She Met My Ex, Why is She Upset?

[Chippy]

So, my pwBPD and I are not currently together, we are trying to figure out where to go from here (basically she is exploring things with other guys, and I am trying to learn how to cope with things).  We are in regular contact and are in a "friends with complications" area.

The other day, she happened to meet an ex of mine, someone who I dated for a month or two when I was in college... .15 years ago. (I'm not sure how they figured it out, I guess they kind of hit it off and were sharing pictures, and my ex saw a picture of me and said "Hey, I know him".  So I got a call from my friend in tears about it, and since then she refuses to respond when my ex texted her, and won't even go to the place where she ran into my ex (her church)

It's obvious that she is very upset, but I truly don't understand why.  I can understand how it might be awkward and uncomfortable, but bursting into tears at even the thought of seeing her.  I'm not trying to say her reaction is wrong, I am trying to support and reassure her, but am struggling because I am just so confused.  

Has anyone ever run into a similar situation, or have any thoughts on this?

Thanks,
Chippy

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[valet]

If she's not open to the idea of communicating her feelings, I say leave it be. Maybe she will in the future, maybe she won't. Either way, it's not your job to figure out why, as much as it seems like second nature to want to help.

What do you think?

[RDMaggie]

This likely has to do with distorted thinking, jealously, and extreme emotional reaction that is associated with BPD.

A few personal examples from my friend with BPD:

1. When we were 16 she found that her boyfriend wasn't a virgin. She fell apart, she screamed and cried, she chewed him out and then gave him the ST amongst other things. He didn't cheat on her, and he never hid the fact that he had been with other girls. The girl he had been with was prior to meeting her, and there was no chance they'd ever run into one another again, as we lived in Ohio and she lived in Florida. As teens we all were baffled over her reaction.

2. A few years ago one of her brothers took his family on a vacation to the beach and invited their father to join them to help watch their 4 kiddos. She was infuriated that she and her other brother weren't invited. She kept repeating that he had posted on FB about being excited for his FAMILY VACATION, but she and their other sibling had been excluded. When I suggested that by family he meant his immediate family and mentioned that he had invited their father only to help with the kids, she shut down and stopped talking to me. I gave her examples, such as my husbands brothers go on vacation and take my MIL but we do not expect to be invited (actually it would be weird if we were).

Anyway, my point is, her emotional reactions are often very extreme. What a typical person might shrug at or feel a twinge or jealousy, she's raging and punishing. This is common behavior with BPD.

[Chippy]

If she's not open to the idea of communicating her feelings, I say leave it be. Maybe she will in the future, maybe she won't. Either way, it's not your job to figure out why, as much as it seems like second nature to want to help.

What do you think?

Yeah, and thank you for that reminder. I do tend to fall into "how can I fix this" mode and might need to just let it go. (though the analytical part of me hates having absolutely no understanding :-) )

[Chippy]

This likely has to do with distorted thinking, jealously, and extreme emotional reaction that is associated with BPD.

A few personal examples from my friend with BPD:

1. When we were 16 she found that her boyfriend wasn't a virgin. She fell apart, she screamed and cried, she chewed him out and then gave him the ST amongst other things. He didn't cheat on her, and he never hid the fact that he had been with other girls. The girl he had been with was prior to meeting her, and there was no chance they'd ever run into one another again, as we lived in Ohio and she lived in Florida. As teens we all were baffled over her reaction.

Wow, I could be the guy in #1, except I was 30 and not a teenager. My SO with BPD really struggled with the fact that I had been with a couple other women in my life, even though she had led a... .let's call it a"promiscuous lifestyle"

Anyway, my point is, her emotional reactions are often very extreme. What a typical person might shrug at or feel a twinge or jealousy, she's raging and punishing. This is common behavior with BPD.

That might be the key, I often try to analyze things, but it's possible that the extremeness of her reaction is simply BPD (which of course ties into a lot of other things, but not so much this actual situation)

Thanks :-)

[valet]

Yeah, and thank you for that reminder. I do tend to fall into "how can I fix this" mode and might need to just let it go. (though the analytical part of me hates having absolutely no understanding :-) )

I get that. I can tend towards the 'fixer' mentality myself in certain situations.

It's ok to want to understand the reason behind certain behavior (the 'why', but not for the reason of trying to fix or change another person. Understanding is there to help give us some emotional distance from things, so that we calmly make the right decision for us, and not our partner. In turn, they need to learn to make the right decision for them.

This takes a lot of practice, and along with it a requisite level of commitment not to feed the toxic drama cycle that we can find ourselves in during these types of relationships. Now that you two are split up, it might be a good time to focus on your own behaviors, styles of communication, and conflict resolution. The only people that we can change are ourselves.

Check out the Boundaries and Values thread. I think it's a good place to start!

[SlyQQ]

Honestly Chippy, you are not allowed to have other people in your life ( anyone ,ever )

People with BPD generally realize this is an untenable position but it doesn't stop them feeling this way.