enmeshed - what does this term actually mean?

[Parents! Get help here!]

My DD19 has been doomapiraling since coming home from rehab. She’s not gotten herself in treatment and is isolating-becoming less and less social, hiding in her room. I’m having trouble functioning and wonder if I’m just enmeshed. How does one carry on with everyday duties, work and so on when your kid is so sick?
I don’t want to sink with her, but I’m just wondering how to keep the chin up and get ready for work... .how do we continue living our lives as our kids suffer so?

[Daisy123]

My DD19 has been doomapiraling since coming home from rehab. She’s not gotten herself in treatment and is isolating-becoming less and less social, hiding in her room. I’m having trouble functioning and wonder if I’m just enmeshed. How does one carry on with everyday duties, work and so on when your kid is so sick?
I don’t want to sink with her, but I’m just wondering how to keep the chin up and get ready for work... .how do we continue living our lives as our kids suffer so?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Daisy123,

      It's unfortunate that you are asking the same question asked by soo many of us with BPD kids. The majority of my daughters life I have a single parent, so no help help in that department. She was forever telling me that I aboandoned her everyday(because I had to work). There were times I was just sick with guilt about how she felt. So torn myself, while work my work was very stressful, it was still time away from her. Yet on the other hand how could I be so careless about her. To me yes there is a degree of enmaeshment, how could there not be? As the parent we want to make sure our kids are well and taken care of; at the same time we need to let them find their own independance. Easier said than done.
     For ourselves Daisy123 boundaries become so important, they help us move away from the enmeshment(unhealthy) and into support of the child.
      When I read your post I hear frustration "how do we continue"? Keep your chin up, take one day at a time or maybe even one hour at a time, you will find your feet keep moving forward. For me what helped was to keep this thought in my head: She is home, she is safe, she has me. Many times my daughter found very, very, bad ways of coping. So when she was home I knew she was. I hope you will post again, let me know how you're doing.

[Feeling Better]

Hi Daisy123

These kids of ours certainly are a worry to us aren’t they? It makes no difference what age they are either.

I can certainly relate to not functioning fully, it just knocks you for six. I really struggled some days as I’m sure you do too. Having someone to talk to, someone you can share your feelings with who you can totally trust is a wonderful thing to have. Do you have anyone like that in your life Daisy?

You recognise the fact that you need to take care of yourself, you want to be there for your daughter, to help and support her and you are very aware that if you don’t do this you too could sink. Whatever you can do that will recharge your batteries, do it, it might be something really simple like a short walk that enables you to do that. Keep posting to let us know how you are coping x

[Woolspinner2000]

A quick welcome to you Daisy123! 

Feeling Better and Bluek9 have given you some great advice, so crucial to maintaining your own self health. It's so tough when your child is hurting. I've also had to step back with my adult children, trying to walk alongside them without taking on their burdens. It is very hard, but I keep learning it a tiny bit at a time. Do you have any therapy (T) that you are in for yourself?

 
Wools

[Daisy123]

Thank you Woolspinner, Feelingbetter and Blue!
Blue, I really like your mantra, she’s home, she’s safe and she has me. I shut down on Monday and just froze- couldn’t make it into work. So I meditated using the Insight Timer. App and convinced DD to get out of the house. We take a field trip to Home Depot and purchased succulents and planted a little terrarium. I really enjoyed that afternoon with her. And I get quite a kick out of her tender care of these three little succulents. DD has checked on them several times a day.

As for me, I am really working on accepting that the only thing I can do for my DD is to have patience, develop some boundaries, take care of me when she hurts so. I have talked with my therapist. He suggested when things become so overwhelming and I begin to lose hope is to acknowledge my feelings and check in to see if there is room to hold onto some truly grateful moments.

I am so grateful for my DDs relationship with her therapist. It was this relationship and tender talk that helped my DD seek rehab for her drug use disorder. I’ve begun to hold that feeling of gratefulness.

Also-when the pain gets to be too much, I’ve been using meditation with my phone app.

DD couldn’t pick up a phone to take a phone assessment for placing her in a PHP, that felt like a few punches to the head, so at lunch during work, I locked my classroom door and meditated for 5 minutes.

When she slept through her appt with her therapist last Friday, refused to get her own meds,again- it felt like a blow or to to my gut. So At lunch, I locked my classroom door, made up my mind if principal unlocked it and walked in, I’d hold up a finger ( not the middle one ) to make him wait. I was making this a priority, sitting with my huge feelings of sadness, disappointment and helplessness.  I, like my DD need to learn how to tolerate these huge disappointments in order to carry on, keeping my chin up. I am so grateful for this forum, the wisdom and comfort all of you give.

I am grateful I have a place like this, where I can share my thoughts.
It’s another bad day for DD. She’s been in bed for most of the day. She did get up to water her plants, feed her fish and take her meds. But she’s home, she’s safe and she has me, her dogs, her plants and her fish.

[bluek9]

  Daisy123, so glad to see you back and posting. It's such a good thing you're doing, closing the door, mediating, taking time for you. I agree with your therapist(sit with those emotions)
yeah it really sucks to do that. Not long ago I was in that very mode. It's so pianful to be the parent and watch your child suffer. There are many great lessons here to help us cope with feelings and help us find different ways to interact with our child.
    I am so happy for you that both of you found a way to connect through the plants. My daughter and I do garden every summer, and like you said it's amazing to watch her be so careful and tender with a plant. We also do alot of canning, and my daughter really gets into it, it's nice to see her be proud of something she accomplished.
     The blows that come, will always be, fortunately they will not be all that comes. There will also be moments of joy, peace and understanding. Daisy123 a hard lesson to learn is that what is, is. Right now you are growing in your understanding of what's best for you and what will help your daughter. Keep posting, I'd love to keep up on how you're managing.