Dealing with anxiety caused by coparenting with a lunatic, looming court action.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

    I am getting married to someone who has a 5 year old son with someone who appears to have a severe raging case of BPD. The ex tried every trick in the book to prevent soon to be DH from getting any time whatsoever with S5, made all matter of threats trying to get him to drop the custody case, denied paternity, alleged abuse etc etc. She still lives with her parents, and I assume the grandmother is BPD as well. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, you never know how things might have gone) the case was heard by a judge who refused to review evidence or even listen to the parties involved. He stated they both produced 50% of a child and that's all they were entitled to, and unfortunately because it was long distance he gave the local parent the school district, so the BPD ex ended up with 60% and dad with 40%. This was all written up in a very poorly worded parenting plan with plenty of wiggle room for the BPD ex to wreak havoc on a regular basis, and carried a 5 figure price tag in attorney's fees that are still being paid off.

     Since then there have been a few CPS investigations over made up nonsense, a steady stream of critical/controlling text messages, intermittent calls to the police for some perceived violation of the parenting plan, and the occasional threat of more court either to get more child support or for contempt that didn't actually happen. That and some harassment, things like me being pulled over because half a dozen calls complaining about my erratic driving had been made to 911. Or anonymous complaints being filed with the city that the grass in front of my house was too high. I'm pretty sure at this point I actually have post traumatic stress disorder. Anytime the ex does ANYTHING which is practically every other day, my blood turns to ice and I have trouble breathing.

    There are the daily disruptive phone calls to the child which we must allow due to the court order. The child  hates talking on the phone. The mother is oblivious, and has insistently repeated the child's name for 40 minutes before while the kid throws a tantrum on the floor. When he says he doesn't want to talk she tells him he has to. When he refuses to talk she usually begins demanding that DH force him to talk to her. When the child hangs up the phone she calls back over and over again while threatening contempt. Meanwhile when DH calls when kid is with mom the child is coached to say "I don't like talking to you" and the call immediately disconnects.
       There are regular social media explosions where she spreads all matter of fabricated lies about DH and I and the horrible things we are doing to the child when he is forced to visit dad. Sometimes they're loosely based on something that actually happened, (VERY loosely, barely connected loosely) sometimes they're completely made up. She also occasionally goes a little over board, threatening to claw my eyes out or unleash a wrath on DH that he can't even imagine.

       Even if I could somehow ignore all of these things without being worked up the impacts that her ridiculous behavior is having upon the child are too upsetting to ignore. The things I have heard come out of that 5 year old's mouth make it abundantly clear that his contact with mom and probably grandma too needs to be severely limited. First we have all the anti dad nonsense- "I'm not allowed to have a daddy, mommy gets angry. I don't want to go to timeout for having a daddy anymore." "I don't love you dad. Mommy say's I'm not allowed." "I have a bad dad, mommy and grandma said so" ":)addy's not safe, mommy and grandma said so." The occasional requests to go home to his real family.
       Then we have just general distortions that can't be healthy. The other day S5 asked me when he was going to be able to grow a baby in his belly. I explained that some day when he grew up he would need to find a mommy to make a baby. He didn't believe me. On further questioning it was because  his mom told him that she grew him in her tummy all by herself and he didn't have a daddy, so he determined he shouldn't need a mommy when he makes a baby either. Then we also had a conversation about how mom's new boyfriend has been introduced to him as his brother. And now he wants to know why mommy kisses his brother on the lips and sleeps in a bed with him but doesn't do those things with him.
     Then we have the above and beyond nonsense. "Mommy needs me" "I'm bad. Mommy is crying, mommy cries when I visit daddy and I'm a bad boy for visiting daddy and making mommy cry." "Mommy will die if im not there to take care of her." "My mommy's gone,  my mommy is dead!" "I need to go home or mommy will die, bring me home right now!" Sometimes he cries for mommy for hours because she needs him or she's crying or she will die if he stay's at daddy's. The other day there was a lovely phone call that went like this. "Hi S5, what did you do last night?" S5 replied "I was with daddy." and she answered with "Oh, thats nice. I was so sad you weren't here I took a Benadryl and went to sleep."

       This crap is nearly constant, and every single time it happens I get so upset I can't breathe. Clearly there is more court in their future, and I live in terror of how THAT's going to go. It seems it will probably take place on or around the wedding too. I mean, this is all just his word against her's right? The BPDmom and the BPDgrandma are going to have to matching stories no matter how fantabulous. The Grandpa will also back the story up because right how his grandson lives with him and he has a vested interest in keeping it that way. (Plus he'd be the one paying mom's child support since mom doesn't work.) And I've heard that "my 5 year old said" is pretty poor evidence.
     Has anyone here filed for contempt being completely in the right and had it go completely against them? I know that contempt can be grounds for the judge to modify the order, and I live in terror of DH filing contempt, her showing up with some fabulous lies and somehow the BPDex leaves there with sole custody. Can that happen? Clearly this judge is a little bit unpredictable when you look at what happened last time... .

    How do I not live in a constant state of crushing anxiety when I'm embroiled in this drama that I didn't create and I have no control over?
       

[Solidshadow]

    I am getting married to someone who has a 5 year old son with someone who appears to have a severe raging case of BPD. The ex tried every trick in the book to prevent soon to be DH from getting any time whatsoever with S5, made all matter of threats trying to get him to drop the custody case, denied paternity, alleged abuse etc etc. She still lives with her parents, and I assume the grandmother is BPD as well. Unfortunately, (or fortunately, you never know how things might have gone) the case was heard by a judge who refused to review evidence or even listen to the parties involved. He stated they both produced 50% of a child and that's all they were entitled to, and unfortunately because it was long distance he gave the local parent the school district, so the BPD ex ended up with 60% and dad with 40%. This was all written up in a very poorly worded parenting plan with plenty of wiggle room for the BPD ex to wreak havoc on a regular basis, and carried a 5 figure price tag in attorney's fees that are still being paid off.

     Since then there have been a few CPS investigations over made up nonsense, a steady stream of critical/controlling text messages, intermittent calls to the police for some perceived violation of the parenting plan, and the occasional threat of more court either to get more child support or for contempt that didn't actually happen. That and some harassment, things like me being pulled over because half a dozen calls complaining about my erratic driving had been made to 911. Or anonymous complaints being filed with the city that the grass in front of my house was too high. I'm pretty sure at this point I actually have post traumatic stress disorder. Anytime the ex does ANYTHING which is practically every other day, my blood turns to ice and I have trouble breathing.

    There are the daily disruptive phone calls to the child which we must allow due to the court order. The child  hates talking on the phone. The mother is oblivious, and has insistently repeated the child's name for 40 minutes before while the kid throws a tantrum on the floor. When he says he doesn't want to talk she tells him he has to. When he refuses to talk she usually begins demanding that DH force him to talk to her. When the child hangs up the phone she calls back over and over again while threatening contempt. Meanwhile when DH calls when kid is with mom the child is coached to say "I don't like talking to you" and the call immediately disconnects.
       There are regular social media explosions where she spreads all matter of fabricated lies about DH and I and the horrible things we are doing to the child when he is forced to visit dad. Sometimes they're loosely based on something that actually happened, (VERY loosely, barely connected loosely) sometimes they're completely made up. She also occasionally goes a little over board, threatening to claw my eyes out or unleash a wrath on DH that he can't even imagine.

       Even if I could somehow ignore all of these things without being worked up the impacts that her ridiculous behavior is having upon the child are too upsetting to ignore. The things I have heard come out of that 5 year old's mouth make it abundantly clear that his contact with mom and probably grandma too needs to be severely limited. First we have all the anti dad nonsense- "I'm not allowed to have a daddy, mommy gets angry. I don't want to go to timeout for having a daddy anymore." "I don't love you dad. Mommy say's I'm not allowed." "I have a bad dad, mommy and grandma said so" ":)addy's not safe, mommy and grandma said so." The occasional requests to go home to his real family.
       Then we have just general distortions that can't be healthy. The other day S5 asked me when he was going to be able to grow a baby in his belly. I explained that some day when he grew up he would need to find a mommy to make a baby. He didn't believe me. On further questioning it was because  his mom told him that she grew him in her tummy all by herself and he didn't have a daddy, so he determined he shouldn't need a mommy when he makes a baby either. Then we also had a conversation about how mom's new boyfriend has been introduced to him as his brother. And now he wants to know why mommy kisses his brother on the lips and sleeps in a bed with him but doesn't do those things with him.
     Then we have the above and beyond nonsense. "Mommy needs me" "I'm bad. Mommy is crying, mommy cries when I visit daddy and I'm a bad boy for visiting daddy and making mommy cry." "Mommy will die if im not there to take care of her." "My mommy's gone,  my mommy is dead!" "I need to go home or mommy will die, bring me home right now!" Sometimes he cries for mommy for hours because she needs him or she's crying or she will die if he stay's at daddy's. The other day there was a lovely phone call that went like this. "Hi S5, what did you do last night?" S5 replied "I was with daddy." and she answered with "Oh, thats nice. I was so sad you weren't here I took a Benadryl and went to sleep."

       This crap is nearly constant, and every single time it happens I get so upset I can't breathe. Clearly there is more court in their future, and I live in terror of how THAT's going to go. It seems it will probably take place on or around the wedding too. I mean, this is all just his word against her's right? The BPDmom and the BPDgrandma are going to have to matching stories no matter how fantabulous. The Grandpa will also back the story up because right how his grandson lives with him and he has a vested interest in keeping it that way. (Plus he'd be the one paying mom's child support since mom doesn't work.) And I've heard that "my 5 year old said" is pretty poor evidence.
     Has anyone here filed for contempt being completely in the right and had it go completely against them? I know that contempt can be grounds for the judge to modify the order, and I live in terror of DH filing contempt, her showing up with some fabulous lies and somehow the BPDex leaves there with sole custody. Can that happen? Clearly this judge is a little bit unpredictable when you look at what happened last time... .

    How do I not live in a constant state of crushing anxiety when I'm embroiled in this drama that I didn't create and I have no control over?
       

[momtara]

OK, there is a lot here that needs to stop. Take a breath. Eventually it will be ok. Not FULLY ok, but much better than now. This child is, first of all, being emotionally abused by her, and alienated from his father. I'm glad the dad got 40 percent - better than in many cases.

Are there such things as parent coordinators in your state? In some states, they can be there to help set boundaries without the case going back to court. But in others, they are ill trained. Usually you want a smart psychologist or social worker who can meet with both parents every few months to see how things are going.

Another option is to hire a guardian ad litem or forensic psychiatrist who can interview both parties and write a reporter. The problems are, these people are expensive, and you never know how it's going to go.

The third option is to document, document, document and eventually write a very clearly worded court motion with much better boundaries. For instance, phone calls are limited to five minutes. No communication between parents at drop-off, except for written. Whatever you can think of. A lawyer can help. You can post on Avvo asking for advice, too.

Then there is the option of filing a harassment complaint for the 911 calls, police reports, etc.

This does sound like a situation that needs to be litigated, but you need to ask a smart lawyer for the options - the ones that will work long term, protect the child, and not see you back in court right away.

 "I don't want to go to timeout for having a daddy anymore." "I don't love you dad. Mommy say's I'm not allowed." Are heartbreaking statements. One possibility is to get the child a psychologist. Then he will make these statements to the doctor... .although they may not be able to testify. The mom could also scare the child into not saying anything. I'm just thinking out loud about options.

Do you think the child is in physical danger from the mom? If so, you need to be more cautious.

If it helps, my mom was like this to my dad. My mom is mentally ill and was somewhat emotionally abusive. After my dad left, she harassed my dad and his new SO. SHe'd call me many times when I was visiting him for the weekend. She'd also call my dad and his SO's parents. Eventually he filed a harassment complaint. The court wouldn't listen to a tape of the messages she left for him, but my brother said she called 8 times a day. She was fined $500. Maybe not a huge amount, but the calls stopped. Sometimes all that works is setting boundaries. My brother and I were older and not as emotionally vulnerable as your soon to be stepson, but just saying that boundaries can work.

Also, dads on this board have had situations like this and steadily, over time, were able to get their kids more stability and more custody. It takes time, but it's a series of well planned steps and documenting. Luckily the son is young and over time, hopefully this will stabilize more. Good luck!

[Solidshadow]

OK, there is a lot here that needs to stop. Take a breath. Eventually it will be ok. Not FULLY ok, but much better than now. This child is, first of all, being emotionally abused by her, and alienated from his father. I'm glad the dad got 40 percent - better than in many cases.

Are there such things as parent coordinators in your state? In some states, they can be there to help set boundaries without the case going back to court. But in others, they are ill trained. Usually you want a smart psychologist or social worker who can meet with both parents every few months to see how things are going.

Another option is to hire a guardian ad litem or forensic psychiatrist who can interview both parties and write a reporter. The problems are, these people are expensive, and you never know how it's going to go.

The third option is to document, document, document and eventually write a very clearly worded court motion with much better boundaries. For instance, phone calls are limited to five minutes. No communication between parents at drop-off, except for written. Whatever you can think of. A lawyer can help. You can post on Avvo asking for advice, too.

Then there is the option of filing a harassment complaint for the 911 calls, police reports, etc.

This does sound like a situation that needs to be litigated, but you need to ask a smart lawyer for the options - the ones that will work long term, protect the child, and not see you back in court right away.

 "I don't want to go to timeout for having a daddy anymore." "I don't love you dad. Mommy say's I'm not allowed." Are heartbreaking statements. One possibility is to get the child a psychologist. Then he will make these statements to the doctor... .although they may not be able to testify. The mom could also scare the child into not saying anything. I'm just thinking out loud about options.

Do you think the child is in physical danger from the mom? If so, you need to be more cautious.

If it helps, my mom was like this to my dad. My mom is mentally ill and was somewhat emotionally abusive. After my dad left, she harassed my dad and his new SO. SHe'd call me many times when I was visiting him for the weekend. She'd also call my dad and his SO's parents. Eventually he filed a harassment complaint. The court wouldn't listen to a tape of the messages she left for him, but my brother said she called 8 times a day. She was fined $500. Maybe not a huge amount, but the calls stopped. Sometimes all that works is setting boundaries. My brother and I were older and not as emotionally vulnerable as your soon to be stepson, but just saying that boundaries can work.

Also, dads on this board have had situations like this and steadily, over time, were able to get their kids more stability and more custody. It takes time, but it's a series of well planned steps and documenting. Luckily the son is young and over time, hopefully this will stabilize more. Good luck!

I feel that many of these things like parenting coordinators, guardian ad litems etc may be unavailable to assist with this case. During the initial custody motion, the judge immediately scheduled the case for trial and refused to delay the date even when  both parties requested it. There was no time for any of these things to take place. The judge has a history of refusing to listen to expert testimony or witness statements. Our lawyer wanted a social home study done but there was no time for it, we were able to get her drug tested but nearly couldn't due to time constraints, and she passed, which we weren't expecting. The judge has a history of rushing cases to trial.

BPD mom would never agree to a psychologist, and most of the time dad only has the child on weekends, so quietly bringing the kid to a therapist on his time is extremely difficult, I've called everyone covered by insurance and nobody has Saturday hours. As for something court ordered, again, I feel the judge won't go for it.

We could ask for a parenting plan with better boundaries, but I don't know what that's going to accomplish if the child is subjected to a steady stream of anti dad rhetoric, guilt trips, and threats 60% of the time. I'm pretty sure S5 won't want anything to do with dad sooner or later, we are ALREADY having a hard time because of the "I want my mommy" tantrums he throws at exchange and the several hours of wailing every night because his mom tells him she will die if he goes with us. It doesn't help that S5 is already convinced that grandpa is his real dad since that's the story they're telling him.

I have attempted to stop the harassment but unfortunately its been impossible to prove that she's the one doing these things. I don't have any other enemies I am aware of so I KNOW its her, but theres no proof. Everything she's done has been anonymous and nobody will trace it.

I don't think she will hurt the child now. I don't think she will kidnap the child either, but only because she is too emotionally enmeshed with the BPD grandma to move out of the house. If dad eventually does get custody I would not be surprised at anything she might do. This is the woman who goes nuts and shoots the kids and then herself.

[livednlearned]

Anytime the ex does ANYTHING which is practically every other day, my blood turns to ice and I have trouble breathing.

That's not good

I would start there -- finding someone to help you manage the PTSD symptoms. People with BPD are not just difficult, they are the most difficult. Her behavior is not likely to get better, so that means you have to get better at taking care of yourself. It takes a lot of emotional strength to not be injured by a BPD relationship.

And you have good instincts about the wedding stirring the pot. Does SO's ex know the day or date of the wedding? The advice I received was to have a special wedding just for me and SO. Then have a public wedding. Just knowing that we have something that is ours, that no one can mess with, reduces my stress about the known drama coming our way when uBPDx and uBPD D21 go off script.

Also, if you can, don't deal with court at the same time as you get married. Put a big boundary around that.

You deserve to have something that is just yours.

I mean, this is all just his word against her's right?

Document everything you can. Keep a journal, have an incident calendar. Check to see if you live in a one-party consent state where you can record without permission. Ask for S5 to be evaluated by a child psychologist to determine the extent of emotional enmeshment. Find three of the best there are in your area, and let uBPDx pick one by day/date, and if she doesn't then your SO gets to pick. Find a psychologist who agrees to not testify in court so that he or she can create a genuinely therapeutic relationship with S5, and begin helping him develop reality testing strategies. There's all kinds of things you can do to get a leg up on the he-said, she-said thing.

Has anyone here filed for contempt being completely in the right and had it go completely against them? I know that contempt can be grounds for the judge to modify the order, and I live in terror of DH filing contempt, her showing up with some fabulous lies and somehow the BPDex leaves there with sole custody. Can that happen? Clearly this judge is a little bit unpredictable when you look at what happened last time... .

You might have a bad judge.

It's also possible you weren't as prepared then as you will be next time.

Also, I say this as someone who definitely had PTSD from growing up in a home with BPD, a marriage to someone with BPD, and now a new (thank god healthy) relationship with someone who has a uBPDx and uBPD 21.

PTSD and even just regular depression can make you catastrophize like a pro. Are you open to working with a therapist who can help you develop strategies to take care of yourself?

You can learn some pretty powerful relationship and communication skills. It isn't easy to get grounded when there is a BPD storm going on around you, but it can be done. For better or for worse, uBPDx and S5 are going to be getting inside the perimeter for years to come, so skilling up is a good idea  

[ForeverDad]

A 5 year old boy will not want to talk long on the phone, certainly not for 40 minutes unless he has a LOT to say.  I agree there should be a reasonable limit on call length.  Five minutes or less sounds about right for a boy his age.  Question:  How long are dad's calls to the boy?  (I suspect they are always short and often unsuccessful.)  After timing several of his calls, let her rants go to VM once her calls have exceeded that length and son says goodbye, walks away or whatever.  This is a reciprocal boundary and it would be hard for a court to see it as unreasonable.

The poor boy is suffering.  If you two don't already have counselor(s), probably good to get some sessions with a very experienced counselor.  You can get some good observations there as well as approaches you may not have tried yet.  If you have joint custody and problem parent refuses to allow children to have counseling, as often happens, father may have to go back to court to get the court to authorize it.  Courts Love Counseling.  However, you can't let her control the selection process of she will be sure to find a gullible, malleable counselor to wimp in her favor.  Since courts generally like the parents to share in selecting a counselor, be preemptive and make a short list of very reputable experienced counselors (AKA therapists, psychologists, etc).  Present that short list to her and the court so she can make the final select from your fantastic list.

I suspect she is very vociferous (loud, even screaming) when she demands and threatens "or else!"  Is any of this recorded?  One stance to explain/justify recording is to describe them as father's attempt to prove he wasn't misbehaving.  If she happened to be shouting, well... .

Also, some restrictive states do allow recording if there are abuse concerns.  The point is to be cautious, but not overly cautious, and consult your lawyer for his legal input.  What I can add is that rarely (I could count on the fingers of one hand in over a decade here) have members reported a judge peeved at recordings and the worst was ordering them not to record the children during such incidents.

Sometimes we may feel we have to avoid recording the ex because some states have laws about all persons recorded needing to give approval.  I have no idea what they are for your state.  Some state laws.

Of course, you also shouldn't wave a recorder in her face either.  As in, Don't taunt or trigger the bear!

And about weddings... .If you fear she will crash the wedding, then you're entitled to hire security.  I'm sure a couple local police officers would like to earn a little money in their off-hours.  And you can be fairly confident they know how to handle problem people.  You and your future spouse have no obligation to allow her to expose you and your guests to who-knows what.  Just be sure it is on dad's parenting time with S5.  Of course she will try to sabotage it, perhaps declaring a vacation or something similar.  (Vacations trump regular parenting schedules, but Holidays trump everything.)  Most vacation notice requirements require advance notification, at least 30 days but often on certain threshold dates such as Feb 15 for Spring Break, May 15 for summers, etc.  Check your local policies or order and decide whether it would be worth it to bracket your wedding in the middle of a week's vacation or staycation.

I think that judge may not have been as bad as you feared.  After all, dad walked away with 40% time.  If dad goes back to get issues addressed and loopholes fixed, that almost surely will help.  Remember, though, courts don't usually allow much time for a Contempt of Court case.  Have your issues clearly in mind, in priority order and also your proposed solutions.  (If father has reasonable and practical solutions and mother just has complaints and obstructions, which do you think the judge will decide upon?  Yes, judge won't want father to be Winner and mother to be Loser, but overall a lot of the documented issues can be addressed as long as father doesn't let mother derail the hearing with her complaints.  If she wants to spout about her complaints, then let her file her own motion or at least ensure dad has his full time to speak allowed in court.)

I agree, some of her behaviors are abusive to the child.  Whether they are viewed as "actionable" to the court, hard to estimate since the bar for allowed behavior is set pretty low in family court.  Be sure you have documentation of her poor parenting behaviors.  Saying "he always... ." or "she always... ." is too vague and is likely to be dismissed as unsupported hearsay.  But at the least the court would see assigning counseling for the child as a good next step.  Follow my counselor selection suggestions above.

[momtara]

Forever dad and Lived and learned are great at this stuff. The little boy is going to side with mom because she is needy and vulnerable and it's just easier than enraging her. But it's not fair to him to be manipulated by her. Think of any boundary you can. Maybe a smart lawyer knows what to do about your hasty judge.