Spouse's emotional boundary failure: How do you manage?

[braveSun]

Well, back I am again!...    

It's been several years since I have detached and moved on from a failed romantic relationship attempt with a pwBPD. You should find me wiser now.

Got later married (in 2016) to someone with whom I had been in a long term relationship before all this trouble started and reconnected with in 2015. After at least 18 months of NC with the pwBPD. I was thinking that I was really moving on (back) into a healthy relationship this time, and that our previously shared love was going to grow back to what it was like before we had separated.

Well, no.

I have had therapy for a year last year over this aspect of my emotional difficulties to re-connect with my spouse. Now there seem to be some difficulties with her as well. To my bewilderment, my spouse, whom I have now known for over 22 years, and been in an intimate relationship with for 18 of those years, is having many traits similar to a high functioning pwNPD. On and off.

One of the difficulties I have in particular now is the intense emotional intimacy she has with other people with whom she connects (no sex, more like emotional affairs) very quickly. Mainly while smoking marijuana. I don't use marijuana.

Some aftereffects of that include her having off and on paranoid episodes, where she can split and paint me/our marriage black. Have had fits of hostilities (aggressive criticism of our relationship, or my views on our relationship, or my person, values, work, even my therapist). Have received some of my work (I am a creative) and she ignored it all together, never said a word, while having these intense emotional connections with others, and reporting how well they have achieved in their lives. Have taken spur of the moment decisions affecting negatively my life while I am financially dependent of her. Have put pressures for unrealistic expectations (pushed for unrealistic deadlines) regarding how much time it takes for a person my age (in my late 50s) to start working in my field or find sustainable work. Generally expects me to live a life at a lower financial standard than hers, even while living in her home. Have denied that our 18 years relationship ever existed for real (rewriting of our history to fit the projection du jour ). And have played actively in emotional triangulation, where she turns other people against me. Some recent friendships,  acquaintances, and more fragile friends/family members in particular.

This feels so much like déjà vu  for me because of my past experiences with the exwBPD. I am stunned-hurt each episode. There seem to be no regular relationship anymore, like I thought had before with her.

I have been with this for 2 years now. At this time cannot afford a therapist, so support groups like here are my go-to place.

I know I can't share with her the experiences I have had with the pwBPD when we were separated. She is generally presenting hostility towards the people who are from the same ethnic group than that person. And I don't specially want to talk about it with her either, after all that has been going on between us.

It's extremely painful for me to watch this unfurling. Like as if I had not enough knowledge years ago to put a name on her eccentricities, and she had NPD all along. And/or possibly I was managing this better before encountering a pwBPD. Or there has been too many painful events for her when we were separated and she's not quite the same now. Now my resilience to the effect of these behaviors on my self-worth is much weaker than it used to be. I am starting a new life in a new country and am dependent on her financially until I can support myself independently. Every step towards my personal independence feels like a step towards a life with knowing I have to become an immigrant alone in this country, growing out of a relationship that has very little chances of working.

I have read and read on these boards here almost every day since I have been out of therapy (financial reasons). It helps me feel better every time I read someone's story where I can find similarities. And similarities, there is!...

I cannot express my gratitude enough for this site. Was trying to avoid posting all this time. Today I cannot continue not to share. Either going alone out of this, or staying alone in this, it's damn difficult.

I am attending a local group for recovering substance/process abuse people and their loved ones. I'm not using, but I am feeling very isolated and my emotions can be strong and on a roller coaster at times. It helps in some way. But it's not the same without the knowledge and experience of folks who live on these boards here.

I want to ask, you, who have succeeded, to continue growing in your relationship with a pwPD, how do you manage if you do, without therapy for yourself? Could you manage to maintain a career?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

It's extremely painful for me to watch this unfurling. Like as if I had not enough knowledge years ago to put a name on her eccentricities, and she had NPD all along.

You mentioned that you’re a creative you didn’t say that you were a doctor only a doctor can diagnose don’t beat yourself up braveSun I can relate with emotional affairs they’re painful because your SO is sharing something intimate that should only be reserved for a bf or gf. Have thought about setting a personal goal to be not dependent?

[braveSun]

Thanks Mutt
I know I'm not a doctor. I don't even want to believe that she is wNPD. I don't. I'd so much prefer not to worry. Yes, I do have a plan. And it's complicated.

We live in a small town, so we decided to rent an apartment together in the nearby city. Mainly so I would have more opportunities to find a suitable position. That alone takes time, I expected that. I didn't expect things to turn out the way they are with her when I got married. I thought that she would be supportive of me getting started in her country. I am discovering that her concept of getting started is not inclusive of the time frame it takes at a professional level. It has more to do about her feelings as we go. She says I cost her too much money.   

She loved the apartment when we took it, but she doesn't want to live in the city. She has her home in the small town, and she prefers to live there. Initially I thought we would have some time together in the city, when she comes, and time separate, when I work. But she has not been really behind me with this plan. She has been ill 2 times while she was at the apartment, and as a result, she says that it's too stressful for her to come stay with me for overnight visits. We see each other only a few hours once/month right now, for short afternoon visits. That hurts my feelings. Because of the disconnect between us, and her other behaviors already mentioned.
 
Now I am struggling. For some months now, I've been working at finding a stable roommate to help shore up the apartment expenses. In this city there are many young people who want a room temporary, but not too many who want to live with someone older like me (in my 50s). So far, it's been difficult to find someone who'll commit for an extended period of time, like for 6+ months. Something to do with the dates/location/price/offer/demand. High seasonal tourism, high housing costs, low job market. I have to adapt. It's time consuming, and it comes around month to month.   

While I am searching for a roommate, it's difficult to make serious progress on my job search preparations. In my field, I have to recycle my skills from time to time. I have to refresh my portfolio, to keep up with the ongoing trends, and to network regularly. This is not happening full steam, but in spurts of times, when I can focus on something else than roommate hustling. My spouse is comfortable financially, and long ago retired. She's not having much understanding of all of that. She's been having these fits month to month, qualifying any of the hurtful behaviors I mentioned in my other post. She'll not ask me why I don't have a job yet. Doesn't want to hear the answers. On calmer times she'll talk about some other person's success, telling me she admires them. Or sends me a link, at someone else's suggestion, that is not necessarily applicable or affordable in my situation. It's hard to keep my balance. I want to focus on finding work. Progress is very slow however. I am now going to consider taking any kind of low wage job, just to be able to expedite my financial independence from her. But it's not the type of lifestyle I had in mind.

I struggle with deciding if this is worth it for me. In my experience, she has not been the one bringing stability, but the one who kept wanting to change plans according to how she felt on the moment. To be honest, she tried helping. But her attention span is short.

I am embarrassed to admit that with the money she gives me, I don't always have enough to take care of everything properly month to month. Bills get paid when she deposits money in my account, and mostly when they are due, but not necessarily. When I tell her about some bill not being paid, she gets upset. She tells me she is not responsible for my upkeep, she's not planning for it, and on and on. So I walk in high stress.

I want to forgive her, because I know she has insecurities about me not getting it together fast enough for her. I don't know how I'm going to feel about the relationship, though, once I have a stable income. I have to admit that in these conditions I don't have much of a social life of my own. I find it difficult to go out and make new friends. I succeed at pulling myself out of the sadness and confusion usually, but under going a struggle with self doubts every time there is a crisis. That's why I feel the need to reach out now.

[Mutt]

I don't have much of a social life of my own. I find it difficult to go out and make new friends. I succeed at pulling myself out of the sadness and confusion usually, but under going a struggle with self doubts every time there is a crisis. That's why I feel the need to reach out now.

I would feel stress too in your situation what do you do for self care? What are your hobbies?

[braveSun]

I like photography. Going to see art in galleries and museums. Reading. Watching movies. Sometimes I play with watercolors.

For self-care I have a basic routine for sleep/nutrition/hygiene I try my best to follow to bring some sense of stability in my everyday. I cook for myself almost everyday, take care of my home. I care for my plants. I go for walks regularly. I attend weekly meditation meetings. I make sure I talk to some human person at least everyday (it's easy to get wrapped up interacting only on the internet).

When I wake up in the night and have a hard time to fall back asleep I do breathing exercises. Sometimes I record my thoughts on a simple device I keep next to my bed, so I don't have to turn the lights on. In general I've been pretty good at sleeping.

And I have a list of things I do which make me feel better on the spot. Journaling, lighting a candle, aromatherapy. Listening to some healing music. Some recorded meditations. Sometimes being in nature when I can. Being near a large body of water.

When I look at all of this, it looks like I'm pretty good in that department. In general. It's amazing that with a full list of good things to do as this, plus having my on going work plans, I still can find my heart sinking and feeling like  I am not enough, somehow. It doesn't take away the loneliness of losing the relationship I thought I had.

[DaddyBear77]

I succeed at pulling myself out of the sadness and confusion usually, but under going a struggle with self doubts every time there is a crisis. That's why I feel the need to reach out now.

Often times the criticisms we experience from our pwBPD (or pwNPD) can be more about their own insecurities than ours. But when we hear those criticisms, we automatically look inside ourselves instead of attributing it to our pwBPD. Have you read the article about Surviving Criticism and Disrespect?

Also, your self care plan sounds great! It DOES sound like you're good at that. But yet you still have self doubts - can you elaborate a little on what your biggest self doubts are about?

[braveSun]

Thank you for the move, the hugs, and the good insights.

@DaddyBear, you have a good question there. I wanted to take time to take a careful look at these feelings. I have first thoughts. I have a few days ahead which will be quite busy for me on the home front, but I will try to reply in chunks. 

@FF thanks for the light reads!... and sharing of your paranoia story theme. My first reaction was 'Wow! Did it make you start to be extra nice to her, just to prove yourself?... '

Bouts of paranoid stuff directed at you can be mind boggling.  Mine has to do with money. Her money and my needs. When she 'goes there', she'll tend to lose perspective and feel distrustful of me. I get the vibe that she believes I am taking advantage of her in those times. Thus the never good enough  feeling I am struggling with. Now that I am at the apartment and not with her at her house, it's easier.  But it can be scary at times.

I know that it doesn't have anything to do with me. For instance, I have known her for over 20 years, and through that period of time she has shared with me her credit card numbers countless times to book flights or get things for her or myself. I have never made a charge that was not fully discussed and agreed on with her before hand. While living with her I had access to her bank books in her cabinets, and her passwords for her online accounts too. I have never tried to look into her accounts, online or otherwise. I have discussed with her only the financial topics she has volunteered to discuss. No more. That's who I am.

It's *how bad* she thinks of me in those dysregulating moments that I find disturbing. How sure she is  that I am using her for her money, or using it for the wrong things, or took her wallet when she can't find it, or attempted to log into her accounts when she got locked out once for using the wrong password too many times. How she doesn't want to make a budget together, because she doesn't want to keep track of her spending with me knowing how she spends. How she recently started to bring back an isolated event of some 18 years ago where she had asked me to return a small loan, but doesn't remember that 17 years ago she had told me to forget about it. How she attempted to re-write the whole history of my character on this. There me too, I could go on and on with complicated stories.

It's interesting that you say that using the tools did stop the paranoia for your spouse. I have read these sections a while ago, and there too, I would need a check-in of sorts. The radical acceptance is one. I cannot say for sure what she has, BPD, NPD, or something else. But I can say something is not normal. 

By scanning these pages yesterday my first feelings were of a deep tiredness. Because I thought I didn't need  to use these tools with my spouse. I thought I was with a normal person this time. 

Yet it looks like I definitely would want to get into reviewing tools more seriously now. To check on my validating skills sounds like a good start.

[braveSun]

Got later married (in 2016) to someone with whom I had been in a long term relationship before all this trouble started and reconnected with in 2015. After at least 18 months of NC with the pwBPD.

I went through my previous posts regarding the relationship with my xSOwBPD. In retrospect, I notice that I have glossed over a bit in my assessment of my healing time between the two relationships.

Yes, I have married my spouse two years after the ending of the relationship with the pwBPD.

No, it had not been 18 months of NC with the pwBPD before I started to reconnect with my spouse. I see this could have affected my bumpy experience in my new marriage.

It had been over a year I had not met in person with my ex, and in that year I had done some serious boundary work regarding the possibility (or not) to engage in a full relationship. This process did not lead to the relationship I wanted with the pwBPD, so I did not pursue it further.

Now I see that I was in contact with my now-spouse at the time I had decided to end my relationship with my ex. To be fair we had kept in touch over the phone as friends only for some years, while I was working on the possible relationship with the pwBPD.

It's when it became clear to me that the relationship with the pwBPD was not going to work (AND that we could get married and live together) that my long time friend, (previous partner) and I did get gradually closer to each other. I did, wait a year before accepting to come to the US for a visit though. So technically, I did feel confident I was ready. But now that I revisit the first year of my marriage, I can say that the PTSD symptoms and the high anxiety became much stronger for me once I was confronted to some of the hostile reactions of my spouse.

This doesn't change my spouse's behavior and distrust towards me. But seeing this helps me make better sense of why I was so affected by her.

Also, your self care plan sounds great! It DOES sound like you're good at that. But yet you still have self doubts - can you elaborate a little on what your biggest self doubts are about?

@DaddyBear, sorry for the long wait time to reply. I had to think some more on this. I see this has to do with my self-doubts. I see more and more how bad this encounter with my ex has affected me. How my anxiety and sensitivity levels to both partners have increased (ex had a SA and BPD). With the ex, it was straightforward and understandable that I had fleas and issues cropping up with my self-worth. With my spouse now, it's more like a ghosting effect on my side. I definitely came into this marriage as way more vulnerable person. I am way more sensitive to how my spouse sees me or thinks about me. Like as if I had not completely recovered from the impact, and it revealed itself now that I have to emotionally show up in my marriage. I see that my spouse too has her own issues. Maybe all were there before on both sides and are now magnified.

Part of my doubts is that my spouse's behavior and words trigger me into feeling as if I were a 'damaged good' in some ways. This echoes some of my FOO issues regarding my father, who was also suffering mental illness, had addictions, and projected his self-hatred onto us, his family. I have done some good work on that in past therapy, but I am being re-sensitized.

Another part of my doubts has to do with my spouse's addiction to marijuana. I see she has changed, and if I bring my own changes in the equation, we have a problem there. I have a strong internal conflict with living with someone who is active in addiction.