He is keeping his distance because he wants to see how i am over time

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

The goal is to help "them" get to neutral or zero.

So... you want to be "between" where they are and zero.

FF

[formflier]

The goal is to help "them" get to neutral or zero.

So... you want to be "between" where they are and zero.

FF

[juju2]

Thanks, f.

And we stopped going to couples counseling back in March, when he told me he was in a r/s.  That's when I had a melt down, told him i wasn't going to counseling anymore.  then we had two weeks controlled contact, then we started meeting up again for coffee... .so we have 5 weeks of coffee again, time about 1 hr.  He usually says he has to leave, do homework.  I have started saying I need to do x,y,z, am needing to leave.  It works better for me to leave first.

Our T said we should start w coffee.  She didn't say when we should do something different.

We didn't discuss at counseling about the home boundary. 

Anything anyone wants to share is appreciated. j

[juju2]

Thank you everyone,

Any ideas are appreciated.  I was thinking if he really wants to come over w me, we could sit on our porch.  there is no reason to go inside.

I need to figure this out today.  I want to be receptive to what he suggests... .

[SunandMoon]

I think: why not? It's an interesting step.

Let him come over to the house you used to share and be surrounded by all your pets. Let him remember what he used to have... .

Be very cool, juju. Keep it light and friendly. No deep discussions. Don't have any romantic expectations. Use the skills you have learnt and observe.

Good luck!

[juju2]

Hi fam,

He forgot, or something, he was w a new client, and she wanted nite pictures, he lost track of time... .

So after waiting for him for 15 min at our agreed upon place, I texted him, am going home, have a good nite.  He called about 10 min later, profusely apologizing, he lost track of time, new client, nite pics, etc.  Would I forgive him   ?
I said sure.  I forgive you.  He said you are just being nice.  I said, well I really forgive you.  Stuff happens.  I get it. 

He was like, I want to see when me and the dog can come over and visit.  I said, sure, let's talk about that... .I was detached from the whole thing, it felt very good.

I felt great, not obsessing, forgiving, and the move along.  It's up to him at this point.

My commitment is no chasing.

Thank you family for your support.!

j

[juju2]

Do you guys think I handled last nite correctly.  Am wanting to support our time together, not make him wrong, and life happens.  I wasn't upset, didn't blame, jade, or anything negative.

Also, I want to have the coffee time, guess next week, and we need to talk about the animals visit... .
Just because he got into chaos, doesn't change what him and i agreed to do, right?

[juju2]

bumping up, do you all think I did the right thing... .

[juju2]

 guess what i wanted was experience around disordered behaviour, I maintain my boundary, it does sound good that he apologized, profusely, and it was kind of a push that he didn't remember soon enough to let me know he wouldn't be at coffee... .was that a test.? The old me would have gotten upset.  I did not get upset, wasn't mad, and accepted graciously his apology... .

I know it's all big picture.  He hasnt done this before... .oh well.  Thank you, j

[juju2]

Hi

So he did come to our house, the backyard gate was unlocked, he had texted me when I was taking a nap, he was here, got the tools, thank you.

I see that he CAN do some things, when he needs to. 

I feel like am, again, way more invested, than he is.  Is it his BPD.  Is it his core personality.  Is it his addictive person ality.  YES.

Any insight is appreciated.  J

[formflier]

I feel like am, again, way more invested, than he is.  Is it his BPD.  Is it his core personality.  Is it his addictive person ality.  YES.
 

Hey... .one thought that is likely going to help you with "radical acceptance".

Look the bold stuff.  What is that wasn't part of the thinking anymore.

Would that help you take a clearer look at the relationship. 

"I am more invested that he "appears" to be"  Don't give him passes or reasons, just acknowledge what appears to me "right now". 

I would also check your thinking that "if he didn't have (fill in the blank) then our relationship would be (fill in the blank)

Thoughts?

FF

[juju2]

Thanks for the insight.

Radical acceptance.  I have the idea, and am not always present to it.  The idea hasn't made its way into my heart.  Yet.

[Cromwell]

Hi fam,

He forgot, or something, he was w a new client, and she wanted nite pictures, he lost track of time... .

So after waiting for him for 15 min at our agreed upon place, I texted him, am going home, have a good nite.  He called about 10 min later, profusely apologizing, he lost track of time, new client, nite pics, etc.  Would I forgive him   ?
I said sure.  I forgive you.  He said you are just being nice.  I said, well I really forgive you.  Stuff happens.  I get it.  

He was like, I want to see when me and the dog can come over and visit.  I said, sure, let's talk about that... .I was detached from the whole thing, it felt very good.

I felt great, not obsessing, forgiving, and the move along.  It's up to him at this point.

My commitment is no chasing.

Thank you family for your support.!

j

Im not a fan of apologies, especially when it comes to stuff that is easily avoidable in the first place.

Was it too hard for him to call or text you to say he would be late, or could not make it?

A similar thing happened to me once,early into the r/s where she arranged to meet up with me to go out to dinner., she had phoned me early in the day when I had plans to do other things, but I changed my plans because I wanted to be with her.

I always phoned her before picking her up from hers because she felt more relaxed about that. This time she didnt answer. I went to hers and she never answered the door. So I stayed for about 10 minutes, I was hungry and annoyed, but she had always been very good with meeting up and had an OCD thing about punctuality, which was fine because Im a reliable person. I left and texted her saying "where are you, im waiting"
I then got a text back 15 minutes later when I left saying "sorry, I dont want to go out tonight, just want to stay in and relax"

I texted back saying "well im at the petrol station (nearby), I dont mind at all, ill just have dinner by myself, please dont worry about it"

3 mins later, "actually I think it would be good to go out, I was just tired from smoking (cannabis)"

In other words, she (rightly) realised that I wasnt happy about it, would never have wanted to see her again based on "change of mind for the sake of changing mind" I now see it was a boundary pushing test. She made the arrangements then wanted to see how id react to a last minute cancellation.

Either that, or she made the arrangements then in the meantime, made arrangements with someone else and couldnt be 2 places at once, so tried cancelling me.

who knows, the whole lesson from the story is, if your ok with running after this guy, sitting around for when he chooses or doesnt as that case was, to care enough to even let you know he was going to be late, then thats your choice.

No one can answer your question if you did well, because its based on our own attitudes. Some people are easy going about that sort of thing, im not, I sort of realise that time is valuable and this was the only time in the whole r/s that she pulled that trick off, because the behaviour was nipped early in the bud. Ive realised that most of what went wrong in the r/s resulted from not confronting things I didnt like early on. Its not easy to backtrack later once you have already allowed transgressions to take place.

if your ok with being the run-around and placated by a "oh sorry about that", and feel that letting him away with it is some technique that keeps everyone happy, thats your choice, I did similar, it never worked out well in the long run. Always try and look at the long term perspective of the things you are doing with him at the moment, are you trading momentary "keeping the peace", or "momentary success baby steps" (apparently) that are only building up for long term problems and what were once seen as successes will evaporate away to reveal what looks to me as appeasing his behaviour and probably testing your resolve. He gave this away with the

"oh your not really sorry, your just being nice"

there is no point in pretending your not bothered by it, at the same time gritting your teeth in disappointment. Next time he has less guilt of being late because he can say, oh whats wrong, I thought you were always easy going about time keeping.  

[juju2]

Interesting to hear Cromwell.  Thank you for sharing.

We are creating from nothing, we can't go back to our former r/s.

Thursday nite, I got to coffee first, our agreed upon place was closed for painting.  I texted him to let him know, he called me, asked if xxx would be ok w me.  He said, and i was leaving early to be there on time!

So we had a really nice meet up, he was there before me.btw.

He sat next to me this time.  He is getting closer... .
He wore the t-shirt from a concert we went to a yr ago, nice touch!

I am getting healthier and my thinking is getting healthier.

Thank you.  All of you here.  You have been my family.