Gauging distance from borderline brother

[DingleyBop]

I've been sure for a number of years now that my brother has BPD. He'll act normal for long stretches (days to months, depending) and then he'll fly into these brutal rages, calling family members and cursing us out, telling us we don't care about him, our opinions suck, etc.

These days, I don't think any of us takes his rages all that personally. They do make us worry about his mental health, so what we typically have done is follow up a day or two after the rage to make sure he is doing OK, etc. By that time he has usually calmed down and we end up giving him some counseling. But at some point in the future, of course, the cycle starts all over again.

Lately, though, I've been getting really fed up. Why is it that I feel like I have to respond to his verbal abuse with concerned outreach to ask how he is doing? So after this past rage, which happened a few days ago, I haven't contacted him at all. But then I start to feel guilty and think, "What if he commits suicide or injures himself or others while I'm out of contact? Won't I then be partially to blame?" I'm not ready to go no contact--I love and care about him still--but I could definitely use some help figuring out how to negotiate distance here. (I should add that so far my brother has refused to get help from any kind of mental health provider.)

[hellebore1]

Welcome dingley!  One thing we talk about here is a concept called FOG (fear, obligation and guilt), which is what you describe - fear the BPD will harm him/herself or others, obligation to fix the problem ourselves, and guilt we haven't done enough.  You might want to search for the term.

Unfortunately in dealing with my own BPD sibling my extended family played a big role in trying to prevent me from setting boundaries with him, due to their own FOG.  I wound up going NC (no contact) with him in large part due to this.  In my experience the family dynamic plays a big role and if/when you take a step back, other family members may rush in to tell you you cannot.  Just something to think about or be prepared for.