Daughter of a BPD mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Okay so this all feels very strange to me but I have had a very rough relationship with my mother and I just need someone to help me understand so I can maybe deal with the day to day living with her a little better. She emotionally and verbally is abusive to me almost daily and I try not to let her get to me but she just does. I love my mother and I want a beautiful healthy relationship with her but I don’t know what to do to make myself stronger or less aggravating/disappointing to her. I should add that I am an adult but my mother lives in an in law appartment that’s on my house. Also I rely on her for certain things which make me indebted to her, she holds it over my head and uses it at a means of control. My brother is aware of her BPD and the anger and damaging behavior it causes her to have but she doesn’t treat him the same. Yes she lashes out at him and such but she would never do and say things to him like she does me. I dont really know why but it is very much this way and multiple family memebers see it too. Anyways there is so many layers to my story and life but I think this will do for a first time intro.

[Jenny443]

Okay so this all feels very strange to me but I have had a very rough relationship with my mother and I just need someone to help me understand so I can maybe deal with the day to day living with her a little better. She emotionally and verbally is abusive to me almost daily and I try not to let her get to me but she just does. I love my mother and I want a beautiful healthy relationship with her but I don’t know what to do to make myself stronger or less aggravating/disappointing to her. I should add that I am an adult but my mother lives in an in law appartment that’s on my house. Also I rely on her for certain things which make me indebted to her, she holds it over my head and uses it at a means of control. My brother is aware of her BPD and the anger and damaging behavior it causes her to have but she doesn’t treat him the same. Yes she lashes out at him and such but she would never do and say things to him like she does me. I dont really know why but it is very much this way and multiple family memebers see it too. Anyways there is so many layers to my story and life but I think this will do for a first time intro.

[Turkish]

What does she hold over you?

[Jenny443]

The main thing is I have bad anxiety in relation to vehicles and therefore don’t drive. This wasn’t an issue until I had children. They are in private school so she brings them and picks them up everyday. If I don’t comply with what she says/how she says it or if I upset her in anyway (which I seem to do continually) she uses it for control and I don’t want my kids to have to pay for my inability to drive or inability to handle the way my mother treats me. My mom can be so loving and supporting but she can also be the total opposite of that and it’s ever changing between the 2. I am a person who likes reason and an open dialog about things as hey come up and when I try to reason with her when she’s being totally unreasonable she just gets angrier and verbally attacks me. It’s so hurtful!

[Insom]

Hi, Jenny443!  Welcome.   

It sounds like you're feeling frustrated and confused about how to cope with your mom.  Hugs.     I can relate very much to what it feels like to care for and rely on a family member who isn't consistently there for you. 

My brother is aware of her BPD and the anger and damaging behavior it causes her to have but she doesn’t treat him the same. Yes she lashes out at him and such but she would never do and say things to him like she does me. I dont really know why but it is very much this way and multiple family memebers see it too.

 

Have you had a chance to do any reading about BPD - either in books or by checking out the links on the right side of this page?    Reading about personality disorders has helped me understand that a lot of the negative behaviors I've experienced aren't personal.  They may feel deeply personal when directed at me, but they're really a manifestation of the disorder. 

when I try to reason with her when she’s being totally unreasonable she just gets angrier and verbally attacks me. It’s so hurtful!

Yes!  I can relate to how this feels.  It sounds like you could use a little space from your mom and that the setup you have with rides for your kids has created a dependency situation that is a problem.  What are your options for reducing dependency on mom for rides?
 

[zachira]

I too have a mother that scapegoats me and who has at times done a lot of nice things for me. Some of the things that have helped me:
1) ongoing psychotherapy which has improved my self esteem and allows me to have better boundaries
2) realizing that girls are more likely to suffer more severe abuse because a BPD mother identifies more with her daughters, and a daughter showing that she is any way different from her mother is threatening
3) walking away or hanging up the phone when mom starts being disrespectful
4) when mom is present, having the people around that mom does not show her bad side to and wants to impress with her artificial nice behavior
5) keeping myself surrounded with family and friends that treat me with kindness and respect
6) keep working on being the best person I can be which is lifelong journey
7) going low contact as much as possible
8) allowing myself to grieve how painful it is to have a BPD mother
9) distancing myself from people who  believe the lies my mother tells to others about me so she can feel better about herself
10) participating in this Board, as there are people here who understand what it is like to have a borderline mother and siblings, and maybe I sometimes help others with BPD family members.
My heart goes out to you, and I am glad you have people around you that recognize your mother's bad behavior. Take care and let us know how we can help, or what is not particularly helpful.

[Jenny443]

I’m not sure if I’m responding in this correctly (I’m very green with the whole message board thing). Anyway hopefully it’s not to far off. So yes I agree and or can relate to so much of what you all have said, the only problem is I don’t know how to change anything or create these boundaries that I keep seeing as important. I feel like I have allowed myself to be in the most stuck unhealthy mess of a situation.

As I said there are many many layers to what is my life as I know it, honestly it’s not until I’m at this point of saying it out loud that I realize how messed up it all is. Let me give you more of my situation.

First of all I had no idea what BPD was until a few weeks ago when my mother’s behavior was totally out of control and I started looking up bipolar disorder which didn’t quite fit but then stumbled across this and was like whoa that’s so spot on it’s unreal. So I am just learning now how to handle something that’s been here my whole life but never had a concreat “name” and that almost seems normal to me at points because it’s all I have ever known, even though I suffer greatly from it.

I grew up in my younger years having pretty much the ideal family situation. Nice house and back yard, small town in New England, mom and dad were married, dinners together every night sitting in “our spots”, you know the whole picture. It wasn’t until I was about 6 that I noticed my mom and dad started fighting a lot. I remember my mom was always yelling at him and even making him leave for the night things like that. Yet still majority of the time things were good and “normal” from my very young vantage point. From those years on my life kinda just spun for a long time until finally it wasn’t.

My mom left one night (which was unusual) and I found my dad coming in and out of  consciousness, go to find out he had overdosed on sleeping pills and over the counter meds from our cabinet. I still don’t know to this day what was going on that night I was only around 6-7yrs old. He went to the hospital and they saved him that’s all I know. At 8yrs old my mom and dad separated and he moved out, I was crushed. At 9yrs old my Mom and dad got into a big fight and my dad overdosed again, but this time he didn’t live with us anymore so no one found him in time and he had so many seizures he fell into a coma and after 2weeks of testing he was found to be brain dead, so they took him off life support and he passed away within days.

My mom remarried within less then a year to someone I hated at the time but I now (even though him and my mom are no longer together) still see as my dad. At this point I was struggling to deal with all these emotions and my mom was what I thought to be just a strict parent, often times  I felt she could be unreasonable. We almost never saw eye to eye on anything, however she was also starting to become more and more preoccupied with the casino. It was something her and my step dad liked doing but became more and more frequent to my mom going with or without him. He was working 60-80 hours a week, which she seemed to like the money, but got angry about all the time he was putting into his job.

It was just before my 12th birthday when I was raped by a friends older brother that I started to really spiral and started using drugs to numb all these feelings I had but couldn’t process and work threw. Looking back now my frustration with my mother and how she treated me only added to my rebellious behavior. When I was younger she used to get physical a lot she has only attacked me physically as an adult a few times. It was much more frequent then and I would never hit back now that I’m grown, but back then my anger was just as unleashed as hers and I would make things so much worse.

For example I can recall a time when my friends mom (who my mother always seemed jealous of) was taking us to the pool but I had my period and was new to all that, anyway she gave me tampons and gave me this whole motherly spiel. Well when she talked to my mom later she told her all about it and when I got home my mother was so angry. She was grabbing my sunburnt arm screaming at me that I had no right to do that, that I’m not a virgin anymore now, on and on. I remember thinking it was insane and it didn’t make sense to me so I argued my side and it just escalated to where she kept hitting me until I slapped her and then ran and locked myself in a bathroom until she calmed down.

We went on like this for years I was a horrible teen and I’m not saying that I made things easy or don’t have my fair share of the blame, I truly do. I just didn’t see my moms unhealthy treatment towards me because she had blamed everything on me and I was told repeatedly how I was the cause of the discord in the family and my actions and attitude is the root cause of all her anger and bad behavior. I honestly believed that and I think so did everyone in my family and around us.

 
I was a nightmare back then. I did always find it odd that I never fought with anyone else the way I did her. I’m by nature not an angry person at all but she has this way of pushing me to a point and as I said I don’t have that kind of relationship with anyone else even to this day. Other hints that stuck out is how even threw my “bad” years my dad never treated me like she did, but she always told me that’s because I was his step daughter. I also noted how weird it was that she would be calling me names one min but then be like my best friend the next. But I was young and had problems I never really thought on it to hard.
So the years pasted by, and by 16 I was a real mess completely drug addicted ruining my life and having no regard for anyone else around me. After some major incidences my parents sent me away to rehab And was there for a few months. I got councling during that time and I hated it then but in hindsight it was so good for me, I learned many skills that proved helpful years after. I wasn’t ready to stop using after, it still hurt to much to be sober.

After rehab I was worse then ever before and started going to visit a friend I made from rehab in ny she was a heroin addict. I thought I was so tough but it turned out my little town didn’t compare to where we used to go get drugs in the Bronx. I ended up getting raped by a gang of guys and almostoverdosed that night, went out to get more dope again the next day and was arrested. Because I was only 16 they let my parents take me home and after their initial upset it was never really talked about again after the car ride home. Probabaly because by this point my mom was so addicted to gambling it consumed her. My step dad was also but not like my mom. She would tell us at night that she was going out and would be back to see us off to school and then just not come home for days at a time, then she would just sleep when she finally got home to turn around and do it again.

She gambled away everything, I mean everything and in process also started cheating on my dad there. He found out and they split up. They were going to get back together and she did it again so he left her. She gambled away everything and next thing I knew it was we have no house anymore she has this new man and we are all moving across the county. So we did but as much as it was damaging it was also a blessing in disguise. I was so traumatized by this point I was scared of life and how creul it and the people in it can be.

I got off all hard drugs and the move helped me keep it that way. I also found God after the move and it changed everything for me, I finally felt peace with the past and was shown grace like never before. I had started to develop this weird anxiety when in car though and it’s only gotten worse over the years. I don’t know why it just started out of no where and grew worse as I got older but it didn’t leave me dependent on my mom much at that time because I had plenty of friends and no kids yet. I had also started my own business so I worked from home and loved it. So it was a time of real healing and growth.

My mom eventually left the guy we moved down here with, dated a few other guys but seemed to have mellowed out for the most part. She was still herself and lashed out but it was overall okay because she had no control anymore so she knew there was boundaries. Life was good, my brother ended up moving down and staying with us. When my mom ended it with her bf at the time he had just bought the house and we each paid our own share monthly. Anyways my brother ended up buying the house and we stayed with the same arrangement. A few years into it my brother told me he wanted to make a deal with me that he wanted to give the house to me (its paid off this year) but he would only do this if I promise to keep my mother in the in law appartment. We knew she was not very stable and here we were getting our lives together as we became adults but she never could seem to. She just had this anger and sporadic behavior and was very sensitive. She just clearly needed us to always be there to keep her grounded. I took the deal, it was a no brainer.

I felt like the whole back story as long as that was needed to be said in order to understand the situation I’m in now. I only highlighted the negative parts of my back story and for the most part will for the current also. One reason being I need to just say it, only very very few of the closest people know like my brother and husband. I would never mention to just any aquantince or friend and risk hurting my mother like that. It would crush her to hear me actually say out loud let alone to anyone else what she’s like, or how she’s been.She has intertwined herself into my life so tightly and I allowed it.

But understand she not a bad person, there are so many good memories and good things going on. We would have these issues but then we just moved on an acted like it never happened, it always bounced back and forth between “normal” and good, to rage and termoil. I love my mother, I just don’t always like her. It wasn’t until I got married and had kids that I found myself at her mercy and she knows it. First off when she was struggling financially (she can’t hold a job because once she’s comfortable in a place or with someone she will at some point snap on them).

So I let her work we me 50/50 for a few years and then when I was pregnant I decided I wanted to focus on the family so I signed the business over to her and decide I would still work but she would handle more of the licensing, web pg, paperwork type stuff. As you can guess that was a big mistake handing her that power over me. I just didn’t know it then, for the first time ever she not only had control over me again but I also this time around knew I wasn’t to blame and was doing well, so when she snapped at me and said negative thing about and to me I began to see something wasn’t right. Every time she financially screws me over she can’t see it, it’s just her getting what she’s worked for and I’m always wrong or slacking in her eyes so she feels no guilt about it. She uses it also to co tell my time and boss me around.

Then came the babies, and they are my world I will do everything to protext them and keep them as safe as I can and raise them as healthy and loved as I am able. As a result I have become more and more indebted to her. My husband is a hard worker and it requires a lot of his time, so I need her because I don’t drive. Its a lot on her and I know that and I’m so grateful, but everything she does for me or my family it comes at a very high price. I pay dearly for my dependence on her, I cannot set any boundaries or I will pay for it.

From the outside looking in (which is almost everyone) you would see a mother who is fully invested in her children, I am very committed to my kids school as well, I’m on the pta, I’m very involved in the church and community, you would see my beautiful marriage and family unit, you would see a mother daughter business that everyone thinks is so wonderful and sweet, you would see happy people living life. This is a true picture in many many ways but there is this black cloud wearing me down that is hidden and I have to bare alone. I’m not perfect but I don’t behave any where close to warrant tratment like this. Yes driving would improve my situation a ton but it’s not a easy hurtle,i like to hope one day I will overcome it but what if I can’t. How do you just stop getting anxiety and panac over something that you don’t even know why you react that way to to being with.

As I said I know this is a lot but it’s all what lead me to where I am today. I don’t want to rip apart what I have worked hard to build and I love the closeness of my family dynamic, but I have to find a way to not keep allowing myself to be belittled daily and scrutinized with every move I make 24/7. I need to find a way to be able to just be me without someone constantly telling me that is wrong and trying to make me be who they say I need to be. As I said in my last post I want to understand this disorder and bring closeness to my mother and I in a way that is “normal” and healthy because I do love her. I don’t want her out of my life even if I didn’t depend on her right now, she’s the only constant I have ever known my whole life, everyone else has come and gone but no matter what, no matter how messed up, she’s always been there even if it hurts sometimes I love her.

I feel very vulnerable writing all this and I don’t even know what I hope to hear in response, I just know even if it’s to a bunch of strangers I needed to say it, and hopefully someone sees it and I find some form of knowledge or advice I can grow on and overcome something in myself in order to change my situation even just a little. I know and accept  that I don’t have the power to change anyone else but myself but I know every positive change I make in myself will effect those around me and open up opportunities for change and growth in them as well. Light always overcomes the darkness, always! I want to shine so bright inside there is no place left for the darkness to reside. Sorry it was so long

[Jenny443]

So having just realized recently that my mother has BPD, never having heard of it before was really a relief. I have as an adult always known something was wrong with my mom. I had looked up bipolar disorder and  narcissism before but as close as they may have been there was always something a little varied and I never felt definate “that’s it” moment. Then when looking up bipolar once again after a insane encounter with my mother I came across this YouTube video about borderline personality disorder and it was spot on. It was 100% about my mom. That said since finding this I have looked up so much about the borderline themselves and never gave much thought to the effects on myself. My husband has always gotten upset with my moms relationship to me and argued for years on how abusive and unhealthy it is, and I agreed but again never put much into it. When I started reading all your post last night it hit me hard. You are saying things about me and characteristics of myself as traits of child who has grown up with a BPD parent that are things about myself that I just thought were my own characteristics of who I am as an individual. Does that make any sense? This is so much to process and think about... .

[Insom]

I’m not sure if I’m responding in this correctly (I’m very green with the whole message board thing).

Hey!  It's great to see you check back in, Jenny443.  You are doing great at the message board thing.    It sounds like you experienced significant trauma as a young person and that things are still very, very challenging with your mom.  You are not alone.  A number of us here have also experienced trauma (me included) and/or are coping with complicated/disappointing or abusive parental relationships. 

. . . there is this black cloud wearing me down that is hidden and I have to bare alone. I’m not perfect but I don’t behave any where close to warrant tratment like this. Yes driving would improve my situation a ton but it’s not a easy hurtle,i like to hope one day I will overcome it but what if I can’t. How do you just stop getting anxiety and panac over something that you don’t even know why you react that way to to being with.

You are right, you don't deserve the abuse your mom is dishing out.  What I am hearing is that you have a number of things going on - anxiety, processing past trauma, needing support coping with disordered behavior - that therapy could really help with.  How does it feel to consider reaching out for extra help?  Would this be logistically possible for you given your current driving situation? 

I feel very vulnerable writing all this and I don’t even know what I hope to hear in response, I just know even if it’s to a bunch of strangers I needed to say it, and hopefully someone sees it and I find some form of knowledge or advice I can grow on and overcome something in myself in order to change my situation even just a little. I know and accept  that I don’t have the power to change anyone else but myself but I know every positive change I make in myself will effect those around me and open up opportunities for change and growth in them as well. Light always overcomes the darkness, always! I want to shine so bright inside there is no place left for the darkness to reside.

Of course!  This all makes sense.  I just started therapy for the first time a few weeks ago to process past trauma and can relate very much to how vulnerable it feels to reach out while at the same time feeling hopeful about the the possibility for healing.  Again, you are not alone.

Is there anything specific going on in your life with your mom today you could use support with?  How are you feeling today?

[Panda39]

Hi Jenny,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I like you discovered BPD in relation to my significant other's (SO's) ex-wife by first thinking narcissism, but one day I googled "Chronic Lying" and there was BPD and the shoe fit.

Have you done much reading on the topic?  The first thing I did after making the discovery was hit my local library.  A couple good books on the topic in general are... .

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS & Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr

I also want to point out the box to the right--> everything in it is a link to more information just click on something that resonates and learn more.

I'm really glad you've found us you are not alone in the experiences you have/had there are many children of BPD parents here and everyone here gets it because we all have someone with BPD or BPD traits in our lives.  there is a lot of support, ideas, and tools to be found here.

Take Care,
Panda39

[Panda39]

Hi Jenny,

Whew you are carrying alot, and I'm so glad you could share     It really helps to get it out there and talk about it.  We all get you and appreciate how scary it is to share so much. 

One thing I see in your post is you feeling that you must be perfect or at least appear perfect.  That has to be hard to maintain... .stressful, exhausting, and anxiety causing. None of us are perfect and it is okay to not be perfect. 

In terms of driving, do you have any stay at home mom friends that might be willing to assist with the driving? Maybe you could go the grocery store with a friend for example. I know it costs some money but there is uber & lift too. There is public transportation to bus or train (my son loved traveling this way when he was little) Even if you can't break total reliance on your mom for transportation maybe you can lessen your reliance on her and gain some independence as you work towards getting on the road yourself.

I'm so glad you found us there is a lot to be learned here, lots of support, tools, ideas and simply a place to vent.  I hope you will also join in reading the posts of others and give your feedback there too.

Take Care,
Panda39