BPD Wife Jealous of my relationship with daughter

[cx4nt]

Hi everyone -- this is my first post. Been living with my BPD wife for 12 years, second marriage with a blended family. She's been in therapy for a while but I just really understood the diagnosis in the past weeks and am trying to manage the situation. My biggest challenge is with my 18 year old daughter, who is a very bright and thoughtful person. She has been trying to manage her relationship with her stepmom along the way as well.  My wife is extremely jealous of my relationship with my daughter, which is one of the greatest joys in my life. She will either overtly attack and demonize it or subtly try to drive a wedge between us.  This has been the main topic of conversation when I've attended therapy with her, yet she continues to do it.  Just today, while at work, I get a text from my wife asking if I was getting text responses from my daughter. I asked, what do you mean? Next message is "well -- that's fine I deserve it." This in the middle of an already busy and stressful work day.  I responded can we talk about this later, after work? -- and got no response. Now I sit and worry stew get angry wonder try to work not sure what I'm coming home to. I don't know what she texted my daughter and didn't discuss it with her yet, not wanting to try and control or manipulate the situation (a mistake I've made in the past). I know my daughter is very cautious and sometimes afraid to respond because so many traps have been set before.

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[NGU]

Hi cx4nt. Welcome.

You showed a decent amount of restraint not pushing the conversation with your daughter, since you've noticed it caused problems for you in the past. Obviously this interim period can feel like forever and lead to some anxiety.

It sounds like you were typing this from work. It's around 12 hours later at this point, so I'm wondering what coming home was like for you. Maybe you can add a Part 2.

-ngu

[cx4nt]

I'm in "not taking the bait mode" and it seems to be working very well.  My wife never brought it up again and was clearly thrown by the fact I didn't react.  It was a peaceful night and morning thus far. I read a BPD doctor's article that said many BPDs actually wan their efforts to hook their partners attention to fail.  So far this seems to be the case with her.  Controlling my own emotions and reactions is key.  Of course, my daughter wasn't with us this weekend and doesn't come back until Monday, so we will see how that goes.

[NGU]

I read a BPD doctor's article that said many BPDs actually wan their efforts to hook their partners attention to fail.

Do you have a link to that?

Also, if you have the time, I'd love to see more detail on this:

was clearly thrown by the fact I didn't react.

My wife has never been thrown when I don't react, but it's definitely a way to avoid any future/escalating tension on the topic.

[cx4nt]

Yeah, I guess it depends.  Some will give up but still be "mad" and it seems that some it sends them into a complete rage if they don't get you to react, which means they really don't want it to fail.  For me it seems the trick is not to take the bait but also to act completely normal as if it never happened.  She has been in therapy and working on things for a while, so she may be further along then some others who will up the ante if you don't react.

[NGU]

it seems that some it sends them into a complete rage if they don't get you to react

I remember this from previous relationships. Some angry people get a dose of calm in return and translate it as belittling or sarcasm.