When is is appropriate to engage or just let it go

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

From what you have described in those two conversation I see a theme of 'what the neighbors think of us".

I was a teacher in a small community before and naturally it's very much a part of the teacher's sensitivity as a community leader of sorts.

I wondered about this and... .well frankly... .I don't spend my time trying to alter what other people think of me.  Especially people that would rather gossip and spread erroneous information, rather than addressing an issue directly with the person involved.

OK... .that's my world.

Not trying to argue with you... .I did some searching on social medial and haven't found any posts, I have the vaguest understanding of what may have happened...

Sigh... .

Church was ok... .I'm getting some of my MBA coursework done this afternoon.

"poof" things have chance... ."I'm her "hero" veteran and she wants to show me how much I'm appreciated... "

I'll be frank here... .I would rather be left alone... .no love bombing... no accusations of robotic voices... .

FF

[formflier]

From what you have described in those two conversation I see a theme of 'what the neighbors think of us".

I was a teacher in a small community before and naturally it's very much a part of the teacher's sensitivity as a community leader of sorts.

I wondered about this and... .well frankly... .I don't spend my time trying to alter what other people think of me.  Especially people that would rather gossip and spread erroneous information, rather than addressing an issue directly with the person involved.

OK... .that's my world.

Not trying to argue with you... .I did some searching on social medial and haven't found any posts, I have the vaguest understanding of what may have happened...

Sigh... .

Church was ok... .I'm getting some of my MBA coursework done this afternoon.

"poof" things have chance... ."I'm her "hero" veteran and she wants to show me how much I'm appreciated... "

I'll be frank here... .I would rather be left alone... .no love bombing... no accusations of robotic voices... .

FF

[braveSun]

I wondered about this and... .well frankly... .I don't spend my time trying to alter what other people think of me.  Especially people that would rather gossip and spread erroneous information, rather than addressing an issue directly with the person involved.

OK... .that's my world.

Not trying to argue with you... .I did some searching on social medial and haven't found any posts, I have the vaguest understanding of what may have happened...

I get that. Especially being the spouse of a teacher, I’m sure the theme must have been around for some times.

I like that you did check a bit. At least you can have a measure of ‘the order’ vs the other people’s stuff. I think somehow it’s a preoccupation of hers, assuming you’d want to SET around that at some point.

I’m sorry for the B&W stuff. It sucks.
 

Good luck with your homework, FF.

A MBA sounds like a good way to approach the future.

I have to say, you've help so many people on these boards, including myself.
It's good that you're there. Thank you.

[formflier]

A MBA sounds like a good way to approach the future.

I have to say, you've help so many people on these boards, including myself.
It's good that you're there. Thank you.

It's going... .we are doing a double does of economics (macro and micro at same time... two different classes... .) and it's not particularly my favorite.  Lots of charts and minutiae

My hope is that with some extra education in my back pocket... .perhaps I can do some consulting or something else with relatively loose deadlines, so that I can find a "reasonable accommodation" for my disabilities. 

High pressure get all this done by tomorrow or the deal explodes would not be a good fit for me.

I appreciate the kind words... and yes... .bpdfamily is a nice distraction from economics homework...

FF

[Fian]

One of her complaints is that you are acting robotically (robotic voice).  I can sense it in some of your descriptions of your communications.  I am sure that you are doing this to avoid JADEing, escalating fights, etc, but it may be something you want to discuss with your P to find ways to make the conversations more "natural."

[formflier]

One of her complaints is that you are acting robotically (robotic voice).  I can sense it in some of your descriptions of your communications.  I am sure that you are doing this to avoid JADEing, escalating fights, etc, but it may be something you want to discuss with your P to find ways to make the conversations more "natural."

We have... we role play friendly talk... we also say things factually.  We practice lots of that stuff.

At the end of the day... .what is "nasty" and what is "robotic" and what is "friendly" (to her) is a moving target.

She complained... I clarified my intent... .in a normal world it would be over.

But yeah... .I"m sure we will get more into details and/or practice.  

If this was a "one off"... .there may be some validity here with me being "the trigger" or my voice.  Something is eating at her... .it may have nothing to do with me... .it may be the social medial thing... .it may be the color of the neighbors shoes... .or someone at school has a nicer eraser than her.

Or some combination.

I'm drained from all this...

FF

[GaGrl]

I suspect that it has to do with a x genitive break between "how she sees herself" and being faced with "how the neighbors see her." PwPDs have carefully constructed images, but those images are fragile.

[Cat Familiar]

At the end of the day... .what is "nasty" and what is "robotic" and what is "friendly" (to her) is a moving target.

I'm another non who has been accused of being "robotic" so I feel your frustration. I think that comes down to a Meyers Briggs difference: I'm a Thinker and he's a Feeler. When I suspect that he's upset and I try to be very clear with my communication, that's often when I'm accused of being robotic. From my perspective, I'm trying to be mindful.

The "What will the neighbors think?" meme was something I heard throughout my childhood from my BPD mom. If we went shopping on a Sunday, we'd have to unload the car in the garage because she was worried that people would think it was an inappropriate day to shop. If I got home from a date after midnight, she was sure the neighbors would be talking about it. (I'm sure they were asleep and couldn't care less.) It really seems like a BPD or paranoid PD thing to worry so much about what others think.

[formflier]

That is really insightful

I'm ESTJ... .she is INFP.

I do try to be thoughtful and choose my words carefully.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

I’m an INTJ and he’s an INFP. I feel your pain, FF.  

You two couldn’t be more different. You get recharged being with people. She gets her recharge being alone or in smaller groups, like family or close friends. She might not have close friends. My husband is deficient in this and certainly my mother was too.

You process information through the sensory world: what you can see, hear, touch, taste, smell. She processes through intuition, letting her mind take her on journeys. And you know the sorts of journeys her mind takes.  

I think one of the biggest problems in relationships is the mismatch between Judgment and Perception, very poorly worded categories IMO.

Those of us who are J, want to come to conclusions utilizing available information. We feel much better after making a carefully considered decision.

People who are P feel better before they make a decision because they don’t want to close off options. They continue to take in more information and because of that, can rapidly shift their choices, much to the dismay of their J partner.

It seems crazy to me that my husband can turn on a dime sometimes after what I believed was a joint decision. To him, I must look staid and stubborn, clinging to my chosen path.

[Red5]

Afternoon Formflier,

Sounds like you had a weekend of “sorts”.

So did I…

I think you handled it quite well, as you always do.

*boundaries
*communication
*effective communication/evaluation
*non-engagement/escalation

Laundry… certainly a BIG DEAL with eight kids in the house right, wow !

Reminds me of that old movie, “Yours, Mine and Ours”… not the “new” one, the old one staring Lucille Ball, and Henry Fonda.

Somehow, you are making me think you are a kind of “Frank Beardsley” kind of character  !

You are a Navy Man, spent time (understatement) onboard ship (yes)… yeah, laundry is an important aspect of a smooth running ship!

I am sure you can initiate port and starboard watches to help in this endeavor.

Do your children have “chores”, and do they help out round the house?

After I got divorced, from wife#1, I was myself a single father of three teenagers, for five years!… and the oldest was (is) autistic, so there I was a Marine E8, living in base housing, so how did I handle things, laundry being one aspect, & chores round the house, cooking, doing dishes, “field day”, ie’ cleaning stations …

Well, I published the “squadron plan of the week”!

I designated deck NCO’s … I designated responsibilities, as in we all did our part round the home to ensure that we were on an even keel, and squared away at all times.

Thursday night was field day night, just like in the barracks, I assigned chores, to be completed forthwith, I myself, and as well my three teenagers had his or her own laundry day, and each member of the squadron (Red5’s kids ) had their respective chore list to be completed daily, weekly, and monthly… just like the “monthly maintenance plan” in the squadron  !

It worked perfectly… then I met u/BPDgf… now my u/BPDw… and the rest is history.

As far as you and your wife’s texting, as we all know, it is exhausting to deal with these BPD behaviors… believe me, I (we) know!, looks like this time the ignition was “laundry”.

Next time it will be something else.

My own u/BPDw will “restack the dishwasher” after I have loaded it, and as well “intervene” when I am helping my S31(special needs autistic) do his own laundry, and as well his own chores on the weekend… Yes, many a heated argument resultant over the years… some for the” record book”.

I agree, the best thing to do is to “take a walk”.

Of late, my best one is to go down to the boat ramp on the intercostal with S31(special needs autistic) and watch the seagulls, ducks, and other “water fowl”, as well watching folks launch and recover their boats, always a good time.

As far as neighbors (covenants)… always a lot of drama there … and “social media” makes it all the more fun (?) dramatic… keyboard gossips and busy bodies as it were.

Well, that will always be what it is, good luck EVER making them all happy at once, ain’t going to ever happen.

Lol… I got a couple of jeeps, an old truck, a boat parked in my yard, but all our neighbors are of the same mindset, well almost, but Red5 does what Red5 does, so them that don’t… they can “say it waling”  !

On another note, my u/BPDw has been on my case for over a year now to get rid of an old lawn tractor I got stashed away in the shed/shop, well it was outside under the overhang, and she has gotten pretty nasty about it lately, to the point of argument, and DEMANDED that I get rid of it, but I have told her that “you won’t see anymore in a couple of days”… which means that I just moved it into the shed/shop, as I have “plans” for it (?)… I will not “give in” to her on that, playing with fire I am (maybe?), but I am sure she won’t even recognize it when I am done with it … yeah… she was pretty upset about it… for a while, a friggen old “rusty red” lawn tractor of all things to be pissed/bothered up by… hmmm,

So, “part and parcel”, keep dodging/non-engagement, keep communicating, keep on keeping on, you do have the knack of good communication skill as far as BPD’ism’s & BPD behaviors is concerned, we all look forward to reading your posts.

How are things today?

Red5

P/S

I have a good going to Church, and then “out to eat” wave-off story, with u/BPDw; which was this last Sunday… maybe later?…