Well I've had an email from him... it's not nice...

[JustNeedToTalk]

How do you feel having sent that email? Since you feel you will never get closure from him, do you feel that sending the email at least provides closure for yourself? I know you've had a tough time getting over this guy, and I hope in the days ahead you treat yourself well.

-Speck

Well he replied and for the first time was actually “relatively” nice to me and said he didn’t wish ill of me and was glad I was finding peace (not with us with my past - childhood).  And of course denied the filthy cheating I wrote about.  Not cheating, he admitted to being unfaithful, but the one instance I mention that I suspected about him sleeping with someone and coming home without showering, he said it’s not true, but me thinking that has obviously caused me trauma.  He also ended by telling me things are better for him, but in the very earlier stages. 

But the contact has set me back massively, I had a huge panic attack yesterday.  Probably one of my worst.  I messaged him this morning asking if I could email him and all he said was “ok”.  So I have and I was nice, but firm, I apologised for my actions and I’ve told him that contact is not healthy for me right now.  I can’t watch him fall in love with someone else, TBH I don’t even know if he is dating, but I am not strong enough for any contact right now.  I doubt he will respond.

I just can’t seem to get over this man and I have no idea why, it’s not my longest relationship.  Its two steps forward and one step back.  I’m doing everything, writing, exercising, in therapy, but nothing is fixing me.  All I think about is him and if and what I will ever hear from him again.   I am trying so hard to detach from him, I really am, but somehow internally I can’t let go.

I want to have the courage to block him and not care…. Why do I still love this man who betrayed me to my core.

JNTT x

[Jeffree]

I want to have the courage to block him and not care…. Why do I still love this man who betrayed me to my core.

Just because you wish he'd treat you in a manner befitting of your efforts in the relationship doesn't mean you are in love with him. It just means that you still think there is a person on the other end of the emails or texts who is capable of realizing the ills of his ways. You him to be the person you fell in love with... .you want him to just be a decent human being and respect you and who you are. That's how it should be, but as we know that's not how it goes with a pwBPD. 

It'll get easier as you begin to see that the person you thought he was has left the building and isn't coming back.

J

[Pencil sketch]

Forgive me, I don't know how to repost a quote.
My t has just said as much. We still hold onto the image of the living person, we met, and due to the 'addictive' nature of the relationship, we are subconsciously craving another 'hit'.
I want nothing more, than for my ex, to reach out, and recognise her behaviour, but how can they apologise for something they feel is right.
I went over and over, how I could have done this, said that, would she still be here, and the resounding answer, is no. Our destiny and the course of the relationship, was determined right from the start, and nothing I/we could have said or done, would have avoided this, and it's left, like an unfinished book, and we are desperately trying to find a fitting end.
I accept, I love her(?) I put the question mark in, because as my t pointed out, love should not make you feel broken.
I still crave her, and probably will for a long time, but it isn't for a need that is healthy or nourishing, it's a result of the control they have instilled in us.
I hold on to the feeling, that one day, this will pass, and I will get baxk to who I was, before i met her, perhaps a little wiser for the experience.
For them, the cycle will go on, I have served my purpose, she has drained me, but as we know, you can't fill and empty bucket full of holes, and I walk away knowing, I have it my all, and that one person's distorted mind, should not change my course.
Feel sorry for the next person who stumbles into their lives, their lives, they have all this to come.
Stay strong

[Pencil sketch]

Apologies for the mistakes, hope it makes sense.

[Speck]

JNTT:

But the contact has set me back massively, I had a huge panic attack yesterday. Probably one of my worst.

I'm sorry you are going through this. But, I do think there's still hope for you to recover. Let's look at this:

I messaged him this morning asking if I could email him and all he said was “ok”.  So I have and I was nice, but firm, I apologised for my actions and I’ve told him that contact is not healthy for me right now.  I can’t watch him fall in love with someone else, TBH I don’t even know if he is dating, but I am not strong enough for any contact right now.  I doubt he will respond.

Are you wanting him to respond? What do you hope to achieve by contacting him again?

I’m doing everything, writing, exercising, in therapy, but nothing is fixing me. All I think about is him and if and what I will ever hear from him again. I am trying so hard to detach from him, I really am, but somehow internally I can’t let go.

As Harley Quinn very wisely suggested earlier, being able to protect yourself from feeling triggered and emotionally drained is really important towards your detaching and healing. In other words, until you can stop obsessing over this ex who treats you poorly, YOU run the risk of continuously re-wounding YOURSELF.

Pencil Sketch offers this:

I still crave her, and probably will for a long time, but it isn't for a need that is healthy or nourishing... .

Be good to yourself, JNTT. Treat yourself with respect, care, and kindness.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck