Can't accept current cycle of unrelenting financial demands

[O.B.T.S.]

I have a partner with  B.P.D. and I don't know what direction to turn with my relationship... .

When times are good, we enjoy our times together, and my partner is bubbling with energy and life, and we have great times together.

One facet of the relationship is my partner's unrelenting demands for my resources (time, money, sympathy etc) ... Often life with my partner seems to jump from 'drama' to 'drama', requiring me to drop everything (even to the extent where I'll cancel other plans) to resolve the issue/personal chauffeur/run errands to the store etc. ... My partner gets quite resentful, if I spend my free time with other (platonic) friends, or our time together has to end, as I have work early the next day, or an appointment etc.

The money aspect of the B.P.D. is turning into a real worry for me, and is my partner's most demanding trait, and causes the most 'splitting' ... .It's got to the point where I can't say 'No' that I have got myself into debt to deal with my partner's money problems (caused by my S.O. by frivolous spending, impulse desires of expensive stuff, and risky behaviour)

... Also, with respect to the money issue, when I do say No, and remind my S.O. how its ruined me, there seems to be no empathy, and instead I get the initial rant at what a terrible person I am, and you dont understand my life etc, then I get silent treatment/contact blocked for days on end.  

... A few days later my S.O. comes back, as if nothing has happened, full of love etc... .We're stuck in a cycle of this happening, as when we are back together, the demands (especially money wise) just seem to ramp up over time, until I 'dare' to say 'No' again... .It often feels like manipulation... .

We're on our 4th 'break' now... I'm in the middle of a HUGE S.O. 'ghosting' episode at the moment, and its been well over a week without contact (the latest request equates to a large portion of a weeks wages).
Usually, its smaller amounts, but they all add up, and for saying 'no' to those, the post rant silence is usually 24... 72Hrs

I've been with my S.O. for a while, but we're not at the co-habiting stage yet...
I'd consider staying with my S.O; but not on current terms, is there anything I can do to 'tame' the B.P.D?

Failing a 'change' , the most likely option is a break-up unfortunately.
Whats the best way to handle it with a B.P.D. ?
(Cons significantly outweigh the Pros A.T.M.)


IE: When my S.O. communicates again, do I 'ghost' myself, or do I set a boundary that all of the above behaviour is unacceptable and that we need to go separate ways, or is there a no blame way of breaking up with a B.P.D.?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm glad you found us.  As you are beginning to understand, these relationships are so challenging.

I want to assure you we can help.  My relationship and life are so much better. 

Can you look to the right of the screen... click on "choosing a path" and do some reading?  I'm interested in your thoughts on what you've read.  It will help us guide you.

Best to you... .life can get better!

FF

[DaddyBear77]

I'd like to also offer a warm welcome, O.B.T.S. 

The escalating demands are something I've experienced quite a bit in my relationship. I understand how hard they can be.

It sounds like you're leaning toward ending things, but you're also considering the option of setting boundaries. Are you looking at the possibility of setting boundaries as a means to improve the relationship?

If you were to "ghost" her as an option, what outcome would you hope to see from that strategy?

[Speck]

Hello, O.B.T.S.!

 

I'd like to join formflier and DaddyBear77 in welcoming you to the forum. I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. We also support each other here.

One facet of the relationship is my partner's unrelenting demands for my resources (time, money, sympathy etc) ... Often life with my partner seems to jump from 'drama' to 'drama', requiring me to drop everything.

I'm sorry you are experiencing this. However, I think you'll find a lot of parallels here - lots of members (including me) have similar stories. You will see from reading the posts here that you are far from alone.

The money aspect of the B.P.D. is turning into a real worry for me, and is my partner's most demanding trait, and causes the most 'splitting' ... .It's got to the point where I can't say 'No' that I have got myself into debt to deal with my partner's money problems.

This is definitely concerning! I guess you're seeing how destructive (to you) this behavior is on a financial front. I applaud your efforts to stop this demanding trait, but I see that you are having a hard time seeing any progress. Even so, you can't very well have your SO financially bankrupt you!

... Also, with respect to the money issue, when I do say No, and remind my S.O. how its ruined me, there seems to be no empathy, and instead I get the initial rant at what a terrible person I am, and you dont understand my life etc, then I get silent treatment/contact blocked for days on end.

 

This is also quite concerning! But, I am glad that you are recognizing her reaction to your financial stress as an unhealthy one.

I've been with my S.O. for a while, but we're not at the co-habiting stage yet... .

I can understand your reticence to cohabitate. Is this something that you think would improve things?

I'd consider staying with my S.O; but not on current terms, is there anything I can do to 'tame' the B.P.D?

As formflier suggests, there are site articles and helpful tools that can be utilized by you to help you navigate this relationship. The tools are for YOU, but in time, hopefully, will improve your overall relationship.

Failing a 'change', the most likely option is a break-up unfortunately. Whats the best way to handle it with a B.P.D.?

When you are finally able to talk with her, just tell her what your terms are. She can then choose how she will handle your request for change. Her reaction thereafter should inform you in how to proceed.

IE: When my S.O. communicates again, do I 'ghost' myself, or do I set a boundary that all of the above behaviour is unacceptable and that we need to go separate ways... .

What do you need to do that will lend itself to a path of harmony and peace for yourself?

... .or is there a no blame way of breaking up with a B.P.D.?

From my experience, and from all that I have read about the disorder, blame is the name of the game for those suffering from BPD. I am sorry.


I believe you will be greatly comforted by the support here and the fact that we really understand what you are going through. We've all been there to varying degrees. Take care of yourself. We will look out for future posts from you.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[O.B.T.S.]

Ok, thanks for the advice, and guidance towards the self help pages... .

With respect to the 'would co-habiting help the relationship' ... Yes I feel it would bond us closer together, but I would only consider it, if I can moderate my S.O.'s unhealthy and damaging financial attitude ... .Moving in together, whilst the financial issue is ongoing and unresolved would be "open season" for driving me to bankruptcy

My plan for the way forward, is as follows:
... .When my S.O. resumes contact, I will explain the boundaries, both in practical terms (again), and also, framed in terms of emotional impact on me (hoping that the emotional framing will have impact on my BPD S.O. , as BPD appears to have a significant 'hyper emotion' component)

... .If this fails, my next stage, is to end it. Again, the emotional impact will be framed
IE 'How do you think I feel when you do X,Y&Z ... .I feel ignored/worthless/taken for granted etc, things as they are can't continue ... .  I'll miss you, but I think we should follow separate paths, and good luck and health for the future' type chat

[O.B.T.S.]

@DaddyBear77

'Ghosting' would achieve immediate closure, with reciprocation of the behaviours I've been shown (what's good for the goose, is good for the gander)

... .It's a cowards way out really, and I think I should have some discussion instead

[Speck]

It's great to hear from you again, O.B.T.S.

With respect to the 'would co-habiting help the relationship' ... Yes I feel it would bond us closer together, but I would only consider it, if I can moderate my S.O.'s unhealthy and damaging financial attitude ... .Moving in together, whilst the financial issue is ongoing and unresolved would be "open season" for driving me to bankruptcy

So, cohabitation could potentially allow you to bond more closely, but most probably drive you into financial ruin? I can see that you love her and that cohabitation may fulfill a long-held wish/dream for you, but sometimes wishes and dreams are just that when our BPD partners are untreated and lack self-awareness. I understand your hesitation to become more entrenched with her.

My plan for the way forward, is as follows:
... .When my S.O. resumes contact, I will explain the boundaries, both in practical terms (again), and also, framed in terms of emotional impact on me... .

Well said. I don't know any other practical way to do it.

... .If this fails, my next stage, is to end it. Again, the emotional impact will be framed IE 'How do you think I feel when you do X,Y&Z ... .I feel ignored/worthless/taken for granted etc, things as they are can't continue ... .  I'll miss you, but I think we should follow separate paths, and good luck and health for the future' type chat

Also, well said. As there is no such thing as luck, I wish you peace and clarity of mind instead.


-Speck

[O.B.T.S.]

I've had the 'boundaries' conversation, which went VERY badly and my S.O. has very definitely 'split black'.

My S.O.s family, who are obviously 'white' at the moment, have been fed the distorted version of events, so, I've had a couple of abusive texts

My S.O. has broken contact with me for quite a while now, and as far as I'm concerned, the trust is gone (why poison your family against me)...

Sadly (but with some relief), I'm reporting that it's over. If contact is resumed if I'm split white again, then I'll maintain 'no contact' myself

[Speck]

Hello again, O.B.T.S:

Sorry I haven't gotten to this post until now. Thank you so much for continuing to share:

Sadly (but with some relief), I'm reporting that it's over. If contact is resumed if I'm split white again, then I'll maintain 'no contact' myself

I am so sorry for your struggle here. It's extremely tough to be treated in this manner, by someone we love. I see that you're moving toward a detached path now. That's quite understandable considering the circumstances. You are not alone, friend. There are many on the Detaching Board weathering this particular storm, and I think you could benefit by getting support there, if you so choose.

What are you doing for self-care? Do have access to a therapist?

Please let us know if you're feeling stuck, or just need to vent.

Keep writing, keep processing, keep learning!


-Speck

[AnuDay]

BPD is all about boundaries: setting them, maintaining them, and ultimately breaking them.  It is up to you to set the boundary on what level of financial manipulation you will accept and tolerate in a relationship and to stick with that boundary, that is the only way this will work.  If you give in now you will have just succumbed to a new boundary and standard for treatment and you will have to maintain that boundary to maintain the relationship. So now you are attempting to regain some control over your financial life and maybe/hopefully it works and if it works that will be your new boundary that you will have to set and maintain no matter how bad she acts.  No, she will not maintain a high energy, loving attitude, there will always be ups and downs.  Good luck and I agree you should do some reading on this site.

I just read the last post... .you'll get through it and you'll be stronger for it... .also, another cycle cannot be ruled out at this time. 

[Tattered Heart]

This post was moved from Conflicted to Bettering.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi OBTS,

SOrry that you are currently being split black. It sounds like your pwBPD has difficulty in your saying no to her. That makes sense though. To someone with BPD "no" can be seen as a form of rejection. When she feels rejected, then she withdraws from you.

How do you tell her no? (Like what are the words you say?)

I've learned that with my H it is often not what I say, but how I say it. If I can say a hard truth to him in a way that does not cause him to feel embarrassed, shamed, rejected, or disrespected, then I can say almost anything to him and he responds well to it or will politely disagree.

One of my favorite tools for this is SET . Can you review this tool and then come back here to practice how to address finances with her when she asks you to pay for something? you can't afford.

[Speck]

Hello, O.B.T.S.:

How things going for you today?

We're always open, if you need to talk.


-Speck

[zachira]

A book you might find helpful is "Your Money & Your Brain" by Jason Zweig.