tore out of here without me, ok, back to the future, things have been going “well” of late, been able to head off most fights, and dysregulations nothing perfect mind you, but I think I was doing pretty good, thick skin is a good thing, ignoring little swipes, and some big ones too, biting my tongue, & standing firm, and choosing what to make a valid point over, and what not to, yes,

ok since Christmas, New Years, and even our anniversary very touchy, tentative, but I (we) made it through after last year’s complete debacle (terrible), Not since right before Thanksgiving were at this point of “anger presented”… but here I sit, she is gone off down the road (snow conditions forecasted), and I am in “clean up mode” now, now, how to get beyond this one, what just happened, what did she say, how did I react, what was this one about… and don’t take it personal,

ok, let’s take a look, S31 (autistic) takes a lunch each day to his program he attends, he packs it under supervision each night preceding, so since my other S27 who lives locally was coming over this morning prior to departure to get S31 off to his program, we all went out for dinner last night to catch up, and visit some, everything is A-ok so far, oh yeah, dear old mum (my FOO) her nemeses; is coming for her yearly visit, she is to show up the end of the week, huge trigger there!… source of MUCH discontent round here, I could go on, but not now, but understand this is a double dog red fire alarm, full blown crisis looming,

back to the story, before coffee gets cold, so we are up at a very early hour to prepare for departure, I patrol the house, and count dogs, and make sure everything is in order, note the outside temp, and everything is A-ok and tracking so far, I check on S31, I light off the coffee pot, she is up and about, she seems fine, I note the time, I get in the shower, I get out of shower, that’s when it happens, I am standing there in all my glory, towel in hand, and she says to me, “don’t ever let him S31 put Italian seasoning and vinegar on his cucumbers anymore, he makes a mess, and it stinks up his lunch box”, I am like huh, what did she just say, Martians have landed in the back yard, what… as I towel off, and reach for the old spice, I am like (in my mind)… what!, MARTIANS !… uh oh, she just came unglued partner, HANG ON, here we go !, stand by now, hold all comments, you have just entered the dysregulation zone… be careful now, just go about your business, (I run down my metal checklist) stay detached now, this IS NOT a hill to die on, (NO JADE, DON’T DO IT) just get us out the door, and down the road and she will calm down a few miles downrange, its going to be A-ok, keep it civil, as S27 will be here in a few short minutes, keep an ear out for his motorcycle… where are the dogs, what has she done the fifteen minutes

I had my back turned in the shower… I proceed to get dressed, she keeps it up about the #&%@ cucumbers, as she is putting on her make-up, even to the point of yelling at me, while she is brushing her teeth (oh yeah) I finally can no longer say nothing, she just got under my armor, and inside my head… (damn it) so I offer my ever worn out apathetic plastic apology, and I also say “I did it”… I was helping him last night, as we were running late prior to bed time, post dinner with S27, sorry it was my thing, I did it, but to no avail and she continues… my ever worn out apathetic plastic apology lies helpless on the cold floor, disregarded, so I get a little peeved, as I think to myself, wow, we are leaving in like eight minutes, and you pick this moment, before five AM to rail me about #&%@ friggen cucumbers, lunch boxes, and S31’s lunch making habits, f’ing really I think to myself, NOW !/?…

I can feel my blood pressure rising, and I can feel my anger at her welling up, and I wonder what my facial expressions looks like…so I am dressed now, and I escape the bathroom, and go to kitchen, she has already woken up S31, he is in his bathroom, she yells into the kitchen, “he’s outa there in TWO MINUTES” !… not good I think to myself, I should have gotten up earlier, I should have done this, she is mean to him in the AM when he is too slow, she has beaten me to it again… (damn it), I can feel myself slipping into my own survival mode, let’s just get out the door now, S27 is about to pull up into the driveway, got to ty and calm her down… its friggen zero dark thirty, and I am already mentally exhausted ( big frown).  She is in her “negative mood groove” now, destroy destroy destroy… I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, I wonder what she has said to him (S31 autistic), I am in the kitchen, and pour his soup, and “fix” the #&%@ cucumbers she has rinsed off in the sink, (yeah!)… and as I turn my back for ten seconds “poof” she is there, and is washing the #&%@ cucumbers again !… can you believe that !… I slip the rails now, now I am pissed, and I tell her HEY !… &%$! Leave them alone please, I got this, we got to go now,

S27 is only minutes away now, we are leaving in the same time frame, stop this now, and CALM DOWN, she retorts, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU… (deep breath, sigh)… disengage now , whatever, evaluate the situation now, you blew it mister, she will be fine by herself, I did check the weather, yeah it says snow in the state capital this afternoon, just let her go now, let it all go now, you blew it again, you walked right into it, this was an “inside job”… you were never supposed to go anyways, you never stood a chance, STOP worrying about her (caretaker), she is big girl, let her go now, distract yourself now, she is in full blown rage now, grabs up her things, and storms off to the garage, no goodbye, no little hug, no kiss my arse, nothing but a scowl across her face (due to cucumbers no less) no way, BOOM she’s out the door, and she mounts up, and guns the vehicle out of the garage, down the driveway, and “poof” she is gone… but then she returns a second or two later, I open door for her, she pushed past me, as she “forgot her coffee”… I say nothing, I just let her go…

I call S27, and tell him never mind, she picked a fight this morning, and she is gone now, so go back to sleep, he asks if everything is ok as he always does, you see this is now a family tradition, I say yes, we are fine here, she is down the road and gone now, and love you, thanks anyways, sorry about this & have a great day… then I go check on S31, and he is repeating over and over and over the “bad words he heard” this morning, this is like twenty six minutes ago now… “sheesh”… this is an old “play” she uses, not the first time this exact scenario has happened… ok, end of action analysis, this was this not about #&%@ cucumbers and Italian dressing was it?… NO it was not, she has told me all week that she would be fine on her own today, and that I needed not to go with her, but I was worried about the weather, then we started seeing he weather forecasts, so I pressed a little more, “I really don’t want you up there in the frozen slush on your own”… she went back and forth, as she always does, “what if, what do you think”, on and on, all over the map… and “you’re mother this and that”…

so here I sit, it is quiet now, she is beyond the point of no return down the highway, I won’t see her again until tonight, maybe about the time the snow reaches us here, no, this was an “inside job”, this was NOT about #&%@ cucumbers and S31’s(autistic) lunch box… this has more to do with dear old mums impending arrival, and her doc apt, and her medical condition, and maybe a few more things all floating round in her pretty little head, she just needed to cut me loose this morning, and vent off some anger, she needed to “get away”… as I have done much too good a job keeping up appearances of late…

wow, just wow… nothing new here, I should be used to this type of behaviors from her by his time (decade), and at least I now have my decoder ring (BPD), but still, one second… I am in the comfort zone, and then “poof” !… and bang !, so now I have all day to think my way beyond this one, we’ll see, what do I always say, “boundaries”, be firm, say nothing, present a strong front, let her rant, let the silent treatment begin, bring it on !, do not JADE, stay disconnected from it… thoughts anyone, I am going to go an pour me a cup of coffee now, time on deck is 05:39 local, still fresh (ouch)!, yeah, wow !

p.s. ever get a little feeling something is about to happen, reverse déjà vu maybe, you’re gut instinct speaking to you, well, I had that this morning, before any of this seven started, when I was in the kitchen, before I even turned on any of the lights, my inner voice in my head said, “you are not going with her today”… yeah, just like that, “you are not going with her today”, but I dismissed it, by now you’d think I would learn to trust that little inner voice person, as he is ALWAYS right… take it for what it’s worth I guess,

Red5

[Red5]

Wow, what just happened, it’s a little after five AM here, was scheduled to drive with my u/BPD wife to another doc apt several hours away, took off from work, all arrangements made, all set, and BANG!, and she just tore out of here without me, ok, back to the future, things have been going “well” of late, been able to head off most fights, and dysregulations nothing perfect mind you, but I think I was doing pretty good, thick skin is a good thing, ignoring little swipes, and some big ones too, biting my tongue, & standing firm, and choosing what to make a valid point over, and what not to, yes,

ok since Christmas, New Years, and even our anniversary very touchy, tentative, but I (we) made it through after last year’s complete debacle (terrible), Not since right before Thanksgiving were at this point of “anger presented”… but here I sit, she is gone off down the road (snow conditions forecasted), and I am in “clean up mode” now, now, how to get beyond this one, what just happened, what did she say, how did I react, what was this one about… and don’t take it personal,

ok, let’s take a look, S31 (autistic) takes a lunch each day to his program he attends, he packs it under supervision each night preceding, so since my other S27 who lives locally was coming over this morning prior to departure to get S31 off to his program, we all went out for dinner last night to catch up, and visit some, everything is A-ok so far, oh yeah, dear old mum (my FOO) her nemeses; is coming for her yearly visit, she is to show up the end of the week, huge trigger there!… source of MUCH discontent round here, I could go on, but not now, but understand this is a double dog red fire alarm, full blown crisis looming,

back to the story, before coffee gets cold, so we are up at a very early hour to prepare for departure, I patrol the house, and count dogs, and make sure everything is in order, note the outside temp, and everything is A-ok and tracking so far, I check on S31, I light off the coffee pot, she is up and about, she seems fine, I note the time, I get in the shower, I get out of shower, that’s when it happens, I am standing there in all my glory, towel in hand, and she says to me, “don’t ever let him S31 put Italian seasoning and vinegar on his cucumbers anymore, he makes a mess, and it stinks up his lunch box”, I am like huh, what did she just say, Martians have landed in the back yard, what… as I towel off, and reach for the old spice, I am like (in my mind)… what!, MARTIANS !… uh oh, she just came unglued partner, HANG ON, here we go !, stand by now, hold all comments, you have just entered the dysregulation zone… be careful now, just go about your business, (I run down my metal checklist) stay detached now, this IS NOT a hill to die on, (NO JADE, DON’T DO IT) just get us out the door, and down the road and she will calm down a few miles downrange, its going to be A-ok, keep it civil, as S27 will be here in a few short minutes, keep an ear out for his motorcycle… where are the dogs, what has she done the fifteen minutes

I had my back turned in the shower… I proceed to get dressed, she keeps it up about the #&%@ cucumbers, as she is putting on her make-up, even to the point of yelling at me, while she is brushing her teeth (oh yeah) I finally can no longer say nothing, she just got under my armor, and inside my head… (damn it) so I offer my ever worn out apathetic plastic apology, and I also say “I did it”… I was helping him last night, as we were running late prior to bed time, post dinner with S27, sorry it was my thing, I did it, but to no avail and she continues… my ever worn out apathetic plastic apology lies helpless on the cold floor, disregarded, so I get a little peeved, as I think to myself, wow, we are leaving in like eight minutes, and you pick this moment, before five AM to rail me about #&%@ friggen cucumbers, lunch boxes, and S31’s lunch making habits, f’ing really I think to myself, NOW !/?…

I can feel my blood pressure rising, and I can feel my anger at her welling up, and I wonder what my facial expressions looks like…so I am dressed now, and I escape the bathroom, and go to kitchen, she has already woken up S31, he is in his bathroom, she yells into the kitchen, “he’s outa there in TWO MINUTES” !… not good I think to myself, I should have gotten up earlier, I should have done this, she is mean to him in the AM when he is too slow, she has beaten me to it again… (damn it), I can feel myself slipping into my own survival mode, let’s just get out the door now, S27 is about to pull up into the driveway, got to ty and calm her down… its friggen zero dark thirty, and I am already mentally exhausted ( big frown).  She is in her “negative mood groove” now, destroy destroy destroy… I can feel my heart pounding in my chest, I wonder what she has said to him (S31 autistic), I am in the kitchen, and pour his soup, and “fix” the #&%@ cucumbers she has rinsed off in the sink, (yeah!)… and as I turn my back for ten seconds “poof” she is there, and is washing the #&%@ cucumbers again !… can you believe that !… I slip the rails now, now I am pissed, and I tell her HEY !… &%$! Leave them alone please, I got this, we got to go now,

S27 is only minutes away now, we are leaving in the same time frame, stop this now, and CALM DOWN, she retorts, I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU… (deep breath, sigh)… disengage now , whatever, evaluate the situation now, you blew it mister, she will be fine by herself, I did check the weather, yeah it says snow in the state capital this afternoon, just let her go now, let it all go now, you blew it again, you walked right into it, this was an “inside job”… you were never supposed to go anyways, you never stood a chance, STOP worrying about her (caretaker), she is big girl, let her go now, distract yourself now, she is in full blown rage now, grabs up her things, and storms off to the garage, no goodbye, no little hug, no kiss my arse, nothing but a scowl across her face (due to cucumbers no less) no way, BOOM she’s out the door, and she mounts up, and guns the vehicle out of the garage, down the driveway, and “poof” she is gone… but then she returns a second or two later, I open door for her, she pushed past me, as she “forgot her coffee”… I say nothing, I just let her go…

I call S27, and tell him never mind, she picked a fight this morning, and she is gone now, so go back to sleep, he asks if everything is ok as he always does, you see this is now a family tradition, I say yes, we are fine here, she is down the road and gone now, and love you, thanks anyways, sorry about this & have a great day… then I go check on S31, and he is repeating over and over and over the “bad words he heard” this morning, this is like twenty six minutes ago now… “sheesh”… this is an old “play” she uses, not the first time this exact scenario has happened… ok, end of action analysis, this was this not about #&%@ cucumbers and Italian dressing was it?… NO it was not, she has told me all week that she would be fine on her own today, and that I needed not to go with her, but I was worried about the weather, then we started seeing he weather forecasts, so I pressed a little more, “I really don’t want you up there in the frozen slush on your own”… she went back and forth, as she always does, “what if, what do you think”, on and on, all over the map… and “you’re mother this and that”…

so here I sit, it is quiet now, she is beyond the point of no return down the highway, I won’t see her again until tonight, maybe about the time the snow reaches us here, no, this was an “inside job”, this was NOT about #&%@ cucumbers and S31’s(autistic) lunch box… this has more to do with dear old mums impending arrival, and her doc apt, and her medical condition, and maybe a few more things all floating round in her pretty little head, she just needed to cut me loose this morning, and vent off some anger, she needed to “get away”… as I have done much too good a job keeping up appearances of late…

wow, just wow… nothing new here, I should be used to this type of behaviors from her by his time (decade), and at least I now have my decoder ring (BPD), but still, one second… I am in the comfort zone, and then “poof” !… and bang !, so now I have all day to think my way beyond this one, we’ll see, what do I always say, “boundaries”, be firm, say nothing, present a strong front, let her rant, let the silent treatment begin, bring it on !, do not JADE, stay disconnected from it… thoughts anyone, I am going to go an pour me a cup of coffee now, time on deck is 05:39 local, still fresh (ouch)!, yeah, wow !

p.s. ever get a little feeling something is about to happen, reverse déjà vu maybe, you’re gut instinct speaking to you, well, I had that this morning, before any of this seven started, when I was in the kitchen, before I even turned on any of the lights, my inner voice in my head said, “you are not going with her today”… yeah, just like that, “you are not going with her today”, but I dismissed it, by now you’d think I would learn to trust that little inner voice person, as he is ALWAYS right… take it for what it’s worth I guess,

Red5

[Enabler]

What would the resultant effect of sending her a message saying

"Hope it goes okay today, will be thinking of you, I'm here if you need me xx"

?

[Red5]

What would the resultant effect of sending her a message saying

"Hope it goes okay today, will be thinking of you, I'm here if you need me xx"

?

I do not think she would reply, but I did send, "How is the weather, are you alright, please be safe."

When she is "raging", silent treatment (ST) is the mode of choice.

Same old stuff, never ends... .up and down, down and out, black and white, .all or nothing, .just the other day we were holding hands in Church, and she says stuff like, "you're cute, think I'll keep you"... .I used to think that was pretty cool, but now I just say back to her, "remember that next time your pissed off at me"... .today it was cucumbers and Italian dressing, wonder what it will be next time... .seems she never runs out of "material"... .I mean really, who gives a flying monkey what or how is in the lunch box, that is worth a total meltdown... .yeeesh !

I get so damn tired of this crap... .it is truly exhausting.

Red5

[Enabler]

"remember that next time your pissed off at me"

Not wanting to teach you to suck eggs... .but why say this? Okay, I know why you say this, because it gives you an enormous amount of gratification and when things are good... .better... .we feel we need to make up for the times when we’ve frankly felt humiliated. But frankly isn’t this slamming your Hampton (rhyming slang) in a drawer? You are punishing good behaviour. Why say it?

Sending the text is a good thing, calling would have been a disaster I’m sure, but for me, that text is about you not her... .it says, “I’m a good guy and I don’t have to play your games.

I’ve read a zillion things on ST on here. A common theme seems to be to act as if it doesn’t bother you. It fails to be effective if it doesn’t make your blood boil, which I know it does mine. Some suggest fishing to see if the freeze is thawing.

Good luck tonight, happy faces everyone!

[SunandMoon]

I've got to say I love the way you wrote that, Red5, the descriptions are brilliant! It's crazy-making, I know, but at least you have a sense of humour.

Good on you for sending the text! For me it's important to stick to my values and be a decent person, no matter how my pwBPD is acting. You were worried about her driving in that weather and showed her you care even though she's being a b*. Of course, she won't respond but kindness does get in there, I believe.

I do agree with what Enabler said above. Why punish the good stuff? You want more of that! I     know the feeling of why you said it but maybe next time try squeezing her hand and blowing her a kiss. Build intimacy... .

I hope you're not getting the ST now but you probably are. ST really sucks, we all know. The only way I can handle it is by acting normal and still talking (but limiting contact too). You know the real reason behind why she is acting this way so, as much as you can, step back and let her deal with it.

As much as I hate ST, I've learned to turn it around and use the time to do things I want to do. I don't know what you enjoy doing but use this time for yourself. It's really stressful, childish and hurtful, so be extra kind to yourself now too.

[Cat Familiar]

Not sure why you were apologizing for the Italian dressing on the cucumbers. And it's his lunch, so why is she rinsing off the cucumbers?
And what's the problem with his lunchbox smelling like Italian dressing?

I really get a feel for your life if this sort of thing is emblematic. What would happen if you totally ignored her behavior when she's obsessing about something like this?

I certainly can't see where you owe her an apology. Isn't this a case of trying to "validate the invalid"?

[formflier]

Without knowing the ability of S31 to function, I'll stay big picture in analysis.

You and wife are in a control battle about how best to "love" S31... .or "care for".

Literally... .you are battling over his nutrition (although unlikely either of you are intellectually processing it that way)

Engaging in a direct battle will not end well for anyone.

Can S31 fix his own lunch, perhaps with supervision?  Maybe everyone will be shocked and he uses blue cheese... .

Or skips dressing all together... .

If she continues to "undo" the lunch he fixes, then you'll have to find some place for him to lock his lunch.

Yes... she will rage... let her... .

Let him do his lunch... .

Everybody gets to do their own emotional thing.

next:

Getting confronted while neeeekid... .truly reveals a lot about ourselves.   (still early in my coffee consumption... .the best humor I good do now... )

I would suggest going on offense (yep... while neekid).  Sometimes a dysreg can be "broken" by something funny or completely... .whackily unexpected.

So... a sexual advance or crude remark (I mean why else would she approach you while nakey... unless she wanted... .you know... .)

Perhaps ask her if she is using the "carrot and stick approach" to making your morning misearable... .(seriously... .most of my advice is to hush... but that is just too precious... .)

FF



 

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi Red5, wow!  That is a lot to take in.  No wonder you are exhausted.  It is exhausting. 

I agree with SunandMoon, on writing the text.  Good for you.  Once I really got in touch with my core values, then I stopped (mostly) responding in kind.  I try to stay true to my value of being consistent, dependable and truthful.  Also, I do love my husband and do not just turn it off because he is upset about something.    So I also text even when there has been a dust up.  It’s nice to be able to text because you can express yourself and no response is required. 

I noticed in your initial post there are a lot of “maybe I should have... .”. Something I have trying to cut down on is second guessing myself and saying, “I should have done this or that”. Instead, I am just trying to accept that I am human and often do the exactly right thing, but sometimes not.  And that is okay.  It has really helped me to cut myself some slack like that.  It sounds like you are overly responsible and committed to the well being of others.  I have been like that, too.  Worried and caring for everyone to the detriment of my own well being.  I am making progress on that and feeling better emotionally and physically. 

Sorry things are tough, I know that it can get better.  Peace to you, Mustbe

[Greencane]

I've got to say I love the way you wrote that, Red5, the descriptions are brilliant! It's crazy-making, I know, but at least you have a sense of humour.

I totally agree, it was like having someone narrate my life!

And I also commend you on sending that text. This marriage has taught me more about patience, tolerance, empathy, and more patience than I ever thought I could have. Being able to withstand that amount of pushing away and staying engaged and even supportive is no small task. I actually find it draining as h*ll but it's good for our relationship and most times I think it's the right thing to do. There's a fine line there between supporting her and reinforcing bad behavior and I still have trouble finding it.

Your writing shows that you have a huge amount of insight into BPD and your relationship, so kudos for that. Sorry that it has had to come at such a high price.

[Red5]

99,

Thank you everyone for your responses, and the great analysis, and feedback, u/BPD wife returned home later on that day, and when she stepped into the house from the garage, we made eye contact, and I asked a one word question “snow?”, with that she replied, “it was ok, I was in and out of the winter mix all day”… so she got back home alright, I do worry too much eh’… she seemed fine when she got back into the house, as about twelve hours had passed, so I came on a bit stronger, and said “so, how was the trip otherwise”… what I do when this (scenario) occurs, is I press on as if the ruckus / dysregulation / blowup did not ever even happen, thus removing any pressure from her to be on the defensive when we inevitably cross paths again, sometimes it works, and sometimes it does not, but I try to stay consistent (predictable) for her… so I offered my best and most cheerful welcome home, and welcome aboard… it worked this time! (sweeping right hand across forehead, and “whew”)…

So she became very talkative (?)… and I got the full debrief of her apt, and her activities as she made her way back home, and I did not ask for this, she offered it (communication), she said she stopped two towns away and shopped, and had lunch with a former coworker… I replied, “that’s nice”, and immediately deployed diversion, and counter measures for good measure… “so, are you hungry, is there anything I can get you?”… another tried and true de-escalation tactic… and I continued to launch into yet even more diversionary, subject changing, and thought provoking conversations… “it’s getting pretty cold outside, it won’t be long until the snow will start to fall here”, “maybe three to five inches by the morning”… and I continued to give her a quick blow by blow of my activates during the day, .I did this, and that, and ensured this and that, and I saw that this needed to be done, and I picked this up from the store, and I have put this there, and that over there… next thing you know (poof!), she isn’t at all mad anymore…  & "whew" !

In the end, we agreed to forgo Italian dressing, and seasoning on #1 son (S31 autistic) cucumbers in his lunch (concession), with the peace offering and promises that he gets to make a milkshake a few nights per week, and I ensured myself, and doubled up on my thought process, that this is yet another trigger item to her, for what ever reason Lord only knows... .yes, the ever growing long list of her red button items that I need to avoid, and once again, with a little concession, and even more increase in environmental awareness, I can try to avoid this happening again for a while hopefully, like a firewall in your operating system, that is under constant attack from an outside chain of “code”…  

I try to stay cheerful, even playful with her most of the time, even when she is mad at me, or acting out, .but “water off my back” so to speak, I try to let her know that she is always increasingly attractive to me, and that I am there to protect her, and ensure that she is in a safe place, I have to be always on my game, to foresee and anticipate, as the years pass, I learn more and more, I know what NOT to say to her, what NOT to share with her, what NOT to engage with her in "neutral conversations", .what to stay away from (triggers) is an ongoing and evolving thing... .and as I become more and more in tune to her (u/BPD) behaviors I think to myself that I am going to be ok in this (decoder ring)… but sometimes do I get caught short, and I have to quickly recover my mental balance in order to persevere in the moment, truly, it is exhausting, and I am always looking for new ways to keep my “inner balance”, to feed my own soul, and to ensure that I do take care of myself first, so that I can survive in this,

Red5

[Enabler]

Strong and powerful performance Red5, well executed.

Do you feel emotionally better, worse or neutral after that experience?

Not to put words in your mouth but although I think you’ll admit you could have dealt with the initial flash point better (although hindsight is a wonderful thing and if someone wants a fight they are likely to get it)... .but, you analysed well, rationalised well and executed the recovery plan like a legend. I’ve often felt I’m down down down down down with each progressive incident. I’m not sure this is the case for you here... .you bossed it and used the tools in your arsenal like a samurai.

What’s your thoughts?

[Cat Familiar]

I try to stay cheerful, even playful with her most of the time, … even when she is mad at me, or acting out, ... .but “water off my back” so to speak, … I try to let her know that she is always increasingly attractive to me, and that I am there to protect her, and ensure that she is in a safe place, … I have to be always on my game, to foresee and anticipate, … as the years pass, I learn more and more, I know what NOT to say to her, what NOT to share with her, what NOT to engage with her in "neutral conversations", ... .what to stay away from (triggers) is an ongoing and evolving thing ... .and as I become more and more in tune to her (u/BPD) behaviors I think to myself that I am going to be ok in this (decoder ring) … but sometimes do I get caught short, and I have to quickly recover my mental balance in order to persevere in the moment, … truly, it is exhausting, and I am always looking for new ways to keep my “inner balance”, to feed my own soul, and to ensure that I do take care of myself first, so that I can survive in this,

   Yep, keeping upbeat and solid! Good work!

It can be exhausting, that's for sure. What I've found is that my job is getting easier, as lots of these strategies that you've implemented are becoming more second-nature, rather than me having to think about them. Also I find that I'm using them with everybody, which gives me a good opportunity to practice them even more.

Yes, taking care of one's own inner balance and feeding one's soul unfortunately often gets neglected when dealing with a high conflict partner. And it's soo important! Good job!

[Red5]

Strong and powerful performance Red5, well executed.

Do you feel emotionally better, worse or neutral after that experience?

I feel emotionally neutral, as this is a continuing game.

There are periods of "good", then a hard left turn to really bad, .but the thing is, I am getting used to it, like my u/BPD(w) is like that drunk aunt that never disappoints, never fails to slip her rails at the exact right moment ().

Quote from CAT... .It can be exhausting, that's for sure. What I've found is that my job is getting easier, as lots of these strategies that you've implemented are becoming more second-nature, rather than me having to think about them.


As I have said many times, I am more and more slipping into the full time caretaker mode of existence, getting so I really cannot have even a serious relationship talk with her anymore, I have to edit each and every sentence, before I speak.

What a bummer really, maybe more of her "handler" than her husband... .always on guard here, waiting for the next event.

Lets see, in the last 24 hours, it was too many pecans, yes I said pecans in the kitchen, S31 (special needs) and his afternoon mentor picked up pecans and brought them home, and she slipped her rail over that (whew boy & really)... .ping ping ping, intercept, divert, "calm down"... .then an amazon order did not show on time, and she slipped her rail over that, .too bad for the person on the phone, then this morning, more about the pecans... .never a dull moment ha ha ha ?

Yes, I am now a handler, a caretaker, .but she is good just enough to keep me interested (hmm), .exhausting (FOG).

But I no longer take anything personal, this is the key !... .that said, I am in the strong position here, I am the primary wage earner, I pay all the bills, , I am the one who provides everything to the home functions/operations/sustainment... .

I wonder how long I can keep this up?

Sarcastic humored responses seem to work the best for now, .although last evening, when she stuck that wooden spoon in my face, and started talking to me like I was ten, I did immediately correct her, and said, I am fifty two, and I am not ten, you will address me with the respect I deserve, am I clear !... .yeah, it worked, and she calmed down for the rest of the evening... .and then this morning, she started in on me again about the pecans I had placed in a bowl on the counter, I let her run on, and then I pulled her plug, as if I was correcting a grumpy child, .I said, if you are done, I need to complete my preparations in order to depart for work, if you love me, come and give me a hug, or lose me forever, .she said well go then, so I did... .crazy woman!... .pecans... REALLY  !

Red5

[Red5]

.

[Red5]

Wow!... .just wow!, what an evening !... .I am like wow !... .just when you thought you’ve seen it, heard it all, .reporting to you from you at the hot landing zone... .gotta go for now, she is in rare form... .wow, this one is for the record books... ./wow/please pass the grog !   Red5

[ozmatoz]

Must be something in the air. I got quite the treatment this morning too. Pretty sure every country is putting up signs with my picture to warn everyone of the evil that lurks within me  

How are you this morning?  Did you make it till sunrise?

[Red5]

Must be something in the air. I got quite the treatment this morning too. Pretty sure every country is putting up signs with my picture to warn everyone of the evil that lurks within me  

How are you this morning?  Did you make it till sunrise?

Good morning Oz!

I am ok, and hope you are as well,

Wow, what night, .another "never saw that one coming event"... .I thought I was still on the post pecan punishment train, but when I got home, I walked into another "hullabaloo" (smh).

Quick synopsis of event, S31 (special needs/sn) and his mentor (M) arrived home ahead of me, and it was brought up that next weekend is an event in which his program participates here in town, he has participated the preceding several years, but SWMBO (she who must be obeyed ), must have still been irked about the pecan incident, so she said no, without even consulting me, not sure what else was said between M and u/BPD(w) before I arrived, but when I got home, M met me in the driveway on her way out, and asked me if (w) was angry about something, .I think they call this catching "fleas"... .ie' when the anger issues escape the home, and get on other people (effect) outside the family circle (?).

My guard was down a little after just having driven home from work, and I was in a pre-disposed mood, anticipating more irk in regards to pecans, and I said ( innocently ) that "she is always mad about something", and the "she never runs out of material"... .I told her not to worry about it, and that I would talk to (w) later, and that the event was still quite a few days away, and that "anything can happen at this point"... .yeah, "fleas".

So I breached the outer door, and KABOOM !

She is mad... .no furious... .blah blah blah this and that, and... .and... .she was sure that I had spoken ill of her to M, and I knew I was in for it and this was going to be a long night, and that no amount of "grownup discussion" was going to dissuade her on her quest to come completely unglued yet again, over a seemingly trivial matter... .I attempted to ignore, and escape, but keeping in mind that S31(sn) was right there, .escape was not an option, what a "spot" to be in (yet again), .she then began to dysregulate even further, started yelling, and using the "B" word to describe M, and S31(sn) heard it all, .and it was about then I had all I could take, as there was no way to escape, and I pretty much lost it completely (sigh )... .oh well,

The precipices of the evenings events was that she picked up her iphone, and said she was going to tell M off over this, the "B" word was used again... .I of course said OH H311 NO !... .OH NO YOU DON'T !... .DON'T YOU DO IT !

So she dashes off to the bedroom, and slams the door, and locks it, I pursued (mistake I know  )... .but I was NOT going to let her text that to my S31(sn)'s M... .she would not unlock the door, so I "removed" the door from its frame, .yeah, absolute mayhem is ensuing at this point.

I confronted her, and she gleefully says, "I did it"... .I am like wow, "WHY DID YOU DO THAT!"

And I started clapping my hands, and I said, "great shoe dear, what a performance, you should take this act on the road, BRAVO BRAVO BRAVO... .and I stomped off to take care of my S31(sn)... .

Later on, I said to her, "I don't believe you really did that, so show it to me"... .and she says, " I didn't do it" (f-ing REALLY! ).

So she got what she wanted, she got in my head again, and set me off... .wow  

This is a new behavior trait, to actually go after outsiders, people we have to interact with almost daily, friends, .beyond family, (strangers not included ie' wait staff on or off the phone, or internet order clerk personnel) and then recycle all of that venom and inject said mayhem right back into the home, not to mention hurt (mentally) my S31(sn)... .who is completely unable to process any of the bravo sierra... ."why is (w) mad at M dad"... .he asked over and over... .this is terrible, absolutely terrible and destructive, and for no good a reason imho.

But wait there's more, .we had ordered that new desk for S31(sn)'s room, and it did not show up on time (her issue), .so she called them back, and "gave then a piece of her mind", .and cancelled it all together (really!), oh the drama with her... .so all the time we spent shopping for it, wasted, .I am losing a lot of time here of late to the bravo sierra... .and I am running pretty short on readily available tools to deal with it, .I need a "reset",

"They" are going to do what they are going to do... .I know,

So here I sit at work, typing up the after action report, once again... .once again, .once again... .

Hang in the Oz, and have a good day, Red5

[ozmatoz]

Just utterly frustrating.  My uBPDw likes to shake her fleas around too.  Always threatening to "tell our friends"... .(about sh-t they already know).  Lately she's been trying to drag adult topics out in front of D11.  My guess is twofold... .either to completely en-flame me because she knows thats a real no-no or in hopes that D11 (who is practically a parrot) will repeat some of her BS to others like her counselors or nurse at school.  She (w) is using D11 as a tool in her smear campaign.

Getting pretty ugly over here in this camp.

Sending you good vibes Red!

-Oz

[Red5]

... .either to completely en-flame me because she knows thats a real no-no

Hey Oz !

Yes, that iphone mean text threat, that's a new one, .at least to an outsider whom we (I) depend on to help out with my S31(sn), .she did character assassinate me one time via iphone to the entire FOO (in-laws) one time last year, an epic performance I must say ()... .I think I was doing ok, even as she was ranting and raging right after I came in the door last evening, I had the tools out !... .I was anticipating, and figuring out my best response, course of action, trying to "remain calm"... ., but then she started to threaten to send that text to M, .she "got me",

Now I got to "fix" that door, .I am sitting here at work, thinking that its going to be another "event" when M and S31(sn) get home this afternoon, I'd better be there to ensure that nothing too crazy happens, but I got a really bad feeling Brother Oz,

It was one for the record books for sure, new tactics, and an all out cussing / shouting event, .and as well devaluation, and blaming, and telling me she does in fact hate me ()... .I know, don't take it personal, and I do not think its over yet, this one will go on for a while 

Getting so as a guy can't catch a break around here ?

Frustrating, and now embarrassing (fleas) smh... .

Sending good vibes your way too Oz !,

Red5

[ozmatoz]

Yes, that iphone mean text threat, that's a new one, .

Get ready for this. Now that she's seen its effective... .watch out.  I think texting is the worst thing in the world when it comes to BPD.  My D11 has special needs too so I know how important keeping my phone with me is.  Problem is that uBPDw KNOWS I have to look at it when messages come in in case its an emergency.  This give her FREE reign to attack and harass me non-stop.  Every. Damn. Day.  She hits up my FOO once a week via text nonsense. 

If this is a new tactic I suggest a preemptive strike or have some responses ready to go.  My T told me that in all the years she practiced she has never seen such abuse via texting... .even from the teenage girls she councils!

The best thing is really to ignore but its hard when important "family" things are mixed into the nonsense.  Get that decoder ring ready and just be BIFF on the reply and let the rest hit the floor.

Good luck with the door!
-Oz

[Enabler]

Red5, sounds like you have a battle on your hands there, a gift that certainly keeps on giving. I’m worried for you. Why? Because you are kicking doors in. You don’t strike me as a punching wall, angry chap, but here you are kicking a door off it’s honges... .I have visions of some cop on a raid kicking the door in. But you aren’t busting some drug dealer or rescuing a hostage, you are stopping your wife from sending a text!

Now before you think I’m not on your side, I get you’re in a position where W is about to totally f up your necessary support network for your son who needs the help. She about to potentially upset a poor woman who’s no idea what’s about to hit her when she receives utterly unwarranted abuse from your W... .there are significant knock on effects of her behaviour for others.

BUT... .

What if she was behind the door? What if you knocked her out? What if she called the cops on you? She didn’t send the text and it was her word against yours that she ever threatened it. Your experience might be different but my W has absolutely no hesitation when it comes to moving me from rescuer or victim to perpetrator and I ALWAYS end up there. She would most certainly call the cops and she would most certainly think she was very much justified and very much come out feeling the victim. What happpens to S31 when you’re banned from the house with a restraining order?

What would the consequences of the text be? Should you rescue her?
I would rescue, it’s hard not to, it’s painful because like it or not you will be impacted and if not this time, next time she will make sure you are.

[ozmatoz]

Enabler you make a great point.  Sometimes you have to rescue because you know its for the greater good... .  I have countless times had to pick up the pieces or finish the job in order to keep the family unit running.  There are times when I should have let uBPDw feel her consequences, but I certainly can't let her f- up the kids or my life even worse... .  Its a fine line sometimes.

[Enabler]

What’s the line though? We have boundaries that define our actions in response to their behaviour, but should one of those be, I will not risk being arrested to prevent you doing something that materially harms other family members or the public?  These are questions we should not have to answer... .but this is where we are, so we do. Would you kick the door in Red5 if it happened again? We’re you in control of your actions?

[Red5]

What’s the line though? We have boundaries that define our actions in response to their behaviour, but should one of those be, I will not risk being arrested to prevent you doing something that materially harms other family members or the public?  These are questions we should not have to answer... .but this is where we are, so we do. Would you kick the door in Red5 if it happened again? We’re you in control of your actions?

No I would not, that was a big mistake, .and I do have too much to lose, u/BPD(w) is my second marriage, .now looking back at the first one, which lasted 22 years, and it was pretty awful the last 11 years of that one, you’d think I would have learnt a thing or two, lots of war stories to tell about my first marriage ... .also, W is the step mom to my S31(sn) we have no children together, all of our children are grown adults, save S31(sn)... .yes, I pretty much lost control last evening, a bad show for sure... .I now understand, after 7 years of marriage to dash two, that she has the capability to really bring out the bad side of me... .I cried rivers over my first wife, I was severely codependent... .this one, the complete opposite... .if she anounced tonight that she was leaving me for the doctor down the street, I would offer her my hat and coat so she wouldn’t be cold on her way over... .so what does this say about me, am I broken, unable to really have a relationship, marriage now, .I feel more like I am taking care of her, than loving her, I am always waiting now for her to have another “episode”... .I am tired of this, and I want this to stop, I would like some peace and quiet in my life now, .yeah, .no more rescue for me, I will just have to deal with what ever she destroys... .a sad state of affairs... .and there is no winning here, just surviving... .Red5

[Enabler]

Clearly I'm in no position to tell you that "surviving" is no way to live since that's exactly what I am doing. That said, I am seeing an improvement since I'm more amused by my wife's behaviors now and more comfortable with ALL outcomes... .and when one becomes comfortable with ALL (but death and imprisonment) I feel limited need to control the outcomes of her actions. It doesn't mean that I am not disgusted by some of them, embarrassed by some of them or inconvenienced by some of them, it means that I am not burdened by any of them, I don't feel any guilt or shame for any of the things she says to me or the things she does to try and hurt me.

I have 3 daughters, the D4 has a penchant for drawing on walls and doors when she is cross about something. It's kinda like a 4yr olds F U to Mum and Dad (although Dad id the one that always scrubs it off). I used to get mad with her, smack bottoms etc etc, it didn't work, she still did it. She has this inner feeling of vengeance and has to let it rip on something. She feels ashamed of it once she's done it, especially once D7 and D9 have reported back to me as soon as I walk in the door from work. I no longer yell at her, smack bottoms or send her to her bedroom, that just meant I became the bad guy, I ask her to stop hurting our home in a calm kind way. At the moment it's scribbling on paintwork, maybe one day it's something more serious with serious consequences but she will learn eventually.

[formflier]

Red5,

The grog will fix everything... .

After that... .let's talk about tactics.

She likely thinks she has a new one to "get you".  So... realize that and stop discussing texts... at all.

You also need to "switch things up".  And put boundaries on when you will engage with her (perhaps later we can talk about not engaging at all... .but for now... it appears she will be engaged with).

So... .if you come home and she is "in your face", schedule a time to talk later.  If she doesn't agree... .get your son and go.  Come back at the time you said you would talk.

Right now... .it appears to me that she is the one "in charge of conflict"... and she is spanking you pretty good with it.  Fluster her by taking charge... .schedule it... limit it.  "Hey babe... I've got 5 minutes, can we discuss pecans... .and cucumbers... .and boogers... ."

Thoughts?

Remember... .many of our natural instincts call for a "direct assault"  (not good for you), reflect on what you have been taught about figuring our when to go straight in and when to flank in the Corps.  You mind needs to go to flanking maneuvers.
FF

[Red5]

Recycle... .smh ?... .just going with it, hope everyone is having a good weekend, will write more later as time and privicey permits, Red5