Getting to Letting Go

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted. My uBPDh has had a rough winter. On top of everything else, I believe he has SAD, which, of course, does not make anything better. He spent most of the winter in bed, moping. Even though he eventually signed on with another real estate agency, he has done absolutely nothing to get leads. The two leads he's had have been friends of mine who happened to reach out to me saying they were looking for a home in my area.

Of course, I'm not "allowed" to mention anything remotely related to financial hardship or his lack of activity, otherwise he goes into self flagellation mode, and threatens to go live under a bridge (because he says that's what he deserves). We cannot even have a productive conversation about this anymore.

He is suffering and he refuses to get any sort of help for it. He digs his heels in whenever therapy is mentioned. I have bought him two books: a DBT workbook and a C-PTSD book that was recommended to me by someone with BPD, and neither one of those has really been given much attention by him. He has also been suffering from all-night anxiety attacks (one of which lasted 13 hours). He has broken two plates during his rages as well. But he won't do anything to help himself, except to go to the neighbor's house and smoke pot until he is completely obliterated and useless.

And, of course, he is still abusive and controlling to me. He has called me horrible names and disregarded my needs. He is completely rigid about some things, like he won't let us get any house plants, lamps or add shelving downstairs because he says it's "clutter." Meanwhile, he leaves our second bedroom, the one with most of his clothing, in complete disarray (clothes all over the floor, items everywhere). He rages out when I'm not enthusiastic about everything he does or says.

I'm tired, it's sucking the life out of me. I know that it won't get better without him committing to getting himself help, and he won't commit to getting himself help, so I'm moving toward the reality that things are probably not going to change. As much as I want it all to work out, it can't be all me. I saw a lawyer last week and she gave me some preliminary things to do, such as working through financials and such, and going again to a counselor. So, things are moving forward from there.

I don't exactly know why this is so hard. From the outside, it's easy to say, "Why would you put up with this? What are you getting out of it?" I can say, "Not much," obviously. I do still love him, albeit not in a passionate, romantic way. More like I love him and care about him, and just want to wave a magic wand and have him be well and have us work on healing our marriage, instead of watching it get worse and worse. I know that I'm not helping anyone by staying around. In previous relationships, I felt a "push," or the last straw that I needed to leave and let go, but in this case I just feel like I'm frozen, stagnant. I guess I'm paralyzed by some kind of fear. I suppose that therapy will help me figure out what that is. I thought that doing the lawyer thing would get me closer, and, I guess it has, in a small way, but also not as much as I expected it to. Why can't I just rip off the bandage?

[WitzEndWife]

Hi all, it's been a while since I've posted. My uBPDh has had a rough winter. On top of everything else, I believe he has SAD, which, of course, does not make anything better. He spent most of the winter in bed, moping. Even though he eventually signed on with another real estate agency, he has done absolutely nothing to get leads. The two leads he's had have been friends of mine who happened to reach out to me saying they were looking for a home in my area.

Of course, I'm not "allowed" to mention anything remotely related to financial hardship or his lack of activity, otherwise he goes into self flagellation mode, and threatens to go live under a bridge (because he says that's what he deserves). We cannot even have a productive conversation about this anymore.

He is suffering and he refuses to get any sort of help for it. He digs his heels in whenever therapy is mentioned. I have bought him two books: a DBT workbook and a C-PTSD book that was recommended to me by someone with BPD, and neither one of those has really been given much attention by him. He has also been suffering from all-night anxiety attacks (one of which lasted 13 hours). He has broken two plates during his rages as well. But he won't do anything to help himself, except to go to the neighbor's house and smoke pot until he is completely obliterated and useless.

And, of course, he is still abusive and controlling to me. He has called me horrible names and disregarded my needs. He is completely rigid about some things, like he won't let us get any house plants, lamps or add shelving downstairs because he says it's "clutter." Meanwhile, he leaves our second bedroom, the one with most of his clothing, in complete disarray (clothes all over the floor, items everywhere). He rages out when I'm not enthusiastic about everything he does or says.

I'm tired, it's sucking the life out of me. I know that it won't get better without him committing to getting himself help, and he won't commit to getting himself help, so I'm moving toward the reality that things are probably not going to change. As much as I want it all to work out, it can't be all me. I saw a lawyer last week and she gave me some preliminary things to do, such as working through financials and such, and going again to a counselor. So, things are moving forward from there.

I don't exactly know why this is so hard. From the outside, it's easy to say, "Why would you put up with this? What are you getting out of it?" I can say, "Not much," obviously. I do still love him, albeit not in a passionate, romantic way. More like I love him and care about him, and just want to wave a magic wand and have him be well and have us work on healing our marriage, instead of watching it get worse and worse. I know that I'm not helping anyone by staying around. In previous relationships, I felt a "push," or the last straw that I needed to leave and let go, but in this case I just feel like I'm frozen, stagnant. I guess I'm paralyzed by some kind of fear. I suppose that therapy will help me figure out what that is. I thought that doing the lawyer thing would get me closer, and, I guess it has, in a small way, but also not as much as I expected it to. Why can't I just rip off the bandage?

[ArleighBurke]

Love is a strange thing. As humans we probably love too much (we are social creatures) and we fear losing anything (even the bad things).

After 12 years of marriage I discovered BPD. I had a name and a diagnosis! I spend another 4 years "working on it". Left her for a whole week, then went back for another year to give it a final go.

It is hard to leave. It is hard to give up the dream, the idea, of what could or should have been.

We are the eternal optimists... .

[DaddyBear77]

Hi WitzEndWife, glad to see you back but sorry things are still where they are.

I can relate to the experience of seeing a lawyer. I thought that getting a consultation would push my feelings one way or another, but in the end it just added more confusion to the ultimate decision to stay or go. However, it DID give me information about what might happen - were you at least able to get some questions answered? Do you feel better prepared now if you DO make a decision to leave?

I also think that therapy for yourself is a great idea. We struggle so much to get our significant other to seek therapy, we so often forget about our own needs. Something I've learned through therapy is that feeling "stuck" like magnets to a pwBPD is a very good path to go down. Why do we feel this way? Why did we fall for our pwBPD in the first place? Why do we stay? Is this a pattern in past relationships as well? Lots of questions come to mind, and it's a very good thing to think about - it gets us focused on ourselves and the things we CAN control.

Ultimately, no one other than ourselves can make the decision to stay or go, no matter who else on the "outside" thinks they can see it so clearly, they can't.

How are you doing today?

~DB

[RolandOfEld]

Hi WitzEndWife and let me join everyone in welcoming you. I can fully relate to the feeling of having the life sucked out of you and but not knowing how to leave. I'm in a similar spot at the moment and have also spoken to lawyers, to dissatisfying results.

Seconding DB that therapy is a terrific step. I am restarting therapy next week to take care of my side of things so I am strong enough to do what needs to be done, which might possibly amount to separating from wife.

I'm confident that through therapy and through the support of the community here, you will find your path to a better life. In the meantime, what are you doing to take care of yourself?

Yrs,
~ROE

[formflier]

I've been worried about you! 

Can you tell me a bit about you over the winter, since you've last posted?  What have you reflected on and concluded?  Any new habits or ways of relating to you hubby?

Of course, I'm not "allowed" to mention anything remotely related to financial hardship or his lack of activity, otherwise he goes into self flagellation mode, and threatens to go live under a bridge (because he says that's what he deserves). We cannot even have a productive conversation about this anymore.
 

So... .I know we've posted about letting him solve his own problems... .including financial ones.  Where are we at on that?

If he is not "doing" real estate (making money) is he ubering to bring in income to care for his needs and wants? 

Where are we at on letting him sort this out?


Did he ask you to get books on therapy for him?

I'm glad to see you back and posting.  Hoping we can help move your life towards stability.

FF

[juju2]

Your story resonates w me.

there is so much help here, things, tools, just reading the boards helps me.  I too blamed myself. 

why can't I just give up.?

I started to find out, any question that starts "why... ." is not a question  that will forward my life or anyone else's. 

what has helped me is self awareness, acceptance, things i learned here and in al anon.
I am co dependent.  my co dependency has hurt me and my relationships.  I can and am learning new attitudes, actions, or no actions, pausing before I answer, a good answer for me when I don't know what to say in that moment, "you might be right"... .  also, I have learned, I don't need to ask a lot of questions.

 I want to know what is my intention.  If I feel urgency around asking a question, especially of my s.o. diagnosed BPD, that is a red flag for me to pause.  Look at my motives.
Is it necessary, is it kind, etc.  There is very little I need to know... .

The focus needs to be on me.  I can't control him, I didn't cause his BPD.

Hang in there! Hope and healing are available here!

j

[WitzEndWife]

Thanks all. I'm hanging in there, albeit fighting my own depression tooth and nail. I called the therapist and left a message yesterday. She called back while I was in meetings, so I will try to call her again today and get something scheduled. I need someone to understand where I am and help me get to a place where I feel "ready," or at least more ready, to let go.

In the meantime, I'm trying to do more for myself. I'm trying to get to the gym more regularly, and taking some various types of classes and meetings after work to get my mind off of the doom and gloom of being home.

Regarding finances, I haven't paid for H's credit card, except to reimburse for things he purchased for me. Other than that, I'm still paying everything else (mainly because he's on my accounts for everything and it's just automatic).

Over the winter he was pretty much useless for weeks on end, spending days in bed, doing nothing around the house. The only time he'd get any energy was when I was home during the weekend. This whole week is supposed to be gloomy and rainy, which probably isn't going to help his mood.

On the books, I bought them for him out of desperation because he was having regular panic attacks and I thought the DBT workbook might help him get more grounded. I have since learned that he just doesn't want to help himself. He's comfortable in his suffering.

So, now, all I can do is help myself emotionally. I think that is the most important next step.

[formflier]

  He's comfortable in his suffering.

 

I would focus on understanding this... believing this... .organizing your life around this.

I would hazard a guess that he "saw" you getting the books as "pushing" him out of where he was comfortable... .so he resisted.

The trick for you is to arrange his life so that his pathway to comfort is a healthy one.  Understanding you may have to respect that he may choose to not walk the path.

So... .did you ask him to purchase things for you or did he "volunteer"? 

I would suggest that cleaving that financial "tie" is the next step "for you" towards healthier.

In other words... .I think it's a healthier option for him to totally depend on himself for access to any money whatsoever. 

As long as you allow him to live in the house I think you will have to "let go" of his access to food, electricity and then things you buy for the household.  I see too much drama involved trying to "force" him to pay his fair share.

However... .if he wants money for McDonald's... .or basically any cash in his pocket... .for weed... hamburger... .new socks... .anything let him completely and totally figure that out.

How close are you to that?  When is the last time you gave him cash... .so he could have cash in his pocket?

   

You can do this... .you can find a different narrative in your life.

FF

[WitzEndWife]

I actually haven't given him cash in a long, long time. He will buy some things for me without me asking, but it's stuff like putting gas in my car, which I use more than he does (he has his own car). He hasn't asked me for any money in a while, so I am thinking that maybe his mom sent him a bunch of money for his birthday in February, and he used that to pay off his cards. If it's something that I want him to get for me, even if it's something he will use also, I usually reimburse him for that.

The financial hardship usually comes when he begs me to spend money on something for the house or the cars that could wait a while. He insists we need it RIGHT NOW, and wheedles and whinges until I cave in and buy it. But that's not happening lately, so I have a break.

Lately finances aren't stressing me as much as is just wanting to feel more "ready" to detach than I do. I'm sure that part of that is that I am a good person, a problem solver, and a relative optimist, and part of it is that BPD is just a complex and confusing thing to deal with. I guess the more I talk about it, the more I'll figure out what's sticking me.

[formflier]

So... he pays his own gas and insurance?

I feel I'm fairly familiar with your story.  Can you see how life would be simpler if he figured his stuff out and you figured yours... .and really... really... .let him sort it out.  Note... .if that means Mom pays it... or easter bunny.  He sorted it out.

How much of a hardship would it be on you if you put your own gas in... .and bought things that you need?

I suspect that it would be rough transition for a month or two.  Then I think you would get used to it on your end.

Thoughts?

FF

[Lucky Jim]

In previous relationships, I felt a "push," or the last straw that I needed to leave and let go, but in this case I just feel like I'm frozen, stagnant. I guess I'm paralyzed by some kind of fear.

Hey WEW, Thanks for the update.  I'm quite familiar with the paralysis you describe.  How long have you two been married?  Sad to say, I was so worn out and depleted from the day-to-day stress of marriage to a pwBPD that, after 13 years of marriage, I lacked the strength to leave.  Instead, I drove myself into the ground, which was not fun.  Towards the end, two kind friends and a family member conducted an intervention on me.  Without their support, I doubt that I would have been able to leave.  They probably saved my life, and I don't mean to sound melodramatic.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's pretty common to get run down in a BPD r/s, which is why I would suggest that it's important to take time out to recharge your batteries and to reach out to friends and family.  It's easy to get isolated in a BPD r/s, which I view as dangerous because one can lose all perspective on normal life.  Do what you need to do to keep in contact with those closest to you, because you will likely need their support, no matter what you decide to do.

Many people here fear the unknown, for good reason, though I've discovered that the unknown is also where greater happiness can be found, which is what it's all about, right?

LuckyJim

[RolandOfEld]

Hi WEW, echoing LuckyJim how important it is to reach out to family and friends and build a support network, otherwise you will not have the strength to change the situation on your own.

I reached out to family for the first time a few weeks ago, my dad. Just having his emotional support would have been enough, but he also said he would assist me financially if I needed to get a lawyer or put the kids in preschool if I ended up separating and taking care of them on my own. That bolstered my confidence to take action A LOT.

Who do you think would be the best first person to reach out to for support?

~ROE

[WitzEndWife]

When it comes to support, I do have my family (parents), and best friend. My parents have agreed to help pay legal fees should I decide to end things. I have a few people to talk to, but I also don't want to go on and on about things and have people thinking, "Why doesn't she just leave?" When I went to consult the lawyer, my friend and family could barely contain their glee over it. "How did it GO?" they all asked me after it was over. I reaffirmed to them that it was JUST an informational appointment, and that I wasn't ready to do anything yet. They said, "Of course," like they understood, but I know they were disappointed. I know they want what's best for me, and they are right, but I'm in my "stuck" place still and I keep waiting for him to do something outrageous again for justification to end things.

The outrageous episodes have been few and far between, and I believe that he has been trying to hold things back because he knows that he's on thin ice now. So, he flies into minor, short rages, and then pulls back and composes himself just enough. It's frustrating and disturbing.

Regarding the insurance issue - it comes automatically out of my paycheck and I cannot change that until the first of the year, so I have to keep paying. When it comes to his gasoline, he barely drives, so I'm not really paying it. The things he's bought for himself have been relatively small things, and clothes. But that's rare. When it comes to spending my money, it's usually for stuff he insists "WE" need.

[RolandOfEld]

I'm in my "stuck" place still and I keep waiting for him to do something outrageous again for justification to end things.

WEW I understand this feeling completely. Two days ago I reported my wife to the police, this morning I picked her up breakfast. When they behave well its very hard to maintain resolve, often times because they are more like the person we fell in love with. Or we feel guilty for taking action against them when they are not doing the bad stuff.

One of the best pieces of advice I received recently from the forum was to document all of the abuse / bad behavior. This serves two purposes - 1) it gives you a solid record of their behavior if / when you do decide to take legal action, and 2) it serves as a reminder of what they do when dysregulating. Every time I pull up my record and look through it, my resolve comes right back.

Do you think this would be helpful for you?

Yrs,
~ROE

[Cat Familiar]

Nons who are on the fence about whether to stay or leave a dysfunctional relationship, often "hope" for a significant outburst to put an end to their misery. But the day to day grind of negative and unpleasant behavior can wear one down to the bone, even if no grand eruptions occur.

It comes down to asking ourselves: Is this what I want in my life? How long am I going to put up with irresponsibility/unkindness/thoughtlessness/infidelity/abuse/fill-in-the-blank, as there are all sorts of variations of distressing BPD behavior that nons deal with daily.

What keeps one from asking these questions? Well, in my first marriage, ending it meant turning my life upside down and I wasn't sure if I had the strength or resilience to do that. So I waited until big criteria were violated again and then I pulled the plug, not knowing how I'd manage.

I did manage, just fine, though it was a bit of a struggle at times, but no where near the struggle I endured on a regular basis due to being attached at the hip to my ex.

There can be light at the end of the tunnel. And freedom tastes soo good. It comes down to one's own sense of worth. Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to create the life I want? Do I dare step into the unknown?

[Lucky Jim]

There can be light at the end of the tunnel. And freedom tastes soo good. It comes down to one's own sense of worth. Do I deserve to be happy? Do I deserve to create the life I want? Do I dare step into the unknown?

Like how you put that, Cat Familiar.    Great questions!  I suspect that the concept of what we deserve is foreign to most of us Nons; otherwise, we probably wouldn't be in a BPD r/s.

LuckyJim