Feeling like a broken record

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Here we are again having the same conversation where my daughter tells me that because i won't help her in the way she wants, she never wants my help again and that we are breaking up with her as parents.

BPD really can be like having two entirely different personalities. When she's calm she understands it so well. It's so frustrating after spending a hellish last week helping her for her to say that I 'never have the time for her.'

I told her on text message that when she says she never wants help from me again,  it feels like she's trying to push me out of her life. She said it feels like she's been on our backburner. I re-emphasized that I wish she wouldn't say 'never', since there are many recent examples of me helping her, and I will always be here to help but she's right, it is when I'm available because I have so much going on. I told her that I was more than happy to help her last week and I am still catching up on work and school from it. I need to manage my time as best I can. 

I am so sick of having this conversation. I know she's mad at herself for losing her ID and just wants someone to fix it. But man. Her memory is so short, it's like last week never happened.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hi hyacinth bucket

Oh, how frustrating, they certainly know how to push the right buttons don’t they? I remember well how my son used to regurgitate the same stuff over and over again, it’s like you say, as if they can’t remember a previous conversation. It just used to make me feel so weary!

Keep on doing what you’re doing, one step at a time, despite it all, I can still see your patience shining through. Take care x 

[Merlot]

Hi Hyacinth bucket

I can totally relate to this. After 12 months of giving soo much to my DD27 in supporting her as a single mum with a new baby, Ive been cut off 5 months ago after being told I am the most unsupportive parent in the world who has no soul.

Its almost unreal that they seem to have no recollection of what we actually do for them. That in itself makes it hard to invest when there is no appreciation.

We love them so much but theu cant see it. Such a tricky and confusing illness. Hang in there

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi Feeling Better, yes, it's like she's found exactly what she knows will bite the deepest and just sticks with it.

Merlot, that is so awful. You're right, it does make it hard to invest. I was going to say 'the hardest thing for me is... ' but then I caught myself because it's hard no matter what. It's like they experience time in a different way.

I had plans with her Tuesday to take her grocery shopping and yesterday for her to do her court ordered class online while I do my homework. But when the day roles around she always chooses something else. She is mad at me because I won't physically force her to do things. But can you imagine how that would turn out? The argument with her started today because I reminded her that she needs a social security card to replace her ID, and she said "And I don't know why we still haven't done that. You're pretending that I'm going to do it myself and you know I won't." I told her I would go with her or show her how to do it online, but she brushes off any offers of help that require her to take some initiative. Having the same argument over and over makes me feel like I'm at an impasse. Every time I think we've gotten past the issue, it comes up again.

[luzinsleep]

it's like she's found exactly what she knows will bite the deepest and just sticks with it.

You're right, it does make it hard to invest. I was going to say 'the hardest thing for me is... ' but then I caught myself because it's hard no matter what. It's like they experience time in a different way.

I sure do relate to these two statements.  Sometimes I just remind myself to breathe deep and use the calmest voice I can while I say the same thing I've said all day for about the one-hundredth time.

I think it sounds like you're doing a great job!

[Hyacinth Bucket]

Thank you, Luzin, I really appreciate it. It's too easy for me to question myself with her. I always think I'm getting more immune to the guilt trips etc, but it's really hard. It really messes with your mind when you feel like you're trying your hardest and it's never enough.

[Kiminski]

Hi!

I can totally relate to what you are saying. I spent the better part of Tuesday afternoon fending off nasty texts from DD31... .again. When she gets like this I don't even recognize the childhood that she thinks that she had. As with every other time, she is threatening to go to court to keep the grand-kids away from us. I love those kids more than anything, but I am concerned that this constant back and forth is having a negative effect on them. As they get older she has begun to pull them into the nonsense. This time around, she referred to her father by his name, stating that he was just blood, not family, and I am "The woman" who stood by and watched him "beat" her. There were no beatings in our house! I am so tired of this, I don't know how many more times I can do this with her. I feel like I am at the point of just being done. I am emotionally exhausted. Sometimes I think- what are we fighting for as their parents? A few weeks of calm just so we can get emotionally battered again and again? I love my daughter, but she is killing me.

[bluek9]

Hi HB, and everyone else on this thread.

   I have a name for myself, it's Pete and repeat!  Oh my gosh I just get so worn out of always reminding my D what I do for her. I'm sorry HB I totally understand the frustration and the button pushing. I made up my mind just the other day to try something new. I have a calendar hanging in the kitchen, something I need to keep track of the many things going on. I decided to make a small note in red on the days I do something for her  , just a reminder. Like bought her hair color, took her to the bank, made an appointment for her. I also decided to keep track of the complaint for the day. She forever has a new hurt or pain to cry about. It's one of the negative things she does that drives me up the wall, I know I should let go of it but God how can there possibly be so much to complain about?   
   HB my daughter also says things like your did "the we" all inclusive meaning why haven't I done it for her. I know full well what she can and cannot do, and those things that she can do, again I remind her, you did it before, you can do it again.

It really messes with your mind when you feel like you're trying your hardest and it's never enough.

  I call my D the black hole of need, never ending.
   Hang in there HB, we get it.   

[Lollypop]

Hi there HB and everybody!

You:

It really messes with your mind when you feel like you're trying your hardest and it's never enough.

Your topic title is absolutely perfect and I remember saying the very same words repeatedly myself. I was caught up in the pattern of behaviour and didn’t see that it was up to me to change it, my son couldn’t because he had/has BPD (latest was BPD traits with GAD).  I don’t want my  words to sound harsh because I totally understand where you’re all coming from. It goes on and on and it’s so draining. I get it.

I used to do things for my son that he should do for himself. When I reflect I can see I did them for various reasons ranging from tidying his room, making appointments, helping with paperwork, cooking, buying food that he liked, offering advice and guidance. I saw this has a demonstration of my love. Sometimes I did them because I felt guilty. Sometimes it was because I couldn’t bare the inertia, he was never going to take action and I’d step in so he wouldn’t feel the consequences. The reasons for me doing things he should do himself all boil down to “love”.  

Was doing things for my son, things that he was responsible for, really love?   He was an adult at 24.

Once upon a time, I taught him to use spoon and then tie his shoe laces. I stopped doing these things for him. Gradually, as they grow we balance our input so they learn by doing these things themselves. When his BPD emerged I started to do more, not less - our relationship wasn’t balanced any more. I did more than him and I really got infuriated by that. I got angry too.

I found it tricky to understand what should I do? What shouldn’t I do? How will he know that I still love him if I don’t do things for him?  I was confused.

I remember me posting about my troubles with a letter that had arrived that I knew was a debt collection letter.

The famous and wise LBJ advised me:

Every thing that occurs I was to ask myself “is this my responsibility?”

If not, it should be placed lovingly in his lap. When he reacted then that was the time for my BPD toolkit.

I had to re-train myself and decide what I was prepared to do, balancing it with “reasonableness”.  Learn how to watch without comment or judgment.  Set limits in the house to prevent rising  resentments in my part. Have better boundaries.

I write that paragraph and think - seriously? I did ALL that? Yes I did. My son enjoys his independence to make his own decisions and he’s now personally growing as he learns by his mistakes.

And yes, I still do things for him occasionally because it’s a kind thing to do - like when he’s poorly. I’m still his mum.

It’s not easy is it.

Your daughter:

And I don't know why we still haven't done that. You're pretending that I'm going to do it myself and you know I won't."

Perhaps a gentle reminder to your daughter about the use of “we” - who’s responsibility is it?  You’re not pretending about anything. Yes you know she most probably won’t. Then it won’t get done. She should be the one to feel the natural co sequence for her inaction.

Any thoughts?

LP

[Daisy123]

Hello HB,
I can hear your frustration in your post. I’m so sorry you’ve become a broken record. It’s a bit like hitting one’s head against the wall.

What comes to mind is splitting. Is this an example of splitting?
You’ve been there for her, through her move, cleaning her apartment and all, enjoying one another’s company and now this?

What’s splitting?
What’s behind splitting?

Is her move and recent jobs bringing up stuff so that you become the target?

Sorry for so many questions.

Daisy123

[Hyacinth Bucket]

hi LP,

I am fully with you; it's been a bit of a readjustment because she has lived either in another state or an hour away from us for the past couple of years, for the most part. I am definitely having to reset boundaries. There are some things she is not capable of doing and for those things I either let her not do them, or I try to sit with her while she does it herself.

She's making an effort to change herself so I have been a little more engaged than I had been. For the past year we did almost nothing for her (that she should do for herself) and in that time she was hospitalized twice, went on vacation and wound up homeless, started doing meth, amongst many other things. We try to let her feel the full repercussions of her decisions. It wasn't always that way but it has been for about the past year. Just readjusting again now that she lives 10 minutes away.

She did call a couple days later and apologize.

Daisy, yes, she is definitely splitting. When she apologize she said she was mad at herself because she had lost the $20 I gave her for groceries in addition to her ID. She said she didn't want to ask me for more and was worried I'd be mad at her.

The money thing is continually an issue with her/us. She has to pick up her one and only pay check from the second job she had for 3 days. When she lost the $20 i gave her, I gave her more and SHE said she'd pay me back from her paycheck.

Today she was rambling on about her 21st bday and her plans she wants to go to some big 3 day EDM (rave) concert in another state. She has no money for this. Her pay check will be about $150. I asked her questions trying to make her see that she was being ridiculous, but it wasn't clicking. Then she said her paycheck would probably just cover it. I told her she promised she'd pay me back $50 with it and she started to make excuses about not giving me the money. I also pointed out that she has to pay rent and she said "yeah i have to pay rent and I owe you guys $1500, what is $150 going to do" and hung up on me.

So I texted her that I won't pay her rent while she's off partying and she needs to get her priorities straight. That set off a big blow up of swearing text messages etc... so now I'm bummed again but keep trying to remind myself that she has been apologizing more often than not lately.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders