A question that's been eating away at me

[steelwork]

My ex told me he'd gotten over me by running and doing CBT. He said he'd never had to work so hard to get over someone, but he'd done it and he was proud and he deserved his new happiness with the new girl. (Who he didn't tell me about until after the fact. I didn't know he was doing all this getting over me until it was "done." He said he'd decided it wouldn't work, and done all this, and la and so, over me.

What bothers me is this feeling I have that this could not be real. Can you really get over someone that way if you really love them? My uncertainty about this opens the door to feeling like maybe all this is a mirage, and he still loves me, and maybe he'll come to his senses.

You see where this goes.

Ugh.

But tell me--just generally--do you think physical exercise and CBT can get you over someone? Wouldn't there be unresolved feelings?

[Driver]

I've been doing quite intensive physical exercises for two years now and still haven't completely gotten over. So, I guess each individual is different. But as far as I am concerned, it is difficult to get over when you think you've lost the one you thought was the right one for you.

Anyway, if you need to get over, I'm here in case you need some cuddling 

[steelwork]

I've been doing quite intensive physical exercises for two years now and still haven't completely gotten over. So, I guess each individual is different. But as far as I am concerned, it is difficult to get over when you think you've lost the one you thought was the right one for you.

Anyway, if you need to get over, I'm here in case you need some cuddling 

 

[SlyQQ]

What many people don't realize is that people with BPD also peridically split themselves black and white . Hence the instability

This mentality allows them to quickly do complete u-turns at the drop of a hat to fix the percieved-imagined problem. Try an keep up with it if you like ( but that way lies madness? )

[Driver]

I've been doing quite intensive physical exercises for two years now and still haven't completely gotten over. So, I guess each individual is different. But as far as I am concerned, it is difficult to get over when you think you've lost the one you thought was the right one for you.

Anyway, if you need to get over, I'm here in case you need some cuddling 

Lol  

[Penelope35]

Hey Steelwork

I really don't think you should burden yourself with trying to come to an understanding about something specific he said. Rather try to think of this in the context of the whole relationship. I really don't think what he said can be justified in any way... .you know how they just say stuff when they feel a certain way at a given moment and then have a different perception a day later... .Or how they create their own realities to fit their "victim" scenarios and avoid feelings of guilt and regret. I am sure you can think of many different examples of similar behavior throughout your relationship with him... .I hope you 

don't let something like that eat you away because I honestly don't think what he said is based on any real ground

[Driver]

Hey Steelwork

I really don't think you should burden yourself with trying to come to an understanding about something specific he said. Rather try to think of this in the context of the whole relationship. I really don't think what he said can be justified in any way... .you know how they just say stuff when they feel a certain way at a given moment and then have a different perception a day later... .Or how they create their own realities to fit their "victim" scenarios and avoid feelings of guilt and regret. I am sure you can think of many different examples of similar behavior throughout your relationship with him... .I hope you 

don't let something like that eat you away because I honestly don't think what he said is based on any real ground

You too, if you need a hug, I'm here. 

[mrwigand]

Did he go out of his way to tell you that he's over you? If so, he probably isn't.

It's okay, I understand how you're feeling. Give yourself more time and if possible more distance from him. You don't need to be hearing how he's over you and with someone knew. I wish you all the luck

[thisworld]

Steelwork hi

BPD prevents pwBPD from experiencing their emotions at a relatively sustainable level so one day they are in love with someone and the next day they are able to forget that and fall in love with someone they barely know. Although these feelings are genuine when they are experienced, lack of consistency makes many Nons question how this can ever be as we certainly have more consistency in terms of experiencing our feelings. In my brief experience with my partner, his opinions about whether he let go off some people - women especially- seems to have changed many times. Although he verbally claimed that he moved on, I am of the opinion that he hasn't moved on from any relationship he has - this I can back with his communications with them. Absence of his ex girlfriends from his life triggers a huge sense of abandonment in him - that seems to include me now as well, I feel like I'm among the women to be kept at arm's length. This, however, doesn't prevent him from approaching people emotionally and badmouthing them at the same time.

I also believe he has enough experience to realize that the way he experiences life (feelings=facts) is not similar to the way many people go through these emotional stages. Therefore, he has developed narratives as to what has happened with him, how he moved on so quickly etc. But these narratives also change and are rewritten to adjust to the new feeling.

I believe the only thing we can do is to radically accept that feelings are genuine when they are experienced but can change with the wind. This, together with acting out when feelings change (low executive control or impulse control) can make a sustainable relationship impossible for many of us as trust and emotional safety can be largely eroded - depending on our boundaries and expectations.

Best,

[Penelope35]

Hey Steelwork

I really don't think you should burden yourself with trying to come to an understanding about something specific he said. Rather try to think of this in the context of the whole relationship. I really don't think what he said can be justified in any way... .you know how they just say stuff when they feel a certain way at a given moment and then have a different perception a day later... .Or how they create their own realities to fit their "victim" scenarios and avoid feelings of guilt and regret. I am sure you can think of many different examples of similar behavior throughout your relationship with him... .I hope you 

don't let something like that eat you away because I honestly don't think what he said is based on any real ground

You too, if you need a hug, I'm here. 

Oh I sure do. Today would have been our one year anniversary

[Driver]

Hey Steelwork

I really don't think you should burden yourself with trying to come to an understanding about something specific he said. Rather try to think of this in the context of the whole relationship. I really don't think what he said can be justified in any way... .you know how they just say stuff when they feel a certain way at a given moment and then have a different perception a day later... .Or how they create their own realities to fit their "victim" scenarios and avoid feelings of guilt and regret. I am sure you can think of many different examples of similar behavior throughout your relationship with him... .I hope you 

don't let something like that eat you away because I honestly don't think what he said is based on any real ground

You too, if you need a hug, I'm here. 

Oh I sure do. Today would have been our one year anniversary

     

[Penelope35]

  thanks

[steelwork]

Oh man, thank you all for replying so thoughtfully to what I feared was a really silly and annoying post. I mean, the whole "how could he have gotten over me so quickly/silently/completely" question... .it's almost universal.

I am sure you can think of many different examples of similar behavior throughout your relationship with him... .

Yeah. It's definitely consistent with his modus o in various ways. It's related to impulsivity, maybe. He's done a lot of things he regretted almost instantly but then felt he had to stick with.

Give yourself more time and if possible more distance from him. You don't need to be hearing how he's over you and with someone knew. I wish you all the luck

I'm over a year out! Oh no. More time, I guess.

BPD prevents pwBPD from experiencing their emotions at a relatively sustainable level [... .]

Thanks for putting it in this general context. He used to say that he felt depressed immediately after we separated--like, after I spent the night with him. He'd be grinning ecstatically when we parted and then he'd crash. Whenever I torture myself over the question of whether I screwed up a good thing with a man who could have gone the distance, I should remember this. His emotions were all over the place, even at the best times.

In my brief experience with my partner, his opinions about whether he let go off some people - women especially- seems to have changed many times. Although he verbally claimed that he moved on, I am of the opinion that he hasn't moved on from any relationship he has - [... .]

I also believe he has enough experience to realize that the way he experiences life (feelings=facts) is not similar to the way many people go through these emotional stages. Therefore, he has developed narratives as to what has happened with him, how he moved on so quickly etc. But these narratives also change and are rewritten to adjust to the new feeling.

He talked about his past lovers (not his ex wife, about whom he was just bitter) as literary characters, almost. He waxed romantic about how doomed they all were, stuff like that. They were, absolutely, narratives. Thanks for that word.

I believe the only thing we can do is to radically accept that feelings are genuine when they are experienced but can change with the wind. This, together with acting out when feelings change (low executive control or impulse control) can make a sustainable relationship impossible for many of us as trust and emotional safety can be largely eroded - depending on our boundaries and expectations.

Emotional safety. That is a good word, too. I remember in the immediate aftermath, when I was sorting through the rubble, thinking to myself many times, "He is not a safe person." He took some pride in not being physically abusive, and also obviously worked to be emotionally generous. But it was never totally convincing, and once the end came he was emotionally abusive. And I thought, "He is dangerous." I thought that word over and over.

Hugs for you all. Penelope, one year anniversary--that is rough. Extra hug for you.

[Driver]

Hugs for you all. Penelope, one year anniversary--that is rough. Extra hug for you.

And for me?

[steelwork]

Hugs for you all. Penelope, one year anniversary--that is rough. Extra hug for you.

And for me?

[Penelope35]

Hugs for you all. Penelope, one year anniversary--that is rough. Extra hug for you.

:'( thank you

[Driver]

Hugs for you all. Penelope, one year anniversary--that is rough. Extra hug for you.

:'( thank you

You're welcome 

[tiki]

What many people don't realize is that people with BPD also peridically split themselves black and white . Hence the instability

This mentality allows them to quickly do complete u-turns at the drop of a hat to fix the percieved-imagined problem. Try an keep up with it if you like ( but that way lies madness? )

This explains so much! It’s why grandiosity and expressed self hate can co exist. I never understood that before. It’s like a self hating (something I’m told about more than see) narcissist.