New here: I told my BPD mom that I'm her daughter, not her caregiver.

[Inner Child]

Well, I am sitting here munching down crackers as I write which I have realized I do this emotional eating when the emotions of happiness, sadness, anger or just newness start to surface... .I stop the emotions and short circuit joy or sadness before it can take stake in my soul... .I am working on this. Wow! tonight I told my mom, who has always had hurtful and glaring BPD traits, so clearly and calmly that I am her daughter not her care giver. I also stated specifically how I define daughter and what I am willing/unwilling/able/unable to do for her. Her tantrum and Bible bashing was milder because of granddaughter's presence.  I would define "daughterhood" differently if this was an emotionally safe relationship. My eleven year old was present and said,"Grandma, my mom wants you to be a mom." My astute daughter somehow gets that I have been the mom to my mom. I am finished with that chapter and need to continue freeing, protecting and parenting my inner child so I can constructively and joyfully let my eleven and thirteen year old daughters individuate and fly away from me into adulthood with the legacy of all my hard earned strength, wisdom, and compassion that my continuuing inner work cultivates, curates and requires of me as I intend to live out the best version of myself as mother, wife, teacher to at-risk youth and as daughter with self- loving limits for BPD mother... .This is my first post so I welcome any companioning, thoughts and insights on the role of child to 78 year mother whose FOO(Family of Origin) describes her as ":)rama Queen, crazymaning, control freak." I concur, I just call it BPD after all my research and years of therapy. Role as child of aging parent is not the normal role. BTW, my dad is deeply narcissistic and my parents split right after I was born. I am 46 years young. Your thoughts on role of child with emotionally unsafe parents who can be wonderful/charming at times... .land mine anxiety sound familiar?

[HappyChappy]

I am 46 years young. Your thoughts on role of child with emotionally unsafe parents who can be wonderful/charming at times... .land mine anxiety sound familiar?

Your anxiety sound very familiar and I’m sure will resonate with many on this forum. You describe parentification, which is very common among children of BPD. But that came because our Parents lacked empathy, leading to us have (arguably) more empathy than most. So we are unlikely to do this to our own kids, we don't know how. The danger is more to ourselves, than others. What sort of inner child work are you doing ?

I also had a BPD NPD combo, only my NPD is an evil brother bent on world domination. But he hasn’t got far with that, he can't drive for a start. You say your parents can be charming, is that a positive that’s rubbed off ?

In terms of your anxieties, I would say the negative aspects of a BPD upbringing, only tend to bite if we are unaware of them. Our parents may not be able to change, but we can. So the fact you are on this forum, and aware of some of the pit falls is a great start. Also many people come to this forum looking to find their inner child, so you should be popular.

So what aspects are you most anxious about ?

[Mutt]

Hi Inner Child,



I’d like to join HappyChappy and welcome you to the site. I’m glad that you decided to join us, I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you here.

Your daughters are observant and they’re probably cling up on your mom’s dependency. Does she live alone or in an assisted living?

Read as much as you can about the disorder you’ll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. Look around join other discussions when we talk to others that went through similar situations it can be very helpful for us and sometimes we stumble upon something that answers our experience.

I’m kooking forward to reading your posts.

[madeline7]

Welcome Inner Child,
When I read your subject line about telling your Mom you are the daughter and not the caretaker, I thought for a minute that it was my post. I actually had the same conversation with my uBPDm on Tuesday. She is in her late 80's (physically very healthy) and I am just starting my 60's. When my Dad passed away (enabler), it was devastating to all, and changed the dynamic. It forced me to make changes and I found this board and had counseling. From your post it appears that you and your daughter are aware of the BPD drama and your daughter seems wise beyond her years. Boundaries are vital to me, my Mom does not accept them without some snide comment, or outburst/silent treatment, but I am getting better at setting healthy boundaries. Working on radical acceptance is a challenge for me, but I have finally accepted that I cannot and will not save her. It is sad indeed, but she will never be happy. My children are young adults now, they do love their grandma but can also see through her manipulations. The BPD drama has affected me, my kids are just fine, and they support me in my emotional healing. Sounds like you and your daughter are on the right path. Anxiety is part of my emotional journey, but I am now enjoying my journey with myself, my husband and children, my friends and my chosen family. I wish you peace!