Help me commit to ending this

[Sparky5]

Hello All,
  I've been in a relationship with a non diagnosed BPD for ten years. She is on state disability for mental issues and has been diagnosed bi polar with OCD, ADHD and PTSD but presents with nearly all the indicators of BPD. I have tolerated the slings and arrows of the rage, the dishonesty, the condescension, the gas lighting, the endless circular arguments, the illicit drug use, the promiscuity and the splitting. I have stood in the gap to protect her daughters from all of it. I was successful with the younger one and she was removed to her fathers custody when she was 15 which I think saved her. The older daughter had already endured to much by the time I came into the picture and is now in the depths of a horrible heroin addiction.
      Luckily I journal and have years worth of records of the abuse. When I get through this, I plan on having a ritual bonfire. So here's the present situation. She does not have the financial means to depart my home and care for herself. I struggle greatly with this. She could end up living in her car and there is still a part of me that loves to be the knight in shining armor. Last night she left for her weekend partying session. On her way out she raged on me for the fact that her youngest has completely detached from her and literally couldn't understand why this situation was so upsetting to me.  If I ask about her love interest she will claim she didn't see him or whatever but I have caught her in so many lies that the trust is gone. I even offered one last shot at counseling to which she replied, "you go first to deal with your stuff and then maybe we can go together" . I do believe that she's stalling for time until she can reign in a new white night.
     This has been so toxic for so long. I think it's time to honor myself and throw in the towel, however, she has no financial means of leaving. Her mother lives close by and she could readily move in with her but I know she's got some old pain regarding that relationship. So how do I get her our of my home? How can I move on and begin to process the pain when the wound is continually reopened? I have already made arrangements to pay off the note on her car, which I consigned for, so that I can sign the title over and we will have no financial ties together. Not that she deserves any parting gifts. I'm greatful for this board, I'm greatful for all of you, I'm greatful to God for his direction and I could use some advice from those more experienced than myself. She'll come again some time this weekend and the tension will be overwhelming. God I just want to start healing. I know His timing is perfect and I am trying to follow His will. Thanks in advance for any advice you may offer.

-Sparky

[juju2]

Hi and welcome.

All i have is what I have experienced.  I have to start with myself.  When i get healthy, then I have strength, a support system, attitude, things that back me up in making healthy choices.  Really, until I get healthy, I am not up for any changes.  Because I am already dealing with life, as it is.  Changes require me to be on top of my game, best self, emotionally, spiritually, physically fit.  Unless I can say I am fit, me making a change will likely cause me a lot of chaos... .i go to al anon, am co dependent, they say no radical changes for 1 year.  During that year, hopefully I have done internal work, 12 steps, meeting w my sponsor, etc.  Unless I have done that work, I likely will continue bad choices, and possibly worse choices... .

Know that this is not what you want to hear.  You are on the detached board, it does appear you have made a choice.  All i am saying is, you have a part in all of this, until I see what my part is, through the internal work with another human being, I will get back in to the same situation or much worse.

This is my experience.  Take what you like and leave the rest.  j

[Sparky5]

We met in AA. I know the drill. What I did not know was the depth of the disorder that is BPD nor was I aware of my childhood pain that kept me painfully attracted to the push me / pull me aspect of the relationship. I'm learning and growing. I'd love to expedite this excruciating part but there is no solution and having her starting something else while she's still in my home is just plain wrong. I have begun the eviction process but here in Cali that can take up to six weeks.

[Wicker Man]

If I may, I would suggest talking to a therapist.  My therapist has helped me 'expedite this excruciating part'  --your words are perfect.   

I have been doing a lot of journaling and reading.  It has helped me begin to get some perspective and understanding. 

There seems to be no short cut through such an emotional quagmire. 

[Skip]

I have begun the eviction process but here in Cali that can take up to six weeks.

Did you break up and ask her to leave and she refused?

[Sparky5]

If I may, I would suggest talking to a therapist.  My therapist has helped me 'expedite this excruciating part'  --your words are perfect.   

I have been doing a lot of journaling and reading.  It has helped me begin to get some perspective and understanding. 

There seems to be no short cut through such an emotional quagmire. 

 Thanks Wicker,

   Interesting how this has played out. I called my therapist and hes on vacation for a month and can't see me until mid June.
Called another therapist that we used to see together, she's on vacation until the middle of this month. In the midst of excruciating pain I only had one place to turn and that was to God. Now God and I have not been on speaking terms since my daughter died. But in the last three weeks that relationship has been miraculously mended. In my weakness His grace is made perfect.
      Also got my ass back into AA after ruining seven years of sobriety after my daughters passing. It has been like going home. All my old friends have welcomed me with open arms. Got a new sponsor and I'm doing the deal. Thank you for your support, it means a lot. My BPDgfex(?) came by my house yesterday. She look liked hell. Sores on her face and body. It's horrible how quick meth can change someone. She was squatting in the driveway playing with small stones (utter tweaker behavior) and I squatted down and conversed with her as if she were a small child which she was completely receptive to. It was kind of scary. She won't commit to a move out date and I fear she may drag it out to the legal end. Thank God for my support system, thank God for this board.

-Sparky

[Sparky5]

Did you break up and ask her to leave and she refused?

 Thanks Skip,
     She has said that the r/s is over and she has "crush" on someone else who she admits to spending time with. I'm not sure on what planet that this would be acceptable behavior.  I wrote her a letter and communicated with her verbally that I would appreciate it if she could table this until she moves out. She refused. New white knight put new tires on her car this weekend so it seems she's trying to progress this new r/s to the point where he invites her to his home, yet wants to try to leave the door open just a crack with me. Last weekend I told her that I would pay off the car (which I stupidly cosigned for) , sign the title over to her and she would never have to hear my voice again. That seemed to rattle her a bit.
      We met in recovery and I have to accept that she is in the depths of her addiction and entirely out of control. I have offered to take her to meetings, she knows the drill, but as of yet has no desire to stop drinking/using.  Now, I have to find a way to distance myself from the inevitable crash that's coming. It's so hard. I have cared for her for ten years. I have picked up the pieces every time she has fallen apart and now she comes to my home when I'm at work to shower and get ready for the next night of partying. And yes... .I know... .I am a hopeless caretaking codependent. Awareness is the key. Busted out my copy of "Codependent No more" and started reading it last night. I'll continue to work on me, it's all I can do. I am not the cause of her mental state or her addictions but man is it a tough spot to be in. We used to be a "power couple" in recovery. We took several addicts/alcoholics into our home over the years and were quite active in the program. Ah, those were the days. There is part of me that hopes she will get well and we can return to that era but I know it's a pipe dream. There has been too much sadness, too much anger and rage, too many resentments and too much damage to go back without MASSIVE amounts of specialized therapy. At this point I just pray that she hit's the brakes before she hits the wall. Thanks for caring Skip, it means a lot.

-Sparky