I just learned my husband has BPD ... what should I do first?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I am married to someone whom I very strongly suspect has BPD. We have attempted marriage counseling but my spouse left after the second session and refused to go back because he believed the counselor was "targeting" him. I went to the next session alone and told the counselor my concern and she agreed with me that he very much displayed characteristics in just those two sessions, though she could not diagnose him at the time. She did give me the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to read and its's both astonishing and validating to read. So much of what I read in it is like "wow, that is my husband." I will continue to go to therapy on my own, the reason I have joined this site is because I don't know if it's best for us both for me to leave this relationship or not. My husband has been recently escalating behavior and he is hard core into "I hate you don't leave me" behavior at the moment. He wants me to stay at my parents' house but come sleep at our house on the nights he works (night nurse). I told him that it is unfair to expect me to shuttle back and forth at his convenience but that I could come let the dogs out. He just talks about how much pain he's in without seeming to comprehend at all the pain that he causes me. And yes, he has raged at me and been very verbally abusive at times. So I feel like an idiot for even considering staying. I just don't know. He has agreed to try this other counselor because he believes we just need marriage counseling. I called this counselor and had a long conversation with him. He has a lot of experience with BPD. The issue is that I just don't think my husband is ready to accept that diagnosis let alone commit to therapy for it and without that, I just don't see much light at the end of our tunnel. I love him but I cannot stand the Mr. Hyde part of him, sometimes the dogs even get nervous around him. I want a family eventually and I don't want to subject children to an environment like that. As I said, I just don't know what to do. I would be open to still being his friend if that was a healthy solution for both of us.
  I never know what I should agree to when he wants things from me because I feel so manipulated at times and like he's asking more than he's giving and I don't want to fall into the trap of rewarding negative behavior, though I'm sure I've done that many times already in the three years we've been married. I guess I'm looking for advice or maybe just validation. I'm really confused at the moment. Thanks for listening.

[Nixie_3]

Hello, I am married to someone whom I very strongly suspect has BPD. We have attempted marriage counseling but my spouse left after the second session and refused to go back because he believed the counselor was "targeting" him. I went to the next session alone and told the counselor my concern and she agreed with me that he very much displayed characteristics in just those two sessions, though she could not diagnose him at the time. She did give me the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" to read and its's both astonishing and validating to read. So much of what I read in it is like "wow, that is my husband." I will continue to go to therapy on my own, the reason I have joined this site is because I don't know if it's best for us both for me to leave this relationship or not. My husband has been recently escalating behavior and he is hard core into "I hate you don't leave me" behavior at the moment. He wants me to stay at my parents' house but come sleep at our house on the nights he works (night nurse). I told him that it is unfair to expect me to shuttle back and forth at his convenience but that I could come let the dogs out. He just talks about how much pain he's in without seeming to comprehend at all the pain that he causes me. And yes, he has raged at me and been very verbally abusive at times. So I feel like an idiot for even considering staying. I just don't know. He has agreed to try this other counselor because he believes we just need marriage counseling. I called this counselor and had a long conversation with him. He has a lot of experience with BPD. The issue is that I just don't think my husband is ready to accept that diagnosis let alone commit to therapy for it and without that, I just don't see much light at the end of our tunnel. I love him but I cannot stand the Mr. Hyde part of him, sometimes the dogs even get nervous around him. I want a family eventually and I don't want to subject children to an environment like that. As I said, I just don't know what to do. I would be open to still being his friend if that was a healthy solution for both of us.
  I never know what I should agree to when he wants things from me because I feel so manipulated at times and like he's asking more than he's giving and I don't want to fall into the trap of rewarding negative behavior, though I'm sure I've done that many times already in the three years we've been married. I guess I'm looking for advice or maybe just validation. I'm really confused at the moment. Thanks for listening.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Panda39]

Hi Nixie,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

A family member with BPD can create a lot of confusion, I've been there too. You may not be able to make him go to counseling if he chooses not to, because who can we really control?  Ourselves. 

That said there are things that you can do.  You can learn tools and skills here that can help sort through the chaos and better communicate with your spouse as well as get support from our members who have "been there" for yourself as you work through what is best for you to do in terms of your marriage.

The box to the right ---> are links to more information you might wanted to check it out when you have the chance.

I'm glad you've found us and have jumped in 

Take Care,
Panda39

[isilme]

Hi Nixie_3,

Welcome.  I know a lot of those who've newly discovered BPD ask "how do I get them into therapy?"  That's a long-term goal, and many of us know it will never happen in our relationships.  That's not to say things cannot improve, but it all starts with us, as the more emotional away person in the relationship.

We often have our own enabling, sometimes co-dependent behaviors that allow the BPD to fester, manifest, and to continue.  Once we look at what we can do as far as reasonable boundaries (like where you stay the night) and how much verbal abuse you will stand before leaving the situation until he's calmed down, are places to start.  They can be scary places, to be sure.  I've been on this site for 10 years, and it's important to remember BPD is not cured, it does not go away.  Dealing with it is little different than learning to deal with diabetes or other permanent conditions. 

What I have seen, overall, is that as you get stronger and better yourself, and stop enabling, and stop certain things like justifying arguing defending and explaining (JADEing - I am so bad about doing this) and work on new communication techniques, the drama can become manageable over time.

It sounds like you are living apart right now?  Was this a way for you to avoid the stress and drama of day to day interactions?

By all means, type it out, come here, no one here is perfect, we can only share what's worked for us, but most often, it's just nice to know someone else can understand and isn't judging YOU for it. 

[juju2]

Hi N

Agree w the previous posters.

Great experience here, strength and hope.

Give more info as you wish.  We are a caring, hopeful, healing community,
j

[Afterallthistime]

First, focus on your own mental health first. Let me repeat that. Focus on your own mental health first! I would recommend listening to Little Shaman Healing and From Surviving to Thriving on Youtube. They focus mainly on NPD, but I've noticed that many with BPD have many narcissistic tendencies. They offer great solutions for thinking and acting in healthy ways.

My wife keeps telling me we need "marriage counseling." We have been to 6 counselors and she dumped every one! She cries out to MY friends whom she despises and tells them I need help. She loves to use the Bible to convince me that I'm not loving her like Jesus. There is only one problem with that. None of the counselors thought that was the issue! Once they actually heard from me about how much I put into the relationship and what life looks like on a daily basis in our home, my wife lost her cover and she was done with that counselor. I finally had a friend tell me what was really going on, turned me onto NPD and BPD, and I've now started using the tools to "observe, not absorb." It is really quite freeing. But there are still effects of the fits of rage. If you haven't developed PTSD, I would be surprised.

I'm convinced I need to move on after investing 29 years into a marriage. But I can no longer deal with being awakened at 3:00 a.m. just for my wife to express her anger over some minor issue. Yesterday she broke a glass bowl in our living room after I told her that I wasn't going to church with her. It is very painful. The sooner you can get out and stay out, the better.

Blessings,

PB

[Nixie_3]

Hi Nixie_3,

It sounds like you are living apart right now?  Was this a way for you to avoid the stress and drama of day to day interactions?

By all means, type it out, come here, no one here is perfect, we can only share what's worked for us, but most often, it's just nice to know someone else can understand and isn't judging YOU for it. 

Initially, it wasn't my idea. It was his. He says he can't stand the fighting and told me to go stay with my parents. (we do fight too frequently, but it's not like it's all the time and I feel like a lot of it's unnecessary, half the time it's really just because he hates my father for some reason).
  After a few days though, I came to appreciate coming home to people who I don't have to wonder are going to be angry at me for some reason I can't understand after being gone at work for twelve hours. And he keeps making no sense. He says why don't I call him every night and tell him I love him. He has no concept how much it hurt me for him to more or less kick me out of our home and then send me round after round of nasty text. I went to the house the other night to watch a movie with him and he assumed I was going to stay the night. Why would I do that? He keeps sounding like he doesn't want me there like a normal wife. I was supposed to go over tonight but I really don't want to. He texted me this morning "I woke up in tears because I don't think you're trying 100%. I want someone who will go to the ends of the earth for me." Last time as I drove to our home I had such bad anxiety I had to play my choir music and sing along because I just didn't know what I was getting into. 
   
Thank you for your replies and I will look into those resources. PBailey, I will definitely be looking for those on Youtube. I'm sorry that you're having such a difficult time and you're right, it is painful when you feel like you're giving all your love to this person and it's just not enough. I hope things get better for you.

[once removed]

hi Nixie_3 and

this is tough. i can definitely relate in terms of the nasty drag out fights, my need for some space, and my partner not understanding that but pulling even harder.

what stage would you say your relationship is in: https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down