Mechanisms to help a BPD child cope with -real- abandonment?

[leviathansmiles]

As I mentioned in my intro post, I'm a step-parent to a 12 year old girl that strongly presents with BPD. She lost her mom to cancer when she was not quite five. As such, her aunt has been a really big presence in her life. Her aunt and uncle have always lived a short distance away (30-60min by car), so her time with her aunt hasn't been daily, and as such, highly treasured, because it's always a girl's weekend of pampering and spoiling. It's always been in a good, reasonable, and positive way! Except that it does also further serve to underscore the idealization of her aunt, which she does to an extreme degree, even for her.

Well, her aunt is now moving across the country, likely by mid-July.

This would be devastating to any child with this relationship! But with the BPD indicators factored in, and the ways in which that has been escalating lately, I'm really concerned/worried/terrified about the effect this is going to have on my daughter, who already struggles so deeply with much smaller and impermanent changes.

Does anyone have any thoughts as to how we can best help her cope with this? Ways to break the news? Or just what we might expect? We'll be talking to her therapist before she's told to get her advice as well, but I'm curious to know what your experiences have been.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Feeling Better]

Hello leviathansmiles,

You say that the aunt is moving across country, how does that equate in terms of travel time compared to where she is currently living? How feasible is it that your step daughter could still visit her?

Without doubt it will be upsetting for your daughter when her aunt leaves, and I ask the questions above to ascertain whether or not it will still be possible for your daughter to visit her. Actually mid July is not too far away, are you sure that her aunt hasn’t already discussed this with her? Given the relationship that you describe between your daughter and her aunt, I would imagine that your daughter could feel betrayed by her aunt if she hasn’t already told her.

I think that you are doing the right thing by discussing this with her therapist before breaking the news to her but I can’t help but wonder whether her aunt should be the one to tell her that she is moving away, just my thoughts.

Hope to hear the outcome of your talk with your daughters therapist x

[wendydarling]

Hi leviathansmiles

I understand your concerns. I think Feeling Better's suggestion her Aunt break the news is a good one, it offers the Aunt the chance to provide your daughter reassurance she'll still be in her life and validate her feelings. How do you feel about that?

The Aunt setting in place regular communication eg skype can provide some structure and assurance, commitment the relationship is in tack in between visits. Also her Aunt sending cards, demonstrates she is thought of. It would be good to hear what the Aunt is proposing to keep the relationship alive at a further distance. Will she visit your daughter?  How often, having something in the diary again provides reassurance. How often do they currently meet up?

How does the Aunt feel about this, what are her thoughts?

WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi leviathansmiles

Hope you don’t mind me joining in but with a differing perspective to feeling better and WD - great points made by both.

It sounds like your daughter has spent regular weekends away at her Aunt doing girly things. As you’ve said you’re anxious about the telling and also your daughters emotional reaction - these are a big deal and I really feel for you.

Kids are brilliant at picking up on anxieties - my eldest son had a super anxiety-radar skill and he’d pick up on the tiniest thing. I wished I’d been more confident in my approaches to help him feel that everything was going to be ok. I spent my life worrying how he’d cope with the every day things. We moved away from family and friends when he was 8 so I know a little about a change - to him it was big.

In practical terms, your daughter is going to have a change in routine in her weekends (presumably you too?).

Perhaps this move could be viewed as an opportunity for your daughter to try new activities. Also, for you too. Maybe on her own (or with a friend) but also she may really enjoy seeing you in a new light by you doing new things together (both of you stepping a little out of the comfort zone doing things you’d never dreamt of).  The activity could be yours, one that your daughter can support you in - you can demonstrate how you build your own confidence so she learns from you by experience.

I’m not suggesting a overly organised activity, one that you’ve plucked out because your daughter may feel that you’re seeking an “aunt” replacement (I used to fix!).  But you never know your daughter may be able to solve this problem on her own (I say this lightly, I totally understand that she most probably won’t be able to but with emotional support she may just come up with a solution  “actually I did want to go to drama class with xxx”)

I want to tell you how brilliant I think you are and, regardless of how your daughter reacts initially, you’ll both find a way to overcome this new hurdle and challenge.  Please let us know how you get on. I hope I’ve helped in a small way.

Hugs

LP

[leviathansmiles]

Thanks, all, for your thoughts, ideas, and kind words! Keep 'em coming! :D

In answer to distance, visiting feasibility, we are in the midwest, and her aunt is moving to the east coast, so it would definitely be a case of needing to fly there. We are lucky on two counts, however! The first is that her uncle's new position is such that it's a promotion that will make it so he doesn't have to work holidays anymore (a change from the last ten years!), so they'll be coming back into town for all the big ones. The second is that her maternal grandmother recently moved from a 5 hour drive to a twelve hour drive away, so both kids are already used to flying unaccompanied (her brother is old enough that he can be her escort on most airlines when they fly together, and she's comfortable with the unaccompanied minor system on the times when they don't). So visiting will definitely be possible. And I really appreciate the suggestion to plan in advance to when the first visit will be before telling her. I think that will be really useful!

The other thing that I think is in our favor is that when they hang out, it's not on a regularly scheduled basis. Sometimes we all have dinner and she just goes home with them, sometimes they plan a full weekend out in advance, sometimes she just gets off work early on Friday and swings by to grab her, so it won't actually be a disruption to any routine. I'm just more worried about it triggering the abandonment than actually leaving real gaps in her day-to-day. They already Facetime on her iPad regularly. But maybe working with her aunt to schedule a regular time for that would help too. (Like, every Sunday evening at 7pm is Facetime with Auntie or somesuch.)

I agree with all of the echoing that her aunt be the one to tell her. I hope we'll be able to work it out that way. Right now, she absolutely doesn't know (they only just found out about it on Sunday... it's moving very rapidly). We've expressly asked people not to tell her until we have a plan.  She's still undiagnosed, but I know that those who have a better picture of our situation (her aunt, in particular, as well as her maternal grandmother) will respect that. I'm worried about this weekend, however, since her paternal grandparents know and will be in town, and they occasionally let things slip (they are wonderful, kind, generous people, but have no real sense of what we're dealing with. they think she's just sassy).

My husband and I are having dinner with her aunt and uncle to discuss it (and also congratulate him on his promotion! it isn't all bad news, after all!) and make a plan. And hopefully my husband will be able to talk to her therapist today as well.

[wendydarling]

Hi leviathansmiles

This all seems to coming together for you, you are doing a brilliant job and it's good to hear you have a caring family to support you.

Have you met for dinner yet? Do you have a final plan?

Helping your daughter cope? Are you familiar with the top two tools to your right,   listen with empathy and validate the valid will help her feel understood and her feelings are real and valid.

WDx