Mother's Day

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Just reconnecting with the forum for the first time in several months, and I'm noticing there is so much anxiety about Mother's Day for those of us with BPD/uBPD moms. I'm currently no contact with my mom with no plans to change that status, but I know this fear/anxiety so deeply (and the way it shows its face around birthdays, holidays, etc.).

If you're reading this with those stresses, I want to say that you're not alone in feeling terrified or guilty or reluctantly obligated when considering whether or how to reach out. So far I haven't figured out what the miracle answer is, but I know that finding the support of people who are going through similar experiences with their moms has been incredibly important to me.

About a year ago I asked my therapist what I still owed my mom. She told me she could only say that whatever it was, it shouldn't come at the expense of my own mental health. So, I'll pass that along to everyone who is trying to figure out how to deal with a BPD mom as Mother's Day approaches. If your reserves are low, and you feel like reaching out will take you past your limits, then focus on caring for yourself. That's nothing to feel guilty about. If you're feeling mentally strong and willing to communicate, then remind yourself of that strength if you get start to get anxious about contacting her. You can handle it. And remember, she's responsible for her own emotional reaction... .not you. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship.

Sending so much love. 

[Brkfst@Tiffanys]

Just reconnecting with the forum for the first time in several months, and I'm noticing there is so much anxiety about Mother's Day for those of us with BPD/uBPD moms. I'm currently no contact with my mom with no plans to change that status, but I know this fear/anxiety so deeply (and the way it shows its face around birthdays, holidays, etc.).

If you're reading this with those stresses, I want to say that you're not alone in feeling terrified or guilty or reluctantly obligated when considering whether or how to reach out. So far I haven't figured out what the miracle answer is, but I know that finding the support of people who are going through similar experiences with their moms has been incredibly important to me.

About a year ago I asked my therapist what I still owed my mom. She told me she could only say that whatever it was, it shouldn't come at the expense of my own mental health. So, I'll pass that along to everyone who is trying to figure out how to deal with a BPD mom as Mother's Day approaches. If your reserves are low, and you feel like reaching out will take you past your limits, then focus on caring for yourself. That's nothing to feel guilty about. If you're feeling mentally strong and willing to communicate, then remind yourself of that strength if you get start to get anxious about contacting her. You can handle it. And remember, she's responsible for her own emotional reaction... .not you. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship.

Sending so much love. 

[Woolspinner2000]

Thank you for these heart felt kind words, Brkfst@Tiffanys!  I think they'll bring much comfort and encouragement to all who are in the place of struggling about what to do. You shared some great wisdom. 

 
Wools

[Harri]

Hello again Brkfst@Tiffanys and thanks for such a positive post.  Mothers day is always tough around here so messages with a change of perspective are super important.

Thank you.  Yes, we can handle it!

[cedarview]

Thank you so much for the encouraging words with Mother's Day coming up.

When I was a kid I could never understand why so many adults dreaded and complained about holidays and birthdays. What could be more fun than presents and food and having fun? Of course as we get older and collect all these new experiences we start to see a different side of holidays, one that is not so much fun all the time.

Our plan for Mother's Day is that my wife and kids and I will spend time with my mother in law, who has tried to help us through dealing with my uBPD mother as much as she is able. My wife and I will prepare and send a card to my mother saying "Happy Mother's Day Mom, just wanted to let you know we are thinking about you today. If you decide that you want to go back to family therapy with S_ (her therapist), we are ready and willing to do that." Did I mention we have been told by my mother via e-mail that she will NEVER go back to the therapist with us?

Any holidays or birthdays upcoming will get an appropriate card with the same message for as long as we continue to mean it. Unfortunately since my uNPD father is silent treating us too we will probably do that same for him. Any thoughts?

[Brkfst@Tiffanys]

Our plan for Mother's Day is that my wife and kids and I will spend time with my mother in law, who has tried to help us through dealing with my uBPD mother as much as she is able. My wife and I will prepare and send a card to my mother saying "Happy Mother's Day Mom, just wanted to let you know we are thinking about you today. If you decide that you want to go back to family therapy with S_ (her therapist), we are ready and willing to do that." Did I mention we have been told by my mother via e-mail that she will NEVER go back to the therapist with us?

Any holidays or birthdays upcoming will get an appropriate card with the same message for as long as we continue to mean it. Unfortunately since my uNPD father is silent treating us too we will probably do that same for him. Any thoughts?

I think that card is a really good idea. It walks right on the line of reaching out to her on Mother's Day but also sticking with the boundaries that you've set. You're saying "we're thinking about you and we want you in our lives, but it has to be healthy so it has to include therapy," and I think that's perfect. Great idea... .one that I might use in a few months or years if I want to reestablish contact with my mom.

I think you can send it to your dad too. It's similar with NPD, isn't it? As in, you need to set boundaries with them?

Your personal card is a great compromise so that you can acknowledge those special/important days with your parents while still setting out terms for how they are involved in your life. It doesn't have to be that they're all in and wreaking havoc on your life or all out with zero contact. You've found excellent middle ground. 

It's true that things may get worse before they get better (they 100% got worse with my mom when I started boundary-setting), but as long as you continue to mean it, like you say, I think it's a good course of action.