Daughter doesn't have room in her life for me, except to pay for everything

[Arrrgh]

First post here.

I could write reams, but I don't have the energy at the moment.  The situation is just too long running and complicated.  

Bottom line mother/ex-wife has long psychiatric history.  :)iagnosed as bipolar II I now believe the real issue is BPD.  Short story, she has poisoned daughter against me and I now believe daughter has BPD as well.  :)aughter is now 22 and, unfortunately, much like her mother.  

I've given a lot to both mother and daughter--generous settlement, generous child support and 12 years of elite private schooling and then another 3 years of Ivy League college.  

Whatever I give, it is never enough.  There is no recognition or appreciation of anything I have done.  Instead, the focus is on what I haven't done.  Now, I am the bad parent because I won't automatically agree to pay for 10 years of further schooling so daughter can do college in 5 years (extra $75,000), and then go on to become an astrophysics Ph.D. so she can earn nothing as a post-doctoral fellow.  

Her mother has done everything over the past 20 years humanly possible to undermine my relationship with daughter.  :)aughter doesn't have a place in her life for me, and apparently does not want a place in my life either--except that I get to pay for everything and whenever I bring up the issue of money, she says "money's not important."  (Except for asss like me.)  

Now that my legal obligations are over, is it OK just to cut bait and say you're on your own?  I realize that I will never have a satisfactory relationship with her.  She's been too thoroughly poisoned against me and she has many BPD issues herself.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Arrrgh]

It's me again.  I can tell that I am going to adding to my original post in stages.  It's just too exhausting to do it all at once.

When daughter was younger, I would regularly try to instill some sense of discipline in her.  This was very difficult to do because she would always just call up her mother in tears and her mother would come "rescue" her from me.  

It didn't really matter what the issue was.  Whatever it was, I was always wrong.  My efforts to discipline were undermined and I was told I was mean, bullying, and physically and mentally abusive.  After a point, I stopped really even trying to discipline her.  

I negotiated joint custody and a generous visitation schedule.  I had her about 43% of the time when she was younger.  In the eighth grade, she decided she wanted to live only with me, and I was thrilled.  Then after a semester, she just as suddenly decided she wanted to live only with her mother and just moved out one day.  

From that point on, I never really saw all that much of her.  She wouldn't come over when I invited her over to dinner.  She wouldn't visit my mother, who had a large role in raising her as well and who loves her dearly.  Throughout high school months and months would go by and I would not see her even though we both lived in NYC.  

I was so thrilled when she got into college, because it was my alma mater.  But I wasn't allowed to take her up there and I was never invited to visit her.  

After eight days, she apparently calls her mother and tells her she's not happy and wants to drop out.  Now, I have joint custody and these types of decisions are to be made jointly.  But of course, her mother does not tell me a thing except for an email as they are headed home, when it is too late to do anything.  

After that, daughter would not respond to my phone calls or emails for 3 years.  Mother would not answer a single one of my questions as to what exactly happened.  As of today, I still don't know what really happened and why she felt she had to drop out after eight days.  

She's back at school now, but she lost a year, which was also expensive since a chunk of the tuition was not refunded.  :)uring that year, she spent most of it in a series of psychiatric hospitals and residential therapy centers.  I had no relationship with her as she would not answer my calls or emails.  

Returning to college, I encouraged her to take it easy and not worry too much about grades.  She wouldn't let me know anything about what was going on--what courses she was taking, etc.  After two years I found out that she was many credits behind and planned to graduate in 5 years instead of 4 years.  

About a year ago, my mother started declining.  I used this as a reason to try to draw daughter back into the family.  It was partially successful and our relationship has been improving.  I gave her a Christmas present this year for the first time in years, because it was the first time she actually made herself available to me during the holidays.  It's called positive reinforcement.

More positive reinforcement.  I convinced her to go away with me and my other daughter (second marriage).  We were going to spend five days at a very fancy resort in the Bahamas.  Five star luxury.  I was really looking forward to spending some real time with her.  

So, what happens?  First days are always stressful.  :)aughter gets progressively more upset that I won't commit to 10 years of some sort of graduate school, probably astrophysics, because that's what she wants to do today.  Come night, she basically blows up at me and says she doesn't want to be on the trip.  She calls her mother to complain and says she has to go home.  I tell her calmly that it's been a stressful day, let's all go to sleep, and we'll all be in a better mood tomorrow.  

The next day, she announces she's going home.  Her mother has bought her a return ticket.  I beg, beg, beg her not to go home, but she refuses and tells me she is going home.  :)oesn't want to be a part of this family.  I say, OK, you've got your wish.  You're not a part of this family.  I'm done paying for your education.  

According to my separation agreement, I agreed to pay for all educational expenses until she was 22.  This should have covered four years of college.  But she missed the first year (even though I still had to pay $15000) and now she wants to graduate in 5 years not 4.  So that leaves 2 years to be paid for.  I've basically decided I'm not paying for those.  

[Feeling Better]

Hello Arrrgh

You have come to the right place to vent and also for help and support.

I am so sorry to hear of the situation that you find yourself in now with your daughter. It is really painful when our children turn their backs on us when we have always done the very best that we could for them.

Your legal obligations to support your daughter have ended, that is true, and I may be wrong, please correct me if I am, I sense that you might be struggling a little with your moral obligations to your daughter. Do you think that is the case?

Hope you don’t mind me asking, do you feel some guilt for wanting to cut your financial support for your daughter?

[Rosie1q]

Hi Arrrgh
I’m a grandmother who’s 13 year old granddaughter walked out of a loving home on Mother’s day her father has been grooming her secretly by phone. My point is it’s called parental alienation which I believe has happened to your daughter too. If you go on u tube you can get more information about it and on the internet too. We had never heard of it .Personally I feel for you however you have options tell her no or pay it another is draw up a legal contract where she pays you back with no interest as a loan and see what her reaction is. Make it clear that you love her but you have boundaries now so take or leave it she is not a child anymore. Your here for her to offer love and support. I hope this helps but I’m no expert so read as much as you can and try the tools on this site too.   

[Arrrgh]

Yes, that is it.  I am struggling with my moral obligations. 

[Faith Spring]

Hi Aargh,

When struggling with our moral obligations let's not forget we have a moral obligation to show our children consequences, right from wrong. 

I'm new here, no expert.  Just struggling with my 17 year old daughter recently diagnosed with BPD.  you have a moral obligation to stick to your own values too.  If it's wrong to shell out $ to her while she disrespects you, then do the right thing. 

Hope you have some peace here. 

[Arrrgh]

Thank you.  Reading through the posts here, there is so much that I can relate to.  Of course, every situation is different, but one commonality is how long, involved and energy-draining the stories are.  Just reading them drains me so much. 

[wendydarling]

Hi Arrgh

Welcome to the community   

As you say what ever you give is not enough, you are towards the end of financial obligations and this is an opportune time for change and that can be good, you are here  Take your time good time, stand back here with us.

WDx