Frustrated—she's my daughter and I love her. I hate this world of BPD

[Ednamae]

This is when I wish I had a friend or someone that "gets it". My daughter comes down in a rage because she can't find her vape pen. In the process of trying to find it she sits her phone down and is even more mad that now she can't find her phone. Her "friend" wanted her to come visit today (because she wants to use my daughter for a ride to the doctor), and wants her there by 11:30. So my daughter is raging at me. I keep telling myself it's not me-it's not my fault. All of this is because she's frustrated. But then she gets mad at me because I am "scared of her" and am afraid to talk. But if I do talk or say something it's wrong and she'll go on and on in a rage about something I said. Lose, lose situation here. I tell her to take my car to her friend's because her windshield wiper is broke on her car and it's raining. That doesn't even make her happy-she goes into a rage because she can't even drive her own car and listen to her own music. I have to go on... .she's my daughter and I love her. I hate this world of BPD!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bluek9]

Hi Ednamae,

               I hear you loud and clear! I hate it too, hate all the fall out, drama, tantrums, screaming and yelling, raging, and I don't need to go on because I know you get it. First things first -- you RIGHT, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. But damn it sucks having to be the target all the time. I use to tell myself I could take it and let it roll it off of me. That worked for about a year. Then I cried all the time. Now I reinforce my personal boundaries (I wont subject myself to verbal abuse) by simply saying I'll talk and or listen to you when it can be without the hate and blaming. Of course that took years of practice. For right now you just show up here and vent, I totally understand.

[Ednamae]

Thank you! I'm scared to tell her that I will talk to her once she's done raging because that sends her into a bigger rage. Holes in walls, her cutting herself, pulling her hair, throwing things. I just try to say nothing. She walked out the door and I let loose and bawled only for her to walk back in because she forgot something. She saw me crying and got so mad! "I hate that you're scared of me". "I hate that you act like I abuse you". Told her I was just trying not to say anything because it would just make her mad. "I hate that you treat me different-like you have to be so careful around me". Anger! Just angry all the time-at everyone and everything.

[please]

Hi ednamae,
I get the same from my D. and I will admit that I am terrified of her. I never have the right words, or actions to help her. I hate it too. I have felt that I am in a tornado and cannot stop it. I don't have advice for you on how to deal with this as I am learning too. I don't really want to do this. I just want it to go away.
We all just need a break.
All the best

[Ednamae]

I appreciate the responses! Truly! It's hard when you go through this, and have no one to vent to! She just FaceTime'd me from her friend's house in the best mood-talk about a roller coaster! Ugh.
She's so intelligent, and I've always been told by teachers, other parents etc that she will go so far in life. I'm so sad... .she really could/would have if it weren't for BPD. It's robbed me of my girl. It's robbed her of a happy, "normal" life. My emotions are a roller coaster-I'm angry and then sad. I've always protected her (even lied for her, made excuses for her), and this... .well I can't make this go away. I can't save her

[Yat4]

Yes, I know!  Some days it seems I can't say or do anything right. I've got to where I just keep my mouth shut too and let the fire burn itself out. I guess there are so many of us in this position, but I don't know any in person. I'm so thankful for this board!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you! I'm scared to tell her that I will talk to her once she's done raging because that sends her into a bigger rage. Holes in walls, her cutting herself, pulling her hair, throwing things. I just try to say nothing. She walked out the door and I let loose and bawled only for her to walk back in because she forgot something. She saw me crying and got so mad! "I hate that you're scared of me". "I hate that you act like I abuse you". Told her I was just trying not to say anything because it would just make her mad. "I hate that you treat me different-like you have to be so careful around me". Anger! Just angry all the time-at everyone and everything.

She's projecting. She's clearly mad at herself. My daughter does this all the time. Have you tried saying things like "I'm sorry you're so frustrated, losing things is the worst." Validating that piece that's true (losing things is frustrating) can help diffuse the situation.

I also recommend not making suggestions that seem helpful to you. It took me like two years to figure that one out. My daughter is upset and wants to vent but she will ask if she actually wants help. Me trying to help always made things worse

[Ednamae]

Hello! Thank you for the advice! I have tried not to give her advice... .then I'm a piece of crap because I don't care. She calls/texts me everytime she has a problem (whether it be big or small) wanting me to take care of it and make it better for her or take it away. I have told her her options in those cases, but if the options don't take it away she gets out of control raging that I don't have the answer. It's a lose, lose. If I don't respond or simply say I'm sorry you're feeling this way I'm evil and the rage is bad. But if I try to help I'm evil (because the options don't take the problem away).
She is getting physically ill, and I can't help but think it's because of this. She loves her job, but just called off at the last minute again today because she's sick (dry heaves and headache). She's starting to rage now because she doesn't feel good. I know she's mad that she called off. But this is going to be hell for me

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Ednamae

I'm so sorry, that sounds just terrible. Those days feel never ending.  My daughter at least would stomp into her room and slam the door if she got mad enough at me and I kept saying I couldn't do anything. I guess I was lucky!

Is there any way you could leave the house for a bit?

I hope your day isn't too bad. Maybe shell sleep a lot!

[Ednamae]

Hello!
I've tried to leave the house, but she starts texting me demanding I come back or take care of whatever she needs fixed or things start to break. I just had her room drywalled and there's holes in the new drywall now, doors broke, pictures and anything that's close thrown. She has thrown the vacuum and broke it. Then when she calms down she barely remembers what happened.

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Ugh! My daughter used to black out but really rarely. In some states (not sure where you live) you can ask the police to take them in on a psych hold for 72 hours. It sounds extreme but if she gets to that level of raging I am not sure what else could interrupt it and also show her some consequences. I hope someone else has a better suggestion.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[MomMae]

Hi Ednamae,
Unfortunately I don't have any words of wisdom but I just wanted to offer my support and understanding for what it's worth. 

I liked Hyacinth's suggestion of not offering advice, as this was really part of the turning point with my daughter.  I am a "solver" by nature, so I always had suggestions for her, but that typically just spiralled as she had excuse after excuse why anything I said was idiotic or impossible.  Once I kept my lips zipped on advice and just listened things started to improve.  Now, I will sometimes gently offer suggestions but I am very, very careful how I couch it... .Something like... ."I don't know if this would be of any use, but perhaps... ."  If she counters it, I just say Okay, it was just a thought... .or ask her what she thinks might work better... .  I remind her to use her DBT skills, tell her I have faith in her being able to do something, and then sit back and try to keep quiet. (more often then not she will actually end up following my suggestion or at least a version of it now that I have changed my approach, whereas before she would just fight it no matter how much sense it made!) I can see know that by always trying to rescue her, I was actually enabling her.  It is a hard habit for us moms to break... .it is our nature to protect and nurture.

Unfortunately it sounds like this doesn't work for your daughter - almost like you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't.  Maybe in a period of calm you could tell her that you are confident that she is capable of handling most things in her life and while you will be there for support (if she is respectful toward you), you won't be jumping in to solve things.  ... .just a thought... .I know things in real life are way more complex than this... .

Thinking of you, Ednamae.  Let us know how the day goes!

[Ednamae]

Thank you so much MomMae!  I'm going to try to not "Rescue" her so much. It is hard as her mom. I've been rescuing her for years-before knowing her diagnosis. So now I have to try to back off. This is the hardest... .she freaks out at ANY kind of change, so me not rescuing her anymore is going to really be a hard challenge. But I want to do what's best for her. If that means stepping back then that's what I need to do. I know it will result in a lot more rage, but anymore it doesn't matter if I try to "rescue" or not-there's rage either way.
I wish there was an escape for me... .but I take care of my mom also so it's never ending. I'm emotionally drained. I just want to cry 24/7. Because even if my D is happy it's multiplied by 1,000 and she goes a million miles an hour which is exhausting. I would rather be exhausted from her good mood though than the rage.
It's my nature to be a caregiver-I've always taken care of her, now my mom (for 2 years now), and my alcoholic sister (in rehab right now). I'm the one people call to take care of things... .I'm the "strong one".
The BPD is fairly new to me, and the more I read and learn about it the more terrified and depressed I get. Knowing she will never be "normal" breaks my heart

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Hi Ednamae,

You have so much on your plate!

Have you considered going to something like codependents anonymous or al-anon? Either of those might help you alot. They would definitely aid in the not rescuing piece and give you an in person community to talk to. Just a thought since you mentioned your sister is also an alcoholic.

Thinking of you today

[Ednamae]

I would absolutely love to go to one of those meetings. We live in a small town, so there's not a lot of choices. Have you heard of "celebrate recovery"? I have gone to a couple of those... .when everyone disperses into separate groups I went into the co-dependency group. It is hard for me to go to those meetings though. My mom is involved in everything-she has played the organ at our church for 60 years now so she has to play for choir practice on the same nights as the meetings. There is no one else to help with mom. So I'm it. She's also in Church Women United (president), Music Club, Red Hats, Birthday Club, Retired Teachers Club, church council. And then all of her doctor's visits. I feel torn between my daughter and my parents. I am strong so I know I will be ok. It's just really hard to get time for me. There's no time for me. It's not a choice at this point.
I so truly appreciate the words of advice everyone has had! I did make an appt with a counselor for myself. It's in 2 weeks.

[bluek9]

Ednamae,

         I just read a post the other day that included the 3 c's, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't change it".
I know it's so hard to sit and watch or wait when you're in the middle of the storm. I just stopped fixing things when my daughter did that. Oh yea to be sure she came back with the same things your daughter says "you don't care, if you did you'd fix it". I guess I'm hard core, I've been dealing with my daughter for 35 years. I spend way too many years trying to get in her head and figure things out. I literally can't do it any more. I have compassion for her, I know she is truly suffering inside but, again I can't fix that. She is a smart thinking person who needs to lean how to navigate her world in a way that works for her. No she doesn't always get it. I'm 60, I'm tired, in 2009 when she really went off the deep end we had a 30 day break from each other. I just made up my mind that if she wanted to interact with me it would have to be on my terms.
        I'm really sorry that you are scared of her ad the destruction she causes, that's awful. It's so hard for us as parents to find balance. I'm sending you strength and hope, I know you have it in you to protect yourself.