It's my birthday - what's the chance of her contacting?

[lighthouse9]

Ok ... .I'm not that desperate for contact from her, but I do recognize that if she is going to contact for a non-logistics reason, today is the day.

I wanted to start a thread because it's on my mind and I don't want to spend the whole day ruminating about it. I have to go to a baby shower today and see a bunch of family friends who either don't know about us separating or have only just learned. Needless to say, it might be a stressful day.

I'm sure I'll be checking in later, whether she contacts or not, because I know that unfortunately I'm still at a place where both affect me in one way or another.

In better news, the table is done I'm staring at my bank account wondering if it would be too impulsive to start buying supplies for the next project.

In more "observational" news, I think I'm getting better at recognizing when it's not ok to share stuff with my FOO. My folks are planning a birthday dinner for my sister and I for tomorrow and my mom was asking what I wanted to eat. I wasn't too enthused and just thanked her for doing it, but said I'm not really excited about my birthday at this point. I told her that I just kind of feel like my birthday is another reminder of time passing and how many steps back I've taken in my life lately. I'm a hard working, goal-oriented person, but untreated mental illness laughs in the face of outcome dependence. I'm working on being more outcome independent, but not at the risk of losing sight of the things that are important to me.

When I shared with my mom that I wasn't feeling thrilled about my birthday, she said that she remembered what that felt like from her divorce (before she met my dad). Her divorce was much worse than mine will be in many ways, and I almost feel like any time she tries to relate to me she has to share that fact. It shuts down any and all conversation about how I'm feeling. I know she doesn't mean any harm by it, but the invalidation is glaring. So, in observational news, I'm "seeing" what invalidation looks and sounds like, I'm feeling how awful it feels, and I'm starting to remember the ways I did that to my STBX wife. I can be better, and I know it. I really hope I get the opportunity with her to be better, but not without my boundaries intact, and not without knowing that she wants to work at it, too.

I've said it before, but I really feel like I've been enrolled in an intensive training program on learning to be a better human and facing my challenges and insecurities. Then I step back and think to myself that these opportunities to learn have always been there, I'm just finally ready to see them and do something about it. Happy birthday to me, this year will certainly be transformative and while I don't look forward to the pain and struggle, I look forward to mastering the lessons.

[Cromwell]

No one can realistically predict but I have heard that these events can be trigger days. Depends on a lot of factors that were unique to your r/s. What your post got me thinking something though was that I never got a visit from my ex on my birthday, but I did get a visit from her on hers. (where I never made any contact or sent any cards etc).

That could either be due to the fact that it is all about their needs (egocentric behaviour) or maybe just down to logistics on those days. Hard to know either way.

At least that you are aware of the possibility, you wont be surprised by it. I also expected something to happen and it did, which was even still a surprise as I had not given any contact for about 4 months up until that point, despite some small amount of stalking from my exwBPD during that time.

So yes, the possibility is there and id say a higher chance than if it wasnt someone with BPD.

[stixx44]

Happy birthday!  Whether your ex contacts you or not is anybody’s guess... .they’re all the same and different, too.

My bday was on a Saturday in March... .a BIG bday!  We had plans to go on her motorcycle to lunch by the ocean.  A nice day was planned.

She broke up with me the Tuesday before.  But after she did that, in the same convo, asked if we could continue our plans!  So bizarre. 

Anyway, on my birthday I did not hear from her but I did hear from two surrogate friends of hers who never, ever text me.  I thought in one case she might have used her friend’s phone, as I had blocked her number.

Be prepared for anything.  I hope your birthday is wonderful in spite of all of this stuff.

[lighthouse9]

Hey Cromwell and Stixx, thanks for chiming in and for the birthday love.

Alas, no birthday message from her. It fits her current pattern, which is to avoid all things and pretend like I don't exist. The only reason I somewhat expected something from her is because I had sent her a friendly and brief email on hers a few weeks ago to wish her a good day, and she's been pretty good about mirroring whatever contact or communication style I initiate.

As usual, it leaves me with more questions about her mental state and intentions. Is she just being a jerk? (Probably not, it's not in her nature) Is she just avoiding me? (Likely, she avoids things that cause her emotional distress) Did she forget? (Unlikely, but possible. Also possible that she's found a new temporary lover while at training and is using him/her to distract herself.) Is she not functioning well? (More likely, especially in interpersonal stuff. She's probably crushing it at work but is frozen over something like whether or not to wish me a happy birthday.) Is she fearful of going home in another week and facing the world she burned to the ground? (Possible, but that's giving her a lot of credit for thinking that far ahead, which I'm not sure she has done. She's not one for anticipatory anxiety.)

Regardless of these questions, I'm left with the same answers: she's not here, she's not reaching out, and my birthday was not an opportunity for her to even relay friendly well wishes. Oh well.

I got a little bit sad yesterday thinking of some the silly things she used to do for me on my birthday. She had a tradition of doing something that always made me laugh and she was pretty wonderful about marking the occasion. That in itself is one reason it feels weird that she wouldn't even send a brief email.

Where is the woman I knew? Locked away in her own head? Only alive in my memories? Is she suffering? It must be awful to feel so differently so quickly. Maybe even more awful than mourning the loss of someone who suddenly doesn't behave like you exist, despite still being married. How many people has she loved that she turned on quickly, and has she ever processed that? Do they all live inside her like deadweight? Will she ever grieve and let them go?

My day was reasonably ok and even good at times. I was surrounded by old friends and family friends, all people that came to our wedding and knew our relationship as well as anyone else. It was hard to be around them at first, but I'm learning how much every family has something and has some experience with something unexplainable or awful. I spent part of the night talking to a family friend whose daughter is bipolar and an addict and who is married to a man who is likely NPD and also an addict. We had such a good talk about how you can't force someone to get help and how at some point you have to just back off and protect yourself, which is where I'm at now. It was nice to talk about things openly, especially because I've had so little opportunity to do so with my FOO. I might catch hell for it later from them, but whatever. They all seem more open to the idea of me waiting her out to see what move she makes next and don't blame me for holding out some hope while also getting my affairs in order and making moves for a future without her. Maybe it is because they've seen it in their own families and understand that this stuff is messy. It's hard for me to swallow sometimes, because both of my sisters went through something similar with their husbands and when they reconciled they were met with open arms from my parents. I think my folks are just kind of done with family drama, so like I said in my original post, I'm limiting how much I share.

Stixx - your birthday story is bizarre and I'm so sorry you went through that. It reminds me of a story with my STBX wife. I had informed her that my boss was going to let me work remotely so I could move out of state, but that I would have to come back at least once a month to stay connected. This was right after she asked for a divorce and was severely dysregulating, and right before she moved out. She said she was so happy for me that I could work remotely and invited me to stay with her when I came back to town. I just looked at her like there's no way this isn't registering. It took everything in me not to say "you know you're the reason I have to move and am going to work remotely, right?" Instead, I just said, thank you that is very kind of you to offer and filed it in my head under the growing file of "bizarre things that make no sense."

[Cromwell]

Hi lighthouse, I can really understand how you may feel about not sharing your birthday with her, especially as the times prior to that she made it special for you. My BPDx knew exactly how to give me the best happiness on my birthday, I still have such good memories of this, and it is this remembering that makes it very hard for me some days. It is these not only good, but amazing memories that make me think "why is this person casted out my life, at those moments they were so great to be with". Which forces me to then have to think why, of course this isnt unpleasant. So I tend to just not think much about it anymore, which does help.

It really is the worst thing to go through but also a true test of character. I see you asking a lot of questions to yourself which cant really be answered at all, not even by her. The thing you mentioned about all her past relationships living inside her like a deadweight. No I dont think they are actively thought about (can you imagine the emotional intensity of it if they did have to!), they are very much out-of-sight out-of-mind. however, there can be triggers and this is where they have to remember, and this can either go two ways, the defence mechanism of "oh that one was painted black and i discarded", but if they had been the ones discarded, it can go either way. My ex used to do both when triggered about her past, but i really do believe that we are completely forgotten about in terms of them going about their day to day lives, part of the reason they always need to have someone so as not to be alone (a distraction). Thats what I believe anyway.

[lighthouse9]

I won't lie, her not acknowledging my birthday has at least temporarily pushed me a little further in the detachment journey. Cromwell, your reminder that things like birthdays are emotional triggers got me back into learning and reading mode, and I found myself accepting that yes, my birthday was probably a trigger for her.

I had planned to try to open a dialogue with her if she sent well wishes, but her lack of acknowledgment tells me it's not a good time. It may never be a good time, and I may run out of time. I fell asleep last night with some peace, remarkably. I'm not sure what brought it on, because my sadness is here, too. I have never felt the "good riddance" that so many people describe on here. I accept who she is and could be with a version of her who accepted who she is, too (and worked towards not alienating people in her life who love her).

I think I'm starting to realize that I'm loving her in a way that will never make sense to her without some serious work on her end. I knew this, rationally, but it's starting to sink in a bit more emotionally. I expect more rollercoaster for myself in the future, but has anyone else felt a sense of calm with radical acceptance? Maybe I've been working really hard at it, but every time I hear myself saying "I wish she would just... ." I respond in my brain with "she's doing the best she can." Thank God for Brene Brown dictating her whole journey of believing that people are doing the best they can. Anyone else listened to her stuff on that?

[Lucky Jim]

I think I'm starting to realize that I'm loving her in a way that will never make sense to her without some serious work on her end

Right, lighthouse9, and you can't do the "serious work" for her.  It must have been a let-down when you didn't hear from her on your birthday.  On the other hand, it is also a message that she is not open to dialogue at present, which may help you to let go.  I suggest you put your energy where your power is, in the things within your control (usually just oneself.).

LJ