EXBPD and self harm

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi,

My ex has BPD and engages in self destructive behaviors. Now that we are broken up, I still worry he is harming himself. Previous self destructive behaviors include gambling, pills, alcohol, frequent pornography, isolation, and hitting himself.

Any advise on a BPD who engages in these behaviors. I have told him that this behavior is not helpful, and he feels that is critizing him and me changing to change him. I have brought this up in more than one way to express my concern. When he's feeling especially bad, he will say things like "not like you care anyways"

[Hurtful love]

Hi,

My ex has BPD and engages in self destructive behaviors. Now that we are broken up, I still worry he is harming himself. Previous self destructive behaviors include gambling, pills, alcohol, frequent pornography, isolation, and hitting himself.

Any advise on a BPD who engages in these behaviors. I have told him that this behavior is not helpful, and he feels that is critizing him and me changing to change him. I have brought this up in more than one way to express my concern. When he's feeling especially bad, he will say things like "not like you care anyways"

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[Turkish]

Hi Hurtful love,

Have you read up on any of the validation tools (see Lesson 3 to the right of the board)?

It sounds like you still care about him and of course are worried.  At the core of a pwBPD (person with BPD) lies shame. A BPD sufferer believes that they are worthless and undeserving of love.  Inadvertently invalidating their feelings can reinforce this.  "My feelings are worthless therefore I'm worthless." And it's reflexive,  hence what he says.  You do care,  but he believes that he isn't worthy of you caring.  It's tricky. 

This might help to start,  and check out the link to the discussion at the end Read More:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

Let us know if this is helpful.



Turkish

[pearlsw]

Hi Hurtful Love,

Turkish has given you some helpful advice, but if I can take the other side of this equation - you - I'd say it is really important not to engage in trying to solve this for him. You can care and express concern, and be a loving person, but you can't fix this, okay? And I say this from a place of watching my SO express suicidal ideation, and getting really mad at his doctor's reactions to it (which felt like the emotional/moral equivalent of a shrug). So, I am not shrugging this off or asking you too, okay? I know how incredibly hard it is when our loved ones are hurting and we want to help stop the pain. But his emotional pain is intense, - that is where self-harm comes in. He feels intense pain, he tries to relieve it.

In this past year I managed to coax my SO into getting help. Honestly, he said many times he only did it for me. I did not want that and I redirected him on that, but that is how it started out. But once he saw results, via medicine, he could see that he was happy he had done this for himself.

So, please be really careful not to take too much on. Read up on co-dependency and boundaries here on the site and check yourself, and/or ask the community to help you see clearly if you are going too far. We care about both of you!

with compassion, pearl.

p.s. I know there are many other members here who can join us here and share their own thoughts and insights. You are not alone!