She moved on before we were even over

[Non1041]

Hello,

I'm currently in a situation with my ex-partner of 2 years who has BPD and unsure of what to expect. Our relationship always went from her telling me how much she loves me and never wants to be with anyone else to texting other guys that are interested in her whenever we get into a fight.
The last week it has been a train wreck. We haven't been happy in our relationship for the last month or two, and she began distancing herself. We started therapy and she is taking antidepressants which has helped with her mood swings. We decided to give each other space to be our own people because we became so consumed with one another - but decided to still be together and not see other people.
While we were doing this, I continued asking her to stop messaging this guy and she insisted that he meant nothing and she would let him know to give her space. But she never did.
I recognize I didn't give her the space to be her own person like she had asked of me. I just wanted to trust her because she has cheated on every one of her ex's and cheated on me in the very beginning of our relationship and my gut was telling me something was up with him.
She came home one night and had went on a date with him. Wouldn't tell me anything. Just said she is done with me and that its none of my business anymore.
Then later came downstairs to console me and tell me shes not over me she just doesn't know what it is with this guy or what shes doing. She still sees a future with me. He just makes her feel stable and she likes that her actions don't affect his life like it does mine. Now they are sleeping together and she has moved out.
But part of me still wants to believe that this is just an attention thing and it will blow over?
I want to know if I should expect them to be together for awhile.
We were on the right track with therapy and medication and now it seems like its all lost and she has fallen back into her destructive behaviors.
I want to believe that she will miss me and want to fix things - that this thing with him won't last.

EDIT: this has all happened in the last few days. She moved out yesterday.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi Non1041,

Sorry to hear how painful and difficult your last days have been! That is a lot to handle in a short time.

These situations are unpredictable to say the least. She could stay with him, or leave right? Things could blow up and she'll want to run from him too. The hallmark of this illness is "having unstable relationships"

I notice you are here on "Bettering or Reversing"... .so you are hoping things might reverse, but there is no sign at the moment that could happen?

As hard as it is, first and foremost, it is time to focus on you. I know that is not easy, sometimes we get so used to focusing on our partners we lose ourselves and we are so caught up in keeping them happy, or just keeping them at all... .we neglect our own lives. So, I would personally suggest to seize what time and space you have to look at yourself and see what you need/want in life and then start planning for how to get there. Is that something that interests you? What do you see as your current options to respond to the changes that are happening?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Non1041,

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. Have you heard from your ex since she left?

I know it's hard to hear but it's hard to say whether she will be back or not. Usually in these situations the best advice is to just give her a little time to see how things play out and to work on helping yourself recover and heal during your time apart. What can you do to take your mind off her?

[Non1041]

Hi Non1041,

Sorry to hear how painful and difficult your last days have been! That is a lot to handle in a short time.

These situations are unpredictable to say the least. She could stay with him, or leave right? Things could blow up and she'll want to run from him too. The hallmark of this illness is "having unstable relationships"

I notice you are here on "Bettering or Reversing"... .so you are hoping things might reverse, but there is no sign at the moment that could happen?

As hard as it is, first and foremost, it is time to focus on you. I know that is not easy, sometimes we get so used to focusing on our partners we lose ourselves and we are so caught up in keeping them happy, or just keeping them at all... .we neglect our own lives. So, I would personally suggest to seize what time and space you have to look at yourself and see what you need/want in life and then start planning for how to get there. Is that something that interests you? What do you see as your current options to respond to the changes that are happening?

wishing you peace, pearl.

Yes, I think I am hoping that things might reverse and we will be back together in the future.

Everything that has happened has really hurt and I'm not ready to see her or be with her any time soon, but at the same time, I know she's not a bad person and I want to believe that after all this blows over we can be back together in the future when we learn to find ourselves again.

I spoke with her today about it and she said she wanted to reconnect in a few months after the dust settles and she has her own life under control. I guess I just want to believe that this new fling of hers isn't anything serious or if she is just using it as a coping mechanism to our relationship falling apart?

I haven't really been through a break-up where I have had this much attachment to the person. How do you deal with not thinking about the person constantly? I feel like she is unaffected by the whole thing and I am just stuck in limbo missing her.
I have been trying to do things I used to enjoy - but I feel like I'm on edge not knowing what to expect from her. She has said a lot of things while doing the opposite throughout our relationship.

Maybe I am just looking for immediate answers when there isn't one ?

[pearlsw]

I haven't really been through a break-up where I have had this much attachment to the person. How do you deal with not thinking about the person constantly? I feel like she is unaffected by the whole thing and I am just stuck in limbo missing her.
I have been trying to do things I used to enjoy - but I feel like I'm on edge not knowing what to expect from her. She has said a lot of things while doing the opposite throughout our relationship.

Maybe I am just looking for immediate answers when there isn't one ?

Hi Non1041,

I can relate to your pain! I had a one year relationship that it was shockingly difficult to get over. I think when things end it feels like it was before it's time, was not your choice... .it's extra hard. I was totally blindsided.

What do you feel is the best approach for you in recovering from this? Are you keeping your heart open a bit?

wishing you well, pearl.