Bitter about BPD-in-law: What would you do?

[walkinthepark247]

I feel like this is a unique situation; perhaps it isn’t. Whenever I search for advice on an overbearing Mother-in-Law, it always takes me to bridal sites. The automatic assumption is that only females have problems with their MIL. So, here it goes…

For those of you who don’t know, my journey down the BPD road of enlightenment (I didn’t know what else to call it) started about a year ago. I knew something just wasn’t right with my spouse. It shouldn’t be THIS hard, etc. Like many of you, I read the eggshells book and I felt like they wrote the book for me personally. I finally had some idea of what the problem was! My wife still refuses to get the diagnosis. But, I have learned to accept that doesn’t really matter. I know what I see and experience. The violence and rage outbursts have subsided. There has been an improvement in that specific area. Mostly, it is just silent treatment now. That’s for another conversation.

My wife’s father walked out on the family when she was young. He never talked to her again even though she lived down the street. The best that I can tell, her mother simply neglected her thereafter. I believe BPD can certainly be influenced and heightened by environment. At the same time, I truly believe that there is a genetic component as well. Which brings me to my MIL… She has gone out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable. With therapy, I have accepted that I will never please my wife’s mother (her only family). That was particularly liberating. When I read these bridal sites (don’t laugh, I’m desperate) they always talk about “if your MIL doesn’t like your dress, etc”. Well, what if your MIL is constantly telling your spouse that she needs to divorce you? What if your MIL calls YOUR family and tells them what a rotten, horrible person you are and completely fabricates facts? What if your MIL invites YOUR children and spouse to Thanksgiving and makes sure to go out of her way to let you know you aren’t invited? What if your MIL tells your own children that their daddy won’t let them see her? From very early in our relationship, I recognized INTENSE manipulation attempts by my MIL. Like nothing I have ever seen before. Further, I have never heard her say one positive thing. Everything is negative. She critiques people on their appearance, ideas, choices. Constant critiquing and negativity.

Truly, I must confess that this entire saga has left me quite bitter. That’s something that I would like to work on. What is problematic in my relationship is that my wife has this horribly dysfunctional relationship with her mother. That’s on her. But, she bristles and gets extremely dark whenever her mother comes to visit or calls. It’s like a tortuous event each and every time. I have chosen to just stay away. I don’t need that level of toxicity in my life any longer. But, is that the best or only option? My wife is going to go through this dance as long as her mother lives. Let me repeat, their relationship is so horribly dysfunctional. Mostly, I just feel sadness when I think of it. I also recognize that I cannot say or do anything right when it comes to her mother. My actions are going to be critiqued by both of them. You could hire a welcoming band playing in your front yard and MIL would complain about there playing style and appearance. Don't hire a welcoming band? You must not care enough. Extreme negativity.

Also, EVERY time we go and visit or MIL comes to visit, my wife goes into an extreme funk. Some of her worst rages have occurred after an argument with her mother. Once again, I cannot fix that situation (unless you tell me otherwise). Every time I have tried to lend an ear, even early in our marriage, I learned that the tables will switch quickly and it becomes about how I don’t respect her mother enough. Remaining silent isn’t even an option.

So, how do I navigate this in my relationship? I also worry about the example I am setting for my children.

*My MIL is coming next week. It was orchestrated without my knowledge or input. My kids knew about it before I did.

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[pearlsw]

Hi walkinthepark,

Oh. my. goodness! This is a quite a horrible dilemma. I think the focus probably just has to be on you since you can't really change or control other people. I agree with you, it seems to be a question of what you can tolerate. It doesn't make you a "bad" person not to want to be around this.

Your wife seems stuck in a pattern with the situation and that strikes me as a pretty hard thing to change unless SHE wants to set some boundaries with it.

I am trying to imagine myself in your shoes with a visiting relative like this. I think you can try to use some communication skills to sort of work with what she is saying and deflect the negativity from impacting you so hard. Perhaps even just a bit of depersonalization could help? After all, this isn't personal to you at all... .it is just her way of existing and expressing herself in the world. These are just certain types of sentence she is structuring to express her own lack of... .something. Is she depressed?

I know how bad it can get with "in-laws". You make me think I got lucky, looking back now, when my first boyfriends divorced parents, due to racism and differing political opinions, etc. basically banned me from their homes. I felt really bad for my boyfriend over it, but he made a choice, bless his heart, to stand up for me against them. I did not ask this of him, and encouraged him to have relationships with them and not worry about me, but it bothered him and they were estranged for a few years. I was a lot nicer to him, and understood him more, so he felt a stronger loyalty to me I guess.

Anyway, I think you putting your priority on your own happiness is a good approach, taking time for yourself, keeping yourself safe from the annoyances. But how do your wife and kids feel about it? How do they feel about you not being around when the MIL comes around?

Also, any big projects you could take on while she is there to eat up your time and give you a reason to take space?

What do others think? Anyone have more direct experience or insights to share?

with deep compassion, pearl.

[walkinthepark247]

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement!  

I have really put a great deal of thought into this. I have thought about it from the perspective of myself, my spouse, and my children. In addition, I have done my best to at least attempt to see it through my MIL's eyes. Admittedly, that is the hardest one and I have struggled with it. At the end of the day, I recognize that there is something very off about my MIL. However, I also have to deal with the repercussions of marriage to a pwBPD. It's simply too much to have 2x the negative emotions.

I believe it would simply be better for my health if I were to check out when my MIL is around. It's not like I'm truly welcome anyway. She even tries to make me uncomfortable in my own home. So, as a form of boundary, I am going to check out. Thankfully, she does not stay with us when she comes.

I’m obviously on the “improving” board. I have chosen to stay in this marriage. So, what I really struggle with is expressing this to my wife. Even as a grown adult, my wife desperately wants to please her mother. She craves attention and the approval of her mother. It's so patently obvious. The problem is that the approval is never going to come. Just more insults and negative comments. I say this after much deliberation and observation. I’m not a perfect human being. My wife would fly into a rage if you presented her with this. I’ve learned that the hard way.

The last time we were visiting MIL, the two of them got into a very nasty / uncomfortable fight. Look, I understand that fights / spats happen from time-to-time, but this one left us stranded out-of-state with a very young child and without a car. Not acceptable! When we got home, I legitimately tried to talk about it (as any rational adult would). That was a mistake I will NEVER repeat.

It is not up to me to set boundaries for my spouse. She is responsible for that (if she ever chooses to). I also must accept that she may very well continue this toxic merry-go-round for another 25 years. Also, it is not up to me to “set things straight” with my MIL. I am not her blood and anything I say would be poorly received (by MIL *and* spouse).

My wife got on me about this the last time it came up. Shouldn’t I just forgive my MIL? Yes, forgiveness is a very good thing. Like I said earlier, I am struggling with bitterness in the situation. At the same time, you might “forgive” that a toxic waste dump opened next door to you. But, you’d move, wouldn’t you?

*I should reiterate that I want to grow. So, lay it out for me if you think I am handling this incorrectly! I mean it.

[pearlsw]

Hi walkinthepark,

I don't have a definitive answer to offer, but I'm more than happy to explore this with you and learn together! I hope others will join us here and share their thoughts and ideas as well!

I wanted to put this page on Boundaries and Values in front of you.

It might be a good way to reconsider what is acceptable or not for you in life. In a family, it seems to me, you sometimes have to make compromises, at other times things simply go too far. For example, my mom's husband is not my favorite person for various reasons and I've long kept my distance because of it, but at some point, ya get older and you just don't have a lot of energy for major disagreements, or I don't. I saw him last year and he was okay with me, but other people reacted to him terribly and I actually kinda felt sorry for the old fella. I just want people to be happy and at peace at this point. (My mom's generation is in their late 60's/70's.) As long as he's not bothering other people... .and even if he is, we're all adults at this point and someone just needs to deal with it - be around him or not, do the best they can. What we don't need is more drama.

I don't have a current MIL problem. I suppose my SO has helped create problems for me with his entire family, but unless I have to be around the folks it's not so much a problem - we rely on or need them for very little. My SO doesn't make a lot of effort with them, he's a bit overly attached to me I think to be honest.

I have been very disappointed in my SO because he knew how much family meant to me when we got together. I was not so close with my family at the time he and I met and he made sure to use that against me in anger and damage that. I see it now as I have my own family back again (and that's complicated too!), but I don't need his family the way I initially saw things. Anyway, I don't wanna go overboard about me... .suffice it to say I get not wanting to interact with relatives at times. Whew!

But I think it's good to be honest with yourself and weigh the costs. If you made a small effort would that help with your wife, make her a little happy, or is nothing you do going to be good enough? Is she demanding anything of you or do you have room/and the desire to independently decide on this? Are you interested in making anyone else happy or at least not hurting them? It's all up to you really - that's the part to remember. You just have to be willing to deal with consequences.

What do you feel bitter about exactly? Want to get that out a bit?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Radcliff]

walkinthepark247, I am sorry if I missed it, but I haven't seen anywhere in this thread where there was discussion of posing the question to your wife, "Honey, how can I best support you during your mom's upcoming visit?"  I can imagine all sorts of scenarios where that conversation goes poorly, but some variation of it, during a calm time, might actually work.  For my money, if I were deciding whether to be scarce or be around, I'd ask myself whether my presence could somehow ease my wife's burden.  Because I want her burdens to be eased, but also because the flip side of that is that if my presence helps ease her burdens, my absence will increase them, or at least be seen to increase them, and she's going to resent that.

What are some ways you can ease your wife's stress around the visit?  For my wife, making sure the house was spotless beforehand was helpful.  Working hard to keep the kids entertained and well behaved might help.  Keeping the fridge stocked, etc.  Even if your wife can't focus and give you constructive ideas, from your experience you probably can come up with some.  What can you do to ease your wife's stress?

WW

[pearlsw]

hey walkinthepark,

just following along here, i think Wentworth offers some very optimistic ideas here - doing a piece at least that supports, or attempts to support, your wife. how would she take that? your wife i mean.

and, by the way, how do the kids see the MIL, knowing she is this way towards you? the invitations to them/explicit non-invitations to you seem rather divisive to say the least!

what are doing to fight the bitterness? have you ever heard of meta loving kindness practice? it takes some effort, but if you are into to that sort of thing perhaps that could help with not being so bitter. just a thought!

compassionately, pearl.