Dealing with the guilt of a bad break-up with my BPD ex.

[tattooeddragon]

Hello, and thank you for taking the time to read and help.

I was in a very rough relationship for the last 16 months. In that time I was physically beaten more than once, yelled at, talked down to, berated and bullied to the point to where I have now gone into therapy to find out
"whats wrong with me?" Obviously, I must be the one causing all of this trauma. So after a few visits to my therapist and many conversations on the situation I was in, it was revealed to me that my now ex may suffer from BPD. I came home and immediately began my research which in turn led me to this site and the wealth of information within. It was eye-opening as I ran through the site and saw topic after topic that all lead to exactly what I was experiencing with her! I wish I had known that there was such a thing as BPD in the beginning, perhaps I could have dealt with it better, but one can only take so much abuse on so many levels before one cracks.

Our final conversation went something like this. I would have a concern, usually on being shut out or put down, but when I would express my concern, calmly of course as not to raise any anger, I was met with more belittling, yelling and aggression. thankfully this was over facetime so I was in no danger of being slapped again. as things escalated ( as they always would ) I became irritated and asked her a simple question.
"if I were to slap you once ( she had hit me multiple times on multiple occasions ) would you have stayed with me?" Her answer "of course not, but you had it coming!" she then proceeded to rationalize her bad behavior with a string of reasons that I know made perfect sense to her. I was unable to defend myself as she would just put her hands up a shush me as loud as she could. "will you just shut up and listen to me for once!" Her favorite mantra. I then screamed, "we are done!" and hung up. haven't heard from her since.

My Guilt comes from a few factors. 1. I was very much in love with her, and the thought of being without her is killing me. and 2. I keep having a vision of her sobbing uncontrollably in the darkness cursing my "cruelty".
I know time heals all wounds, but if there is anyone out there who has had a similar situation, could you please give me some advice?

Thank you.

[Secondhand ploy]

I was in similar boat as you were a while back. Though I am in no way to judge your ex, I have come to learn the fact that they don't do the things we imagine them to. They simply don't experience the same kind of break up experience we go through. Yeah they might cry, but they are crying out of anger, out of "how dare you do this to me, you filthy nothing, I can't believe how I have been wronged by this monster". As far as I knowy ex didn't even cry at all, she simply moved on to the next target with full speed, had 3 people lined up before I was even out of the picture. If you are worried about her, I assure you she is fine. She has been fine all her life, what makes you think you can make a difference. We all thought we couldve been the one. That's why I tolerate the relationship in the first place anyway, believing I was special. Well I am not.

Guilt and remose are normal feelings post break up. It's just that BPD break ups are 1000x amplified. I myself am guilty of this, so I am not going to judge you if you don't believe me at this moment. Logically I can talk, emotionally I am still learning. If you are interested you can read my post of how I lost myself. Physically beaten is not acceptable, and extremely unhealthy, BPD or not. Ultimately the choice is up to you. I rather suffer alone than suffer the pain when I was with her, if I had stayed longer I think I would've been dead by now. I am sorry for speaking with such flat tone. Just know that we are with you, I personally am thankful for the people on this site. I am sure they can help you more than I can at this moment.

Stay strong. If you do end up going back, keep trying to break away. After all addiction doesn't take a day to break off... .

I will be back to check on you.

SHP

[tattooeddragon]

Thank you so much for the insight. As I am learning, this relationship was like no other I have been in in a lot of ways. I was used to "rational" arguments with previous girlfriends. If we couldn't see eye to eye on something then we would either drop the subject or realize the stupidity of the argument and laugh it off, that was never the case with my ex. The smallest infraction would turn into a cataclysm. Not agreeing on a desert would be grounds for hateful whispers in public, only to escalate into a full-blown anger fest once home.

At it's worst I feared for my safety. as I mentioned in my previous post there were a number of times where she slapped me. to put things in perspective I am 5'10'' 185lb's and a personal trainer. she's 5'1'' 130lb's dripping wet and managed to hit me hard enough to where I saw stars. I had threatened to call the police but the threat never phased her "who will they believe? I'll just say you threatened me and I had to defend myself" She had obviously rehearsed this scenario with other boyfriends, and this led me into a state of walking on eggshells to avoid being hit again.

On the outside looking in, and with all that I have read about her condition, I find it very hard to believe that she is doing what rational human beings do after a breakup. Pining for the love lost, trying to find a midground to work back to the relationship, or even giving closure in the form of "Hey, I'm sorry it didn't work out between us". No, I'm sure I was forgotten the next morning and quickly replaced by someone new.
And I think that's what hurts most, knowing that in her mind none of our time together mattered.

[Mutt]

Hi Tattooeddragon,  



Wow you went through a lot as you probably already know there is no good reason to hit someone else. I'm sorry that you went through that. That's good news that you are seeing a T.

Perhaps I could have dealt with it better, but one can only take so much abuse on so many levels before one cracks.

Don't be hard on yourself you're not a doctor and can't diagnose a mental illness it gets missed by proffessionals because there are so many mental illnesses that can overlap.

If you are worried about her, I assure you she is fine. She has been fine all her life,

I agree with Secondhand she was fine before you arrrived on the scene she'll be fine after you're not in the picture anymore. I'd like to echo Secondhand I completely understand the guilty feelings work through them here on the boards this is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being invalidated.

No, I'm sure I was forgotten the next morning and quickly replaced by someone new.

Somewhat a pwBPD grieve differently it doesn't mean that she's completely forgotten about you BPD is an attachment disorder a pwBPD don't completelty detach from their attachments the grieving is routed into anger and acting out.


Are you safe at the moment?

Please click this link: Safety First

[Insom]

Hi, tattooeddragon.  Welcome!

It sounds like that was an intense relationship and breakup.  I can relate to how frustrating it feels to not be able to get "normal" closure after such an emotionally intense experience.  Congrats on reaching out to get help (a sign of true strength and BIG step toward healing)!  I'm with secondhand and Mutt, that your feelings sound perfectly normal. 

I hear that you're still thinking about her and wondering how she processed the breakup.  How are you doing?  What was it like for you to not hear from her again after that last conversation?  How are you feeling today?

[tattooeddragon]

First and foremost I need to say thank you to secondhand ploy, Mutt and Insom for the support and insight. I no longer feel alone or like I'm the one who caused all the problems. As the days go by I do feel better about getting out, there has been no contact and since it was a long distance relationship ( thankfully ) I am safe. I will keep everyone posted as I know there will be good days as well as bad.

Thank you again for all of your support!

[heartandwhole]

Hi tatooeddragon,

I’d like to join the others in welcoming you. These kinds of abrupt breakups can leave us shattered and confused. That was my experience. You are not alone! I can understand feeling guilty about the way things ended. I was still trying to rescue pwBPD even as he was breaking up with me. With time and personal work, I’ve learned a lot about myself and why I responded that way.

When I first arrived here, I needed help understanding what I had just experienced. I was in a world of hurt. This article helped me—have you seen it?

Surviving a Breakup when Yoir Partner has BPD

I’d love to hear your thoughts, if you feel moved to share.

This is a safe place to work through your feelings, so I hope you will continue to post and engage with others.

heartandwhole